Totally had enough now...why is everything my job?

[Schooldilemma2345]

My husband and I just had a huge row about wrapping up a vacuum cleaner to post that I sold on eBay. It sounds ridiculous but it feels like the whole argument epitomises everything I’m feeling! I’m totally fucked off with being the only person in a household of 5 who does any life admin. I’m juggling a hundred balls and nobody notices or cares. I feel totally and utterly overwhelmed and under appreciated and if I try to explain how I feel he just doesn’t get it. Lockdown certainly isn’t helping but it’s definitely not the route cause.
It’s like that philosophy teacher who fills a jar with stones and then asks his students if it’s full, “yes it’s full” they say. But then miraculously he manages to add smaller stones, then sand and then finally water til the bloody jar is at bursting point. My kids are the stones, the housework and the cooking and food shopping are the smaller stones, the sand is my work which I seem to be expected to complete in a spare 30 secs here or there whilst stirring pasta sauce or vaguely supervising an online lesson and bloody homeschool is the water that has somehow been shoehorned into the mix.
Nobody seems to care that I can’t bloody concentrate on anything. When I complain to my husband that I can’t think straight he just says “well I can’t do my work from home can I” but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t get much done if he was in my shoes either.
I’m sick of being gaslit about being constantly on my phone too, I’m not looking on social media or playing Tetris- I’m doing an online food order (so that if someone offers to cook to give me a ‘break’ I can say yes, we’re having sausages- they’re in the fridge, on the second shelf down, behind the yoghurts- yes, they’re definitely in there), or emailing a teacher or catching up on work emails or buying a pair of wellies in the next size up or something equally boring.
I don’t want to ask for help- I don’t want to delegate something on my to-do list and then spend the next half an hour explaining which pan to use or where the nail scissors might be hiding or what my Amazon password is or what number cartridge the fucking printer takes. I just want some of the shit to vaporise completely- I want it not to be my job in the first place. And if I hear one more time that I’m a control freak who won’t ‘let’ anyone ‘help’ I’m going to stab someone.
Sorry rant over!

@bluebluezoo

For "It's in the cupboard" "No it isnt",
I started a policy I saw on here called Mum's Finding Fee.

I tell the kids, ok I'll come and look for it, but if it's in the cupboard you owe me £1.
They've learned
Now when I say that, they go, "Er, I'll just have another quick look. Oh, found it!"

You may need to change the amount or nature of the fine for a DH...

OMFG OP I am JUST the same. Like a fucking puppet master. If I'm not up everyone's arses then nothing gets done. I work 40 hours a week in one job, 10 in another, and I'm trying to get some work published, as well as home schooling and arranging medical appointments and listening to my DH moan ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY about our teens leaving their pots on the side. I stopped him the other day and said give up. I am not a referee. I am trying to work. Shove the pots in your ear or up your arse I don't CARE.

For "It's in the cupboard" "No it isnt",
I started a policy I saw on here called Mum's Finding Fee

Oh I like this.

Does anyone else get the “but I didn’t do it/it’s not mine/sibling left it there” refusal when it comes to tidying up?

Even bloody dh- it’s the kids mess they should tidy it.

I’d like to add another job to the list. Why am I the only one to know all the passwords and logins for the kids’ online classes? We both get the emails and new Zoom codes each week (Brownies, Beavers etc), but come 5 mins before the session, I’m the one ensuring we have a suitable, charged device, that we are logged in on time and have the right paper/yoghurt pot/lolly sticks available for whatever the project might be that week. If I ask DH to get a kid logged on cos I’m busy, it’s all, err, what’s the code, when does it start, what do they need?

You can change this OP in small steps. My 2 DC ages 11 and 15 can do loads around the house now. They both cook and clean their own rooms and hoover, feed the dog. I refuse to iron in lockdown and they get handed the clothes to put away. When it is warmer I make then do an hours gardening at the weekend. No one is allowed to leave the kitchen till it's all cleaned up.

Lockdown is really overwhelming with loads more mess and more mental load on the mum. You need to take some breaks, just you. Go out on your own and get a coffee and have a walk.

I don’t know how any of you put up with this “learned helplessness” and outright shirking of chores by your partners - I think I’d have murdered the useless bastards!
It really doesn’t have to be like that. My lovely late DH did more of the chores than I did.
When I was working 80 to 100 hours a week as a junior doctor, he drove to the hospital every night I was on call and cooked my dinner in the doctors’ residence kitchen. He taught me loads of great Indian, Chinese and Indonesian recipes. He did the supermarket run, cleaned the loo, did all the driving until I passed my test and the bulk of it even afterwards, mowed the lawn, did the washing, etc.
When DD was born he took 2 weeks off work (no paternity leave back then in the 1980’s) and changed every single nappy, as he couldn’t do the feeding. I had to beg to have a go to practise the technique before he returned to work!
He died before our second child’s first birthday, and my life since then has been much like yours, OP - I had to do absolutely everything, as well as work as a full time hospital doctor. It was exhausting - and there is no reason why you should suffer that when you have a partner who should be pulling half the load.
Don’t enable their uselessness. Tell them they pull their weight or you leave. Mean it. Hand over responsibility for a set of chores, then stop caring whether those get done badly or not at all. Get your life back.

I feel your pain OP. DH and I always shared ‘life admin’ and housework before DS came along but now because I’m at home all day and he goes to work he expected I should just take over. And I did for a while but then, when I found myself crying because my newborn was screaming and I hadn’t emptied the dishwasher yet and the laptop wouldn’t load to let me sort the car insurance renewal I thought enough. So I just stopped doing it. Took a while for him to notice tbh and even then only when his Tupperware for his lunch was still sitting on the side from the day before and hadn’t been put into the dishwasher! Then he was like ‘is everything getting on top of you’. I hit the roof and told him that I expected him to do his fair share and that just because I was home didn’t mean I was lounging around watching CBeebies and drinking coffee all day. Also told him that if I wasn’t at home looking after his child then we would need to find ridiculous amounts of money for childcare every month and so he better start appreciating my role within our home. He seemed flabbergasted and admitted he hadn’t thought of it that way before and just assumed I was on top of things. I also told him that on a Sunday I’d be going out in the mornings for some time to myself while he watched DS and after his first time alone with DS he definitely had a new appreciation for how much work it is (and that was just one morning!) I’m not saying you should abandon your responsibilities but you could try a brief break from them and let your husband see just how much you actually do. This seems passive aggressive though (of which I admit I’m guilty) or you could try telling him that it’s just not on and point out how things would grind to a halt in his life if you weren’t there and that he should take some of the responsibility too as it’s only fair.
Best of luck to you OP

@evenBetter

Why do so many women pick and tolerate and service such shit males? And badly raised, non-functioning offspring? Why such low standards? Honestly blows my mind, the level of disrespect and contempt yous tolerate for decades, often an entire life, wasted.

Yup. But it keeps happening, generation after generation.

I then picked tasks that I enjoyed and played to my strengths and DH the same. We then split the tasks we hated until our scores were 50/50. We did not share tasks, because I felt the temptation to leave it for the other mug to do it would be too great.

We’ve done this since we started living together in the early 1980s.
Works well for us, even with added children.

Oh @Babdoc how absolutely awful to lose him. I'm so sorry. He sounds like he was a lovely man. What an enormous loss.

OP,
Your annoyance is completely understandable but it will NEVER change until you do.

Learning to say "I don't know" to any and every question that doesn't suit is great.
It forces those around you to use their brain and not wear yours out.

You need to be more assertive.
Your husband's learned helplessness is deliberate and strategic and by stepping in and picking up the pieces you have facilitated this.

You can change it.

Send him your tesco app and tell him as of right now he is in charge of feeding the family.
Tell him his selfishness and disrespect of all that you do is why you are doing this.

If the children come near you and ask for something say "ask Dad" on a loop.

You have to be prepared to help yourself.

Your husband is selfish.

You can seethe or you can deal with it.
Stop doing his share.
Give him the laundry to do and leave him to it.

Assert yourself.

This is why I'm not married OP, I've had three marriages/long term relationships and this happens every single time.
I end up doing everything while they wonder why I've become so crabby.
My life is very relaxed and uncomplicated now and if I want company I have men friends I can go out with.
Life is too short for this shit and you end up resenting all those lost wasted years where you didn't get to do what you wanted.

I've had three marriages/long term relationships and this happens every single time.

Maybe the reason for that is closer than you think.

What killed my last marriage was the day I said he'd have to take over the cooking because he'd lost his job and was at home all day and I'd taken on extra shifts to cover the bills.
Got home and he'd cooked a full meal for himself and eaten it and had not thought to make any extra for me.
That was the end of that marriage.

Yup.
But it keeps happening, generation after generation

I don’t get it at all.

My mum was a typical 60’s housewife, did pretty much everything for us.

Yet somehow when I went to uni I learned pretty rapidly how to cook, clean, and take care of myself.

There is no reason men can’t learn the same. I try to explain to dh no one has ever taught me this shit, i haven’t had special training, i don’t have lists or “know” what needs doing, i just do it as I go along. Wipe the surfaces after I’ve used them, see a full laundry bag so put it on a wash. Notice that the dishwasher spray arms are at the bottom so if you just pile shit in randomly it won’t get clean.

In some cases I think mat leave starts it off- they’re out at work, you start picking more bits up as you go along, or think you have to to compensate for income loss. I work shifts so definitely notice this- dh goes out to work, comes home, gym, dinner, that’s his day done, an hour watching tv and bed.

I do wonder also if it’s because when one partner does stuff as they go the other doesn’t notice quite how much they do. I have a friend who actually told me her house stays pretty clean by itself, it didn’t take that much to keep on top of everything. Turns out her husband was doing it all, picking up the washing as he went past, unloading the dishwasher as he made coffee, hoovering when something was dropped etc. Because it was lots of very small jobs, the collective time spent wasn’t noticed.

I honestly don’t think dh realises how much time it takes to keep on top of everything. Any why I get so stressed when I go to use the kitchen and have to clean it up first every single time before I can use it.

@bluebluezoo

*Yup. But it keeps happening, generation after generation*

I don’t get it at all.

My mum was a typical 60’s housewife, did pretty much everything for us.

Yet somehow when I went to uni I learned pretty rapidly how to cook, clean, and take care of myself.

There is no reason men can’t learn the same. I try to explain to dh no one has ever taught me this shit, i haven’t had special training, i don’t have lists or “know” what needs doing, i just do it as I go along. Wipe the surfaces after I’ve used them, see a full laundry bag so put it on a wash. Notice that the dishwasher spray arms are at the bottom so if you just pile shit in randomly it won’t get clean.

In some cases I think mat leave starts it off- they’re out at work, you start picking more bits up as you go along, or think you have to to compensate for income loss. I work shifts so definitely notice this- dh goes out to work, comes home, gym, dinner, that’s his day done, an hour watching tv and bed.

I do wonder also if it’s because when one partner does stuff as they go the other doesn’t notice quite how much they do. I have a friend who actually told me her house stays pretty clean by itself, it didn’t take that much to keep on top of everything. Turns out her husband was doing it all, picking up the washing as he went past, unloading the dishwasher as he made coffee, hoovering when something was dropped etc. Because it was lots of very small jobs, the collective time spent wasn’t noticed.

I honestly don’t think dh realises how much time it takes to keep on top of everything. Any why I get so stressed when I go to use the kitchen and have to clean it up first every single time before I can use it.

Very true. Mat leave definitely seems to be a very convenient time for some men. When women resist this it makes life long term much easier.

@bluebluezoo you are making a massive mistake if you think he doesn't know, of course he knows whats involved with cleaning the kitchen, but he doesn't give a shit and clearly you have accepted the role of house skivvy now, so he's leaving you to it.

Do you do all the cooking too?

Stop doing the cooking and his laundry.
Stop making his life so easy and yours so stressed.

This will only get worse as your self respect dissolves as you become an angry skivvy.

It comes down to self regard.
The women who have partners that do their share are the ones who simply wouldn't tolerate it otherwise.

It really IS that simple.

People will give you as much shit as you will take.

@Cherrysoup

I have released myself from such dumb questions as ‘Are there more binbags/where is xyz?’ by the simple use of’I don’t know’. It is LIBERATING! Homestly, OP, try it, be obdurate, never vary your answer. It’s amazing.

Me too! Agree it’s totally liberating. I’ve found it’s become my default

Why do you all put up with it?

Surely it's not that difficult? Don't settle for someone who doesn't pull their weight? Don't keep doing everything for them? Leave their washing, cook for you & the kids. If they ask how to do something shrug your shoulders. They won't starve & they'll soon learn to actually do shit for themselves.

Not that it should even get to that point as why you'd choose to stay in a relationship with someone so utterly useless is beyond me.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky sorry to interject but I don't think you can compare women who suffer abuse/rape at the hands of men with women who wilfully stay in relationships with men who are useless, lazy & don't know their way around a house.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

What killed my last marriage was the day I said he'd have to take over the cooking because he'd lost his job and was at home all day and I'd taken on extra shifts to cover the bills. Got home and he'd cooked a full meal for himself and eaten it and had not thought to make any extra for me. That was the end of that marriage.

OMG, his Impulse his default setting is that you don't even exist 😳 or perhaps that you are a service robot and therefore don't need food 🤔...😳

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

What killed my last marriage was the day I said he'd have to take over the cooking because he'd lost his job and was at home all day and I'd taken on extra shifts to cover the bills. Got home and he'd cooked a full meal for himself and eaten it and had not thought to make any extra for me. That was the end of that marriage.

How wonderful to have had such a clarity inducing moment.👍

I am pretty assertive but I haven't been able to solve this problem fully (only partially and after a great deal of thought and effort).

But why is it women's problem to solve in the first place. Put the blame back where it belongs - with the lazy oblivious partners.

Society can take some blame too.

@GobbieMaggie

Wouldn’t work with my DP. He works 12 hour days and doesn’t get home until 8pm and then he’s on his laptop. I have to remind him to eat. We do have a nanny but it’s still like plate spinning in an earthquake.

So do I. I still bloody well have to pull my weight with home life. As would you if this were you. There are so many excuses just handed out to men every day.

@Phineyj

I am pretty assertive but I haven't been able to solve this problem fully (only partially and after a great deal of thought and effort).

But why is it women's problem to solve in the first place. Put the blame back where it belongs - with the lazy oblivious partners.

Society can take some blame too.

Likewise.

And to some extent, it would be helpful if other women would:
stop telling you the solution is easy (variations on LTB, or leave them to it) without taking any other context into account;
stop asking if the person involved is depressed as if you've never thought about that;
stop suggesting ways in which you can lower your standards because you're being unreasonable (without stopping to consider whether or not you've already heavily edited the account of just how unhelpful and inactive someone is being).

It would be very helpful if we could all stop considering each other to be unreliable narrators of our own experience.

I'm delighted for the women/partner for whom leaving a partner to cope with their own food/laundry was a magical moment that shocked them into adulthood. It would be good to have some sense as to whether that's an effective tactic for the majority or a relative minority.

@Babdoc your husband sounds amazing. I’m sorry you lost him so early