Demanding husband vs me with mental health problems

[emillie]

Hi

To cut a long story short, my husbands mood switches like a light with me.

I am working from home 10 hours a day with recently diagnosed "chronic depression" and anxiety.

He is setting up his own business which thank goodness has been doing well.

Today was a particularly hard and stressful day, I haven't been in the best mood due to severe endometriosis pain anyway.

On Friday (when I was working and trying to keep the pain down using painkillers and heat pads) he asked me to cancel some insurance on Saturday that needed cancelling, I said yes, wrote it in my phone to remind me. Saturday, I got up whilst he was at work and sorted the house, done the laundry, then had to get in bed due to pain for a couple of hours to rest. (I am early 20s for context, have had multiple surgeries for endometriosis and PCOS). He also said can you look through my red folder and tell me if anything I've put down in the policies doesn't make sense and highlight them.

I totally forgot about doing these things due to pain and being busy cleaning/laundry.

Yesterday was a good day, work was fine, pain was easing and we cuddled up last night, he said he'd noticed a happy difference in me since changing anti d's, we watched some of the series we've been watching and went to bed fine no problems.

This morning he wakes me up at half 5, 1.5 hours before I have to get up and showered ready to start my day and tells me the cat has bought a bird in and there's feathers everywhere by the front door, he's got rid of the bird but please can I Hoover on my lunch break.

Got up, pain had returned and heavy bleeding. Work was manic, I then had a message asking me to collect my medication from the pharmacy. I went on my lunch break, by time I got back I had 10 minutes left of my lunch, made myself a cuppa soup and sat down and started work again.

He came in at half 4, asked why I hadn't hoovered, told him I'd do it at 6 when I finished as I had to get my prescription on my lunch.

Just say down tonight and he mentioned the insurance and the folder, I had completely forgot. I said I'm sorry I've forgotten. He then went into a rant about how miserable I've been for the past couple of weeks, how he goes to work unhappy and comes home unhappy cos I'm in pain and uncomfortable and not very chatty (even though we make quality time by eating together and watching tv together). I said I'm sorry but I've been in pain and I forgot to do those things, I've been busy with my own job etc. He then said "well don't say you'll do them then" I explained it wasn't intentional. I asked what he meant by that he was unhappy he said he knows it's not my fault but then kept going on about my pain and my recent diagnosis of severe depression. So I said it is my fault then? He then started swearing, walked off, said to me that he can never talk about how he feels, told me to fuck off and went to bed.

This happens once every couple of months or so.

What is happening? Am I wrong here? Is he wrong? I don't know what to do anymore, I'm trying my hardest to hold down a full time job, keep a house clean and tidy, laundry up to date, whilst in pain, whilst dealing with mental health issues in the midst of a bloody pandemic. I've tried explaining how I feel but he just keeps repeating that he doesn't blame me but then goes on to list all the things I do "wrong" in his eyes? Please some perspective here because I genuinely feel like I'm losing my mind. Last night we were cuddled up on the sofa, tonight he's told me to fuck off and gone to bed? I haven't raised my voice, or been rude. Just merely trying to get him to understand (he states he does understand but clearly doesn't).

I feel like I'm losing my mind here ☹️

Husband is aware of the pain and heavy bleeding I have.

No he doesn't do laundry or housework, he can't even put his dirty laundry in the washing basket its left on the floor.

I was genuinely going to sort insurance and the folder I just forgot due to pain, mix of meds, work and house work. I apologised for this.

@Ladytremain I'm sorry you're dealing with it too I'm trying my hardest to be the best wife I can be and we love each other but I have a lack of support. My specialist who diagnosed the chronic/severe depression explained that memory loss could be down to trauma I have experience, husband knows this.

You sound deeply unhappy op.

This is the biggest issue as far as I can see. You sound utterly miserable.

The feathers, insurance and hoovering is irrelevant. What is bringing you joy and happiness right now? What can change to make your life better?

@snowydaysandholidays like everybody I think corona virus has had a huge impact on me. I have to work from home, I don't see friends.

Husband is a key worker out and about all day with his friends (building line of work).

He works very hard but I do too except I see the same 4 walls all day every day for the past year nearly.

I feel like I’m reading a different thread to some others.

Waking you up at 5am to tell you to do something is ridiculous and mean.

Why isn’t he doing his own insurance/admin?

Why are you working ten hr days and doing housework? If he came in at 4, why didn’t he just get the hoover out? Did he actually wait for you to finish at six and do it yourself?

He sounds mean and spiteful tbh. I don’t think it’s you.

Did your depression start before or after you had a husband who loses the plot with you every other month?

@AmySosa

I feel like I’m reading a different thread to some others.

Waking you up at 5am to tell you to do something is ridiculous and mean.

Why isn’t he doing his own insurance/admin?

Why are you working ten hr days and doing housework? If he came in at 4, why didn’t he just get the hoover out? Did he actually wait for you to finish at six and do it yourself?

He sounds mean and spiteful tbh. I don’t think it’s you.

Agree.

But there is always an enthusiasm on here to jump on any op living with mental illness to tell them how hard they make everyone else's life, regardless of what's actually been described.

I agree with amy as I said upthread I don't know why he felt the need to wake you up about the feathers. Nor berate you over a forgotten insurance form. I am sorry op but it sounds abusive to me.

I think your long list of health complaints have distracted posters from the real problem, that you are deeply unhappy, unsupported and isolated with significant MH problems that your dh is only contributing to by being so unkind.

Consider moving out for a few days to get some space, do you have family or friends you could see op? I think you MH problems means you can get support if you need to.

I think that this is one of those times I can’t comment without hearing the other side of the story. I actually think it is pretty gross that you left feathers unhoovered all day after he had dealt with the rest of the bird. It takes quite a lot of effort to get my husband to do things around the house and I can sort of see how this might be to your husband.

I imagine life is frustrating for both you and your husband.

What meds are you on for your endemetriosis? I found neproxen really helped with the pain. I went on zoladex to stop my periods for a few months, though this is defo not for everyone. I am now on citalopram after hysterectomy.

My dh has cyclothemia and is on quetetiapine for it..he has to monitor his moods carefully and take medication when he needs it.

We are both responsible for our mental health, we take our medication and check in with each other. Neither one of us takes precedence over the other. No excuses for bad mental health if something doesnt get done when promised.

I dont mean to sound harsh, you are obviously struggling, its just that your dh probably is too.

@gutful

I have bipolar so understand what depression & anxiety is.

This post is essentially just rambling & pouring out excuses. Endometrioris, PCOS, laundry, work, bedridden, the list goes on

You said you'd do something & you didn't do it. Actually you said you would do TWO things & didn't do them. Vacuum & cancel insurance.

Then when you forget about the promises you make it's excuses & feeling defensive.

Honestly I mean this gently but depression & anxiety does not make you special or worthy of it being an excuse for dropping the ball in life. We all have stuff going on.

When you said "so it's my fault then?" - well yes, it's your fault.

It is really frustrating when people who have depression & anxiety behave like they cannot be held responsible for their actions. It really is so annoying & you need to understand/respect that. Dealing with people who don't take responsibility for their mental illness is draining.

Are you on medication? I find a lot of the time people who complain the most about depression & anxiety refuse to take medication to treat it.

Agree a thousand times. It creates a victim narrative which sucks the energy from everyone around them.

No he doesn't do laundry or housework, he can't even put his dirty laundry in the washing basket its left on the floor.

So he's a cunt. You're working full time and doing all the housework, even when you're sick.

Instead of supporting you, he's giving you MORE jobs and berating you.

I think he might be the reason you have MH problems.

I wonder how much your mental health would improve if you weren’t with him.

Once a downward spiral begins with two people both struggling with their MH it can be very hard to stop. It needs proper intervention and professional support.

You are making each other worse. Time to put the brakes on.

Discuss this during your appointment at length, and ask for their professional advice.

Am I wrong here? Is he wrong?

Drop this style of thinking. If you want perspective, stop questioning your feelings, and allow them to guide you. Perspective isn't about getting clarity on who is 'breaking the emotional rules'. There are no emotional rules. There is no external locus of evaluation when it comes to your boundaries. It's all internal to you, so you have to take responsibility for how you feel, rather than ask others whether what you feel is right.

If you get told you're wrong to feel how you feel, how is that helpful, anyway? Makes you realise you have to change how you feel? How will you do that? It's a very unhealthy thing to do, to try to surpress your emotions. And nobody can change how they feel anyway, otherwise negative emotions wouldn't exist.

So, perspective comes from how shit you feel. How much is his behaviour hurting you? Regardless of what he tells you, how much do you feel he blames you? How much do you feel at fault?

It looks to me like you feel you're doing everything you can, and it still isn't helping. In which case, you're looking at a compatibility issue. Again, forget who's 'fault' it is. If the relationship doesn't work, it doesn't work.

Have a think about whether it's working for you. Do you feel happy with the relationship enough of the time? Are the 'downs' bad enough that you feel like you're constantly just waiting for it to happen again? It doesn't matter who is wrong. But there's a difference between fault and responsibility, and you are responsible for your own happiness, going forward. If you feel that your boundaries are being crossed, you are the one who needs to say 'I'm unhappy. This situation has to change, because I can't keep living like this.' It is the work of a couple to make the necessary compromises together to fix that - not one partner. If the couple can't reach a compromise that's satisfactory to both, then they simple are not a couple, in anything but name.

It’s a bloody hard situation.

I have sympathy with both of you. I have been living with a depressed DH for years and will still have moments when I get so frustrated and resentful of the situation that I will lose it and shout and swear when it all gets overwhelming carrying the whole load.

I try so hard to blame the situation NOT the person but my mood inevitably affects him and he takes it personally. I hate this but need to accept that sometimes it’s all too much because it’s hard.

As PP have suggested you need to cut yourself some slack. You should not be working 10 hour days if you are unwell and it leaves you no room for work/life balance. You are prioritising work over everything else and this isn’t sustainable. You need to take care of yourself first.

Firstly, if he sees a job that needs doing, he can do it himself. That goes for his insurance, which equally could have been done on his break. As for the bird, he should have finished the job. All of it. Instead, he took the time it would have taken to get the hoover out for 2 minute to tell you to do it.

You may be at home be you are busy and he's taking advantage . Tell him to stop delegating. You are not his PA

Toughen up. He won't change and, although never simple, you are young and have choices and a whole life ahead of you

I think it's hard to judge without knowing the full extent of splits in jobs you both do. If he does all the mental load and admin and just asks for help for one thing, to cancel insurance, and it's time critical (ie if you dont cancel by a certain date it charges you for the year) then I can see how it is frustrating that you didnt do it.

It depends how much of both your time outside work is spent doing household jobs and how much free time you both have. If he has to pick up a lot more of the load of household stuff than you because of your pain then again I can see why he may become frustrated.

If he asked you to hoover despite not doing any housework because he sees it as your job because you're a woman, then that's different. And why the fuck couldn't he have left a note, I would be really mad if someone woke me up 1.5 hours earlier than needed to give me a job, especially if its one they could easily do themself but refuse to do because its womans work for example. Also being tired makes pain worse. If it was just a few feathers and not covered in blood etc then I don't see why leaving it til 6 instead of doing it at lunch is that big a deal. It's not like it was left for days. Why does he get to decide an arbitrary deadline and then kick off when it's not done by then, he isnt your boss and you both live there. On the other hand if he is doing most of the tasks around the house, it is annoying if you ask someone to do one thing to help ans then they don't.

Telling you to fuck off is also unacceptable in my book.

It could be that he is finding your illness frustrating eg if he feels like he is picking up loads of the slack and you're not acknowledging or helping, and you are not communicating well. Or it could be that he is a controlling bossy arse who acts way over the top when his unreasonable demands are not met (eg if the insurance was for something just for him, and the few feathers could have been tidied at any point that day). Or it could be a bit of both

I think that a surprising amount of posters have been quick to jump on the DH. He's abusive, stop doing anything for him, he's a cunt, he's the cause of the OP's mental health issues.... because he asked the OP to do two small things and was annoyed when she didn't do them?

There are lots of people who suffer with their mental health, particularly during this pandemic. However, you can't use having mental health difficulties as a shield or handy excuse at any opportunity and this is how your OP reads. You're able to work full time, and do the tasks that you want to do. You should own forgetting to sort out the insurance/quickly hoover round instead of coming out with a spiel of reasons why you didn't. I can see why your DP would find that sort of response really tiring and frustrating after a while. There is no way that you were genuinely too busy to clear up the mess left by the cat all day. I WFH too and I'm also very busy but absolutely wouldn't have left this all day.

Is there anything stopping you taking a few days annual leave and really spending some time looking after yourself, time to look carefully at what is going wrong, where it can be improved and how you can make your life happier (with or without dh)
You can see your family and friends for a walk or two. You can even bubble up with them to get some extra support, it is perfectly legal to do that.

You need space op. You are just peddling and peddling with your head in the sand, hoping someone will fix this. They won't. You need to make some urgent and pressing changes op, if this is ever to be improved.

I dont see how the 2 of you can go on like this. I suspect you might both feel better if you made some changes, like divorcing for 1.

@Eckhart

Am I wrong here? Is he wrong?

Drop this style of thinking. If you want perspective, stop questioning your feelings, and allow them to guide you. Perspective isn't about getting clarity on who is 'breaking the emotional rules'. There are no emotional rules. There is no external locus of evaluation when it comes to your boundaries. It's all internal to you, so you have to take responsibility for how you feel, rather than ask others whether what you feel is right.

If you get told you're wrong to feel how you feel, how is that helpful, anyway? Makes you realise you have to change how you feel? How will you do that? It's a very unhealthy thing to do, to try to surpress your emotions. And nobody can change how they feel anyway, otherwise negative emotions wouldn't exist.

So, perspective comes from how shit you feel. How much is his behaviour hurting you? Regardless of what he tells you, how much do you feel he blames you? How much do you feel at fault?

It looks to me like you feel you're doing everything you can, and it still isn't helping. In which case, you're looking at a compatibility issue. Again, forget who's 'fault' it is. If the relationship doesn't work, it doesn't work.

Have a think about whether it's working for you. Do you feel happy with the relationship enough of the time? Are the 'downs' bad enough that you feel like you're constantly just waiting for it to happen again? It doesn't matter who is wrong. But there's a difference between fault and responsibility, and you are responsible for your own happiness, going forward. If you feel that your boundaries are being crossed, you are the one who needs to say 'I'm unhappy. This situation has to change, because I can't keep living like this.' It is the work of a couple to make the necessary compromises together to fix that - not one partner. If the couple can't reach a compromise that's satisfactory to both, then they simple are not a couple, in anything but name.

This .

As for the bird, he should have finished the job. All of it. Instead, he took the time it would have taken to get the hoover out for 2 minute to tell you to do it.

Well hang on, he was clearly on his way out to work. It was 5.30am. He got rid of the bird. You think he should have got the hoover out at 5.30am too? Surely it makes more sense for the person who is working from home and not on their way out the door first thing to sort the rest. You wouldn't be saying this if the sexes were reversed.

At a skim read, he is angry with you for being ill but realises he can't say that. So he asks you to do the same number of things that someone well could manage, you say yes because you want to be able to do it all (understandably), you then don't manage it and he gets angry at you because this makes it impossible for him to ignore the fact you're ill. This anger comes out as annoyance at the uncompleted task though.

My DH is similar, but has got slightly better; he really struggles with me needing support, he gets weirdly cross about it while refusing to admit that's what's upset him. I generally spell out clearly for him that that's why he's angry and then do what I need to do. Over time he has become more self-aware/less of a twat about me not being superwoman, but it can be very hard going.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, that sounds awful