Demanding husband vs me with mental health problems

[emillie]

Hi

To cut a long story short, my husbands mood switches like a light with me.

I am working from home 10 hours a day with recently diagnosed "chronic depression" and anxiety.

He is setting up his own business which thank goodness has been doing well.

Today was a particularly hard and stressful day, I haven't been in the best mood due to severe endometriosis pain anyway.

On Friday (when I was working and trying to keep the pain down using painkillers and heat pads) he asked me to cancel some insurance on Saturday that needed cancelling, I said yes, wrote it in my phone to remind me. Saturday, I got up whilst he was at work and sorted the house, done the laundry, then had to get in bed due to pain for a couple of hours to rest. (I am early 20s for context, have had multiple surgeries for endometriosis and PCOS). He also said can you look through my red folder and tell me if anything I've put down in the policies doesn't make sense and highlight them.

I totally forgot about doing these things due to pain and being busy cleaning/laundry.

Yesterday was a good day, work was fine, pain was easing and we cuddled up last night, he said he'd noticed a happy difference in me since changing anti d's, we watched some of the series we've been watching and went to bed fine no problems.

This morning he wakes me up at half 5, 1.5 hours before I have to get up and showered ready to start my day and tells me the cat has bought a bird in and there's feathers everywhere by the front door, he's got rid of the bird but please can I Hoover on my lunch break.

Got up, pain had returned and heavy bleeding. Work was manic, I then had a message asking me to collect my medication from the pharmacy. I went on my lunch break, by time I got back I had 10 minutes left of my lunch, made myself a cuppa soup and sat down and started work again.

He came in at half 4, asked why I hadn't hoovered, told him I'd do it at 6 when I finished as I had to get my prescription on my lunch.

Just say down tonight and he mentioned the insurance and the folder, I had completely forgot. I said I'm sorry I've forgotten. He then went into a rant about how miserable I've been for the past couple of weeks, how he goes to work unhappy and comes home unhappy cos I'm in pain and uncomfortable and not very chatty (even though we make quality time by eating together and watching tv together). I said I'm sorry but I've been in pain and I forgot to do those things, I've been busy with my own job etc. He then said "well don't say you'll do them then" I explained it wasn't intentional. I asked what he meant by that he was unhappy he said he knows it's not my fault but then kept going on about my pain and my recent diagnosis of severe depression. So I said it is my fault then? He then started swearing, walked off, said to me that he can never talk about how he feels, told me to fuck off and went to bed.

This happens once every couple of months or so.

What is happening? Am I wrong here? Is he wrong? I don't know what to do anymore, I'm trying my hardest to hold down a full time job, keep a house clean and tidy, laundry up to date, whilst in pain, whilst dealing with mental health issues in the midst of a bloody pandemic. I've tried explaining how I feel but he just keeps repeating that he doesn't blame me but then goes on to list all the things I do "wrong" in his eyes? Please some perspective here because I genuinely feel like I'm losing my mind. Last night we were cuddled up on the sofa, tonight he's told me to fuck off and gone to bed? I haven't raised my voice, or been rude. Just merely trying to get him to understand (he states he does understand but clearly doesn't).

I feel like I'm losing my mind here ☹️

OP, I think, from a practical point of view, it might be worth having a calm chat with him and agreeing that any jobs he gives you should be ones he doesn't mind being delayed or not done that day. You are unwell and so there will always be times when you can't manage a job or two and he should be understanding of that. But if he did the jobs that matter the most to him, himself, and gave you the ones he considers less urgent and will annoy him less if not done, then that might mitigate some arguments.

Having said that, my husband would not expect me to do all the washing and cleaning if my health problems were causing me to really suffer and would never criticise me for not doing a cleaning job. (I'm disabled and he is always telling me to do less around the house rather than more). So I'm inclined to think your husband is feeling a bit resentful and stubborn perhaps? Hopefully a heartfelt conversation would help you to understand what is causing this reaction in him.

I've been very depressed before as well so I know how hard it is. It sounds like you are doing really well to achieve so much under the circumstances.

@Bluetonic41 my appointment for fitting of coil and smear is next week. It was only suggested last month by my gynaecologist so I have booked it in as quick as possible.

I just want to say I wouldn't consider myself hell to live with.

I do nice things for him such as run him baths, make him dinner, before covid we used to have date nights. I don't get argumentative or sit crying with depression and pain, I go the other way and get very quiet and he normally picks up on that and we have a cuddle on the sofa whilst watching tv. I agree it must be hard for him, he knew of my MH and gynae issues when we were dating then engaged and married.

I make a point of asking him every day how he is, how was work, is there anything I can help with and normally on top of things.

I sort out my own car, insurance, MOTs, tax etc for example. I've never been this forgetful, I don't know whether it's the new tablets or just a combination of pain and anxiety/work related stress.

I have requested a week off next month which has been approved and he is having the same week off so we can spend time together, go for some nice walks with the dog etc.

I think last night was just a mix of both of our frustration.

Well if your dh can't be arsed to do any laundry or housework then he should be doing his own admin.

The LAST thing you need is pregnancy and a child- this would be hell in this situation. Condoms won’t cut it- it’s a good idea to get a coil.

I am not dealing at all well with my husband’s depression. It’s weirdly contagious and you lose a lot of the person and relationship you had. I think it’s understandably frustrating and upsetting from both sides and counselling would be the best answer.

That’s good that you’ve got a week off together- hopefully you can both unwind. But I really think you need to address the housework issues. Even if you’re happy doing more housework than him and he offsets it in some other ways it’s not acceptable that he leaves dirty clothes around for you to pick up and wakes you to “give you extra duties” at 5.30am

You do all the housework?

Who does the cooking?

You do all your own admin and he wants you to do his too?

You work full time and also suffer endo, my friend ended up having a hysterectomy at a young age as she felt she couldn't go on. endo is hell.

Your H sounds like a colossal lazy arsehole. each time he asks you to do his things, say no, leave his laundry where it is. It's so incredibly disrespectful for a grown adult to leave their dirty clothes on the floor for their skivvy to do their laundry. My kids don't throw their clothes on the floor my two year old puts her worn clothes in the wash basket, it's not rocket science.

Can see this from your husbands point of view as have been in his shoes. It’s awful.

Why does he not sort put his own insurance? And why does he not do any housework when you’re wfh til 6pm? And why didn’t he move the bloody feathers?!

I don't have any specific answers for you but I have chronic pain conditions and I've just got myself a proper tumble drier, it's made such a difference! Next, I'm saving up for a robotic vacuum cleaner. Could this type of thing ease a bit of pressure?

@Summersun2020

Can see this from your husbands point of view as have been in his shoes. It’s awful.

Its awful that he wakes her at 5 am with instructions to hoover. It's awful that he rants at her when she apologises and tries to explain why something wasn't done at 4.00 pm instead of 6.00 pm due to workload and its awful that when she does try to explain he tells her to fuck off.

@AmySosa

I feel like I’m reading a different thread to some others.

Waking you up at 5am to tell you to do something is ridiculous and mean.

Why isn’t he doing his own insurance/admin?

Why are you working ten hr days and doing housework? If he came in at 4, why didn’t he just get the hoover out? Did he actually wait for you to finish at six and do it yourself?

He sounds mean and spiteful tbh. I don’t think it’s you.

I agree with this... I can’t believe some of the responses on here.

I think I know why your dh is feeling the way he does.

You are not listening op.

Not to those on the thread, not to your dh, not to anyone. You seem extremely defensive. Perhaps try some of the more positive suggestions you have been given?

Yes it is awful. You’re only hearing one side, I’d bet his version is very different.
Agrees nobody should tell their partner to fuck off but everyone loses their cool sometimes.

@snowydaysandholidays I agree 100%.

My friend has chronic fatigue and severe migraines... she manages to prioritise work and the household tasks she can manage but her husband has to do more at home even though he works long hours . He does it because he loves her, they’re a team and he’s not an arsehole, it’s where the in sickness and in health bit of marriage kicks in.

I do wonder sometimes if the work, stress and pain of women is considered less than that of men. My dh is lovely but at times I have felt expected to struggle on with illness which he would take the day off and gone to bed with.

Sorry OP, revising my answer slightly as I misread your post to say you work 1 hour a day rather than 10. (Chronic pain kept me up last night and I'm not firing on all cylinders!)
Given that you work full time and are unwell at the moment, I would definitely expect him to do more than you around the house and cut you a bit of leeway for the jobs that go undone.
Having said that, it does sound like it isn't just about the housework from his side.

I hope you can have a productive chat with each other.

I feel really sorry for you OP that this is your life at such a young age. I am not being patronising honestly, but to think you live like this in your 20s.

I am aghast at the responses. I feel like I am reading a different thread. The internalised misogyny is shining through from a lot of posters.

You work 10 hours a day, but your job is to sort out this mans insurance? Why?

You do the housework and laundry and cook him nice meals and he can't even put his own dirty fucking pants in the wash, yet he has framed this as you being hard to live with?

He wakes you at 5.30 in the morning about feathers? Then questions you later in the day (after you are working for 10 hours) as to why you haven't hoovered them up? Is he your employer?

He swears and tells you to fuck off?

He lists all the things you do wrong?

He sounds like an abusive bully and he has really messed with your head if you think you are to blame. I would honestly set my standards far higher and leave. Your entire life is ahead of you. Please ignore the majority of the posts on here. Imagine living like this for another 40 years. Does that sound fun?

I think you would get better answers in relationships than aibu

You work full time but do all laundry and housework and he also assigns you random jobs?

What does he do.

For a woman with chronic depression it sounds like you are not getting much time to get well.

What self care do you do.

He sounds very very impatient for someone who does so little in the home.

What EXACTLY does HE do in your shared home.

@Summersun2020

Can see this from your husbands point of view as have been in his shoes. It’s awful.

Really, do you do no housework, leave your dirty pants on the floor for your OH to pick up and do laundry, do you allocate tasks to your full time working OH and then swear at them if they forget amongst the housework and fulltime job, and your OH suffers near constant debilitating pain?

One can only hope your OH raises their expectations of their life partner and finds thier self esteem and kicks you to the kerb.

Can't believe some of the responses in here. I know it's hard to live with someone who has anxiety and depression but ffs can't he do the hoovering, why does he have to wake her up early in the morning just to ask her to hoover and can't he sort out the insurance himself?!? He has work but you're also working full time and to top of that with really serious pain and also do housework,he should really help with other stuff!! I suffer really bad from period pains myself and have to take a day off work when I was working so completely sympathise and I hate it when people say suck it up because they don't understand how debilitating the pain is and doctors always don't listen or treat women for this condition. I bet you if it was a man complaining about this pain then people will be more sympathetic.

@frazzledasarock hahaha

I’m sorry you are in so much pain OP. Teamed with depression and covid you must be hitting rock bottom. I wish I could be there for you, other than by writing kind words on a screen. I can hear real pain in between the lines and unless you’ve been in a similar position, you just don’t get it. Having suffered a severe psychotic break four years ago that took me over 3 years to recover from, I can empathise massively with what you’re saying. I lost all sense of who I was, I was literally a shell of a person. I had nothing left to give and my husband had to pick up the pieces and do everything for me, teamed with everything he normally did and everything I brought to table in terms of childcare etc as well. This went on for the longest time. My husband was incredible, he got me through it and somehow managed to stay well himself. But it took its toll on him. He became withdrawn, angry with the world and simply truly exhausted. But even when he didn’t always say the nicest things, he stuck by me at a time when I had no one else.

My point is that you are struggling and with good reason. I do believe your husband when he says he knows and he’s trying to understand as best he can. I also believe you were simply busy and forgot to do a couple of things. It’s no big deal and your husband is aware of that, he’s simply tired right now.
I don’t think he’s a bad person any more than you are. You are both just trying to stay afloat.

Next time he asks you to do something, simply say ‘I will try my best to remember to do this, if there’s time left over. But I appreciate your understanding if they don’t get done. Remember that we are both trying our best right now”.
Also, waking you up at 5am is him being really shitty. It’s a sign of how frustrated he is with everything. It’s not just all your fault, it’s just how he’s coping with it all.

I wish you both the best and hope you feel a lot better soon. ❤️

I think last night was just a mix of both of our frustration

Can you see how you're minimising your feelings here, OP? You've gone from 'losing my mind' and it happening every couple of months, to 'oh, we just got a bit frustrated', without even mentioning it to him.

By the time he's finished work, it will all be dealt with and forgotten about, and he won't even know how upset you were. You will have carried the whole recovery process yourself, without any support from him, and he may be doing the same.

Don't you think you should be sharing your feelings, as a couple? otherwise, how will you be sure this isn't going to happen again in a couple of months, ad infintium?