Friend won't speak to me because I'm pregnant

[Volenti]

I have been good friends with this woman for around 10 years - we were relatively close. She has always been very fiercely child free and vocal about it. Her boyfriend is generally unpleasant and feeds into this - he regularly refers to children as 'crotch droppings', 'f*ck trophies' etc.

Me and husband have finally gotten pregnant after a gruelling course of fertility treatment. I was terrified of telling her. When I did, I got no congratulations at all, just a generic 'that's fine, don't worry' message.

Since then, she hasn't spoken to me properly. She completely ignores the fact I am pregnant and has never asked how I am getting on. I have had a really rough one so far, so would have appreciated it. She has now stopped responding to my messages.

I feel really angry. I respect her right to be child free but AIBU to expect her to show some kind of interest at least in my wellbeing?

Is there any hope of maintaining a friendship like this?

I can’t comprehend how you can like someone who shows you such little consideration.

Move on and enjoy your pregnancy as much as you can without her.

The friendship is over either way, either she does come around slightly and you spend any time you have with her minimising your own life including your joy at finally getting the family you wanted, which will end in resentment on your part.
Or she doesn’t come around and you simply don’t have any contact in the future.

It does sound like she wasn’t a fan of kids before the BF came on the scene but has been swayed and influenced into being actually offended by anyone who does like kids / does want them.

That’s not someone you want in your life. Perhaps if the bf is as big of pile of shit as he sounds when they break up she might have a realisation of what an arsehole she’s been and try to reconcile your friendship - it’s a possibility.

But I would resign yourself to the fact that some people don’t stay in your life for the long haul. You say you’ve had some great times together- that’s lovely but it doesn’t guarantee you the future. Let her crack on with her life choices and you crack on with yours.

It’s ok to be sad that the friendship has run its course but you don’t need to sit in those feelings or try to analyse the situation. Accept and move on. You can’t change how someone else behaves.

Congratulations btw!

I know how this feels , my old school friend married a man who didn't want children and she had an abortion which I'm not sure she ever told him . My first daughter is now 13 and our "friendship" limped on for many years where I put up with her opinions on children and parents while remaining silence , until covid where she talked about how children were super spreaders , home schooling parents and teenagers should shut up and how she felt sorry for her dog ( baby substitute ) not being able to go on long walks of holidays . I told her that I found her constant berating of other humans unacceptable and we haven't spoken since . And I don't miss her , she was not the same person and we had nothing in common . But I now have fabulous "new" friends that share my outlook on life . All the best

@OloBo

My guess is that all her anti child is a cover for not being able to have them or having suffered losses. She may therefore be finding to hard to talk about.

That was my first thought too and also maybe why her husband refers to them as crotch droppings and f**k trophies. It's probably their way of dealing with not being able to have children of their own

Not gonna lie, I did a mild lol at "crotch droppings".

Op she isn't a friend.

I think you've now been relegated into a 'people not worth bothering with anymore' category. I wouldn't pursue her friendship, she won't change.

She must go through a lot of friends.

I’m also childfree and don’t act like I’m secretly jealous cos why would I be super jealous of what looks like a dull life of drudgery and what mainly seems like super ungratefulness after all that?

I wouldn’t like a baby in my house tbf although I have gone to visit them In theirs and made the appropriate noises. But this is obviously a totally different situation so I just think you should cool it. Sad but move on. All the best.

She sounds awful and the way her DH talks about children is vile- what a nasty man. Why would you want to be friends with a man like that anyway? I certainly wouldn’t have a man like that near my child.

Drop them both and move on. She sounds crazy ditching you because you’ve got pregnant!

I have a friend very similar to yours. Very vocally anti-children and told me recently that she was dreading her friends having kids because it meant she’d have to be around them

Well, I’m now pregnant. I dreaded telling her too and she went quiet on me for a good few months after I did. Now seemingly back to normal but hasn’t asked me how I’m doing once. Going to be interesting when the baby arrives!

It’s very odd that people think their opinions on other people’s family lives matter so much but I’ve come to realise it’s not worth getting worked up over. If they want to lose their friends, it’s up to them.

You deserve much better, OP.

the mere fact you were terrified of telling her your wonderful news for fear of her 'as predicted' reaction... tells me you should not be in any contact with this vile person OP ..

Congratulations on your marvellous news 🌺

She actually doesn't seem like a very nice person and her boyfriend seems particularly unpleasant.

I think I'd be wondering why I'd been friends with her at all rather than wondering how to maintain the friendship.

Move on. You have a new baby to look forward to that will bring far more pleasure to your life than these 2 miseries.

Tell her she and her BF are vile and you are glad to have no contact with her again

@Cautionsharpblade

For everyone saying she’s jealous, she’s not. She just hates kids. There are plenty of people like this.

Your friendship is over. For the next x number of years you’ll be bringing a baby/toddler/small child with you everywhere and she doesn’t want to spend her free time like that.

Agree. Plenty of people don’t want or like children. She is not remotely interested in your pregnancy and is not pretending to

I had this with my first child four years ago. My best friend who I’d previously lived with was very vocal about hating babies and women who let them consume them etc. I met with her for coffee and made a conscious effort to never mentioned my baby. I don’t post my children on social media or anything like that. She carried on making comments about “losing my life” and we drifted apart.
When my daughter turned three, that friend announced she was pregnant and (you guessed it) posted weekly updates of what size fruit the baby was that week of pregnancy, her maternity wardrobe, the nursery, first poo, on and on and on.
I think she was struggling to conceive but was too proud to talk about it. I hold no grudge. It does make me sad to have lost such a good friend though.

Only read your first post and no replies.

I really hope you are being advised to stay away and you listen!

Throughout life friends are made and stick together for many reasons- one being the friends fulfil a need for each other. So she needs someone to be an arse to and you don't like all she says but like her for whatever reasons.

You are now entering a new and exciting journey and you are within your rights to feel amazing and true friends will also feel this with you. Unfortunately she (for whatever reason) is unable to do that and casts a shadow of darkness over your joy. This is not a true friend.

When your precious baby is in your arms believe me you will not tolerate any negative comments about anything to do with your child.
Best get rid now and feel the better person for it. If she's a true friend she'll come back to you apologising.
Until then go no contact.

For comparison, when I was pregnant my real/ genuine close friends were overjoyed and asked for updates. Close friends who weren't into babies would ask how I was and always be lovely but didn't get into the 'how many weeks are you now/ what size fruit is baby' etc. They are still friends.
One friend was very jealous when I made my announcement, I found out as a couple of others separately told me. So I did the opposite of pushing her out and tried to include her in everything (she also said and did want this).
Can't say too much but she let me down massively when baby was about 3 months old. Massive. Anyway I gave benefit of doubt and allowed her in my baby's life, very close, came on family outings etc.
Then when baby was about 2 she did it again, this time it slightly involved my child and a complete lack of thought for them. Very sly and out of order- Unnecessarily. Obviously she is out my life now but I could have saved my family and friends so much bother if those initial alarm bells I had in pregnancy were not ignored.

We are very clued up when pregnant as we have a natural instinct to protect our baby.

Congratulations OP!

I don't think there's any hope for this friendship by the sounds of it. Her BF sounds like a complete twat but she doesn't sound much better.

I have friends who are childless by choice and yet they still manage to at least pretend to be interested when it comes to my kids. I consciously try not to talk too much about child related things with them like I would if I was with family etc but they still ask after them.

I find it's a good rule to remember that other people don't find your children anywhere near as interesting as you do However I couldn't spend time with someone who referred to my children as those vile names or just completely denied their existence.

Accept that the friendship has run its course and find new friends with whom you have more in common.

She’s not child free by choice is she....we had exactly the same thing with a couple we were very friendly with, I actually wondered whether it might be the same people at first!!

Honestly I just left them to it, like with you there was a obviously a lot of bitterness and things that she’s never dealt with.

Your friend never dealt with it and probably isn’t about to start now. I would just leave her to it.

You won’t have time to deal with it once the baby arrives.

She may come round, although this wasn’t our experience.

Mmmm
I've said this t ice tonight weirdly

Make sure you know everything about her history before cutting her off.

I have gone NC with my aunt after the way she behaved regarding my pregnancy. She is extremely jealous as she has been trying for a while. At first I felt sorry for her and was able to overlook her essentially freezing me out- no congratulations and basically stopped talking to me. I thought she just needed time. Then things got nasty- nasty messages, weird pictures posted onto my social media, hacked FB accounts targeting me. I wouldn't tolerate this behaviour from a family member, so there is absolutely no way I would take such bulls*t from a so called 'friend'. I get some people don't want kids and aren't interested in babies- totally fine, but that's no excuse to be such a bad friend. Get rid and don't look back.

For whatever it's worth, it sounds to me as though she may not be as happily childfree as she claims. That sounds most likely. It's just not a normal response and she is clearly not dispassionate about the whole thing.

Alternative possibility (which doesn't rule out the first one, actually) is that she has placed a huge part of her identity on not having children and, to support this, has cultivated a concept of parenthood as being so indescribably awful for whatever reason that she needs to prove just how much she can't bear to be associated with it in any way. That she is so far off whatever she considers it to be that she can't even stand to be friends with people who do it. It looks nuts to many people because it is, but if this is the case, in her mind it preserves her image of herself as free spirited and unconventional or whatever she thinks a parent couldn't possibly be.

For whatever reason, it's something she can't get over. That's not your problem.

I can understand people having no interest in babies, but it’s extreme to say the least, to say that you can’t bring your baby into her house!

That would be the end of the friendship for me - if it ever really was one. Life’s too short.

Take this as a glorious opportunity to get rid of a deeply unpleasant couple from your life.
I’m not sure why you ever thought she would have been supportive of your pregnancy in the first place.

To all of you shocked by how the friend and bf are talking about children loads of chid free people talk like this. I'm chilfrer. I was in a few group on Facebook, just to see what they were like really. I didn't last long. People were aggressively child free. But also I found quite misogynistic in their views as they saw anything due to maternity rights as being rights for something the women had chosen to do.

I font want kids but I'm fiercly feminist and of course think maternity rights are very important. So yeah wasn't for me. But my point is loads of people do act like this regarding being child free.

And it can be annoying when parents are selfish and entitled I think we all know this! But I have friends and family with children. I love the kids and was super excited. I think if she can't be happy for you then the friendship is over.

All those saying she's not happily child free. Honestly loads of people who are child free act like this. From my experience I these groups I really dont think it's this.

Well the boyfriends sounds abusive. No one normal walks around calling children those sort of names, it’s very weird. So for that reason alone I’d be very glad he wants to maintain a distance.

As for your friend I would be concerned she is in a controlling relationship. I wouldn’t defriend her or anything extreme. I’d let the friendship wane with the thought that she might return some point in the future if she disentangles herself from him. So my advice would be to back right off but leave the door ajar.