Totally had enough now...why is everything my job?

[Schooldilemma2345]

My husband and I just had a huge row about wrapping up a vacuum cleaner to post that I sold on eBay. It sounds ridiculous but it feels like the whole argument epitomises everything I’m feeling! I’m totally fucked off with being the only person in a household of 5 who does any life admin. I’m juggling a hundred balls and nobody notices or cares. I feel totally and utterly overwhelmed and under appreciated and if I try to explain how I feel he just doesn’t get it. Lockdown certainly isn’t helping but it’s definitely not the route cause.
It’s like that philosophy teacher who fills a jar with stones and then asks his students if it’s full, “yes it’s full” they say. But then miraculously he manages to add smaller stones, then sand and then finally water til the bloody jar is at bursting point. My kids are the stones, the housework and the cooking and food shopping are the smaller stones, the sand is my work which I seem to be expected to complete in a spare 30 secs here or there whilst stirring pasta sauce or vaguely supervising an online lesson and bloody homeschool is the water that has somehow been shoehorned into the mix.
Nobody seems to care that I can’t bloody concentrate on anything. When I complain to my husband that I can’t think straight he just says “well I can’t do my work from home can I” but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t get much done if he was in my shoes either.
I’m sick of being gaslit about being constantly on my phone too, I’m not looking on social media or playing Tetris- I’m doing an online food order (so that if someone offers to cook to give me a ‘break’ I can say yes, we’re having sausages- they’re in the fridge, on the second shelf down, behind the yoghurts- yes, they’re definitely in there), or emailing a teacher or catching up on work emails or buying a pair of wellies in the next size up or something equally boring.
I don’t want to ask for help- I don’t want to delegate something on my to-do list and then spend the next half an hour explaining which pan to use or where the nail scissors might be hiding or what my Amazon password is or what number cartridge the fucking printer takes. I just want some of the shit to vaporise completely- I want it not to be my job in the first place. And if I hear one more time that I’m a control freak who won’t ‘let’ anyone ‘help’ I’m going to stab someone.
Sorry rant over!

Hi OP. I posted a thread a bit similar today so your post resonated with me a lot. I too get stick for being on my phone when I’m actually doing admin , e mails etc . And I really get what you mean that asking someone to complete the most simplistic task often results in answering 500 questions about how to complete it. It’s often easier just to do it myself. .

That’s me OP. Please can we be friends?

I’m at a complete mental breakdown point.

I feel the same. DP doesn’t have a bloody clue. He puts the kids to bed two nights a week whilst I’m at work. I usually come home to find them asleep in things that could be pyjamas, not things that actually are. I have all the “plans” in my head, ie when to change the sheets, what wash programme to use, doing the dishwasher, doing the cooking. I don’t work during the day usually, only evenings but the homeschooling, the nursery runs, the school runs when they’re open, washing the uniform, making sure no one runs out of clean pants etc. It’s ALL on me and I’m exhausted. I don’t want to delegate, I want someone to take over a whole section without me having to explain it all. I’m on the verge of some sort of breakdown and I’m not sure how we will cope when I do!

Empathy to you all!

Glad to know I am not alone

As someone else said 'pouring from an empty jug'

I won’t tolerate people who expect you to do their thinking for them! Either at home or in the work place
I find a polite ‘no idea’ works well - sometimes ‘where you left it’ or ‘go figure’ is more appropriate
My team at work are getting used to - ‘I’ll leave it up to you to do some research’ - ‘why don’t you try and figure something out’ or to the worst offender ‘I’m not paid to do your thinking or your job for you’
It’s stressful at first but if you own it and mean it people will get there in the end

They don't realise all you do.
I'm in hospital and dp is at home and he's said he didn't realize all the cooking,cleaning that has to be done.

I dont get how men dont notice things, I really dont get it.
Actually I do.
They notice what they want.

I completely get it OP. We’ve got a baby and 2 other children and I’m SO SICK of the “playing at being dad for 20 minutes in full knowledge that ultimately everything is my problem if she doesn’t settle etc” and the inability to work out if she needs a feed or a change. Every second of my non-baby time has to be basically applied for in advance whereas it feels like his time is his own . And yes he is working (after a fashion - his job is literally what would be a dream job for many people) while I’m on mat leave but he usuallly sets his own hours so it’s not a 9-5 thing and in any event I’m still bringing in more money through my maternity pay than he does through work and yet I feel like I have to be a skivvy for everyone.

I’ve stopped caring about / doing a lot of things especially stuff involving his family. So his parents don’t get a Christmas present? Fine by me - he didn’t get to delegate all that stuff by marrying me.

God I can relate to what you've put so much. DH will do things if I ask him to but my point is always that I shouldn't have to ask, as it's still me then having to bear the 'mental load', as an adult I can't understand why he doesnt notice that the laundry basket is full so put some washing in etc.,without me having to tell him to.

Same with the suggesting/organising holidays etc., I sometimes think I'll just leave it and see whether he sorts anything but then I think we'll end up missing out and have no holiday so I cave in and do it. Sorry to hijack and moan too, have no advice but I'll definitely be taking some poster's suggestions on board myself.

I really sympathise OP and it's hard when you and your family have different priorities. DH can't bear a full washing basket so he does all the laundry, this might sound great but he doesn't have any imagination or skills in the kitchen so despite the mental load of planning and cooking I do it all (as a compromise) so that we eat tasty and varied food rather than a meat and carb in tomato based sauce. The children have different priorities again and so everyone has to let something go to live together in a less stressful environment. It's really tough but there is good advice on this thread. Put your energy into the most important priorities for you

OP, a lot of what you describe is my job too, but I don't resent it because DH does all the food shopping, meal planning, 90% of the cooking and 90% of the DIY. And if I do find my list overwhelming and ask him (nicely) to do something he generally does it fairly efficiently - if not first time around, then after a bit of practice. Asking nicely is the key - if I rant it's less likely to get done - I learnt that the hard way.

I'm trying to train my two teenage boys, but it's taking time - they'll empty the dishwasher, and both enjoy cooking, which is a start. I've shown them how to clean the loo and iron their clothes. The other day my 16yo was making a valentine card for his gf and I suggested he put a photo of his room on the front with the message "I love you so much, you can pick my clothes up off the floor" and, to his credit, he took the hint.

I had one of these. I realised the questions were just laziness. Such as have you seen my car keys? Etc I echo what others have said. With a no answer or I don't know. Then sit on your hands and don't help.

My 17 year old has just asked for help making her bed as she “got it wrong” last time- she put a single duvet cover on a double duvet.

I refused as I also have had enough of all that shit. So dh helped.

The two of them have somehow managed to ignore her double duvet on the side, find a spare single duvet in the spare room, and put it in a double duvet cover.

I’m an arsehole for pointing it out, apparently. After she argued that I was wrong as this time she’s made sure it was a double duvet cover, not a single.

I’m fucking fuming. How can people be so fucking idiotic. It’s not rocket science. Yet somehow it’s still all my problem and I ‘m being horrible..

I hear you OP, sympathies from me. Mental load is a thing.

I sent this article to my husband when he insisted he would be happy to do whatever tasks I felt needed doing, and I nearly popped a blood vessel - he didn’t seem to realise that being the one who has to remember what needs doing is work in itself: www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/science-practice/201908/tired-doing-the-invisible-work-in-your-family

@bluebluezoo i would be mad as hell at that - do they think you have special magic eyes that can see things that they can’t?!

This stuff only changes when you down tools. I understand when you say you don't want to have to spend 30 mins explaining something, so don't. Stop doing too much and don't restart. We'd been in our new house about three years when DH asked me how the washing machine worked. One Christmas I just didn't charge around cleaning and making beds for his family who sat being waited on hand and foot. He did it all himself and it dawned on him why I got so stressed, because it's physical lugging mattresses down stairs and steam cleaning carpets etc etc.

Prioritise your own mental health until you feel less stress and then prioritise your work and childcare equally. Stop doing the cooking and shopping and housework. Explain he has to do his share and then let him do it his way, don't manage him.

Just stop.

Say "no", or "I don't know" or "probably where you left it" and just don't help them
look or do things.

Every time you get up and help them, you're giving them a reason not to do it themselves the first time round.

I left mine 😂 well, he left.. because he didn't drive, (never neded to apparently, promised again and again but never did, even when I told him it was nearly over because I had to do it all) so couldn't live here (rural) and manage the kids on the few days a week he has them. I did everything, he did the glory jobs, the fancy cooking, the DIY... because he enjoyed it.
Funnily enough his house is tidy, clothes are clean, food is bought and cooked...he doesn't get the kids to brush their teeth or bathe while they are there and he still needs to be told how to do stuff, I still do all the admin for the kids and tell him to do his bits, but life is peaceful...it's a mess sometimes but it's my mess, I learnt how to do the DIY, I've redecorated two rooms, laid flooring, sorted all the stuff he did, like putting out the bins...it's manic but I love it.
Mine just didn't listen. He made promises that never happened. I thought he'd change, he didn't. I told him I was on the edge, I cried, I told him I was on antidepressants...made no difference. I fell out of love, I was resentful all the time,he turned me into a nag, I hated who I was with him. He's a good man and we still get on, but I just got the ick after 18 years because who wants to shag a man child..?
I'm skint, I worry about how I'll cope, but a year on, life is good. I have a bf, he's not a man hold, he takes charge, he does things for me, I'm slowly training myself out of trying to look after him, I'm doing things for just me, it's brilliant.

We have this conversation frequently, thing is with every time my dh does more. He tries and it is had wired into men his age. I was at home for about 8 years too albeit most of that wfh or part time work.

The crux of the matter is, is he listening to you ?

I have to say that anyone visiting this house would think that my DH died a hell of a lot more than me. He certainly cooks and cleans a hell of a lot more. However, this is because he doesn’t do all the communications and organising stuff - the stuff that takes up all your headspace. So I figure it all out (home school included) but do expect food to be cooked, served and cleaned away. I will anticipate everyone’s needs down to the finest detail (what book will you read when you finish this one? Are you trainers getting too small? Do we need to get the roof guy back - I have his number here) but I’m not doing that as well as feeding the troops daily. There are limits!

My DH actually thinks l have got a hearing problem cos l never hear him when he wants me to just do this or just do that - jobs he is far too important to do.
Selective hearing l.think they call it!

I had a 6 week recovery time after an op, where I wasn't allowed to weight bear at all, about 4 years ago.

Things changed significantly after that! DH wasn't able to claim he couldn't do stuff.

But mainly you get there by not caring too much, letting them make mistakes and live with any consequences, and whenever I'm asked what's in the fridge, or do we have any..., I shrug and say I don't know, maybe you should look.

We meal plan together, and everyone has a night to cook (I work for myself, currently part time, so I do more).

Your eldest could cook, my daughter was just starting to cook pasta and heat a jar of sauce at that age. I did have to sit in the next room, but she quickly decided she didn't need me there because she wanted to facetime while she cooked!

It's really hard, because obviously there's no benefit to them to change! But keep a hard line and don't pick up all the pieces and it will slowly get better.

You have my sympathies OP, the "mental load" is exhausting. There's always something to buy, do and remember. Lockdown seems to have made it worse. I will be following this thread with interest with advice!