AIBU to ask why marriage is so easily dismissed as an option?

[HeidiHaughton]

Why do people not want to get married when to all intents and purposes they're behaving like they are?
I can't help but wonder if some of my mother's seemingly old fashioned pieces of advice about marriage have in the long run turned out to be correct, even if I thought she was behind the times when she dished it out.

I remember hearing a lot of couples say they wouldn't marry but would get a civil partnership if it became available to male/female couples. Have the numbers gone up?

One reason some people don't marry is they haven't read the small print of their partner's work pension.

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

If DH dies at work, I'll get a widow (or widowers, if I was male) pension from his employers. If we weren't married, all there would be is the lump sum payment. Marriage makes a lot of sense for us, although I dearly hope he doesn't die at work.

If something was to happen to him, I wouldn't remarry though, at least not until our children were adults.

I should have read the effing thread!

the delusion that their kids will suffer if they get divorced

I don't think that's a delusion at all. Kids generally do suffer when their parents split up (though that's the case regardless of whether they were married in the first place). Adults tend to downplay the effects on kids to ease their own guilt.

Adults like to label children as "resilient" to assuage the nagging feeling they're going to put their children through an extremely difficult upheaval. Adults need to believe children to be resilient so they can suit themselves.

The very fact that children are highly damageable is precisely why you shouldn't subject them to a terrible home life. I wish my parents had divorced.

I'm sorry for what you went through GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

Sometimes though it's out of the frying pan into the fire.

My df was neglectful and violent. But then my entire succession of "step dads" were more abusive and more violent. Plus there was the constant upheaval.

It's a relatively sane atmosphere that dc need most of all, whether that's with one parent or two

For me, it was money. My husband was an only child who would one day inherit from his parents, and if I had to put up with those vile people I was damn well sharing the inheritance. Plus I wanted to make sure my kids were protected financially.

For my husband it was about making sure I was less likely to get bored and wander away with our kids. I have a habit of upping sticks and moving on fairly frequently.

For me it was never a choice or a decision. I always loved the idea of marriage. I've never looked at or viewed marriage as security or beneficial for financial or legal reasons. To me marriage should be about love and telling your partner how much you love them. It's the vows you make and the feelings involved.

In fact it meant so much to me that I first met my husband end of April 2014. We became a couple 9th may 2014. We decided to start trying for a baby in July 2014, we moved in together in October 2014, I got pregnant in November 2014, we found out I was pregnant 19th December 2014. We got engaged 13th January 2015, and got married 9th April 2015. Baby was due 30th August 2015, was actually born on 5th September 2015.

So we had been together exactly 11 months the day we got married. I know it's very quick, being married and expecting a baby within less than a year of being together, but it worked for us. We had discussed marriage and both agreed it was what we wanted, but we weren't officially engaged. But when we found out I was pregnant we both knew it was important to us to be married before the baby was born, and I didn’t want to be showing if possible, so we made sure we were. It was perfect.

Some people might think we only got married because I was pregnant, but that was never the case at all. We did it because I wanted us to all have the same name on as much of the paperwork as possible and especially on the birth certificate, it meant a lot to me. In fact my first appointment after the wedding was the second scan. We made sure we had plenty of time before the appointment so I could get my name changed on the system before my appointment. I did. That was obviously the first time I’d been called by my married name, I loved hearing it and seeing it on the paperwork and especially on the scan photos.

I know for a lot of people it doesn’t matter and isn’t really that important, and I mean no judgement at all. But for me it was very important and it did mean a lot.

I have 2 children by two different men. I've never been married nor would I ever wish to be (now just have a boyfriend).

I have my home, my very good career and my good pension.

I've protected my children by refusing to get married.

If you're the higher earner and have good savings, is there any need?

It's true that you can arrange a lot via wills. But the thing to remember is that either one can change their will without the other knowing, eg if they're planning to leave. Whereas they can't get out of marriage without the other one knowing! (though they can easily not have any say in it )

@duchesspodcast

I'm sorry for what you went through GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

Sometimes though it's out of the frying pan into the fire.

My df was neglectful and violent. But then my entire succession of "step dads" were more abusive and more violent. Plus there was the constant upheaval.

It's a relatively sane atmosphere that dc need most of all, whether that's with one parent or two

Thank you, and I'm sorry for your experiences too. At least I only had to deal with the one.

Security, safety and love are what kids need. If the parents are in a miserable relationship, it is far better that children have two secure, safe and loving homes than one horrible stressful one.

I do think that it's not uncommon for people to use "staying together for the kids" as an excuse because THEY don't want to go through the upheaval or life change.

I have my own money and assets (and that will not change, my independence comes above all else) which I don't want to share if things go tits up.

If he decides to be a dick or I get sick of him, I want to get up and walk away. I've been through a divorce in this country already and it's awful and expensive. Fuck that.

Oh and family dynamics. CBA with having to invite people etc (and no, I would have no choice in the matter, I'm from a different culture and marrying with just 2 witnesses is as bad as killing your own mother).

I don't want to risk losing my house if we got divorced. Amd I can see no benefit to being married in my case (no kids, and I have a will in place).

Also in all the pensions I've had (five I think at the last count), you nominate a benefactor. The earlier ones have my sister nominated, the later ones my partner, and I'm fine with that. My will has similar intentions.

@HeidiHaughton

Why do people not want to get married when to all intents and purposes they're behaving like they are? I can't help but wonder if some of my mother's seemingly old fashioned pieces of advice about marriage have in the long run turned out to be correct, even if I thought she was behind the times when she dished it out.

Who are these people? Why does it matter to you?

If you have significant assets to your name you risk a 50/50 chance of losing at least half of everything you own. And until prenups are legally binding you’d be insane to even think about it.

Not everyone benefits from marriage and it’s not a good idea for many. I ended up much better off because I didn’t marry dd dad.

It is old fashioned to have your ambition as marrying well. Lots more available for women these days op.

I am married, but that doesn't automatically mean finances will go to my husband. My property is left in will to my children and he gets a lifetime right to reside. I'm not risking disinheriting them if I die then he goes on to re marry.

@littlepattilou - aren’t you assuming that women are the poorer party? Also there’s no reason unmarried partners can’t inherit if a will is drawn up. Also, married partners can be disinherited

I know some couples who object to the religious/cultural baggage associated with the term "marriage". They've said they would prefer to have the option of a civil partnership, which I support.

Other friends prefer to maintain their independence and don't want to make a lifelong commitment that will complicate things if their goals diverge down the line. They keep separate bank accounts, support each other without compromising their personal ambitions and usually don't plan on having children. I support them too.

I'm married because I don't mind that baggage and my husband and I decided to commit to sharing the rest of our lives together. Our finances and life goals are interdependent, and we are willing to compromise for each other when they're incompatible.

Well, this might be a totally false impression but I always thought the legality of marriage was to protect the person with less assets. I'm the main breadwinner and I have the most to lose so I don't want to give it away if things fall apart. I know that sounds selfish, but it's the fruits of my labours long before I met my partner.

Other than that, really can't be arsed with a big Princessy wedding. But the opposite end of the scale doesn't appeal either. I'd be depressed with a formal 'do'. So it's just easier to not bother.

Depends. It doesn't make financial sense for some couples, particularly if they have been married before. But sadly a lot of women believe there's common law or that a wedding matters more than marriage or fall for lines.

I think part of it is more people are moving in together and having their children before marriage and once you’ve done that it can be hard to gather the funds together to have the wedding you feel you want/need. Especially in this social media obsessed time we live in. For many people a registry office thing isn’t enough.