Totally had enough now...why is everything my job?

[Schooldilemma2345]

My husband and I just had a huge row about wrapping up a vacuum cleaner to post that I sold on eBay. It sounds ridiculous but it feels like the whole argument epitomises everything I’m feeling! I’m totally fucked off with being the only person in a household of 5 who does any life admin. I’m juggling a hundred balls and nobody notices or cares. I feel totally and utterly overwhelmed and under appreciated and if I try to explain how I feel he just doesn’t get it. Lockdown certainly isn’t helping but it’s definitely not the route cause.
It’s like that philosophy teacher who fills a jar with stones and then asks his students if it’s full, “yes it’s full” they say. But then miraculously he manages to add smaller stones, then sand and then finally water til the bloody jar is at bursting point. My kids are the stones, the housework and the cooking and food shopping are the smaller stones, the sand is my work which I seem to be expected to complete in a spare 30 secs here or there whilst stirring pasta sauce or vaguely supervising an online lesson and bloody homeschool is the water that has somehow been shoehorned into the mix.
Nobody seems to care that I can’t bloody concentrate on anything. When I complain to my husband that I can’t think straight he just says “well I can’t do my work from home can I” but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t get much done if he was in my shoes either.
I’m sick of being gaslit about being constantly on my phone too, I’m not looking on social media or playing Tetris- I’m doing an online food order (so that if someone offers to cook to give me a ‘break’ I can say yes, we’re having sausages- they’re in the fridge, on the second shelf down, behind the yoghurts- yes, they’re definitely in there), or emailing a teacher or catching up on work emails or buying a pair of wellies in the next size up or something equally boring.
I don’t want to ask for help- I don’t want to delegate something on my to-do list and then spend the next half an hour explaining which pan to use or where the nail scissors might be hiding or what my Amazon password is or what number cartridge the fucking printer takes. I just want some of the shit to vaporise completely- I want it not to be my job in the first place. And if I hear one more time that I’m a control freak who won’t ‘let’ anyone ‘help’ I’m going to stab someone.
Sorry rant over!

I just had a similar conversation with my husband while my very unwell baby screamed the house down. I am pouring from an empty cup and I am fucking done.

I have no advice but you have my sympathy

I can totally sympathise OP. I managed to get norovirus (how??) at the weekend and tried to quarantine in my bedroom. I thought the door was going to fall off the hinges with people coming in to ask "where is x" "how do you cook y". When I could finally move on Sunday night I came down to utter carnage. My husband is a fully functioning adult, my kids are bloody teens it should be possible to look after themselves. I was bloody furious.
I don't have the answer but I would love to know how to change.

Has it always been like this? How old are the kids?

Don't apologise.
Sounds like they have learnt to not have an independent thought.
Strike.

Carve a whole section of tasks from your weekly list out and give them to DH. Food shopping, cooking and serving would be a good one - so he creates the menu for the week so he knows he can cook the chosen meals, he shops, he puts things away and therefore knows where they are and delivers the meals to the table at an agreed time. All week.
Working and home schooling means your jar is full, just be very clear with him.

My DH only realised and appreciated how much I actually did for everyone when I had a c-section so couldn’t move for a couple of weeks. The house fell to shit, it looked like a bomb site and I’ve never seen DH so frazzled. He kept saying ‘I really don’t know how you do it’ over and over again.

He helps out more now although he’s still not the best, both he and the DC have an amazing ability to step over mess consistently until I nag enough at them to actually move the mess.

Sorry your baby isn’t well Aphrodite- I hope you can get a break

@Okokokbear

Has it always been like this? How old are the kids?

Kids are 10, 8 and 6. It hasn’t always been like this, it’s come on gradually since having children

The 10 year old could help with housework and should be.
The 8 year old can do age appropriate tasks, even the 6 year old should be able to put toys away.

Then half your list and give it to dh, he should be pulling his weight too.
When he is at home he should be doing 50% of the load, whether he works or not.

We share weeks. One week DH is in charge of all meals, including shopping, planning and prepping. Next week me. Week after DD.

I agree with carving off chunks.

This year after a big argument I handed over the responsibility for meal planning and food shopping to DP. I just said I'm no longer doing everything and you can do this one task. It has been amazing! One less thing for me to worry about and it shares some of the mental load. I recommend you split chores equally between you. Although he hasnt said it outright I think its made my partner appreciate that I was just expected to sort this for years. I also think he has realised that shopping is not as cheap as he thought it was!

Delegate the stuff that doesn't require fiddling about with log ons or figuring out a meal plan etc.

So vacuuming, cleaning the loo, laundry from wash to dry to put away. Any adult can do all those things without being micromanaged(!!!) Watch out for feigned incompetence designed to force you back to doing it though!!

Tell them you identify as a man now, and stop doing all of it.
It'll be the best lesson they get this year.

Completely empathise with every aspect of your post

It’s not even the practical stuff. He does quite a lot round the house. It’s the thinking about things and planning. He isn’t really motivated to plan things and he isn’t proactive about organising, so it all falls on my shoulders. My youngest recently grew out of his wellies for example and had to wear a pair of ski boots out on our walks. He was freezing and wet through because he kept paddling in puddles. I waited a couple of weeks for it to dawn on my husband that we needed to buy another pair and eventually I asked him outright several times to order some but he didn’t get round to it. He never buys the kids anything they need, that’s completely down to me. He’s always asking me about dates of things, when’s this happening, did you book that etc. Today we were talking about a holiday we won’t be able to go on due to covid and he’s clueless about when it is and who it’s booked through, everything is on my accounts so I have to deal with all the changes etc. I am always the one who suggests doing things so it’s always up to me to research and book it and then have all the relevant documents etc.

Years ago we agreed he’d do all the washing and I’d do the cooking but that’s now morphed into me doing all the planning and food shopping and all the general procurement of anything anybody needs. He deals with the car (tax, insurance, servicing etc) and taking the dog to the vets. Technically we split cleaning but I seem to get lumbered with all the sorting and tidying and anything beyond a basic hoover or mop. All the life admin is down to me....

@MerryDecembermas

Delegate the stuff that doesn't require fiddling about with log ons or figuring out a meal plan etc.

So vacuuming, cleaning the loo, laundry from wash to dry to put away. Any adult can do all those things without being micromanaged(!!!) Watch out for feigned incompetence designed to force you back to doing it though!!

Haha, I love that feigned incompetence! I tried talking about how I was feeling earlier, (I was being fairly aggressive so I wasn’t really expecting much to sink in) and then an hour later he’s asking me if he’s using the last roll of parcel tape. The was literally a meter away from the drawer where we keep them and I was making pancakes- apparently it’s perfectly acceptable to ask a question like that and I’m a moody bitch for telling him I neither care nor know

vacuuming, cleaning the loo, laundry from wash to dry to put away.

The power of strategic incompetence means that you need to point out the need to:
do the stairs;
move some items to vacuum properly;
vacuum underneath some furniture;
use the tools to vacuum furniture and curtains;
empty the bag/canister and defluff the filter;
remember that the seat, the lid, the exterior of the loo, the tank, the flush, and the underside of the rim of a lavatory need to be cleaned along with the brush, not just the bit under water;
use the correct laundry program;
actually put the laundry to dry, not get to the drying area and dump it out in a pile and leave it to go mouldy;
put the dry clothes away and not leave it in piles everywhere (including on top of the vegetables)…

The strategic incompetence in some is so strong that it will probably lead to early-onset MCI in others.

I have released myself from such dumb questions as ‘Are there more binbags/where is xyz?’ by the simple use of’I don’t know’. It is LIBERATING! Homestly, OP, try it, be obdurate, never vary your answer. It’s amazing.

The cat was due at the vets the other day. I told DH he'd have to take her as I was doing an online gym class at that time. He looked completely shocked. He said he wouldn't know what to do. I said you sit in the car, you ring the number, they come out and take cat, you wait until cat is returned, pay hefty bill. Anyway, cat made remarkable recovery. Never seen anyone so pleased! Guess who had to ring and cancel the appointment...

Had a similar row with husband today. Feeling your rage and exhaustion.

@Cherrysoup I do that too! It works!

I hear you, especially about being the one that always books things/suggests things/researches things/has the online accounts/bookings, the list is endless. We recently moved and really brought it home. We have had major arguments about it in which I accused him of just being a passenger in life. Both work full time, 1 toddler, why is it all on me? I'm knackered with the mental plate spinning. Don't get me started on the fact that we don't have a proper joint account so I have to note down every but of expenditure that's put of the ordinary so he can pay half. Annoyed just typing this

@Chickenwing

This year after a big argument I handed over the responsibility for meal planning and food shopping to DP. I just said I'm no longer doing everything and you can do this one task. It has been amazing! One less thing for me to worry about and it shares some of the mental load. I recommend you split chores equally between you. Although he hasnt said it outright I think its made my partner appreciate that I was just expected to sort this for years. I also think he has realised that shopping is not as cheap as he thought it was!

I’ve done that too, as well as handing over all of the cooking. And it’s really helped. I’m still the one that orders shoes and clothes in the next size up and removes all the too-small clothes from drawers, does all the school admin, books swimming lessons, doctors and dentist, organises thank you letters and Christmas cards, sorts the cleaner, window cleaner, birthday party invites and presents (in non covid times) etc etc, but not having to think, at all, about what we’re eating and do the online food shop has made all that bearable. And honestly, DH is better at planning meals and buying the right things for them. I’ve found simply handing over a task and walking away from it completely is the only way for me- otherwise I simply end up organising him to do it.

Oh OP, I am so sorry. You sound really at the end of your tether and I don’t blame you in the slightest. It’s not fair for this to all be on your plate