AIBU to ask why marriage is so easily dismissed as an option?

[HeidiHaughton]

Why do people not want to get married when to all intents and purposes they're behaving like they are?
I can't help but wonder if some of my mother's seemingly old fashioned pieces of advice about marriage have in the long run turned out to be correct, even if I thought she was behind the times when she dished it out.

Mainly money or can’t be bothered to deal with family politics.

I’m with you on this one OP. When I expressed the wish to get married eventually even before having a BF, I was taken aback by some of my friends reactions. As if marriage was somehow an old-fashioned unnecessary institution.
In the same way I respect people who choose not to get married or to be child-free, I think people should’t make you feel you are terribly boring and traditional when you want to get married. It’s pretty standard!

I think a lot of people don't know about the legalities of marriage. Many people buy in to the idea that its "just a bit of paper" that you don't need, or that there are "common law spouse" laws, which there are not.

Also there seems to be a lot of opinion that you "can't afford" to get married unless you have £15k for a huge wedding, which obviously is not true either

If you go by threads on here, it often seems to be that the woman wants marriage but is waiting endlessly for a 'proposal' from the man (even if they have already talked about marriage). In these instances I tend to think either the man is still hoping someone (he thinks is) better will come along, or he's the better off one financially and wants to protect his assets.

Obviously those aren't reasons in all cases but I think they account for a significant chunk of them.

Depends really, some don't believe in it, some are not bothered, some don't want to bother organising a big wedding...

I don't think enough people - women mainly, are aware of how dangerous financially it can be to be an unmarried sahm if they don't have some form of independent income.

Money and assets as pre nups aren’t legal in the UK. Wanting the option to be able to walk away at any point. Some thinking you need to spend thousands rather than pop to the registry office.

Some go into far too easily though without thinking of the commitment or consequences as they want the big proposal for SM, their big day etc and then reality sets in.

There isn't much point if you don't have kids. You're essentially giving someone the keys to a portion of your assets and trusting that they'll always like you enough not to take.
That's if you're the higher earner obviously. If you're not and are unlikely to be, there aren't many downsides to it.

Ignorance. It’s shocking how many people believe they are as good as married or in common law marriage.
Not sure what solution is. My yr 10 daughter has had part one 1 phse lesson on subject. Needless to say I’ve expanded upon it. Maybe info given when booking in with midwives or registration of births?
Not a moral judgment up to you if you marry but factual eg link to CAB website about differences.

Probably best just to leave people to their own business and not pry into why they make the decisions they do when there's no impact on you

Because it would make absolutely zero sense for me to marry. I own a house, have a pension and some savings. I have 3 children. I have a boyfriend. Why would I want to risk their future inheritance or even the near future of their security in our home.

Because it’s more common for women to be the main breadwinners now? Most women I know have their shit together mid-late 20s, good jobs, own their own homes etc. Men on the other hand, I know a few but generally speaking they take a lot longer to get themselves sorted - so when people meet, the woman often has a lot more to lose.

Because I don't want to be a 'wife'. Because I don't like being forced to make public declarations about my private feelings. Because divorce is very common.

Civil partnership much more my thing.

I’ve been married before, and he walked out to start again with someone else.

I’m not married now but I’m in a much better, committed relationship and we are both very happy. Both got wills, life insurance etc has sorted out all the legal stuff so we are both protected. I can’t see getting married would make any difference, really. Having said that, we will get around to it one day!

Why would they? Fine you might save a few quid by avoiding inheritance tax otherwise what's the point? It's all a bit of a con really and I think a lot of people only get married to have a wedding/honeymoon and they like the idea of it rather than seeing it as a lifelong commitment.

@DedlyMedally

There isn't much point if you don't have kids. You're essentially giving someone the keys to a portion of your assets and trusting that they'll always like you enough not to take. That's if you're the higher earner obviously. If you're not and are unlikely to be, there aren't many downsides to it.

I agree with this. I am married, we are childfree by choice. We married because DHs family are very traditional and it was expected. We were in our mid-20s at the time. It's worked out fine, we're still together. But I am the higher earner. My job comes with a large pension attached, which if we split he'd be entitled to half of. If we weren't married and we split, we'd just sell the house and go our separate ways. But because we're married if we ever split I'm going to be a lot worse off financially.

Oh yeah, I'll just add financial advice on to my never ending spiel at booking (midwife here). There isn't the time for that, nor is it something that would be appropriate.

No marriage for me thanks. I own my own home and have a nice pension. I'm not having a man take it away from me.

Getting married or being in a civil partnership is pretty sensible for many /most women with children in a relationship that I know. It's usually the woman who has sacrificed career in some way or another to bring up children. Sadly a lot of women are very naive about their vulnerability if the relationship breaks down.

@Magnificentmug12

Mainly money or can’t be bothered to deal with family politics.

This, for me. I’d do it just the two of us in a registry office but both families would be distraught if we did that. I can’t justify the cost of a big wedding. I’m not that fussed about it, we both have wills, jointly own the house, have a joint account, no kids so no power imbalance with regards to careers or earnings over time.

I’d strongly recommend it for the partner that stays home to bring up kids though. I don’t think it’s old fashioned, I just don’t think I need it myself.

I know a lot of unhappily married people who are only still there because of a piece of paper or the delusion that their kids will suffer if they get divorced.

Why do you care? Can you imagine how boring the World would be if we were all the same.
Some people will never be happy in this World until all humans are a carbon copy of themselves 🙄

Something that was important to me was being my husband's next of kin. His family are all Jehovah's Witnesses so if he needed a blood transfusion or something they would have stopped it.

YANBU. I don't understand why more women don't insist upon marriage before children arrive. It doesn't have to cost much, it (traditionally) shows a higher of commitment from the man, and it provides the best protection possible for the children's interests. Of course, unless people respect and honour their vows and don't view it as something they can simply walk away from if they change their mind, its value is limited to whatever legal protections it provides.

*higher level of commitment

I don't need some sort of certificate or large event to show that I'm committed to my partner and vice versa. I also know that if in the (unlikely) event that we split up, I like to know that the money and property I own will remain mine and the kids. I never want to be in a position (again) where that is compromised in any way.