To ask you ...how would you feel if someone you lived with (who was family) lied about having cancer?

[thewealthyplatypus]

Would you ignore it, mind your own business or would you call them out? I’m finding it increasingly difficult to live with them because of this and DH says IABVU m. Hard hat ready

As in they had it but lied to say they didn't in order to prevent lots of upset or they didn't had it and lied to say they did? Very different scenarios.

As in they lied about having cancer? I’d lied about not having cancer??

Lied about having cancer not lied about not having cancer!

In that case I'd be really angry. What was their motivation?

I know someone whose parent concealed their condition until hospitalised right at the end of their life. This caused upset but ultimately, an individual's medical history is no one else's business by right. The patient chooses who they tell.

Your OP doesn't give enough info, but I think it may be that YABU.

If someone is pretending they do have something they don't, that is a very different psychological ball game!

Do you know why they are they have lied?

Why would anyone do that? More details please, this is crazy. Why would your DH think YABU?

I'd be shocked, hurt, distressed, confused.

I'd hope they weren't making money out of it somehow?

If someone lied about having cancer, I would consider them to be extremely messed up and would steer clear. I would pursue any financial fraud but would certainly not discuss or argue with them.

You can not argue or discuss with someone that far from reasonable.

Listen to your DH here, what would you gain from the conversation?

I don’t know why they have lied. Most likely reason is attention. It is my fairly young and health MiL. She had a smear, they found precancerous cells and referred her for a colposcopy which she refused to attend. However told everyone around her that they had found cancer and she was going to die. Instead she booked in privately to get a hysterectomy. After the hysterectomy she came to me and told me that when they did the Op they found ovarian cancer which they managed to completely remove and she needs no further treatment - not even to see an oncologist. Not even for check ups. No blood tests, scans etc to determine if it had spread. It’s just a 100% cured. So although there’s a chance she’s not lying, I find it so hard to believe especially as she has lied previously.

Which way? If they lied about NOT having cancer, then I'd be sad and have compassion.

If they lied about having cancer then I'd still try to have compassion, as happy and mentally healthy people wouldn't do it, but I'd absolutely want to call them out on it.

@thewealthyplatypus

I don’t know why they have lied. Most likely reason is attention. It is my fairly young and health MiL. She had a smear, they found precancerous cells and referred her for a colposcopy which she refused to attend. However told everyone around her that they had found cancer and she was going to die. Instead she booked in privately to get a hysterectomy. After the hysterectomy she came to me and told me that when they did the Op they found ovarian cancer which they managed to completely remove and she needs no further treatment - not even to see an oncologist. Not even for check ups. No blood tests, scans etc to determine if it had spread. It’s just a 100% cured. So although there’s a chance she’s not lying, I find it so hard to believe especially as she has lied previously.

Did she definitely get a hysterectomy? They don't hand those out easily.

@thewealthyplatypus

I don’t know why they have lied. Most likely reason is attention. It is my fairly young and health MiL. She had a smear, they found precancerous cells and referred her for a colposcopy which she refused to attend. However told everyone around her that they had found cancer and she was going to die. Instead she booked in privately to get a hysterectomy. After the hysterectomy she came to me and told me that when they did the Op they found ovarian cancer which they managed to completely remove and she needs no further treatment - not even to see an oncologist. Not even for check ups. No blood tests, scans etc to determine if it had spread. It’s just a 100% cured. So although there’s a chance she’s not lying, I find it so hard to believe especially as she has lied previously.

What would you hope to get out of the conversation, and can you honestly evaluate how likely you think it that you would get that outcome?

Because I suspect your DH thinks a conversation about this would be pointless?

OP, are you angry w your MIL for having a hysterectomy? That’s quite a big operation.

You are sounding great tbh.

I know someone who did this, a colleague though not family member. She pretended to have terminal cancer. Another woman on the team was genuinely battling breast cancer. They did fundraisers together. How she could look the genuine sufferer in the face and pretend to be going through the same I'll never know. I think that she saw the attention the genuine cancer patient was getting and was jealous. She was eventually found out when her sick notes were found to be forged. She was then promptly sacked. Ii think she's the lowest of the low and I'd struggle to be civil to her.

My mum had a hysterectomy which completely removed the ovarian cancer she had. No other treatment was needed. She wasn't lying.

Having read your last post OP, I think I would say nothing and let it go. I cannot any good outcome if you 'call her out'.

I'd bet she's not lying. DH had a major OP to remove cancer but no subsequent oncology until later when it was found to have spread

Why have you assumed she's lying?

see any good outcome

I don’t know what I would hope for. I lost my grandmother to cervical cancer within two weeks of the diagnosis so it’s really hard for me not to take it personally. I worry about the impact on my children if it is one big lie. I worry about getting to the end of every month because we are absolutely broke but MIL can drop $$$ on private surgery whilst offering zero contribution to the household (when it was agreed that she would). But I can see the majority believe that I am being unreasonable so I shall keep my mouth closed!

How do you know she lied? You don't have access to her medical records?

And why are you living with her?

But she did have cancer

Not all gynae cancers have follow up appointments and some can be cured by hysterectomy and bso.

You need to be very careful before you start mekimg accusations.

I assumed she was lying because she lied previously about having cervical cancer. Many years ago she told me she also had a terminal brain tumour which my DH told me wasn’t true but we never mentioned it. I just find it hard to believe that she’s seen zero oncologist in this entire journey. It was all done through a private gynaecologist.

@thewealthyplatypus

I don’t know what I would hope for. I lost my grandmother to cervical cancer within two weeks of the diagnosis so it’s really hard for me not to take it personally. I worry about the impact on my children if it is one big lie. I worry about getting to the end of every month because we are absolutely broke but MIL can drop $$$ on private surgery whilst offering zero contribution to the household (when it was agreed that she would). But I can see the majority believe that I am being unreasonable so I shall keep my mouth closed!

I would focus all your energy on these things instead, yourself, your children, your finances.

Your MIL isn't your problem. If she's lied, your children will cope.