Friend won't speak to me because I'm pregnant

[Volenti]

I have been good friends with this woman for around 10 years - we were relatively close. She has always been very fiercely child free and vocal about it. Her boyfriend is generally unpleasant and feeds into this - he regularly refers to children as 'crotch droppings', 'f*ck trophies' etc.

Me and husband have finally gotten pregnant after a gruelling course of fertility treatment. I was terrified of telling her. When I did, I got no congratulations at all, just a generic 'that's fine, don't worry' message.

Since then, she hasn't spoken to me properly. She completely ignores the fact I am pregnant and has never asked how I am getting on. I have had a really rough one so far, so would have appreciated it. She has now stopped responding to my messages.

I feel really angry. I respect her right to be child free but AIBU to expect her to show some kind of interest at least in my wellbeing?

Is there any hope of maintaining a friendship like this?

I'm sure you can find a nice person to be friends with. This woman isnt your friend.

There is also this view because you've been friends with someone for a long time, you need to keep the friendship going, even though if you met them now, you wouldn't be interested in being their friend /getting to know them better.

If you wouldn't chose this person to spend time with now, you aren't obliged to be keep them part of your life.

I once had to blow her out for a drink at an hour's notice because my then year-old DD had what we thought might be a meningitis rash and she was furious and didn't speak to me for weeks.

You're a better person than I am. I would have cheerfully booted the friendship over that. I was happily childfree until I changed my mind and did want them, and when a friend's child had a meningitis scare (only a scare, thank God), I drove to hospital to collect her other child, took him home and looked after him overnight until they came back.

You don't need to want children to understand how serious and worrying that is!

Is there any hope of maintaining a friendship like this?

But why would you want to?

Most normal functioning adults are able to recognise that what they might want could be different from what others might want, and can be happy for friends who get what they want.

I'd hate to be vet but if my friend trained for years and finally got her dream job I'd be delighted.

I'm happy when my friends get a new puppy and they're in love with it, even though it's not something I want at ALL

My colleague is a weightlifter, I can't imagine anything more boring or pointless for myself but I was really happy for her when she won a local competition.

That's how normal people function. Not your friend and her boyfriend.

Also neither of my children involved fucking in their conception, so not sure it's accurate to call them fuck trophies

When I did, I got no congratulations at all, just a generic 'that's fine, don't worry' message.

Eh? “The word you’re looking for is Congratulations’ actually, Friend?”

This is not a normal reaction from someone who doesn’t want kids. I’d guess it’s either fertility issues, fear of birth, fear of intimacy, traumatic experience in childhood or similar. Not that that’s an excuse for her to act like a cunt.

Honestly does this idiotic man not realise he too is a crotch dropping?? 🤣

Sorry OP but I don't think she's a friend anymore. And her boyfriend sounds like a very troubled person.

Also when your baby comes I don't think you're going to want your friend and her boyfriend around your baby/toddler/young child in the years to come.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP!

I think there has been a slight overreaction from other posters here. I'm sure the boyfriend is unpleasant in general, but crotch-droppings really isn't that bad, crude but not horrendous. I don't think the friend is a monster child hater either, kids simply aren't for her. I have my own kids, I still couldnt be less interested in other people's or their pregnancies beyond polite conversation.

Unfortunately, @Volenti your friend is the type of person who just doesn't do pregnancy and baby stuff. It's a huge change of direction in your life and that's wonderful - for you. However, it often (not always) means that friendships with those who are child-free can disintegrate. Even the ones who show interest now may soon disappear when the baby is actually here, or all those promises of 'babysitting' or even just visiting may soon start to dwindle. People are generally not so rude or direct about it as your friend, but really many people (especially those who don't imagine having kids soon/at all) say the right things but aren't actually that interested.

Block her.
No more.

I have some friends that hate kids. They never ask about them or show any interest in them and only wanted to see me without them. I think that's ok and I've accepted that and still see them, because they were still interested in me, still invited me to things and didnt hold it against me when I couldn't go because of having young babies. Your friend is being a dick, you dont even have a baby yet and she is ignoring you s a person, not just the you as a mother part. Unless you're one of those people that can only talk about the pregnancy and the baby. It's horrible to drop someone because of something that's going on in their life, you havent had a personality transplant and most women (though not all admittedly) are able to maintain interests, careers and friendships independently of children and babies

It sounds like there is nothing to lose by saying something along the lines of you appreciate she is not interested in babies but you thought that you were friends and you're hurt that she is ignoring you, as you are still able to maintain non baby related conversation etc

She's no friend. And her boyfriend sounds vile.
We had a "friend" like this. The girlfriend of an old friend. They came to see us not long after our daughter was born. She wrinkled her nose and pulled a face then said how babies make a house smell disgusting. Then when I discreetly breastfed my daughter on the sofa she asked if I could go to the bedroom as it made her feel sick. I told her if that was the case then she should leave. Cut her off without a backward glance, and haven't seen her in over 20 years. We occasionally see her partner, who apologised for her behaviour, but no apology from her, so I don't think that counts.
People like her are are bitter and twisted, and there are so many people in the world that are lovely, why on earth would you want someone like that in your life?

Unless there is some trauma there, then this woman is horrible.

Could there be something from her own childhood maybe, or is she literally Miss Trunchbull.

Her boyfriend sounds like an arse and I wonder if he is exacerbating her already strongly held views- which are perfectly reasonable, but very rude to say to families! It's like visiting a friend's home then slagging off their decor to their face. I'd just leave her for now, but don't block her if she was a close friend- just wait and see. She might tone down her anti-child views as more friends have them, or as they get older (or if arsehole boyfriend vanishes).

@nervalslobster

She's no friend. And her boyfriend sounds vile. We had a "friend" like this. The girlfriend of an old friend. They came to see us not long after our daughter was born. She wrinkled her nose and pulled a face then said how babies make a house smell disgusting. Then when I discreetly breastfed my daughter on the sofa she asked if I could go to the bedroom as it made her feel sick. I told her if that was the case then she should leave. Cut her off without a backward glance, and haven't seen her in over 20 years. We occasionally see her partner, who apologised for her behaviour, but no apology from her, so I don't think that counts. People like her are are bitter and twisted, and there are so many people in the world that are lovely, why on earth would you want someone like that in your life?

Good for you. I'd have done the same.

It's absolutely fine not to want kids, but to be so performative about it, so deliberately rude and really quite hateful, isn't normal or the sign of a happy, secure person.

They sound awful. You're well rid. I would at least expect a congratulations' from her. And the occasional 'how are you and baby?' Call/ text

What a bunch of twats.

I appreciate not everyone finds children easy to relate to or get along with, but they are people. It should be no more appropriate to talk about hating them than it is to talk about hating any other group - the old, the mentally ill, Buddhists, people with disabilities. And simply refusing to have anything to do with them under any circumstances isn't much better.

TBH I think the fad to use the word "childfree" has played into the increasing acceptability of some of the really nasty and unacceptable rhetoric from the "childfree community" which a previous poster mentioned, and even more generally. It's difficult to imagine using a similar construction about any other group of people. Rather than a men's book club, you could have a woman-free book club - not quite the same connotation. Some people somehow get the sense, because it's now in common use, that saying this shit publicly is ok.