Demanding husband vs me with mental health problems

[emillie]

Hi

To cut a long story short, my husbands mood switches like a light with me.

I am working from home 10 hours a day with recently diagnosed "chronic depression" and anxiety.

He is setting up his own business which thank goodness has been doing well.

Today was a particularly hard and stressful day, I haven't been in the best mood due to severe endometriosis pain anyway.

On Friday (when I was working and trying to keep the pain down using painkillers and heat pads) he asked me to cancel some insurance on Saturday that needed cancelling, I said yes, wrote it in my phone to remind me. Saturday, I got up whilst he was at work and sorted the house, done the laundry, then had to get in bed due to pain for a couple of hours to rest. (I am early 20s for context, have had multiple surgeries for endometriosis and PCOS). He also said can you look through my red folder and tell me if anything I've put down in the policies doesn't make sense and highlight them.

I totally forgot about doing these things due to pain and being busy cleaning/laundry.

Yesterday was a good day, work was fine, pain was easing and we cuddled up last night, he said he'd noticed a happy difference in me since changing anti d's, we watched some of the series we've been watching and went to bed fine no problems.

This morning he wakes me up at half 5, 1.5 hours before I have to get up and showered ready to start my day and tells me the cat has bought a bird in and there's feathers everywhere by the front door, he's got rid of the bird but please can I Hoover on my lunch break.

Got up, pain had returned and heavy bleeding. Work was manic, I then had a message asking me to collect my medication from the pharmacy. I went on my lunch break, by time I got back I had 10 minutes left of my lunch, made myself a cuppa soup and sat down and started work again.

He came in at half 4, asked why I hadn't hoovered, told him I'd do it at 6 when I finished as I had to get my prescription on my lunch.

Just say down tonight and he mentioned the insurance and the folder, I had completely forgot. I said I'm sorry I've forgotten. He then went into a rant about how miserable I've been for the past couple of weeks, how he goes to work unhappy and comes home unhappy cos I'm in pain and uncomfortable and not very chatty (even though we make quality time by eating together and watching tv together). I said I'm sorry but I've been in pain and I forgot to do those things, I've been busy with my own job etc. He then said "well don't say you'll do them then" I explained it wasn't intentional. I asked what he meant by that he was unhappy he said he knows it's not my fault but then kept going on about my pain and my recent diagnosis of severe depression. So I said it is my fault then? He then started swearing, walked off, said to me that he can never talk about how he feels, told me to fuck off and went to bed.

This happens once every couple of months or so.

What is happening? Am I wrong here? Is he wrong? I don't know what to do anymore, I'm trying my hardest to hold down a full time job, keep a house clean and tidy, laundry up to date, whilst in pain, whilst dealing with mental health issues in the midst of a bloody pandemic. I've tried explaining how I feel but he just keeps repeating that he doesn't blame me but then goes on to list all the things I do "wrong" in his eyes? Please some perspective here because I genuinely feel like I'm losing my mind. Last night we were cuddled up on the sofa, tonight he's told me to fuck off and gone to bed? I haven't raised my voice, or been rude. Just merely trying to get him to understand (he states he does understand but clearly doesn't).

I feel like I'm losing my mind here ☹️

I'm sad because it makes me dislike him when he's like this.

We'd had a lovely Valentine's Day and evening and again last night and tonight I've been on the end of verbal abuse and left wondering where my support is through this hard time in my life. I'm currently waiting on my next psychologist appointment to add medication to my new antidepressants and also to have a coil put back in.

It can be so, so so hard living with someone with a mental illness. Your husband obviously feels like his emotional needs aren't being met, and he's addressing it badly. Could you look into some couples counselling?

@Ohalrightthen every single day I ask him how he is, how his days been, I'll run him a bath, I'm affectionate, loving.

My depression just makes me quiet, it doesn't make me snappy or horrible.

I have been stressed today due to work.

He won't attend counselling.

TBH he sounds very unsupportive and selfish and insensitive. Why couldn't he vacuum and cancel the insurance? I don't think counseling will help a selfish ass like him.

Turning on you like that is the worst isn’t it? Leaves you reeling and shocked like you’ve been lulled in to this false sense of security. My “D” H treats me to such behaviour pretty regularly too. Changes his mood like the wind. There are days when I spend literally hours trying to figure out what I’m meant to have done wrong. I’m so sorry you’re going through this too.

That sounds awful OP.

I don't know a solution. Can you describe the pain you experience to your DH- for example 'imagine you are being kicked in the balls all day' and also ask for help with other activities like the laundry? (unless you're just talking about your personal laundry)- so he at least sees that you are busy too!

Mental health issues or not no one should be treating you like this

Hmmm on the flip side my husband will often agree to do things then 'forget' or something else will get in the way. It means it gets left to me without even the honesty of asking me.

I find it draining and disrespectful. We are all battling our own stuff.

It can be really miserable living with someone with mental health issues and yes it feels like your feeling don't matter because the feelings of the person with diagnosed issues always come first. It's like there is a permanent cloud over your home and it can be suffocating.

I've been in your ohs position, it was awful and left me with my own mental health problems. There is only so much support and sympathy you can give someone before you just become numb to it all. I would imagine it is even more difficult in a pandemic when there is little escape.

I don't know what the answer is. Thankfully my oh found the right medication because I was weeks away from leaving him. I loved him dearly(and still do) but it was too much and knew I had to protect myself before he dragged me down with him.

I'm trying my hardest to hold down a full time job, keep a house clean and tidy, laundry up to date, whilst in pain, whilst dealing with mental health issues in the midst of a bloody pandemic.

Sounds like you’re doing too much, OP. What is he doing?

By the time he explained he wanted the insurance cancelled and labelled the thing, he could’ve done it himself. As for the feathery mess, that could wait. He’s a tad impatient. And why are you doing so much?

When you said to him, "So it's my fault then?" I think you could be unintentionally shutting down communication. It comes across as passive aggressive and overly defensive. That said, he is swearing at you. That's never acceptable.
Did you have depression and anxiety before you met him.
You mention the coil. Is that recommended for endo? If it's just for standard contraception purposes, I would be wary of messing with your hormones at this point. Could you use barrier methods instead?
I know that endo needs a surgical solution, but have you tried cutting out all sugar for a couple of months? I know when you are in pain people talking about what you eat are annoying, but so many people report lighter, less painful periods and a reduction in endo pain.
For your relationship, I also think it's annoying when people say yes to things and forget. I'd rather they said no up front. Could you try doing that more? Say no, I'm busy or no I'm resting today.

Is he doing anything to help offset your physical labor to help keep your pain levels in check? It would make sense for you to be doing tasks like calling on the insurance if he was picking up tasks like hovering and lifting laundry that are harder to do when dealing with heavy cramping and bleeding. Or is he just expecting you to muddle through with all the household chores regardless of your pain levels?

It’s HARD to live with/ manage a relationship with someone with a mental illness, really hard

It's difficult to know without understanding the wider pattern between you and whether or not he has to carry everything.and might be justified in being exasperated. I would be annoyed if I was out all day and my partner had not found the time to clean up some feathers.. Should he not be able to rely on you to do the insurance? Having a partner you can't rely on is really frustrating and exhausting but if the insurance thing is a one off, and you play an equal part in life admin, it's no big deal. I think he was entitled to be annoyed that you didn't sort the feathers though ...it would have taken as long as a quick trip to the loo so you could have managed it at some point. Also, I don't think it's normal to just leave feathers all over the place and not bother cleaning them up if home all day.

You left feathers from the morning and still wasn’t done at half 4. He asked if you would help to do one thing and instead done the laundry and cleaning?

I know you have problems but you seem ok to do the jobs you want to do but not the ones that also help him. I would be upset if I was your partner, it drives me mad when my husband forgets the things that helps me but happy to do things that benefit just him. Selfish.

If your in pain go back to your doctors maybe?

I do think your in the wrong but maybe your medical condition allows you some slack? But I don’t know if I personally would settle for that as a constant excuse but then maybe I’m a hard ball?

It sounds like no one is getting their needs met and everyone is finding it really hard. You work 10 hours a day, he works weekends and is starting a business. Is there any way to reduce that, or outsource tasks?

I've had depression and lived with people who have it

It can be insanely frustrating from both sides.

But this

"He then said "well don't say you'll do them then" "

Is a big key, its much much easier if you say you won't be able to do something. As it avoids the last minute discovery and stress that of something one of you thought was done isn't.

You need to be more realistic don't just say yes to everything take a moment think what you'll need to do and if it's realistic.

I have bipolar so understand what depression & anxiety is.

This post is essentially just rambling & pouring out excuses. Endometrioris, PCOS, laundry, work, bedridden, the list goes on

You said you'd do something & you didn't do it. Actually you said you would do TWO things & didn't do them. Vacuum & cancel insurance.

Then when you forget about the promises you make it's excuses & feeling defensive.

Honestly I mean this gently but depression & anxiety does not make you special or worthy of it being an excuse for dropping the ball in life. We all have stuff going on.

When you said "so it's my fault then?" - well yes, it's your fault.

It is really frustrating when people who have depression & anxiety behave like they cannot be held responsible for their actions. It really is so annoying & you need to understand/respect that. Dealing with people who don't take responsibility for their mental illness is draining.

Are you on medication? I find a lot of the time people who complain the most about depression & anxiety refuse to take medication to treat it.

@OuiOuiKitty

It can be really miserable living with someone with mental health issues and yes it feels like your feeling don't matter because the feelings of the person with diagnosed issues always come first. It's like there is a permanent cloud over your home and it can be suffocating.

I've been in your ohs position, it was awful and left me with my own mental health problems. There is only so much support and sympathy you can give someone before you just become numb to it all. I would imagine it is even more difficult in a pandemic when there is little escape.

I don't know what the answer is. Thankfully my oh found the right medication because I was weeks away from leaving him. I loved him dearly(and still do) but it was too much and knew I had to protect myself before he dragged me down with him.

Yes, this. My DH also has mental health issues and it is so draining. I love him to bits, and obviously none of it is his fault, but had it continued I would have had to leave for my own mental health. Thankfully finally received his mental health referral and with a proper team behind him has made significant progress, but it was hard going for us as a family, and I very much lost myself in the middle of it all.

I'm not excusing your ohs behaviour, or blaming you at all, but you mentioned he said he couldn't talk about his feelings and that really resonated with how I felt living with someone with mental health issues.

Could you try couples counselling?

It seems like a stressful time for you both and you’re clearly struggling. I agree with the other posters though, don’t say you’ll do something if you don’t feel up to it. It seems like you both need to be a bit more thoughtful, you need to do what you say you will and he needs to be kinder to you.

He seems moody and unreasonable, probably not the best partner for you

I felt quite tired reading your post op.

Stop doing things for him, just tell him you feel you are unreliable and likely to forget the insurance etc, he should do it himself for now.

Waking you up to tell you about the bird was unnecessary, the feathers would still be there five hours later and a note would be enough.

It sounds like your marriage, and even friendship between is really struggling. Personally I would need some space I think. To get my health in order, to focus on my work and to breathe. You sound drained and worn down.

If my dh told me to fuck off that would be the end, I wonder if you are just putting up with too much.

What kind of job demandsa 10 hour wfh day? Seems crazy!

Make sure you do not get pregnant op. Whatever you do. A child in the middle of this would be catastrophic for both of you (not to mention the child)

Can you take a few days off and stay in a hotel close to family or close friends? Get some space away from him, and have some time to think about your future? I wonder if your mental health is being made much worse by the dysfunctional nature of your marriage? It does not sound like it is working for either of you.

I wish people would read the whole thread.

I didn't have time to do anything other than work and then go and pick up my medication for pain relief on my lunch, I didn't do laundry or cleaning yesterday instead of hoovering or checking the folder. Work was manic.

I left some feathers by the front door not all over the house that I intended to Hoover up at 6 when I finished work (was going to do it on lunch however decided I needed the painkillers more and wouldn't have time to do both as my pharmacy is a 20 minute drive away). I did hoover as soon as I logged off from work.

I am taking meds and have been since I was 17, 6 weeks ago my medication was changed leaving my depression better but anxiety a little worse, my upcoming appointment is to address this and add meds in.

I am not trying for a baby. I have been on the pill which caused a blood clot when I was 18 so can't have them, the implant and injection made me bleed constantly and after many endo surgeries a coil is the last resort.