Friend won't speak to me because I'm pregnant

[Volenti]

I have been good friends with this woman for around 10 years - we were relatively close. She has always been very fiercely child free and vocal about it. Her boyfriend is generally unpleasant and feeds into this - he regularly refers to children as 'crotch droppings', 'f*ck trophies' etc.

Me and husband have finally gotten pregnant after a gruelling course of fertility treatment. I was terrified of telling her. When I did, I got no congratulations at all, just a generic 'that's fine, don't worry' message.

Since then, she hasn't spoken to me properly. She completely ignores the fact I am pregnant and has never asked how I am getting on. I have had a really rough one so far, so would have appreciated it. She has now stopped responding to my messages.

I feel really angry. I respect her right to be child free but AIBU to expect her to show some kind of interest at least in my wellbeing?

Is there any hope of maintaining a friendship like this?

@NiceGerbil

What do you mean by

'She has always been very fiercely child free and vocal about it.'

What sort of this does she say- how does this manifest?

Her bf sounds vile.

Plenty of people don't want children, and I know it can be annoying when people ask why not/ biological clock etc.

But she sounds more anti children? You say she hates them. That's really a very strong way to feel. Do you use hate as an exaggeration or do you mean she literally hates them (happy when they are hurt etc ).

There are really nasty sites etc on the net for people who feel the latter. I read a thread on here about it once and saw some links etc. Really nasty stuff.

Maybe not hate...strongly dislike and do not tolerate would be better. She used to get quite agitated when children were around in public.

Her other friend got pregnant recently and...put it this way, I don't think they have spoken either.

There is no hope sadly. Once you have your child it will only get worse and would you really want a child hater in your life then?

That said, treat it like a bereavement and allow yourself to feel the loss and sadness. When a long term friendship ends it truly feels like a death in some ways. It’s ok to feel sad about it. But equally she’s not your friend and never will be again.

Congratulations too

She’s a twat.

But why would you want her as a friend? You’d feel uncomfortable sharing anything positive with her. You’d feel even more uncomfortable sharing anything negative with her because it is likely to be met with an eye-roll and an “I told you so”. You’re on different paths and I don’t see how you remain friends.

Mind you I have kids and have several child free friends who are perfectly happy with their choices and range from loving aunts and uncles to disinterested adults.. and we all get on. But I couldn’t be around someone who referred to my favourite people in the world as crotch goblins or whatever.

Believe people when they show you who they are.

She’s showing you her real self. It absolutely sucks for you because you put so much into the friendship. But she is not worth it.

@Bbq1

Not to be harsh here but if she actually hates children why would you want or expect her to be in your life? Would you want her and her vile bf around your child? She sounds horrendous, he sounds sick. You're well rid.

I think that is the most upsetting thing...I can't imagine her ever wanting to visit.

I was trying to debate how this would work - would she expect me to leave baby at home? Am I being unreasonable for not wanting that?

Congrats btw on your pregnancy and I’m sorry it’s been so rough. Hope it’s all smooth sailing here on in.

Her behaviour is really abnormal tbh and get bf sounds grim.

His language is also misogynist (another feature of the online 'community' of those who don't like children).

@ZaphodBeeblerox

But why would you want her as a friend? You’d feel uncomfortable sharing anything positive with her. You’d feel even more uncomfortable sharing anything negative with her because it is likely to be met with an eye-roll and an “I told you so”. You’re on different paths and I don’t see how you remain friends.

Mind you I have kids and have several child free friends who are perfectly happy with their choices and range from loving aunts and uncles to disinterested adults.. and we all get on. But I couldn’t be around someone who referred to my favourite people in the world as crotch goblins or whatever.

I've got other child free friends who have been wonderful.

One is genuinely so excited for us, she is already planning babysitting duties (post-lockdown)

Do you really care what people like that think? They sound revolting.

I'd remove them from your social media so that you can post about your pregnancy as you wish. I think anyone who makes you feel nervous about expressing happy feelings isn't really a friend.

Sorry you have lost a friend. But I think maybe in time you'll be better off with a different type of friend, someone who is able to enjoy what you do even if it isn;t the same choices they would make.

Congratulations on your preganancy.

Her other friend got pregnant recently and...put it this way, I don't think they have spoken either.

Sounds like she's going to lose a lot of friends.

'She has always been very fiercely child free and vocal about it.'

What sort of this does she say- how does this manifest?

I don’t know about OP’s friend but my friend who’s like this randomly brings up how awful children are, how disgusting pregnancy is, that babies are boring, gross, ruin your life. She’s got massive issues inherited from her batshit toxic mother who’s always told her and her sister what a mistake they both were and how she’d have left their dad if she hadn’t had them. When our first friend got pregnant she said “you know how I feel about pregnancy and babies, the whole thing is gross and I don’t feel any different about it because it’s you”.

Why would you want to maintain a friendship with her. They sound vile.

I'm childfree by choice (no secret losses or longing for a baby) and don't particularly like children. I've still been excited for and asked the right questions etc when my friends have got pregnant - I'm happy for them, even if it's not what I want for myself. And I try and be nice Aunty Roci even if I'm not particularly bothered by kids when I'm around them...

Your friend is a dick. Even her initial reaction - "don't worry, it's fine"?! - is so mean and completely ignores your feelings. She might be thinking, as I do when someone gets pregnant, "ooh no my worst nightmare" but she should also be thinking "...but my friend is clearly delighted and this is what she wants".

She's making it all about her and she sounds horrible.

Who knows what’s going on but you should not put up with her being a total cow. This is not a friendship.

You will make new friends who will support you, so move on forward. She may reappear in your life at some point, but let her go for now.

For everyone saying she’s jealous, she’s not. She just hates kids. There are plenty of people like this.

Your friendship is over. For the next x number of years you’ll be bringing a baby/toddler/small child with you everywhere and she doesn’t want to spend her free time like that.

Shes not your friend. Get rid. No one needs shit people like this in their lives, bringing you down. Move on.

“Don’t worry”!?

I couldn’t remain friends with someone who was arrogant enough to think that my priority in getting pregnant should be to worry about how it affects our friendship.

I doubt it’s a cover for any secret heartbreak on her part btw. Some people genuinely do NOT want children. And that’s fine.

What isn’t fine is the use horrible crass language to describe fellow members of the human race.

Are you sure they chose not to have children? It really doesn't sound like it.

At any rate, if she's chosen to stop speaking to you for any reason, not much you can do. When someone wants to leave your life, let them go.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Hun you’re in a very toxic friendship with this lady and the same goes for her and her boyfriend. Reading ur message I believed I was reading comments of a 13 year old when u said he refers to kids as crotch droppings and f trophies. What a disgusting man. And quite frankly if your so called friend is with this type of man, she is not dissimilar in her thoughts on the topic of children and therefore of your soon to be born baby.

The average person does not walk about calling children these things. Nor do friends imply that pregnancy is a thing to worry about (by saying don’t worry assuming that you were when I’d imagine you were obviously very delighted after all that treatment you’d been through!)

It’s not normal healthy behaviour from either of them and I’m wondering what made you two ‘relatively close’ in the first place?

Believe me, this isn’t someone you want around your children

Congratulations on your baby xxx

OP I’m sorry for you losing your friend. But the truth is you lost her when you decided you wanted kids. She is so set in her narrow way of thinking that she can’t be a proper friend to anyone who has children.

Take a couple of months to mourn the friendship but do let it fizzle out. She’s been really unkind with her comments and attitude. You don’t need people like that in your life.

I’m happily childfree and would never say anything like that to my pregnant friends. I always buy lovely gifts and want to check in on how they’re doing, because I care about them!

I can tell you’re hurt, OP, but surely this isn’t a surprise? She’s always been upfront and vocal about disliking children, her bf uses unpleasant ‘breeder’ rhetoric which she’s presumably ok with, and you say she dropped a mutual friend who got pregnant.

I was happily child free till 40, and a few friends without children dropped me like a stone from the moment I told them I was pregnant — I mean they literally stopped taking my calls and never replied to emails. I know one couple had wanted children and not been able to have them, and IVF failed, but with one friend, I know she’d never wanted children. To her I had just moved into a different, and uninteresting category, and the friendship she felt for me wasn’t strong enough to overcome that.

Oh, and you might find you regroup later on. I’ve reconnected with my friend in a low-key way nine years on.

I know loads of people who don't want kids. Some are more vocal about it than others, but none of them make crass remarks or stop speaking to people who get pregnant. That really isn't normal behaviour.

But at any rate, for whatever reason, she doesn't want to be friends any more so there you go. There would be no place in my life for anyone who called my kids horrible names anyway.