Totally had enough now...why is everything my job?

[Schooldilemma2345]

My husband and I just had a huge row about wrapping up a vacuum cleaner to post that I sold on eBay. It sounds ridiculous but it feels like the whole argument epitomises everything I’m feeling! I’m totally fucked off with being the only person in a household of 5 who does any life admin. I’m juggling a hundred balls and nobody notices or cares. I feel totally and utterly overwhelmed and under appreciated and if I try to explain how I feel he just doesn’t get it. Lockdown certainly isn’t helping but it’s definitely not the route cause.
It’s like that philosophy teacher who fills a jar with stones and then asks his students if it’s full, “yes it’s full” they say. But then miraculously he manages to add smaller stones, then sand and then finally water til the bloody jar is at bursting point. My kids are the stones, the housework and the cooking and food shopping are the smaller stones, the sand is my work which I seem to be expected to complete in a spare 30 secs here or there whilst stirring pasta sauce or vaguely supervising an online lesson and bloody homeschool is the water that has somehow been shoehorned into the mix.
Nobody seems to care that I can’t bloody concentrate on anything. When I complain to my husband that I can’t think straight he just says “well I can’t do my work from home can I” but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t get much done if he was in my shoes either.
I’m sick of being gaslit about being constantly on my phone too, I’m not looking on social media or playing Tetris- I’m doing an online food order (so that if someone offers to cook to give me a ‘break’ I can say yes, we’re having sausages- they’re in the fridge, on the second shelf down, behind the yoghurts- yes, they’re definitely in there), or emailing a teacher or catching up on work emails or buying a pair of wellies in the next size up or something equally boring.
I don’t want to ask for help- I don’t want to delegate something on my to-do list and then spend the next half an hour explaining which pan to use or where the nail scissors might be hiding or what my Amazon password is or what number cartridge the fucking printer takes. I just want some of the shit to vaporise completely- I want it not to be my job in the first place. And if I hear one more time that I’m a control freak who won’t ‘let’ anyone ‘help’ I’m going to stab someone.
Sorry rant over!

You need the book "fair play" by Eve Rodsky! It's great at describing this problem and giving a workable solution. Also on audible 👌

I get you op! I agree that you need to reply the stock answer of 'I don't know' to any question which H could easily work out himself.

He originally agreed to feed the cats abs out the rubbish and recycling out. He doesn't get up early enough to feed them in the morning but I ensure he doesn't the evening by refusing to feed them - and keep mentioning why they're handing about meowing!!

And with the recycling I tell him to check the internet if he asks which week it is. Or see what bins the neighbours have put out

I also refuse to iron anything of his ever - and no long get do cards or presents for his family.

I get the need to rant op. H asked me the other day what days the milkman delivered. We've been here 8 years and he's delivered on the same 3 days of the week the whole time!!

Hand the meal planning shopping and cooking over completely. And tell him if he can’t take this one modest sized portion of the whole home load the next holiday is being booked without him.
Mine does holidays after I told him there would be no more holidays with him if I had to book them. And if he booked them and they weren’t properly organised -
Flights cabs itinerary hotels then we would cancel it even if it were the day before the flights and he knew I was not joking one bit. Mine is also doing most meal planning and shopping (I review and edit the meal plan which most weeks involves asking have you looked in the fridge? There is x y z so have to eat that Saturday). This is because over several years he has refused to change from a method which makes more work for me and is harder for me to work with so I handed it over. Apparently it didn’t cross his mind that it was inconsiderate not to make a small tweak in his approach just because I had sat down and had several serious conversations with him about it.

Thanks everyone for your kind comments and useful suggestions. I’m currently sitting in bed drinking a glass of wine and watching crap on Netflix. My oh is putting away the massive Tesco shop that has just been delivered, (I’m too upset to deal with the delivery guy 😏). I’m thinking of putting all the apps onto dh phone with all my passwords on do he can deal with everything from now on.
FFS, he’s just come up to bed and said “what happened to my pjs then?” After having a half aside look under the pillow!

Seriously delegate the meal planning, food shop, cooking and washing up to him. As well as the full laundry - washing, drying, sorting and getting the DC to put theirs away.

For one or two of the DC he takes on their medical, dental and school appointments.

Hopefully he already does his own family gifts, birthdays etc.

Full delegation.

Hey OP totally get your frustration, Yesterday my dh was going to clean out the guinea pigs I asked him to do it he agreed.Five hours later I cleaned out the guinea pigs ...he comes running in looking pathetic saying I was going to do that (when i had nearly finished believe me I was beyond livid) I just stood there and said its ok I have done it,he asked why I said I do not expect to have to ask for help twice .He tried to look sort of woe is me and I ignored him totally,He had no intention of helping me I knew that,he knew that too,So fast forward to dinner time ,,are we having a sunday dinner today he asked,,oh yeah its sunday isnt it, I said,I went with a bottle of wine and my book and had a 2 hr bath! No roast beef no nothing,What time is dinner he asks as its getting late? Cant be arsed i replied help yourself to a sandwhich! But we always have sunday lunch and you said we were having one,Yes I know my darling I lied just like you.What do you mean why did you lie to me he said.Err I dont know its awful to lie isnt it?Yes it is he says very seriously.Yep a bit like saying you were going to clean the guinea pigs out earlier....
moral of the tale not having it any more step up of dont your choice but you lost this one my darling.I am not suffering he seems to be most put out! Fuck him! Not being treated like chief bottle washer and skivvy anymore. He genuinely seems bewildered I turned the tables but i too had had enough! Things are going to change in our house very soon,Its not just me who lives here.Next suggestion is if he doesnt want to help me we hire a cleaner ,he is quite tight so wont want to do that,then theres the ironing I am thinking of sending out ! He will step up cos he wont want his pocket suffering! Its respect i feel that is lacking more than anything with these men. I am making a change for me now I am not being held responsible for everything anymore,its too wearing.

Oh I feel your frustration, OP.

I have learned the liberating art of saying 'I don't know' and it does help, but in the end I think some of us are just better at thinking/planning/ have more common sense than our partners and so we end up taking the mental load because it's easier to get something done properly than nag them to do a half hearted job.

I was half way through cooking last week, on the phone to HIS mum sorting an issue she had, cleaning up as I cooked, and DH came over to me not to help but to decide that moment in time was the best time to waft the thermostat manual in front of my nose and ask me to programme the heating to go off overnight.

I buy myself very nice things whenever I feel the frustration building. It helps.

This is my life completely! Working, cooking, cleaning, laundry, admin, errands everything on top of a 9-5 ready to give up

I'd leave for an entire week without telling any of them where you are going and let them deal with it.
I'm pretty sure you will be much more appreciated when you get back.

I sent this to DH

Has anyone posted this cartoon yet? It sums up the problem nicely

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

So much sympathy here! (I'm also the "home admin" spouse.)

It sounds like you're not just complaining about invisible labour—you're struggling with mental load (aka cognitive burden): the admin and planning required for a household to function smoothly. It's that neverending to-do list constantly running in the back of your mind (pay the rent, sign those documents, book the tickets, buy new shoes for the kids, clean the toilet…).

It's exhausting, usually falls on the woman in a straight relationship, has been linked to stress, anxiety and depression… and because it's mostly in your head it's less visible than domestic labour that nevertheless tends to go unseen.

Your husband, of course, acts like it doesn't exist or matter. From his perspective, you're constantly stressed out about stuff he didn't know was a problem. When you do mention it, he doesn't see what the big deal is. Why not just do it? Or ask him to do it? (He's always hypothetically happy to do jobs he didn't care enough about to keep track of in the first place!)

At best, he doesn't realise it's not just the tasks—it's the tasklist itself, the planning, the self-reminders and motivation. At worst, he's deliberately feigning ignorance because he knows it's stressful and is relieved that it's on you. It's hard to tell these apart, but either way, it's so stressful for you! :(

I've had limited success with fixing this in my own life. My husband is intelligent and well-meaning but hyperactive and impatient. While I don't have any specific advice, because a lot depends on what works for you and your husband's actual willingness to help, we found our own workarounds that redistribute some of the burden from my own shoulders.

Why do so many women pick and tolerate and service such shit males? And badly raised, non-functioning offspring? Why such low standards? Honestly blows my mind, the level of disrespect and contempt yous tolerate for decades, often an entire life, wasted.

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo

Tell them you identify as a man now, and stop doing all of it. It'll be the best lesson they get this year.

Been there done that OP! A few ideas that might help:

• open a joint email account so you both know what’s going on. Use that for all bills, holidays and school correspondence - the school emails seem to ramp up once the kids hit secondary school so get started now. When he asks you about anything you can then tell him to check the emails - it took my DH a while but he now does it it automatically.

• write important dates/appointments etc in a wall calendar, so he can easily refer to it. When he asks you the dates/times of anything, just say you don’t know and to look on the calendar.

• actually, start saying ‘you don’t know’ more often, as other pp have suggested, it really does help!

• get the whole family to tidy up after themselves. Do not cave on that. I will call my DC downstairs repeatedly if I have to to clean up their mess. They are all responsible for their own stuff, cups, plates etc... everything. I am not a skivvy.

• get the DC started on tidying their rooms/doing bed sheets (age appropriate). Get them started young!

My DH has now started doing the weekend cooking and that also means being responsible for the meal planning. I generally do most of the shopping mid-week so if he tells me what he needs, I’ll buy it. If he doesn’t, then I don’t and he has to.

Sorry, that’s quite an essay. I basically had a mini breakdown over the mental load a few years ago and decided things had to change. However, I also had to learn to relinquish stuff too. It’s important to me that my DD know that DH is a parent with joint responsibility too and that it’s not just my job as the woman to keep house etc.

I had this last night too.

Has to do an errand and had left the stuff I was making for tea out. I'd only finished work 5 minutes before this. He's sitting there watching telly where he's been for the last hour.

I get back and the food is still there and he's doing his ironing.
I have a massive strop and so to make it look like he's helping he sits in the kitchen playing games on his phone while I cook.

I've told him I'm sick of being the only person who thinks and does here.

Why are you still cooking wishywashy? Chuck it in the bin and make toast.

@Cherrysoup

I have released myself from such dumb questions as ‘Are there more binbags/where is xyz?’ by the simple use of’I don’t know’. It is LIBERATING! Homestly, OP, try it, be obdurate, never vary your answer. It’s amazing.

Yep. I do this too, it works a treat. Other good answers to dumb questions include 'Oh dear', 'I can't remember', 'I expect you'll work it out' and sometimes (if feeling fed up) 'it sucks to be you'. Or just remaining silent. Amazing how quickly they do actually work it out.

Cherrysoup
I have released myself from such dumb questions as ‘Are there more binbags/where is xyz?’ by the simple use of’I don’t know’. It is LIBERATING! Homestly, OP, try it, be obdurate, never vary your answer. It’s amazing

Doesn’t bloody work for me.

Are there binbags.
I don’t know. Should be in the cupboard.
I can’t find them, we don’t have any, can you put some on the shop.

We currently have six packets of bin bags in bathroom drawers.

And as before- can you help me make my bed?
No. Ask daddy.
Neither can find the double duvet in the room so take a single one off the spare room bed and put it in a double duvet cover.

The most common one is:
Where is x?
I don’t know.
It’s not in the cupboard.
Well it should be.
It’s not, you must have moved it.
I haven’t.
You have, you always move things.
It’s in the cupboard in front of your fucking face.

That and where is x in the freezer?
I don’t know
I can’t find it.
It’s there, look.
But the freezer is full and I don’t want to pull things about.
It’s fine, just move things and you’ll see x.
crash
I just pulled x out from under everything else and it all fell out. Can you help pick up the peas/fix the broken containers...

Must be like a kick up the arse when you’ve already thought, planned and funded stuff, to have a deadbeat male and badly raised offspring drivel ‘where is-when is-wehhhhh’ , do people who choose this lifestyle just let this continue for decades? Just for the sake of having a man in the vicinity? Poor trade off.

I think the most helpful thing a counsellor said to me in this position is that he doesn't get it because he doesn't want to. DH admitted it, too.

I hear you OP. Why can’t anyone else just notice everything you do and thank you and not take it for granted. What annoys me is that if anything needs to be done I’ll have to do all the groundwork all the time despite there being plenty of other perfectly capable people able to do it. Have some you need them!

EvenBetter the men aren’t like that when we marry them they change after childbirth then suddenly getting them to do anything involves an hour lng row and then sulking until it becomes easier to do it ourselves. Ditto kids cleaning rooms will take me 2 hours to supervise, help, answer 209 questions etc etc

Although mine are finally cleaning!

Sounds completely exhausting
Surely it’d be easier to just live on your own and let him go find another mummy to help him do basic things