Demanding husband vs me with mental health problems

[emillie]

Hi

To cut a long story short, my husbands mood switches like a light with me.

I am working from home 10 hours a day with recently diagnosed "chronic depression" and anxiety.

He is setting up his own business which thank goodness has been doing well.

Today was a particularly hard and stressful day, I haven't been in the best mood due to severe endometriosis pain anyway.

On Friday (when I was working and trying to keep the pain down using painkillers and heat pads) he asked me to cancel some insurance on Saturday that needed cancelling, I said yes, wrote it in my phone to remind me. Saturday, I got up whilst he was at work and sorted the house, done the laundry, then had to get in bed due to pain for a couple of hours to rest. (I am early 20s for context, have had multiple surgeries for endometriosis and PCOS). He also said can you look through my red folder and tell me if anything I've put down in the policies doesn't make sense and highlight them.

I totally forgot about doing these things due to pain and being busy cleaning/laundry.

Yesterday was a good day, work was fine, pain was easing and we cuddled up last night, he said he'd noticed a happy difference in me since changing anti d's, we watched some of the series we've been watching and went to bed fine no problems.

This morning he wakes me up at half 5, 1.5 hours before I have to get up and showered ready to start my day and tells me the cat has bought a bird in and there's feathers everywhere by the front door, he's got rid of the bird but please can I Hoover on my lunch break.

Got up, pain had returned and heavy bleeding. Work was manic, I then had a message asking me to collect my medication from the pharmacy. I went on my lunch break, by time I got back I had 10 minutes left of my lunch, made myself a cuppa soup and sat down and started work again.

He came in at half 4, asked why I hadn't hoovered, told him I'd do it at 6 when I finished as I had to get my prescription on my lunch.

Just say down tonight and he mentioned the insurance and the folder, I had completely forgot. I said I'm sorry I've forgotten. He then went into a rant about how miserable I've been for the past couple of weeks, how he goes to work unhappy and comes home unhappy cos I'm in pain and uncomfortable and not very chatty (even though we make quality time by eating together and watching tv together). I said I'm sorry but I've been in pain and I forgot to do those things, I've been busy with my own job etc. He then said "well don't say you'll do them then" I explained it wasn't intentional. I asked what he meant by that he was unhappy he said he knows it's not my fault but then kept going on about my pain and my recent diagnosis of severe depression. So I said it is my fault then? He then started swearing, walked off, said to me that he can never talk about how he feels, told me to fuck off and went to bed.

This happens once every couple of months or so.

What is happening? Am I wrong here? Is he wrong? I don't know what to do anymore, I'm trying my hardest to hold down a full time job, keep a house clean and tidy, laundry up to date, whilst in pain, whilst dealing with mental health issues in the midst of a bloody pandemic. I've tried explaining how I feel but he just keeps repeating that he doesn't blame me but then goes on to list all the things I do "wrong" in his eyes? Please some perspective here because I genuinely feel like I'm losing my mind. Last night we were cuddled up on the sofa, tonight he's told me to fuck off and gone to bed? I haven't raised my voice, or been rude. Just merely trying to get him to understand (he states he does understand but clearly doesn't).

I feel like I'm losing my mind here ☹️

I totally think he should have hoovered seeing as it would have taken the same amount of time it took to physically wake the op and instruct her to do it.

Gender is irrelevant

It was 5.30 am. He got rid of the bird. You think he should have got the hoover out at 5.30 am too?

I don’t but don’t you think it’s odd that he felt it appropriate or necessary to wake OP up early to ask her to do it? If my DH threw out a dead bird and had to leave the feathers, he would assume that I would see them and work out for myself that they needed vacuuming.
He would also know that, if for some reason I didn’t get to the feathers before he got home, then one of us could vacuum them during the evening. It doesn’t matter if some feathers spend the day by the front door. It isn’t something you disturb a sleeping sick person about so that it can be avoided.

In his position I'd have been leaving a note to say 'sorry, the cat brought in a bird and I disposed of it but didn't have time to sort out the feathers.'

This isn't really about the bird though, is it.

You both work full time.

If you do all the domestic chores, what does he do for the ‘household’, beyond his day job?

How much time each week do you spend on domestic chores?

How long does he spend on whatever his equivalent chores are?

You mention the coil is your last resort. Can you give your body a break from contraceptives you had tried a lot.
Pass on that responsibility to your DH to be responsible for condoms when you have been responsible in the past with pills, depo, implant and now you plan go on the coil. Pass the buck. He better not look for excuse for not wearing codoms. There is no excuse. No hoody, no nooky.

@Fatandfifty49

Firstly, if he sees a job that needs doing, he can do it himself. That goes for his insurance, which equally could have been done on his break. As for the bird, he should have finished the job. All of it. Instead, he took the time it would have taken to get the hoover out for 2 minute to tell you to do it.

You may be at home be you are busy and he's taking advantage . Tell him to stop delegating. You are not his PA

Toughen up. He won't change and, although never simple, you are young and have choices and a whole life ahead of you

I was thinking this too. Why didn't he just clean up the feathers himself? He woke you up early to tell you to finish job instead of using that time to do it himself. How do your hours working compare? As in hours paid work + commute (for him) + housework + lids admin + and cooking, Does he do a fair share of household tasks given the hours you both work?

People here are being weird about the feathers. If you were out of the house all day at work you couldn't have cleaned them up either. Just because you're at home doesn't mean you can drop everything to hoover, when you've had no lunch break time as you've been at the pharmacy.

Also the fact that he does no housework, leaves extra work like his clothes on the floor and not the basket, yet still finds time to give you chores to do before he leaves indicates he doesn't respect you and thinks he's your boss/manager. This is not a relationship.

He implies you're not making life easier for yourself, but he's not helping his own life easier either. Giving you jobs knowing you're working till 6, knowing you're in pain, knowing (probably) that stuff can come up at work and take over, by giving you stuff to do on top hes setting you up to fail and setting himself up to feel annoyed. It becomes a vicious circle of resentment on both sides.

he sounds frustrated. if he were to write this post it would probably go along the lines of "I love my partner and i know its not her fault but I'm really struggling too. it seems even the simplest of tasks at times are not doable which means I end up having to do everything. we both work and do long days. I'm exhausted too. I would prefer my partner to say they weren't up to doing the hoovering/looking through the files then say they would. It all came to a head yesterday evening, and after another thing hadnt been done I did snap a bit"

I feel for you, you have a lot of things going on and it isnt the life for someone in their early twenties so you have my sympathies there. but I dont think I can paint your partner as a villain here either, it must be hard for him too. I think you need to have a really honest conversation because if he cant handle the problems you have going on and is going to have outbursts from bottling his frustration up (he shouldnt be telling you to fuck off) then it's only going to get worse in my experience.

oh and just saw your comment about housework, he absolutely should be stepping up and doing an equal amount on that front.

OP the fact he doesnt do any housework etc. was something that should of been written in your opening post, its entirely relevant here and probably would of changed to a degree my first response about him feeling like he has to do everything, which is clearly not the case. agree with another poster who says hes angry about the fact you are unwell but he obviously cant straight up say that fact so his frustration comes out in other ways

Well, on the surface I would say when he tries to talk about his feelings, because they relate to your illness you feel attacked and defensive and so he feels you are not listening. But actually you hint at him not pulling his weight and maybe feel that he really means 'why can't you just facilitate my life better like a good wife'.

Husband doesn’t do laundry or housework? Not ever? Not even at night or weekends? Lazy useless fucker in that case, no matter about all the rest.

You are working ten hours a day, plus an extra 2/3 hours of housework and all the rest, so that is a 13 hour day easily, and you are wondering why you are feeling ill and are having problems?

Meanwhile dh does a paltry 8 hours a day whilst directing you to do more? Insurance and all the rest?

You are never going to get better as things stand op. He is making sure of that.

I know when your head seems full and you are in pain, even the smallest task seems insurmountable. I also know how hard it is to live with someone with chronic health problems especially mental health issues. Compassion fatigue sets in so easily. I think you need to have e an honest talk about how you are making each other feel.

@Sapho47

I've had depression and lived with people who have it

It can be insanely frustrating from both sides.

But this

"He then said "well don't say you'll do them then" "

Is a big key, its much much easier if you say you won't be able to do something. As it avoids the last minute discovery and stress that of something one of you thought was done isn't.

You need to be more realistic don't just say yes to everything take a moment think what you'll need to do and if it's realistic.

Very eloquently written as these are my thoughts too OP.

You are doing too much. You cannot recover from depression without letting something go so you can focus on yourself. Pushing yourself to work ten hour days is ridiculous. You can’t beat depression by staying busy as possible and driving yourself into exhaustion every day. This isn’t even taking into account the chronic pain you have to deal with as well. You need to start saying when you can’t do something. I know it’s hard to say no to your DH, but you need to say no to him AND your employer. Reduce your hours, be honest with your partner what you van do but make getting yourself over depression the #1 priority.

The problem here is not one lot of feathers, it's that he's not pulling his weight domestically. This leaves all this domestic burden to you, when you are already working full time and being treated for depression. I also don't like the way he gets cross at you if something is undone, my husband used to give me a list of tasks and quite often I would forget/not have time within my busy day of caring for two kids and working full time, and he could do them himself.

What's the point in over-burdening you all the time, you sound exhausted!

I think having a partner who drops clothes on the floor, does no laundry, no housework, wakes you at 5 to tell you to clear up feathers and then gets angry when you work all day and don't have time to do it, is a partner who is draining your energy. I wonder if you are getting a lot out of this relationship? How are you going to reset the inequity of you doing 2/3 hours cooking, cleaning and housekeeping on top of your job whilst he doesn't do any of that?

Would you be better off on your own? Only you know the answer to this.

Maybe he needs to stop focusing on your problems and start addressing his own. The way he reacts is not okay.

If I asked my dp to do something and he forgot I would simply do it myself, not hold them to it and blow up over it. Of all the issues you have going on hoovering and cancelling an insurance is the least of your worries and he should recognise that.

The problem here isnt your mental state op, it's your partners insensitivity to your situation. If he is struggling for whatever reason then that is down to him to communicate it better, in no way does it excuse his mood swings when they outlet on you negatively.

I kind of agree with @gutful and @Aprilx.

I get you - its annoying being dictated to by anyone about what you do and the order you do it in. The insurance - you weren't well which made you forget fair enough it happens. But in some ways what was the insurance for - the house, the car, his hobby it makes a difference and yes I agree frankly why was he asking you to do it if it were a five minute job...

The feathers - sorry he did half a job its 5 minutes to waive a hoover round for a specific job he should have done it HOWEVER you still had 10 minutes etc. Was the prescription really for right now or could he picked it up on way home.... pass jobs to him and see how he likes it

Thank you everyone.

I am not denying that I have responsibilities too. I work full time so we can afford to live.

There was no blood etc my house is not a pit, was just a small pile of feathers stuck to the mat on the inside of the door. Hard to sweep as they were stuck in the material (hard to explain).

The insurance was for his work van.

We do communicate but I don't think he realises the emotional and physical impact that both endo/PCOS and mental health has on me.

He's not a villain in any way, other than the odd spat like this, we rarely have any problems.

I did prioritise the pain medication over him picking them up on his way home yes because I was in pain and out of painkillers.

I have had a 2 year break off contraceptives and been using condoms, so no overloading of hormones, I just need something to help control bleeding and pain.

This is a problem for both of you right now. You’re depressed and sick, it’s a lot for you to take on while working full time. Can you afford a cleaner to take the weight off you both for a bit? It sounds like you’re doing too much, he’s right you should start saying no. Have a chat with him and explain that you say yes when you’re feeling okay, and that sometimes the goalposts have to move due to your health and it’s nothing to do with you. Tell him you love him and you’re trying your best but right now with COVID, being sick and being depressed it’s a lot to take on.

I can see his side a little bit tbh, but he needs to know that he can’t tell you to fuck off ever again. He sounds like he’s over reacted after you got defensive and he blew up. That’s his problem to deal with and he needs to know it’s his problem. Equally you need to learn to listen to what he’s saying and not say things like ‘so it’s my fault then’ he didn’t actually say that, it shuts down the conversation and isn’t productive to a solution.

@RB68 yes I had 10 minutes left or my lunch break and having to take codeine for pain I made myself a cuppa soup and a slice of bread to line my stomach instead of hoovering feathers that would be done at 6 when I finished.

We do communicate but I don't think he realises the emotional and physical impact that both endo/PCOS and mental health has on me

Then tell him. If he still doesn't understand, then you're not compatible, because he can't support your condition.

There's no puzzle here. Make sure you've explained in the best way you can to try to get him to understand. If he persists in breaking your boundaries, leave, or emotionally disengage until you can leave.

Neither of you is currently meeting the other's needs. As a couple you need to resolve this. Which means he has to be willing to try to understand you, and vice versa.

“You don’t get bought flowers for chronic illness”. Just putting that out there. Maybe you could ask him how he would feel having to get on with his normal day after being stabbed and bleeding from the abdomen all
Day ??

There are things you can do to stop endo being so life ruling. You said you are waiting for a mirena? If your husbands business is doing well then pay the £100 odd and get it done next week at bupa. If not then you could try decapeptel, its not a hopeless cycle. Chronic pain will be contributing massively to your depression. I'm not excusing his was of dealing with things but it must be very hard to live with, mental illness and chronic pain can be so hard for the partners as well.