Demanding husband vs me with mental health problems

[emillie]

Hi

To cut a long story short, my husbands mood switches like a light with me.

I am working from home 10 hours a day with recently diagnosed "chronic depression" and anxiety.

He is setting up his own business which thank goodness has been doing well.

Today was a particularly hard and stressful day, I haven't been in the best mood due to severe endometriosis pain anyway.

On Friday (when I was working and trying to keep the pain down using painkillers and heat pads) he asked me to cancel some insurance on Saturday that needed cancelling, I said yes, wrote it in my phone to remind me. Saturday, I got up whilst he was at work and sorted the house, done the laundry, then had to get in bed due to pain for a couple of hours to rest. (I am early 20s for context, have had multiple surgeries for endometriosis and PCOS). He also said can you look through my red folder and tell me if anything I've put down in the policies doesn't make sense and highlight them.

I totally forgot about doing these things due to pain and being busy cleaning/laundry.

Yesterday was a good day, work was fine, pain was easing and we cuddled up last night, he said he'd noticed a happy difference in me since changing anti d's, we watched some of the series we've been watching and went to bed fine no problems.

This morning he wakes me up at half 5, 1.5 hours before I have to get up and showered ready to start my day and tells me the cat has bought a bird in and there's feathers everywhere by the front door, he's got rid of the bird but please can I Hoover on my lunch break.

Got up, pain had returned and heavy bleeding. Work was manic, I then had a message asking me to collect my medication from the pharmacy. I went on my lunch break, by time I got back I had 10 minutes left of my lunch, made myself a cuppa soup and sat down and started work again.

He came in at half 4, asked why I hadn't hoovered, told him I'd do it at 6 when I finished as I had to get my prescription on my lunch.

Just say down tonight and he mentioned the insurance and the folder, I had completely forgot. I said I'm sorry I've forgotten. He then went into a rant about how miserable I've been for the past couple of weeks, how he goes to work unhappy and comes home unhappy cos I'm in pain and uncomfortable and not very chatty (even though we make quality time by eating together and watching tv together). I said I'm sorry but I've been in pain and I forgot to do those things, I've been busy with my own job etc. He then said "well don't say you'll do them then" I explained it wasn't intentional. I asked what he meant by that he was unhappy he said he knows it's not my fault but then kept going on about my pain and my recent diagnosis of severe depression. So I said it is my fault then? He then started swearing, walked off, said to me that he can never talk about how he feels, told me to fuck off and went to bed.

This happens once every couple of months or so.

What is happening? Am I wrong here? Is he wrong? I don't know what to do anymore, I'm trying my hardest to hold down a full time job, keep a house clean and tidy, laundry up to date, whilst in pain, whilst dealing with mental health issues in the midst of a bloody pandemic. I've tried explaining how I feel but he just keeps repeating that he doesn't blame me but then goes on to list all the things I do "wrong" in his eyes? Please some perspective here because I genuinely feel like I'm losing my mind. Last night we were cuddled up on the sofa, tonight he's told me to fuck off and gone to bed? I haven't raised my voice, or been rude. Just merely trying to get him to understand (he states he does understand but clearly doesn't).

I feel like I'm losing my mind here ☹️

Having read your updates I agree with a PP

"I feel really sorry for you OP that this is your life at such a young age. I am not being patronising honestly, but to think you live like this in your 20s.

I am aghast at the responses. I feel like I am reading a different thread. The internalised misogyny is shining through from a lot of posters.

You work 10 hours a day, but your job is to sort out this mans insurance? Why?

You do the housework and laundry and cook him nice meals and he can't even put his own dirty fucking pants in the wash, yet he has framed this as you being hard to live with?

He wakes you at 5.30 in the morning about feathers? Then questions you later in the day (after you are working for 10 hours) as to why you haven't hoovered them up? Is he your employer?

He swears and tells you to fuck off?"

Why on earth is he getting you to sort out his insurance when you both work full time? Why is he not doing his share of the housework instead of getting his chronically ill gf to pick up his dirty washing from the floor? Why is he making you lose 90 minutes of sleep, to give you an urgent job? Why do you seem to think this is ok?

Swearing at you is bang out of order and I would not take that type of treatment. People are allowed to be angry and annoyed but they can communicate their feelings with respect.
I would advise you to assert yourself more with him. If he asks you to do something then be totally honest. If you're busy with work then say that you're busy and can't make it happen. Or do it and compromise so for example, yes I'll do your insurance cancellation but I'll have to do it on my lunch break so if I do that, you could clean the kitchen and make dinner later.

@snowydaysandholidays

I agree with amy as I said upthread I don't know why he felt the need to wake you up about the feathers. Nor berate you over a forgotten insurance form. I am sorry op but it sounds abusive to me.

I think your long list of health complaints have distracted posters from the real problem, that you are deeply unhappy, unsupported and isolated with significant MH problems that your dh is only contributing to by being so unkind.

Consider moving out for a few days to get some space, do you have family or friends you could see op? I think you MH problems means you can get support if you need to.

Presumably he dealt with the cat and bird situation in he middle of the night without waking her (and he also works long hours don't forget!) but didn't hoover in the middle of the night (quite rightly, so as not to make a lot of noise disturbing her and neighbours much more)...ok, he didn't need to wake her to tell her, but probably wasn't thinking and sleep deprived and also thinking to mention it before he forgets.

Tbh, asking her to hoover up the leftover feathers after he's just dealt with the situation is pretty reasonable and fair and i feel for him here. If the roles were reversed we would be hearing about how she'd done all that, then gone out to work all day, come back to find the feathers still everywhere and then had a passive aggressive retort of 'oh, so it;s my fault then?'

Yes, people forget things especially when theya re stressed, tired, in pain. But most people own up to it, apologise for that, acknowledge the efforts their partner has made, and then try to make amends. Rather than getting defensive and trying to blame other problems whcihc sounds like OPs approach.

Don't get me wrong, I sympathise with OP with all she's going through...but I also really sympathise with DH here. Sounds liek he's trying his best and then rightly gettign annoyed and maybe not dealing with it in the best way. But OP also isn't dealing with it in the best way.

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken

Having read your updates I agree with a PP

"I feel really sorry for you OP that this is your life at such a young age. I am not being patronising honestly, but to think you live like this in your 20s.

I am aghast at the responses. I feel like I am reading a different thread. The internalised misogyny is shining through from a lot of posters.

You work 10 hours a day, but your job is to sort out this mans insurance? Why?

You do the housework and laundry and cook him nice meals and he can't even put his own dirty fucking pants in the wash, yet he has framed this as you being hard to live with?

He wakes you at 5.30 in the morning about feathers? Then questions you later in the day (after you are working for 10 hours) as to why you haven't hoovered them up? Is he your employer?

He swears and tells you to fuck off?"

Why on earth is he getting you to sort out his insurance when you both work full time? Why is he not doing his share of the housework instead of getting his chronically ill gf to pick up his dirty washing from the floor? Why is he making you lose 90 minutes of sleep, to give you an urgent job? Why do you seem to think this is ok?

Exactly.

It never fails to shock me the misogyny on MN.

He's a right piece of work.

If the OP wasn't married to such a nasty bullying, lazy prick, her MH might be much better.

OP,
You deserve so much better from the man you have married.

He's a nasty lazy twat.

Protect yourself and get some real life support.

Also to OP, I would not take the advice of people here getting mad at your DH, calling him lazy and saying to assert yourself more. That's only going to lead to even mroe friction. I would support that approach if it sounded like he's taking advantage of you and making you do everything, but to be honest ti doesn't.

it sounds more (just my personal opinion) like he feels you don't listen to him, your problems are more important than his and you get defensive and blame everything on anythign other than just 'I;m so sorry, I did forget'. I think maybe you feel similarly that you're not being heard? Either way, this situation can only be improved by honest, open communciation rather than waiting for the flare-ups and arguments. And it definitely can't be helped by mroe defensiveness and more arguing and 'putting your foot down' without trying to see things from his point of view.....basically, you need to talk more honestly and directly

@LilMidge01 i think you and many others just don't read the OP's posts. OP has said she works full time and does all the housework. Believe her.

Also everyone seems to have latched on to 'you cook and he can;t pick up his pants?'

Unless you've specifically spoken to him about this I doubt he is probably even aware and if you asked him for his perspective he might equally say things he does and tthings that frustrate him that you don't do...this is such a one-sided narrative.

We also havent' heard much about him wrangling a live bird out of the house in the middle of the night while you slept or anything else he has probably done. I'm siure if it were the other way round, we'd hear all about how you did that for little to no thanks...

Not having a go, just saying that this narrative is extremely one-sided

[quote Cadent]@LilMidge01 i think you and many others just don't read the OP's posts. OP has said she works full time and does all the housework. Believe her.[/quote]
I believe she does do the laundry and the cooking as she said she does. I also believe he does more than just 'leaves pants on the floor' (something that seemingly bothers her but we have no idea of his perspective or even if she has raised this with him directly)...we're not getting balanced here at all. There's more to living harmoniously and pulling your weight than doing laundry and cooking. Who deals with emergencies, DIY, random birds in the house in the middle of the night etc? People contribute in different ways and I'm surprised so many people are being so nasty about him when having such little information. Sounds like they are both not listening to each other.

@LilMidge01 give it a rest please. You're berating of the OP is getting tedious.

I believe she does do the laundry and the cooking as she said she does.

No, she said: 'No he doesn't do laundry or housework, he can't even put his dirty laundry in the washing basket its left on the floor.'

@LilMidge01

Also to OP, I would not take the advice of people here getting mad at your DH, calling him lazy and saying to assert yourself more. That's only going to lead to even mroe friction. I would support that approach if it sounded like he's taking advantage of you and making you do everything, but to be honest ti doesn't.

it sounds more (just my personal opinion) like he feels you don't listen to him, your problems are more important than his and you get defensive and blame everything on anythign other than just 'I;m so sorry, I did forget'. I think maybe you feel similarly that you're not being heard? Either way, this situation can only be improved by honest, open communciation rather than waiting for the flare-ups and arguments. And it definitely can't be helped by mroe defensiveness and more arguing and 'putting your foot down' without trying to see things from his point of view.....basically, you need to talk more honestly and directly

When I said assert yourself more I don't mean that a voice needs raised. To me, asserting yourself is being reasonable with your capabilities and what you actually have time for.

I does sound like you are both having a difficult time.

It can only be solved by you both acknowledging this and talking it through. As often as needed. Perhaps with ground rules.

Why isn't he doing any laundry ? Why can't he sort out his own insurance?
Telling you to fuck off is unacceptable.

I don't get argumentative or sit crying with depression and pain, I go the other way and get very quiet

Yup so did my dh. Sitting quiet in misery, it was awful having to sit in his gloom cloud all the time. I like having a bit of fun and chat and laugh but there he was pulling the mood down. Do you think it is an enjoyable way for your dh to spend the evening after a long day at work? You keep saying you just get very quiet like it isn't awful sitting knowing that you can't have a bit of lighthearted chat and fun.

If you want him to step up more with the housework talk to him about it but you are continually minimising the effects that living with someone with depression can have on you despite lots of people telling you about it. Like you said he knows when you are miserable and just sits and cuddles you in front of the TV. How do you think this makes him feel?

He shouldn’t wake you up at 5 am to tell you to do something, that’s just super annoying. Mirena coil can be really good for endo - mine has been awesome.

@snowydaysandholidays

You are working ten hours a day, plus an extra 2/3 hours of housework and all the rest, so that is a 13 hour day easily, and you are wondering why you are feeling ill and are having problems?

Meanwhile dh does a paltry 8 hours a day whilst directing you to do more? Insurance and all the rest?

You are never going to get better as things stand op. He is making sure of that.

This.

If he was pulling his weight with the housework there may be some leeway. But as things stand he has no right to delegate anything to you when you are already taking on more than your fair share. And he should of vacuumed the feathers up himself. He did half a job then woke you to do the rest. Dickish behaviour.

I'm picking up you're both working long hours, he's stressed about his new venture, you have pcos and endometriosis which is painful and draining, you're expected to do all the housework, and you're managing depression/anxiety. And we're in lockdown.

I'm surprised at some of the responses to your post. If you're both working long hours then why should you do all the housework? A small pile of feathers isn't worth getting het up about, it'll get sorted and frankly he could do that. A vacuum cleaner or dustpan and brush would sort it in a few mins. Why wake you up at 5 am? This isn't the 1950s, he could dona bit more round the place...Is your work very pressured? Working 10hrs a day is a long time. Swearing at you re depression and the insurance is unreasonable.

Have you tried some counselling? It may help to untangle some things for you? You mentioned trauma so that maybe something you're carrying around with you. Also your physical health: if the bleeding and pain are not responding to your current treatments, speak to your specialist again. Being in pain regularly must be draining.

@LilMidge01 My husband wasn't up in the middle of the night sorting out the bird, he got up at 5am for work (as usual) and got rid of the dead bird on the floor (no blood, cat just plays with them, I think they die of shock) then woke me up to ask me to Hoover up the feathers.

He wasn't up in the middle of the night.

@LilMidge01 of course I've asked him to put his dirty work clothes, pants and socks in the laundry basket which is just a few feet away from our bed.

I've asked him multiple times, he's not 12. I shouldn't have to keep reminding a man nearly in his 30s to put dirty laundry away.

Thank you to everyone else for your kind words.

I was so upset last night that I came here to rant and get some perspective. I didn't come on here to call my husband an arsehole or say he's lazy. He works hard, I get it, but so do I.

People commenting that he has it hard having a wife with depression and endo/PCOS, I know he does and I try my hardest to take responsibility for myself. Get my own meds, go to appointments alone, take my meds, believe me his life isn't hell.

Other than when I'm having a day when my depression or pain has floored me, we laugh and joke and have fun like any other couple.

I'm not a monster, it's not an unhappy house. I've been like this since before he married me, he's always known I go quiet when on a bad day and his way of helping me with that is just to cuddle up, watch something etc and it's always been that way so to the person who posted that's not nice for him, he married me.

OP

I cannot imagine a scenario where a good man wakes his wife with an instruction to clean something up at 5am...90 minutes before she has to get up.

In the world of kind marriages this does not happen.

He sounds like a lazy petulant arse.

Am I right that you work FT too?

Why is he asking you to do his admin for him?

What is the point of this thread op if all you are going to do is defend him and not listen to any suggestion?

If you are so happily married why post at all.

Honestly.

What @billy1966 said.

Caring partner does their fair share of husework. Nevermind wake up somebody at down to ask to hoover.
Bothered by the feathers of a bird but placing dirty clothes beside the basket is ok? Smacks of double standards.
Even my 8yo DS knows to put his dirty clothes in the basket.
Raise your standards OP, your other half should be doing more.

I wouldnt be having any further discussions with him because I would have killed him if he woke me up 1.5 hours before I needed to be awake to give me a job to do.

He sounds horrible. You are ill tell him to sort his own insurance.