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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want some help with childcare on holiday?

107 replies

UncleBunclesHouse · 17/02/2021 09:20

We are trying to book a UK break in the summer after several failed holiday attempts last year. We will have a new baby in April plus our almost 2 year old. I would really like to book a cottage slightly bigger than we need and see if either my mum or our nanny can join us, at least for part of the week, to help out. We haven’t been on holiday since 2018, the last year has really taken its toll, difficult pregnancy etc etc. I am a wreck and the thought of going away with a newborn and 2 year old isn’t the most relaxing idea, although it would be nice to just get away at all given the circumstances.

My husband says he wants us to go on our own as a family. I understand what he is saying, but fact of the matter is he isn’t especially proactive on the domestic front so if we are self catering I can see it will just be same shit, different location for me with washing, cleaning up, feeding the baby...I’d like to have a break myself, maybe be able to go out for dinner alone a couple of nights. I don’t care about paying more, getting a bigger place, or potentially sharing the holiday on balance.

AIBU?

OP posts:
caringcarer · 17/02/2021 10:47

Refuse to go with no help. Point out self catering is not a holiday for you if you are no having to cook meals and change nappies all day every day.

mynameiscalypso · 17/02/2021 10:48

I only have an 18 month old and there is no way I'd go self-catering with just him and DH. I'd rather stay at home. Last year, we went to stay with my parents for two weeks in France over the summer (when it was allowed) and having four adults to one child was just about the right ratio for us! I still found it quite stressful at times but that was mainly because my DM was unwell.

MissBPotter · 17/02/2021 10:51

I did this with my MIL. We didn’t invite her to provide childcare but to see her and for her to spend time with her grandkids. She cooked dinner once or twice and put our toddler to bed a couple of times and other than that it was nice to have another pair of eyes. It was a good holiday which we all enjoyed.

If your DH does nothing domestically I think you have more issues than holidays. He needs to pull his weight especially if you’ve had a hard time in pregnancy and when you’ll have a newborn.

XelaM · 17/02/2021 10:53

Leave your kids with your mum and go on a couples holiday with you husband

NerrSnerr · 17/02/2021 10:54

I think it would be massively cheeky to 'invite' your mum on holiday to be the home help (unless you're paying her). Fair enough to pay for a nanny.

Have you actually told your husband he needs to pull his weight?

I can imagine our budgets are massively different if you have a nanny but with small children we have always done Butlins with the dining plan so we didn't need to cook or worry about food. Also easy with small children to have activities on site and not have to venture far (and be close to the accommodation for naps etc).

user1654236589623652 · 17/02/2021 10:54

He needs to pull his weight all year round. Why are you picking up his slack?

Dixiechickonhols · 17/02/2021 10:54

Seriously just send him your second para and then discuss once it’s sunk in. Same shit different location sums it up plus probably worse as kids might not sleep eg no blackout blind in cottage, you’ll be trying to figure out a new oven, hunt for utensils. So harder than home.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 17/02/2021 10:54

@XelaM unlikely OP would want to leave a newborn with her MIL!

MadeOfStarStuff · 17/02/2021 10:55

Surely the obvious answer is for DH to step up and actually parent his children

NoSleepInTheHeat · 17/02/2021 10:57

I would hate for a nanny or my MIL to join us on a rare family holiday so I can see your DH's POV.
However I would very clearly establish that he will have to do his share, and to avoid empty promises I would agree on task division, just list everything so he is aware that you don't just mean he'll need to unload the dishwasher once a week...

  • Breakfast (preparing/setting the table/tidying up)
  • Lunch
  • Dinner
  • Meal planning/shopping
  • Cleaning
  • Laundry
  • Tidying up at the end of the day
  • Preparing luggage
  • Bathtime
  • Bedtime
... + agreement that when one of you is changing a nappy or giving a bottle to the baby, the other adult is responsible for the 2yo
Rupertbeartrousers · 17/02/2021 11:02

It has taken time to get us to the stage where we can enjoy self catering on our own, this entirely involves going somewhere at least as easy as home (washing machine, tv not sleeping on sofa bed etc), ideally some form of entertainment nearby that one parent can do with kids on their own if necessary - play area etc, and easy catering/ready prepared stuff/fish and chips nearby etc.

I have got past the stage of being made to feel responsible for everything, being blamed if we ran out of baby wipes, forgot the toothbrushes or missed the ferry. The pressure of getting everyone and everything they might possibly need, somewhere on time is huge if it all falls to one person.

Going with another family/parents can take some pressure off and entertain the kids, but it does mean more people to consider, my dad is a fussy eater and they like to eat later than the kids for example. It works best if you have similar routines/eating habits etc and aren’t living too much on top of each other... sometimes you only find this out when you’re there.

I guess you either need a commitment from him, take some help or don’t go. Fight your corner OP, you don’t want to pay a fortune just to do the same old thing in a different place.

IEat · 17/02/2021 11:06

2 adults and 2 kids , you’d cope if you put your mind to it. If newborn is too much with toddler don’t go away

rawalpindithelabrador · 17/02/2021 11:07

Nope. All inclusive or nowt.

notalwaysalondoner · 17/02/2021 11:07

I’d probably agree that your mother will change the dynamic but a nanny you already work with should fit right in. My sister is a nanny and goes on holidays with families all the time. Agree that if your DH really doesn’t want her to come he has to agree to do the food shopping, cooking, take DC off your hands for at least an hour a day etc.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 17/02/2021 11:08

Jesus Christ self catering like that doesn’t sound like a holiday for anyone. Provided you can afford it, why not:
—nice hotel where you can rent a small suite or a cottage on estate, where they clean each day
—where you can go to the restaurant for your meals
—and preferably also where you can hire a nanny for a few hours every so often to watch over the kids as they sleep

KitchenFairy · 17/02/2021 11:11

You would benefit far more from sorting the isn’t especially proactive on the domestic front for good, rather than a week or two of doing all of the same drudgery in a different house.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/02/2021 11:13

You really need to have a proper conversation with him about why he thinks he doesn't need to pull his weight with childcare/domestic stuff

BobbinAround · 17/02/2021 11:13

It has taken time to get us to the stage where we can enjoy self catering on our own, this entirely involves going somewhere at least as easy as home (washing machine, tv not sleeping on sofa bed etc), ideally some form of entertainment nearby that one parent can do with kids on their own if necessary - play area etc, and easy catering/ready prepared stuff/fish and chips nearby etc.

I agree with this ^^

We had a miserable week self catering when DC were small. It rained all week and we were stuck in a cottage without half of the stuff that makes life easier at home. Despite getting out in the rain, trying to have meals out etc. it was a long week and DH is one that absolutely does half of the parenting/house stuff (he's less good at the thinking/planning bit though).

Add to this that there are no absolute guarantees that the UK will be back to normal in the summer - there might still be some restrictions on indoor activities/restaurants.

In your position I would only go if you and DH are in the same place around what the plan is. Who will do what? What will the week look like? What is the plan for each day.

Emeraldshamrock · 17/02/2021 11:14

nice hotel where you can rent a small suite or a cottage on estate, where they clean each day
—where you can go to the restaurant for your meals
—and preferably also where you can hire a nanny for a few hours every so often to watch over the kids as they sleep
Perfect plan.

timeisnotaline · 17/02/2021 11:17

We have done lots of self catering holidays, from weekends to a month of travel. But dh pulls his weight so we are doing things together as a family, and get to relax. We don’t pack days out obviously, rarely out of the house before 10 or 11. And we do go out to lunch /dinner a few times.

Greenmarmalade · 17/02/2021 11:19

YANBU- a holiday with a baby and toddler is hard work, especially if it rains and you’re stuck inside. It’s NOTHING like a holiday before kids, or with just one child.

imjackieweaver · 17/02/2021 11:21

Yanbu

We only went on uk holidays for 4 years as
Same shit different country was not going to happen!

He needs to step up

LittleGungHo · 17/02/2021 11:21

How about Moonfleet Manor in Dorset? They have on site childcare and is a hotel.

Sparklfairy · 17/02/2021 11:25

Imo you shouldn't be considering bringing someone else with you to share the load (paying them or not) simply because your husband is lazy. The issue lies with him and he needs to step up.

unmarkedbythat · 17/02/2021 11:26

The thought of a holiday with a newborn and toddler at all sounds dreadful and not something I would ever have been up for. The thought of a holiday with a newborn and a toddler and at least one parent being unhappy with things (you being unhappy with a lack of help or him being unhappy that others are on the holiday) sounds even worse.

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