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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend won't speak to me because I'm pregnant

118 replies

Volenti · 16/02/2021 22:00

I have been good friends with this woman for around 10 years - we were relatively close. She has always been very fiercely child free and vocal about it. Her boyfriend is generally unpleasant and feeds into this - he regularly refers to children as 'crotch droppings', 'f*ck trophies' etc.

Me and husband have finally gotten pregnant after a gruelling course of fertility treatment. I was terrified of telling her. When I did, I got no congratulations at all, just a generic 'that's fine, don't worry' message.

Since then, she hasn't spoken to me properly. She completely ignores the fact I am pregnant and has never asked how I am getting on. I have had a really rough one so far, so would have appreciated it. She has now stopped responding to my messages.

I feel really angry. I respect her right to be child free but AIBU to expect her to show some kind of interest at least in my wellbeing?

Is there any hope of maintaining a friendship like this?

OP posts:
MyGoMargot · 16/02/2021 22:02

No there is no hope.

Move on.

Congratulations btw 💐

MyLittleOrangutan · 16/02/2021 22:03

She really doesn't sound like much of a friend. Just a nasty bitter woman.

OloBo · 16/02/2021 22:05

My guess is that all her anti child is a cover for not being able to have them or having suffered losses. She may therefore be finding to hard to talk about.

Butchyrestingface · 16/02/2021 22:06

She has always been very fiercely child free and vocal about it. Her boyfriend is generally unpleasant and feeds into this - he regularly refers to children as 'crotch droppings', 'fck trophies' etc.*

I am gloriously child free but this is absolutely foul.

I know she's not responsible for what her sewer-mouthed boyfriend says, but does she actually ADD anything to your life generally?

turnthebiglightoff · 16/02/2021 22:06

She's an arsehole 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Volenti · 16/02/2021 22:06

I've known her for a very long time - no losses and she genuinely hates kids. I doubt this is any form of jealousy.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 16/02/2021 22:07

@OloBo

My guess is that all her anti child is a cover for not being able to have them or having suffered losses. She may therefore be finding to hard to talk about.
I agree that this is a strong possibility.
Jeschara · 16/02/2021 22:07

She is not your friend. Her boyfriend is vile as well. The expressions he used are disgusting as well.
You dont need her in your life.

Original poster
Volenti · 16/02/2021 22:08

@Butchyrestingface

She has always been very fiercely child free and vocal about it. Her boyfriend is generally unpleasant and feeds into this - he regularly refers to children as 'crotch droppings', 'fck trophies' etc.*

I am gloriously child free but this is absolutely foul.

I know she's not responsible for what her sewer-mouthed boyfriend says, but does she actually ADD anything to your life generally?

I used to have such a laugh with her and on her own, she is quite lovely.

But since bf came along, she has gotten a bit more unpleasant.

I just miss her.

OP posts:
ButtonMoonPie · 16/02/2021 22:09

Regardless of whether I had children or not I would not want to be friends with someone like that. How unpleasant.

abstractprojection · 16/02/2021 22:09

Really sorry OP but she’s shown no care, thought or consideration to you and is not a friend in the sense that most people consider one to be. And her BF is foul

customwatkins · 16/02/2021 22:09

Your life will be filled with new friends and child loving families with the sane outlook on life as you. You are entering into such an exciting period in your life. Congratulations!

Ignore her and move on, she sounds quite bitter and unhappy and a friend who can't celebrate her friends happy times is not a friend.

sbhydrogen · 16/02/2021 22:10

Jeez, that's not a friendship. I would stop messaging her if she's not responding. What's the point, especially as it makes you angry (and upset, too, I'm guessing). Maybe she'll come round, or maybe she won't, but you'll be okay in the end.

Look after yourself, I'm sorry it's been tough so far.

Willow4987 · 16/02/2021 22:10

Fair enough if she doesn’t want children herself but regardless of that she should care enough about you as a friend to support you.

I don’t necessarily want to live the lifestyle or make all the same decisions as my friends but I still care about them and show an interest in their lives. That’s what friends do

I can never understand people who behave this way unless there’s an underlying issue which doesn’t sound like it’s the case here

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/02/2021 22:11

It’s over. Her reaction to your happy news was it’s fine, don’t worry?! Hmm

You don’t need or want her disgusting boyfriend in your life. People seem to forget they were children once too, it’s mind boggling. And she’s got major issues. It’s sad, but friendships end and we adapt.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope you have other decent people in your life.

jaffar · 16/02/2021 22:11

@OloBo

My guess is that all her anti child is a cover for not being able to have them or having suffered losses. She may therefore be finding to hard to talk about.
Not every child free woman is hiding secret pain.
Original poster
Volenti · 16/02/2021 22:12

@Willow4987

Fair enough if she doesn’t want children herself but regardless of that she should care enough about you as a friend to support you.

I don’t necessarily want to live the lifestyle or make all the same decisions as my friends but I still care about them and show an interest in their lives. That’s what friends do

I can never understand people who behave this way unless there’s an underlying issue which doesn’t sound like it’s the case here

In the early stages, I thought I was having a miscarriage and I just really wanted to confide in her.

I'm being silly, because I know the friendship is over. I just have a hard time shaking that feeling that I'm selfish expecting it to be about me and my baby.

OP posts:
sbhydrogen · 16/02/2021 22:13

Actually, have you pulled her up on her behaviour? It might be an awkward conversation but it'd be totally worth it if you want to continue your friendship. Sometimes people don't realise how much of a dick they're being, especially when their partner has similar but even more extreme thoughts (fuck trophies what????)

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/02/2021 22:13

I think her hating kids is a defence mechanism myself. Its some times easier to pretend you don't want something that to be told you can't have it. My theory is she wants a baby and he doesn't. People who don't like kids still play the part and say Congratulations.

Congratulations, BTW.

Diddumz · 16/02/2021 22:14

I suspect that either she really wants a child but has not been able to have one and is defensive about it, or that your news has made her question her own attitude towards having a baby.

I have friends who were very obviously unimpressed when I had my baby. They went out of their way to ignore him when they visited. They always said they never wanted children and I never questioned that. However, I do sometimes wonder if that was the truth? As soon as did got past the baby stage, they were much more relaxed around him.

I had fertility issues too and know how incredible it is to finally have a child after so much sadness. Congratulations to you and best of luck with the new baby!

NiceGerbil · 16/02/2021 22:15

What do you mean by

'She has always been very fiercely child free and vocal about it.'

What sort of this does she say- how does this manifest?

Her bf sounds vile.

Plenty of people don't want children, and I know it can be annoying when people ask why not/ biological clock etc.

But she sounds more anti children? You say she hates them. That's really a very strong way to feel. Do you use hate as an exaggeration or do you mean she literally hates them (happy when they are hurt etc ).

There are really nasty sites etc on the net for people who feel the latter. I read a thread on here about it once and saw some links etc. Really nasty stuff.

Original poster
Volenti · 16/02/2021 22:15

@sbhydrogen

Actually, have you pulled her up on her behaviour? It might be an awkward conversation but it'd be totally worth it if you want to continue your friendship. Sometimes people don't realise how much of a dick they're being, especially when their partner has similar but even more extreme thoughts (fuck trophies what????)
The boyfriend deleted me off Facebook a while ago. He posts very inflammatory statuses which I have disagreed with. The way in which he deals with this is to cut me off - I think this stems from some deep insecurities on his part.

I feel he has been poisoning her against me for a while. I try not to post things about my baby on social media where they can see it.

It's so sad to me, because I loved this woman.

OP posts:
Bbq1 · 16/02/2021 22:15

Not to be harsh here but if she actually hates children why would you want or expect her to be in your life? Would you want her and her vile bf around your child? She sounds horrendous, he sounds sick. You're well rid.

Diddumz · 16/02/2021 22:15

"Fuck trophy" is pretty hideous.

Definitely avoid her.

NiceGerbil · 16/02/2021 22:16

'Your life will be filled with new friends and child loving families with the sane outlook on life as you'

I've got two kids and that would really put me off Grin

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