Totally had enough now...why is everything my job?

[Schooldilemma2345]

My husband and I just had a huge row about wrapping up a vacuum cleaner to post that I sold on eBay. It sounds ridiculous but it feels like the whole argument epitomises everything I’m feeling! I’m totally fucked off with being the only person in a household of 5 who does any life admin. I’m juggling a hundred balls and nobody notices or cares. I feel totally and utterly overwhelmed and under appreciated and if I try to explain how I feel he just doesn’t get it. Lockdown certainly isn’t helping but it’s definitely not the route cause.
It’s like that philosophy teacher who fills a jar with stones and then asks his students if it’s full, “yes it’s full” they say. But then miraculously he manages to add smaller stones, then sand and then finally water til the bloody jar is at bursting point. My kids are the stones, the housework and the cooking and food shopping are the smaller stones, the sand is my work which I seem to be expected to complete in a spare 30 secs here or there whilst stirring pasta sauce or vaguely supervising an online lesson and bloody homeschool is the water that has somehow been shoehorned into the mix.
Nobody seems to care that I can’t bloody concentrate on anything. When I complain to my husband that I can’t think straight he just says “well I can’t do my work from home can I” but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t get much done if he was in my shoes either.
I’m sick of being gaslit about being constantly on my phone too, I’m not looking on social media or playing Tetris- I’m doing an online food order (so that if someone offers to cook to give me a ‘break’ I can say yes, we’re having sausages- they’re in the fridge, on the second shelf down, behind the yoghurts- yes, they’re definitely in there), or emailing a teacher or catching up on work emails or buying a pair of wellies in the next size up or something equally boring.
I don’t want to ask for help- I don’t want to delegate something on my to-do list and then spend the next half an hour explaining which pan to use or where the nail scissors might be hiding or what my Amazon password is or what number cartridge the fucking printer takes. I just want some of the shit to vaporise completely- I want it not to be my job in the first place. And if I hear one more time that I’m a control freak who won’t ‘let’ anyone ‘help’ I’m going to stab someone.
Sorry rant over!

I could have written this. I’m so fed up of it, I’m also 7 weeks pregnant and feeling so sick and tired all the time. Got out of bed yesterday feeling dreadful and immediately found myself trying to sort laundry, pick up random crap that’s been left everywhere, and make breakfast for DD and just completely lost it at DH for never doing his fair share.
I told me I’m unreasonable as he does so much . Anyway he went for a walk after that with his friend (whose wife has just left him for similar reasons from what I can gather) and perhaps he talked him around as he came back very apologetic, with cake, and has cleaned the house this morning. Let’s see how long the contrition lasts!

He’s always asking me about dates of things, when’s this happening, did you book that etc

Drives me fucking mad but you have to resist. "What does it say in the calendar?"

Also agree with PPs that you have to hand over tasks in their entirety, including the planning, otherwise you end up as the unpaid PA while your DH convinces himself that he has 'done' the task himself.

Make a list of everything that needs to be done and then sit down and assign responsibility.

It's only your job if you take responsibility for it. If you get one of those magnetic things on the fridge you can write all the jobs that need doing and ask him to put his name to half.
Stop enabling this lazy creature and start not doing things.

You have to be assertive.
There is no point in handing over the cooking if you have to do the shopping and menus, and keeps coming and asking you do we have this and that.

If it isn't possible for this to work during the week, hand over Friday to Sunday.

@Spillanelle....I mean this kindly, but why are you having another child with someone so selfish that he would walk out to meet a friend and leave you with everything to do.

My son would have been an only child because I would not have another child with a man who was so selfish.

His friend has had a word with him, but you, pregnant and upset resulted in him walking out the door and leaving you to it.

Read your post.

Have a look at yourself.
Why are you allowing yourself to be treated so badly by him?
Where is your self respect?
And why are you having another child with a man who thinks so little of you.

His friends wife has the right idea.
Easier to be alone that living with a selfish waster.
And wiser to not continue having children with them.

Please mind yourself.
Two small children with a selfish waster is very hard.

You deserve so much better.

It's only your job if you take responsibility for it. If you get one of those magnetic things on the fridge you can write all the jobs that need doing and ask him to put his name to half

Why do I have to think of all the jobs and write them all down though?

Why can’t he do what I do and use his eyes and brain- see the kitchen floor is a state after dinner and give it a quick sweep after loading the dishwasher.

Most household jobs aren’t write on a whiteboard stuff. It’s seeing a load of crockery on the side and putting it in the dishwasher. Or hearing the washing machine beep and thinking to hang it out. Seeing the dog has no water and refilling the dish.

What do you do then if you hand something over and it doesn't get done? Would you really e.g. let a child continue to wear shoes that were too small? Or have to make a separate bed for yourself with clean sheets and what, lock the door?

A lot of the advice assumes the other person will crack eventually. More likely the more responsible one will!

Why do I have to think of all the jobs and write them all down though

Agree that the OP shouldn't have to do that on an ongoing basis but, as a one-off, it can be helpful. A lot of men choose to ignore 80% of the work that their wives do. A dirty floor is fairly obvious, an hour doing an online supermarket shop or booking dentist appointments is not. Seeing it written down can help puncture the denial, and can also help with agreeing who does what. You divvy up the tasks and then you leave them to it.

I haven’t read all the replies so someone may have linked to this already. It really helped me to clarify why I was annoyed and explain to DH. We also now put everything on our shared phone calendars and he knows not to ask me a question (such as “do the kids need packed lunches tomorrow?”) before checking our diary. I am still the main organiser, but he’s better at figuring stuff out himself, and writing it in the calendar helps with not getting asked questions. www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

I’ve had several tantrums about this with dh throughout each lockdown. He is getting better, but whenever he does anything he still drags me into it by either asking me a million questions or having me bring him various bits and bobs. I find it absolutely infuriating that he is a well-respected professional yet can’t cook a fucking meal without assistance.

@Munkeenut I’ve only just got back to this thread. I can see I did a spreadsheet for everyday of the week and then another for weekly, monthly, annually:

So this is my list for Tuesday’s in 2018 when we both worked FT and we had two infant school children and a toddler at childminder, and also here is the annual list. I found the annual stuff gets quite forgotten about but actually was really quite hard work to do on my own. We split this between us.

DH would do a lot of it Monday evening. I would have more time in the evening because I never rested all day running about on school runs etc and working. Plus DH had 2 hours + of commuting when he could catch up on his TV soaps.

Hope this helps you or anyone else keen to have a look at what our life was like 3 years ago.

Daily
Breakfasts
supervise breakfast
Breakfast Washing-up
Put Dry Kitchen/Dining Items in cupboards (not on work surface)
Children's lunch
Children's snacks
Childrens bags ready
Childrens bags in the car
Get Child A Dressed
Get Child B Dressed
Get Child C Dressed
Take youngest to childminder
Take Children to School
Put first laundry load on and hang it out to dry
Put Dry Laundry away
Put second laundry load on and hang it out to dry
Pick youngest up from childminder
Pick children up from school
Put recycling in the garage
Take Child C to ballet
Make Childrens tea
supervise tea
wash-up snack pots/water bottles and any other used items
Do some homework with the children
Get child A ready for bed
Get child B ready for bed
Get child C ready for bed
Read Child C a story
Read Child B & A a story
Wash up after tea
Tidy the lounge
Organise clothes for ironing
Iron Clothes

Annual
Service the Car
Service the lawnmower
MOT Car
Clean out the Fridge (I think the is gets done more often now!)
Easter Eggs
Summer holiday activities
Holiday planning
Halloween / Trick or Treating
Change Energy Supplier
Electoral Roll
Car Insurance
House Insurance
Presents for teachers Summer
Presents for teachers Christmas
Christmas present sourcing
Christmas present wrapping
Christmas decorations
Family Christmas Activity
Children in need
Sports day
Christmas production costumes
Christmas food shop
Christmas cards
Christmas dinner
Child A Birthday Present
Child A birthday Cake
Child A Birthday Activity
Child B Birthday Present
Child B birthday Cake
Child B Birthday Activity
Child C Birthday Present
Child C birthday Cake
Child C Birthday Activity
Wife Birthday Present
Wife Birthday Cake
Wife Birthday Activity
New School Uniform Autumn
New School Uniform Spring
New School Shoes Autumn
New School Shoes Spring
New Childrens clothes Spring
New Childrens clothes autumn
New Childrens shoes Spring
New Childrens shoes Autumn
Husband Birthday Present
Husband Birthday Cake
Husband Birthday Activity

Just get divorced. Honestly. It's blooming marvellous.

Getting divorced is only blooming marvellous if you can’t solve the problem in your marriage.

Sorting the problem with my DH and having a new found respect for him, and I must say a much improved love life has actually been bloody marvellous.

I acknowledge if your partner isn’t willing to change you have little choice but to divorce, but for those partners willing to chip in and get back to happy marriage, sorting out the division of family responsibilities is truly worth a go.

I’ve had this today. Been sorting out the children’s rooms and trying to get them to also help (5&7). It’s a never ending job. Husband said he would
sort out the diningroom (to be fair to him he has had a go at the kitchen today and popper to the shop for a few things) but I’ve just come downstairs to find him feet up eating chocolate
Biscuits. His problem is that he watches the tv while tidying which means a half arsed job

@Cherrysoup

I have released myself from such dumb questions as ‘Are there more binbags/where is xyz?’ by the simple use of’I don’t know’. It is LIBERATING! Homestly, OP, try it, be obdurate, never vary your answer. It’s amazing.

I do that with a more sarcastic 'use your own eyes'.

Here is my advice for what it is worth, based on what has got me from where you are right now to a much happier place.

Don't give DH a list of jobs to do. He will get defensive because he thinks you are saying he is lazy. Plus, even if you give him a list, you are still taking responsibility for planning what needs to be done and it is this mental load which is exhausting.

Instead, work out the non-critical jobs and just stop doing them. I started with washing up. I just stopped doing it. DH would comment on the state of the kitchen and I would just say agree with him that it was a mess. He very quickly started doing it.

I still do the washing but I put clean clothes into baskets for each person and they have to out them in their drawers. I don't supervise this. If the kids have messy drawers, it is up to them.

I no longer vacuum or mop the floors. It has become DH's job.

It is like boiling a frog. If you throw it in the hot water it will hop straight out. Put it in a cold pot and heat the water slowly so the frog doesn't notice until it is too late.

I know this strategy sounds patronising but I think that often as women we feel pressure to be perfect so we create an environment where we take responsibility for more than our fair share at home. If you are in an unequal relationship, only the party being exploited will ever change the dynamic.

I know people will criticise me for not just telling him like it is but I tried that. This worked much better.

I think a huge part of the problem is the fact that some women are conditioned to have the lowest expectations of men.

Their ability to do so much.
Their ability to manage the house.
Their ability to manage babies.

It's really not that difficult.
It involves juggling and it can be dull and tedious and a PITA.

Men know this, so they quickly adopt a position of incompetence.

Women over the years have loved the brief, vacuous feeling of superiority, not realising they were sold a pup.

Men can do everything women do, and do it well.

Maternity leave can be such a disaster for women both career, financially and relationship wise.

They are the huge losers, that are left with a baby to rear when the penny drops.

Unfortunately a lot of women do not join the dots until they are bang in the middle of maternity leave and suddenly they see clearly the absolute waster they have had a child with.

Unfortunately so many of them then go into a DARVO argument with themselves which is how they end up with a 3 or 4 child situation where they FINALLY see exactly the relationship they are in.

This really can be a long process for women.

DH would comment on the state of the kitchen and I would just say agree with him that it was a mess. He very quickly started doing it
nicely nicely!

Cracker's advice is good and works.

I feel your pain. I am feeling the same way.

I agree with cracker. Especially on the things we need to organise front dh would say something about them and I would add it to my mental list and start organising it. Now I am much better at just agreeing. Yes it needs to be done by Friday doesn’t it. Mmhmm.

So this is what We did…

@Fucket, I really like your approach of scoring tasks and dividing them up that way; I'll try it with my DH this weekend.

We've divided things up somewhat, but I'm so exhausted doing dishes and laundry in my work "breaks," making all the family meals… My job is mentally taxing, the extra mental load of being the main admin person and go-to homework helper is wearing me down.

Truly the hardest part of all, I had to learn to accept that DH may not do things how I wanted them done.

Absolutely expect that this is going to be the hardest part of all! (And totally agree with you on the laundry… )

Crackerofdoom

I agree.
We split jobs- OH empties the kitchen bin.
If he "forgets" to do that ( rare admittedly) and it is full I just keep putting stuff in until it starts to overflow.
I don't say anything.
In fact OH will think it is quite funny if he sees me putting something on the top of an overflowing bin, the item landing on the floor and me simply walking away in silence.
It's all good humoured.
If he leaves dirty socks on the living room floor I stuff them in his work bag. It's not the first time he has visited a client and dirty underpants have fallen out of his laptop bag into a clients' desk.

I got to the point when DH kept leaving his shoes out ( often just outside the understates cupboard) is just open the front door and throw them in the garden.
I use ‘ I don’t know’ a lot to the endless where is my..’ , ‘ how do I?’ Questions.
It was very frustrating when the kids were small. He is better now but it’s taken years to get there and sadly the frustration lingers