AIBU to ask why marriage is so easily dismissed as an option?

[HeidiHaughton]

Why do people not want to get married when to all intents and purposes they're behaving like they are?
I can't help but wonder if some of my mother's seemingly old fashioned pieces of advice about marriage have in the long run turned out to be correct, even if I thought she was behind the times when she dished it out.

You really are better off staying employed.

I tried that marriage thing once. I was the higher earner and I got fleeced by him and OW. I've been with my DP for 18 years and we will never get married again. I've learnt my lesson.

When I hear certain stories, I do wonder if marriage should be harder and divorce easier, or at least less expensive. I don't know how that could be done, I'm not a lawyer. But while I'm certainly in favour of marriage as an option for two people who want to do it, there does seem to be room for improvement.

Money. If a women posted on here than she has more assets than her partner, she'd be told not to get married. I don't see why the same can't apply to men. I personally don't agree that everything should automatically be shared. Everyone's situation is different.

Marriage is also problematic if either side has children already.

@dandelionbayts

Money. If a women posted on here than she has more assets than her partner, she'd be told not to get married. I don't see why the same can't apply to men. I personally don't agree that everything should automatically be shared. Everyone's situation is different.

Marriage is also problematic if either side has children already.

I totally agree. It goes both ways.

I don't like the idea of marriage. I've been with my DP 27 years. I don't want to be anyone's wife. I don't need a ring or a certificate to show commitment or love. I hate all the wedding bullshit and the white virgin dress rubbish.

This shows there really needs to be education about what marriage means. Sometimes it's advantageous, sometimes it's not. Sometimes it protects you, sometimes it protects your partner.
It's not about pretty dresses and big parties. You can have that without being married... Or you can get married without all the fanfare.

Some of the reasons people give for not wanting to get married are ludicrous - citing ‘the patriarchy’ or ‘I’m not religious’ - anyone would think it was compulsory to get married in church with a male family member giving you away!

Or that it was compulsory to spend a fortune on a wedding.

Or they don’t want to be a wife/husband. So have a civil partnership, then, for the legal and financial protection it provides.

I suspect that one reason (still) why a percentage of couples don’t marry or have a CP, is because the bloke is the more reluctant party, typically saying ‘it’s just a piece of paper’, because deep down, he doesn’t actually want to commit.
I’ve known of more than one long-term relationship where the bloke has said precisely this - only to bugger off after 9 years or whatever, and shortly afterwards marry the woman he buggered off to.

We’re desperate to get married but not one local authority will even discuss it as they’re ‘too busy dealing with deaths’. I don’t think it’s set up to be particularly easy I’m not surprised people can’t be bothered.

In my own situation it is more me than him that doesn't want to. We talked about it maybe 15 years ago but I just said no why would we?

This may help

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

The only thing we miss out on is inheritance tax.

If you’re a SAHP, then marriage provides protection. I’ve got several friends who are now in a really precarious financial position by giving up work entirely to look after DC without marriage. Actually some are married in that situation and I think they’re vulnerable to being left in the dust if their marriage ends through divorce or OH is ill/dies.

But if you’re financially independent, then marriage can be a liability. If I were ever single in future, there’s no way I’d remarry.

Magnificentmug12
Mainly money or can’t be bothered to deal with family politics.

This sums it up for me, however since the pandemic I’ve realised how vulnerable I am should anything happen to my partner so we are trying to arrange a registry office marriage ASAP. This is easier said than done as we’ve picked a difficult time given everything is closed!
I’d like it to be just us two, but my mum and his mum are going to be very hurt if they’re not included., they’ll make it something it isn’t. in my eyes it’s for entirely practical reasons like having life insurance with your mortgage and I can’t see why they’d need to be there as they didn’t turn up any other legal document signings i’m aware this makes me a misery but I can’t change how I feel and i’ve tried!

I am currently very pleased with my decision not to marry.

We are separating after 20 years of very successful parenting and running a family.

When we got together I earned more (always have) and had far more equity in my little house than he had in his flat, and he had debt.

We bought a house together as tenants in common, with our respective equity protected.

We shared parenting. Equal assumptions about covering sick days, holidays, we each worked 4 days a week during the pregnancy-school years to cut nursery bills and increase parenting time.

We have wills and POA documents.

Now we are selling up and I get my original deposit back ( as does he, but mine is 4x his). I can afford a place as a base for Dc during the Uni years. I have the security for my future that I worked so hard for before we got together.

Had we not bought a house together I would be twice as well off now (one family house does not appreciate like a flat and a house separately, and I wasn’t smart enough to have the shared in the house expressed as a percentage, so he is benefitting from half the increase in value of my deposit), but that’s OK, primarily I wanted a home for Dc and we have done that.

Had we been married the value of the house would be split and neither of us would have had enough for a place that Dc can come back to. My pension (I was much more conscientious before we met, and continued to save... he had employer’s contributions years before I did but never topped up).

Splitting is still painful and cumbersome, but I am so glad we did not marry. I would have gained nothing and lost my security.

I'm divorced and will never re marry. Everything I have now I have worked for on my own and I'm not going to share it with a man.

DH and I always said we would never marry. After 12 years together he very nearly died in an accident and it was a huge wake up call to us. I would have been entitled to nothing had he passed away and I would have been left raising our children on dust as he is the higher earner.

@Tillytrotterisarotter

DH and I always said we would never marry. After 12 years together he very nearly died in an accident and it was a huge wake up call to us. I would have been entitled to nothing had he passed away and I would have been left raising our children on dust as he is the higher earner.

Glad you got it sorted and that he is ok. May I ask, before this horrible experience, why were you so sure you wouldn't marry?

If you have carefully prepared the legal side of things (like Stocking) then it is perfectly understandable not to get married but so many people don't do that, they drift into living together, having a baby, many women go part time or become a SAHM without thinking about the future.

Marriage is not about 'a big day' or keeping different sides of the family happy. We married over 30 years ago, two witnesses at the Register Office and a couple of extra guests for lunch, quick, not expensive and if anyone was 'upset' they didn't say anything. You don't even need to tell people you are getting married if you feel it will cause upset but at least you know the legal obligations are in place.

You only have to read the threads on here to see how often women end up in terrible circumstances because they never 'bothered' to get married.

And yes, of course there are exceptions and if I was single again I would never marry again - with my own assets to protect for myself and my DC but then I would never want to live with anyone either.

Well DP and I have been together since 1999, and it's always been me that said an absolute no to marriage. From my experience people who are married seem unusually concerned that we are not, as in we live a 'lesser' life. Completely odd.

Statistically, nearly half of all the married people who have commented on this thread will likely divorce when the shit hits the fan, and it will. Life will throw all sorts at you and you will divorce because you won't deal with the 'worse' part in your marriage vows. Many people do not fix what is broken anymore, they divorce and move on.

Out of every wedding I have been to in my life, only one couple are still together, but to be fair they have only been together 6yrs and are both on second and third marriages respectively (I was at one of the couples last wedding to another person to!).

I have a work friend for example who has been married for 4yrs after only knowing him for a year prior. When she talks to me it is clear her marriage is a car crash, yet they seem to enjoy a very active 'we love each other' shit show on social media.

Being 'Married' does not make a commitment or your relationship any more solid. And to the posters on here harping on about security, well DP and I are educated enough that all our financial ducks are nicely in a row so to speak, thanks.

You are so right that being 'married' does not mean that you will be happier in your relationships than not being being married .... but it does at least mean more legal protection and far too many people (sadly usually women) are in a worse financial situation if they are not married and break up.

I have also witnessed at least 50% of the weddings I have attended (including my first ) end in divorce.

@ZoeCM

the delusion that their kids will suffer if they get divorced

I don't think that's a delusion at all. Kids generally do suffer when their parents split up (though that's the case regardless of whether they were married in the first place). Adults tend to downplay the effects on kids to ease their own guilt.

They suffer when two people who clearly don't want to be under the same roof put on a brave face for the kids as well...

@Invisablewoman

Because I don't want to be a 'wife'. Because I don't like being forced to make public declarations about my private feelings. Because divorce is very common.

Civil partnership much more my thing.

It’s the same apart from the wife bit. You still make a public declaration in front of two witnesses and you can still get divorced.

I’ve never understood the civil partnership thing when it’s essentially the same institution under a different name.

Read thread after thread on here where people explain how they are feeling in a multitude of different situations, and the general vibe is, you can’t help or control how you feel.

If you can’t control how you feel, how can you promise to love someone tomorrow, or in five years, or in fifty years time? We are surrounded by others who made that promise and broke it, many through no fault of their own, they fell out of love, or grew apart, or just couldn’t get along. And some were tied legally to abusive arseholes. I believe it’s an impossible promise in the first place, and I’m not prepared to make it. Nor do I want anyone to promise to love me for the rest of their life. That’s a long time (hopefully). I don’t want anyone to stay with me because of a promise they made years ago. I want them to stay with me today because they want to be with me, today. And when that changes, as it has a very high chance of doing, I don’t want years of expensive legal wrangling making it so much harder.

I am financially secure and it makes no sense for me to marry. My children are better provided for financially with unmarried parents than married. Wills and pensions and life insurances are sorted. Inheritance tax does not affect us.

My own parents divorce dragged on for six years and cost tens of thousands of pounds whilst we lived in limbo and poverty. It then hurt the family unit again by forcing the sale of the family home. The wronged party in the divorce literally never recovered financially or physically from the stress of that time.

I cannot think of an upside to marriage for me, my partner or children.

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom neither of us have had a great experience with marriage. Both our DM were married numerous times in childhood and I have been married before when I was very young. We made the decision early on that marriage wasn't for us blah blah but times change and we changed. I'm pleased we did.