Friend won't speak to me because I'm pregnant

[Volenti]

I have been good friends with this woman for around 10 years - we were relatively close. She has always been very fiercely child free and vocal about it. Her boyfriend is generally unpleasant and feeds into this - he regularly refers to children as 'crotch droppings', 'f*ck trophies' etc.

Me and husband have finally gotten pregnant after a gruelling course of fertility treatment. I was terrified of telling her. When I did, I got no congratulations at all, just a generic 'that's fine, don't worry' message.

Since then, she hasn't spoken to me properly. She completely ignores the fact I am pregnant and has never asked how I am getting on. I have had a really rough one so far, so would have appreciated it. She has now stopped responding to my messages.

I feel really angry. I respect her right to be child free but AIBU to expect her to show some kind of interest at least in my wellbeing?

Is there any hope of maintaining a friendship like this?

@Okokokbear

All those saying she's not happily child free. Honestly loads of people who are child free act like this. From my experience I these groups I really dont think it's this.

And they use these crass, insulting terms to parents, and cut off people when they have kids?

If that's true, nobody's missing them as friends, they must be shit. But it's an excessive, emotional and really not very rational response. They're plainly not dispassionate about it. They have a much more complicated and kind of hateful thought process going on than "not for me, but you do you".

I'd query how many of the people you know are truly happy not to have children if they regularly act like this, to be honest. It's just not a sign of someone who has made a lifestyle choice that makes them happy.

Cut and run..i wouldn't want someone like that aroundcmy kids

I don’t agree with PP bashing the friend for not wanting children. She has quite strong feelings on the subject and there’s quite possibly a reason for that. Maybe something on her own childhood, maybe something when she was a teen. Maybe she can’t have them and has chosen to distance herself from them. Have you ever asked?

For her to ‘drop’ friends when they become pregnant is indicative of this too.

Did you talk to her about the fertility treatment? Is it literally just a pregnancy that’s caused her to act this way?

She’s obviously chosen a boyfriend who makes her choice easier. But there’s probably more to it than her just being a ‘twat’ for not liking children.

I really didn’t want kids, for no other reason than I saw them as life limiting. Though they have nothing on a pandemic.

For your own piece of mind just leave it and move on. The 'hate' sounds a tad unhinged (and I say that as someone happily child free) , the BF sounds a nasty piece of work. It may be that he is influencing her response but either way why put yourself in the sphere of someone with such repugnant opinions.

Congratulations on your pregnancy - spend this special time with people who are happy for you.

OP saying she is really quite lovely and she hates kids are two contradictory statements. You don’t get to ‘hate’ a group of innocent human beings and also be a lovely person. It’s not ok to HATE kids. Your friend is a bad person.

Happily childfree and secretly find babies pretty tiresome, but always happy if my friends are happy.

I even stayed with a friend once and her baby. It screamed for three nights straight and I didn’t complain once even though I was like a zombie from lack of sleep

I don’t think this woman is a friend at all. Do you want your kid around someone who talks like that about kids?

Drop her and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy

Look for your baby support elsewhere. She’s not interested in babies and that’s ok. This may result in the friendship loosing its closeness permanently or temporarily. Personally I’d give her space and lower my expectations of her

@OloBo

My guess is that all her anti child is a cover for not being able to have them or having suffered losses. She may therefore be finding to hard to talk about.

That exactly what I was thinking. Bizarre behaviour. And congratulations OP

Not everyone who dislikes children is hiding a secret desire for them, or sadness of not being able to have them...

OP's friend sounds like a bellend, but some of us just find loud unpredictable small people who need lots of attention stressful!

That's not to say I would say any of what Bad Friend has said, but I haaaaaate the narrative that women who don't like/want children are secretly hankering after their own and sad they don't have them.

@Volenti post whatever you want to FB.
They pop upas memories and they do be so lovely.
Get rid of the pair of them,cause they'll suck the joy out of your pregnancy
Don't let them ruin your lovely time and memories..

Block her and never contact her again. Simple as that.

You miss who she used to be but this is who she is now and you're clinging onto an imaginary friend at this point. It sounds like you have other friends who are lovely. Put your energy into fostering better friendships with them.

You can dislike children and never want them yourself but still be happy for friends who do. She sounds bitter and self centred.

Not everyone who dislikes children is hiding a secret desire for them, or sadness of not being able to have them...

Of course not. Nobody has suggested otherwise. But if you feel the need to express it by loudly and crassly insulting children and those who have them, and cutting off anyone who has them, well forgive us, but it doesn't look like a dispassionate choice that's leaving you happy and fulfilled.

Imagine I were single, and was always describing men as "useless cock" or similar. You told me about your new boyfriend, and I ditched you at once, while still going on about "useless cock, I totally don't want a boyfriend!" What would you think?

This is not a friend. A friend would be happy you were happy.

As you go through life and get pregnant/engaged/married/divorced/suffer a bereavement, you will have people in your life who will drop you like a stone and you will get others who go to the other extreme and make it 'all about them' unfortunately. I just see it as a way of knowing who your true friends are in life. Sad but it happens. Could be jealousy or they could be threatened by the change in status quo. Whatever it is, it's not you -it's them. Time to move on, get on with life and meet new faces.

OP, I had friends who were a great laugh on a night out, but really weren't close friends, and when life got tough, we drifted. I have people in my life now that I enjoy their company (when we are allowed to go out!) they are a great person to put on a dinner party invite list as they're great at keeping conversation going and have a never-ending supply of amusing stories, but I know I couldn't turn to them if I was in a crisis or needed emotional support.

They arent bad people, but its ok to have friends for different reasons and different stages of your life.

Given another of this friend's friends has had a baby recently, are you at that late 20s/early 30s stage when everyone is having babies, buying houses near good schools etc? It could just be that she was a great friend for your younger years, but won't fit in with your next stage.

She was on the same "path" as you, but she's actively chosen a man who is so anti dcs and picked a different lifestyle. Its ok to say you're moving too separately and she's not important enough to you and you aren't important enough to her to bridge that gap.

This friendship is over OP, and I think you know that. Let yourself mourn but then move on and don’t expose yourself to such toxic behaviour.

My sister doesn’t like kids, and has been clear that she doesn’t ever want any since we were kids ourselves. She has never felt broody and would hate to give up her freedoms for small, sticky, noisy people. BUT when I was struggling to conceive she was always there for me, she was thrilled for me when I got pregnant, came and gave me a facial and did my nails when I reached the “beached whale” stage and she absolutely dotes on her nephew. She loves him because she loves me. That’s normal, healthy behaviour.

Just to add that I could have written this about a friend who is also in the "gloriously chid free" camp.

We really struggled when my DD was born 10 years ago: she had no empathy whatsoever for the usual struggles that people with newborns encounter etc. I once had to blow her out for a drink at an hour's notice because my then year-old DD had what we thought might be a meningitis rash and she was furious and didn't speak to me for weeks.

Now 10 years on she has totally turned around and made peace with the situation and loves my DD.

People without children and desire for children often really struggle to put themselves in the shoes of those that do have them. It doesn't necessarily mean they are in private pain about not having their own (that's often a projection by women who did want children), it just means they don't get it and resent the de-emphasis on the friendship.

The boyfriend sounds like an unpleasant arse and I do think you should not prioritise this friend for now. But it doesn't necessarily mean the end of the road for you and she. You may find time changes her perspective on this.

Oh and the boyfriend's very childish crudeness about children sounds school boy behaviour, trying to say something shocking to get a rise out of the grown ups! Dh has several male friends who didn't want children. They were open about it, but polite to others with dcs.

The very vocal and rude nature of the boyfriend's approach to children makes me think its not just him deciding in a grown up fashion he doesn't want kids, but having made being "anti children" part of who he is.

He's the sort to dump her when they are mid 40s for a younger model who he does get pregnant quickly. Because its not that he doesn't want children, he wants to be the sort of person who is bucking the trend and not signing up to society's expectations and shocking you dull sheeple.

Why are you friends with someone who has chosen a boyfriend that calls kids vile names? You need to choose better friends. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being childless by choice or otherwise but no need to be an arse either. Why an earth would you choose to share anything about your pregnancy with her or expect her to care when she doesn't like babies or kids in general? Off load on someone else. Surely you have friends or family you can share with, if not now is the time to start widening your circle.

You need to distance yourself from her, and she should perhaps find some new childfree friends Good luck with your pregnancy.

If she has always disliked children, not sure why you were expecting her to take an interest in your pregnancy in the first instance. It sounds like you both wanted very different things in life which normally means no long term compatibility.

Outside of your DH and grandparents, most people simply aren’t interested in anyone else’s pregnancy or children. Depending on the person, some can make it feel like they have been pregnant for years and it gets boring very very quickly especially when it then turns into moaning about lack of sleep etc.

Perhaps it’s time to let the friendship slide and find new friends in similar circumstances where there may be more shared interests.

To be fair to the OP, it does sound like the boyfriend is new and the friend wasn't dating "shocking contrarian arseman" when they became friends. My friendships have lasted friends being in relationships with proper twats, thankfully most have come to their senses.

Another thought OP, has your friend being WFH since last March? If she's been spending all her time with this arse, she might well have lost judgement that his views are so abnormal. Seeing other people just quietly getting on with living a way he has judged so wrong might be jarring for her. Lockdown has removed perspective and other views/attitudes from many people.

Why do you like this woman? She sounds a real piece of work to not respect the existence of children anyway, as does this boyfriend. You won't want them around your poor child.

OP saying she is really quite lovely and she hates kids are two contradictory statements

I’m regularly described as lovely and absolutely loathe being around children. I’m not saying I hate them per se, but I hate being with them. Different strokes for different folks