AIBU to ask why marriage is so easily dismissed as an option?

[HeidiHaughton]

Why do people not want to get married when to all intents and purposes they're behaving like they are?
I can't help but wonder if some of my mother's seemingly old fashioned pieces of advice about marriage have in the long run turned out to be correct, even if I thought she was behind the times when she dished it out.

@ChampagneHead

I think part of it is more people are moving in together and having their children before marriage and once you’ve done that it can be hard to gather the funds together to have the wedding you feel you want/need. Especially in this social media obsessed time we live in. For many people a registry office thing isn’t enough.

But ruining yourself financially is? I think a lot of people aren't prepared to leave relationships that aren't working or where they are not compatible and so carry on hoping. Or sleepwalk into a quasi-married state with none of the benefits (or the benefits all for the man).

Of course there will be people in that situation too.

Lots of reasons why people aren’t arsed about marrying. FIL’s partner of 8ish years is incredibly wealthy, she owns a business and is on a 3 figure salary. She won’t marry him because he’s nowhere near as wealthy and she doesn’t want to risk divorce. Do I blame her for that? No, not really. They’re happy enough as they are anyway so don’t have any real reason to marry.

I think lots of people remain unmarried for that reason above all else, they just don’t really care about marriage. It is quite an outdated concept imo and I feel this way even though I am married. I married DH for financial security mostly for all of us but if there was a way to ensure that without marriage I probably would’ve done that at the time. We didn’t have a big fancy wedding because it’s just not who we are at all, we’re both quiet and understated.

@rawalpindithelabrador

Depends. It doesn't make financial sense for some couples, particularly if they have been married before. But sadly a lot of women believe there's common law or that a wedding matters more than marriage or fall for lines.

Didn't think of this (re. past marriages), good point.

You'd have to have rocks in your head to have children with a man, if you're not married to him. You have NO rights whatsoever, and you can bet he will keep HIS money mostly to himself

What money?
I did get married. I would have been better off just living together.
My husband now has neither savings or a pension and a load of debt. He certainly is welcome to leave and take his overdraft with him but as we are married we would have to spend money on solicitors and court cases rather than him just leaving.

Marriage is really only beneficial to the partner who is less well off financially.

Women and men are (slowly) becoming more equal wrt career, earnings, and financial standing so marriage is becoming less important.

I have assets and children so there's no way I'd ever marry. I'm so, so thankful I didn't marry the DCs father despite him wanting to as he'd have taken everything he could and I'd have lost the house.

@VladmirsPoutine

I honestly think because a lot more women have their own wealth/capital/assets now more than ever before. They also have options which many generations before us didn't. One of my friends owns 2 properties, has an excellent career and personal savings not to be sniffed at. In her position you couldn't drag me down the aisle!!!

I am sure this is part of it, but I think the trend started before that was so common. I remember back far enough to when it became more and more common for people to bot bother, and overall it seemed to be about people seeing it as old-fashioned or the "we don't need a piece of paper from the city hall keeping us tied and true" stuff.

And a lot of people don't realise the legal implications.

YABU. I hate some of the stereotypes listed on here. I am a women. I don't want to get married. In fact my DP would like to get married but respects I don't want to. People assumed I would change my mind when my dd was born but she is now 6 months old and I still feel the same way.

I'm not sure how people can "act married." Is there certain behaviours that are only for married people?

I married DH for financial security mostly for all of us but if there was a way to ensure that without marriage I probably would’ve done that at the time.

I don't quite get this.

There is a way to ensure that security, a legal framework developed for precisely that purpose, without going through a ton of hoops to patch together the various things you'd want to include.

That's what marriage is for. How is that old fashioned if it's socially useful?

I've been with dp for 33 years.
We have never married. It's just something I don't see the point in.
We own a home jointly, we are named on each other's insurance and pensions.
We have joint and separate finance .

I just feel it's a pointless expense that wasn't needed.

I have no desire to spend money on a wedding for the sake of a piece of paper. Luckily I live in a country that does not have silly archaic laws and recognises my relationship as equal to marriage. So why would we bother?

Lawyers

@Mostlylurkingiam

I have no desire to spend money on a wedding for the sake of a piece of paper. Luckily I live in a country that does not have silly archaic laws and recognises my relationship as equal to marriage. So why would we bother?

Agreed @Mostlylurkingiam. I never understand why people who are married are so admit that everyone should be.

@Mostlylurkingiam

I have no desire to spend money on a wedding for the sake of a piece of paper. Luckily I live in a country that does not have silly archaic laws and recognises my relationship as equal to marriage. So why would we bother?

So you paid money for a peice of paper thats equal to marriage or are you saying at some point the state just decided you and your partner are now a joint entity??

Cause that's sounds insane and kind of a violation

I won't marry, I own a house and risk losing it if I marry. They would be entitled to half and the marriage could collapse after a year.

None of my friends in their early 30s with kids are married, but they all work, none of their partners are particularly high earners or have shares or massive pensions, and only one owns their home which is in both their names anyway

So maybe income equality + no assets

Ok so we have 2 children but not married, both own our house and no other huge amounts of money or ‘assets’ to be split (no work pension of my partners I’d benefit from he’s self employed) oh and my names on his life insurance...what is being married going to add right now?
Also if, as someone suggested a midwife had tried to talk to me about marriage it would not have gone down well!

I think that marriage has lost its meaning, now that divorce is so common and socially acceptable. It's supposedly a vow to be together forever, but forever has been replaced with 'for as long as you're making me happy'. So really, it's no different to an unmarried relationship except way more laborious to get out of if you do decide to end it.

Marriage means nothing to me. We've got a mortgage, children and pets. That shows enough commitment and if one of us was to leave, a marriage certificate would make no difference anyway. We earn equal amounts and if the other left or died, we'd be fine.

If you're married and one person secretly wants to divorce but either can't afford it or find the logistics of detangling your lives overwhelming, they may just plod along unhappily but check out of the relationship emotionally and even have an affair, resulting in prolonged misery for everyone.

If me or DP decide that we want to end our relationship, I would prefer it to be a swift and painless process. I don't personally feel that marriage would add anything positive for us. He is free to leave whenever he wants, and continues to choose to be with me every day. This makes me feel far more secure than if he was penned in by a marriage contract.

Just speaking relating to my situation as I understand that marriage is considered important for SAHMs.

you saying at some point the state just decided you and your partner are now a joint entity??

Yes, in NZ the State decides that you have the same rights as a married couple if you are a de facto couple. In most cases, only people who have lived together in a relationship for at least 3 years are covered unless there is a child involved. The court will look at many things when deciding whether 2 people are in a de facto relationship, including:

how long the relationship lasted
the extent to which the couple share a home
whether they have a sexual relationship
their financial and property arrangements and how much they depend on each other
their ownership, use and purchase of property
how committed they‘ve both been to a shared life
their care and support of children
who does the housework and other household duties
if the partners are known to family and friends or other people as a couple.

So, yes, in NZ you are treated as married when it comes to the division of 'marital assets' like the home. You don't have to be married or in a civil union. You can formally opt-out of all of this with a Relationship Property Agreement.

This policy was put in place because poor (women, usually) weren't marrying and then finding themselves destitute.

I'm not sure how people can "act married."

I wonder if they mean the people who use the terms husband and wife but aren’t actually married in the legal sense.

I think a lot of people don't bother to get married because they barely have any assets, and don't think they'll ever get any.

It's supposedly a vow to be together forever,

Again, people not understanding what it is. You can make that vow if you like, but it's not a requirement, not legally binding. The only thing you have to declare is that you know of no lawful impediment to the marriage, and that you take this person as your lawfully wedded husband or wife.

It's a contract to join finances and assets. There are circumstances written into the law under which you can dissolve it. Again, it's certainly not right for everyone (which is why it needs to remain opt in, none of this "common law marriage once you've loved together for x years" stuff), but people need to realise what it is in order to make an informed decision.

You'd have to have rocks in your head to have children with a man, if you're not married to him No rocks in my head thanks. I'm the higher earner and have seen how awful people can be in break ups. I want to know my children will be protected.

Also people act as though being a sahm is absolutely fine if you're married. Your husband could still leave you with nothing and you'll have nothing til the divorce comes through. Even then what if there are no assets or assets are hidden? It isn't some magical protection.