To want some help with childcare on holiday?

[UncleBunclesHouse]

We are trying to book a UK break in the summer after several failed holiday attempts last year. We will have a new baby in April plus our almost 2 year old. I would really like to book a cottage slightly bigger than we need and see if either my mum or our nanny can join us, at least for part of the week, to help out. We haven’t been on holiday since 2018, the last year has really taken its toll, difficult pregnancy etc etc. I am a wreck and the thought of going away with a newborn and 2 year old isn’t the most relaxing idea, although it would be nice to just get away at all given the circumstances.

My husband says he wants us to go on our own as a family. I understand what he is saying, but fact of the matter is he isn’t especially proactive on the domestic front so if we are self catering I can see it will just be same shit, different location for me with washing, cleaning up, feeding the baby...I’d like to have a break myself, maybe be able to go out for dinner alone a couple of nights. I don’t care about paying more, getting a bigger place, or potentially sharing the holiday on balance.

AIBU?

YANBU

Imo there is nothing relaxing about a family holiday in self catering with tiny children.

There might be some novelty or fun and you might squeeze in a few smily photos but the stress and grief likely to be your overriding experience.

If relaxing and down time is what you need this is not it.

Is DH fondly remembering his own (responsibility free) childhood holidays I wonder.

However if you have a nanny at home then also book a housekeeper for the week and a gardener then get everything done for you and take some family day trips with the kids and fun the only thing to achieve or leave the kids with nanny and you and/or DH go out and relax. Now that sounds nice ... wanders off into own daydream 💭

Be very wary—it’s going to be a hard sell to have him do MORE on his holiday than he usually does! So if you get a “yes I’ll stop up” it’s not worth listening to...

Just don't go? We have a 2 year old and we're not bothering with holidays for a few more years as I can think of nothing less relaxing.

A friend of mine went on holiday with her toddler pre-covid and she said it was absolutely horrendous and she got back feeling even more exhausted, that was enough to put me off!

Another vote for husband needs a kick up the arse, either that or you need to shout up and tell him to help.
I would be interested to know the normal dynamic. Before babies how did household chores get carved up? Do you tell him you need help or is he one of these men who likes to sit and be waited on whilst you suffer in silence?
When my children were small we self catered for affordability and it was great fun. Actually we still self cater as I prefer it. We juggled the children and work between the two of us. It really wasn't / isn't a hardship.

@Merryoldgoat

I may be in the minority but I wouldn’t go on holiday with a small baby of 3/4 months old. It’s zero fun.

This. Totally same shit. Different place. But worse because the children's routines fucked and nothing set up how you are used to. I fucking hated holidays with DC until they were at least past the toddler years.

Seems to be a controversial view but I love travelling with my toddler. She is 2 and has been to the US numerous times (pre-covid) and Europe last year when it was allowed. But I have a husband who is my equal and we always do hotels.

It is not a holiday if you need to cook and clean IMO. The most we did was was her snack containers in the hotel sink.

When they are that young we found we do the stuff we like (museums, shopping etc) at a slower pace and add in some trips to the zoo or play park etc. We have had a ball!

I voted YABU because the answer isn’t bringing a nanny. The answer is to get him to step up and be a husband and parent. That will pay dividends well beyond this holiday. Paying a nanny is paying to hide the problem and paying to let him get away with being useless 🤷🏻‍♀️

Book a hotel half board, less work for you

Ps we took all kinds of trips with ours, often long haul, they are 2 years apart but I don't do self catering!

Well clearly the holiday is a red herring.

@Cocomarine

I voted YABU because the answer isn’t bringing a nanny. The answer is to get him to step up and be a husband and parent. That will pay dividends well beyond this holiday. Paying a nanny is paying to hide the problem and paying to let him get away with being useless 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree

Might it be better saving the money, staying at home and act like you're on holiday, nice food deliveries, as much sleep as possible, days out together, babysitter for a couple of meals out, maybe book a trip to the spa for you, get a cleaner in to do a big clean so you can take a few days of doing as little as possible.

Everything's so uncertain this year, that you could well be paying over the odds for a SC holiday with half the attractions still closed, everything crowded, shit weather, plus an unfamiliar cottage to try and relax in.

He needs to get practicing at being an equal parent over the next few weeks before your baby comes though. Yet another father who thinks that going to work excuses him from doing anything at home.

DH spectacularly managed to book "us" a weekend away in France when PFB was about 3 months old and I was in a fog of sleeplessness (DH was completely hands off - a whole other story). It turned out to be a golf weekend (I don't play) in the middle of nowhere in a freezing cold gite with some friends who also (thankfully) had a small baby - but their baby slept through the night already.

After a day I got in the car with PFB and went home (I should have gone home to mum and ended the marriage but hey ho).

After that we went catered and/or took help and always went away with friends with children of the same age.

You know most families holiday without the hired help coming along?

Your husband is an adult so should be doing as much as you, however, why you would go on holiday to cook and clean I don't know.

Eat out, order food in etc. The place will have been cleaned for your arrival so you're being a bit dramatic.

To clarify, he doesn’t usually do nothing at home, he does all the cooking and cleans up after, does the shopping and getting DC ready in the mornings. He sorts utility bills, builders etc etc. He will do other bits if I ask. But he definitely isn’t proactive and the mental load plus everything else, particularly the small day to day stuff, is generally on me. With a small baby this will obviously be magnified.

I know lots of people manage SC holidays with 2 kids, I just would prefer not to. I don’t care how that makes me sound, if I can afford help and want it I’m not going to be a martyr about it.

My parents don’t get to see us much and have specifically suggested they/my mum come and help, they enjoy looking after their grandchild, if I felt this was putting upon them it wouldn’t be an option I’d look at.

I do really want to get away, our mental health is suffering, we used to go away several times a year and I’m so bored of being at home 24/7. Although I understand it will be a different interpretation of ‘holiday’

I think splitting the week plus clear expectations from DH might be the way to go...

Oh good lord, we have a holiday cottage in cornwall booked for September with a three year old and what will be a three month old... Pray for me

I refuse to do self catering for this reason. My ex are now 7 and 10 and I fell for a self catering holiday a couple of times when they were younger it was shit even harder work as you don't have all your home comforts.

Dh isn't the most proactive and it's a nag at the best of time let alone when he's on 'holiday'.

Just don't bother .

We're hoping to go away later in the year and are planning on taking some friend's children who often baby sit with us so we can have a couple of nights off. If you can afford it, go for it. The thought of getting back from the beach and then turning them over to someone else to deal with the fall out whilst I have a shower and sort myself out is marvellous!

@Diverseopinions this is a good idea I hadn’t thought of that

If he does his fair share I think it's a bit unfair to insist others come too. I have been on holiday with my in-laws when I had small children and it was hard to relax. Maybe he feels the same.

Would booking a hotel or holiday place with childcare be a compromise?

@Inpeace this is a nice idea but DH business is at home so realistically we can’t get a break if we are here. I work FT but will obviously be on maternity leave so less an issue for me x

@Blankscreen I had this thought and considered a nice hotel instead but was a bit concerned with both the baby waking other guests and also it being a bit less COVID- safe mixing at close quarters with others..

@Ginandshinythings sending thoughts and prayers

This is why we go abroad to all inclusive with crèche and holiday clubs. Costs the same in some instances when you add up eating out and food.

I second those who wouldn’t go on holiday with small children without some kind of help (kids clubs, family, nanny, whatever). I’d already decided in 2019 that I wouldn’t be going away with in 2020 (oh the irony) as i just hated 2019, even with lots of help. Problem with a hotel room and toddler is where do they run around. Problem with self catering is all you do is childcare and cooking in a place that is less conveniently set up than home. Whatever you do, make sure it’s actually going to be a holiday or just don’t go