To ask you ...how would you feel if someone you lived with (who was family) lied about having cancer?

[thewealthyplatypus]

Would you ignore it, mind your own business or would you call them out? I’m finding it increasingly difficult to live with them because of this and DH says IABVU m. Hard hat ready

I have a parent that has lied about cancer diagnoses or suspicions many times, either because they feel they aren't getting enough attention or because they don't like the way a conversation is going.

It sucks. Makes you feel totally played.

If you have daughters , you need to get to the truth of it though. ovarian cancer has a heeeditary element, from father’s as well as mother’s side

There are people who do this, I guess it's a form of attention seeking.

A family member of mine was notorious for having tests for cancer all the bloody time and just "dropping" it into the conversation later.

Ironically, she did in fact die of a brain tumour, God love her.

That is hideous ms do you still have those people in your life? I have had my cervix partially removed and had investigation for a different cancer, I am not sure how I would have reacted had someone not believed me! I would be absolutely livid and I don't think I could speak to them again. The whole process of cancer is so private, personal and difficult. Anyone that choose to make it even harder would be gone from my life without exception. For good.

I hope you have since made a full recovery mshedgehog and have only caring and loving people in your life now

I think this thread is a reminder that it is really important to get shot of the types of people that clutter up your life and take up your time, that don't really give a damn about you. Even doubting that you have cancer, that really is the lowest of the low. It is unreal reading some of the posts. They sound almost jolly if someone died of a brain tumour. Disgusting.

It has made me really evaluate who is genuine in my life, so thank you for that. Sometimes we are relaxed and healthy, and forget to be mindful of the those that enter our lives that do not have our best interests at heart, or worse are actively damaging to us.

It makes me pity some of the family and friends of pp on here!
Great to be reminded that not everyone is decent or kind.

My db MIL has cancer, and secondary cancer and I will never forget him moaning that she is not being positive enough, and should do more to help herself! Some people are callous bastards.

I’ve had two people in my life claim to have cancer when they didn’t. One claimed to have untreatable bowel cancer and had several of us running round doing everything for her as she was “too ill to leave the house”, we tumbled to it when she was admitted to hospital after a minor accident - I asked the ward to ensure she was still getting her cancer meds and it turned out the “cancer” meds were vitamins. She actually did get cancer several years later (not bowel and it was, unfortunately, fatal).

The second claimed to have pancreatic cancer and only had weeks to live. Five years later another member of the family (a doctor) started asking questions and turned out that this person had reflux and nothing worse! Now they DO have cancer but currently doing well and prognosis is good.

Karma for all the worry caused to family and friends?

@thewealthyplatypus

I don’t know why they have lied. Most likely reason is attention. It is my fairly young and health MiL. She had a smear, they found precancerous cells and referred her for a colposcopy which she refused to attend. However told everyone around her that they had found cancer and she was going to die. Instead she booked in privately to get a hysterectomy. After the hysterectomy she came to me and told me that when they did the Op they found ovarian cancer which they managed to completely remove and she needs no further treatment - not even to see an oncologist. Not even for check ups. No blood tests, scans etc to determine if it had spread. It’s just a 100% cured. So although there’s a chance she’s not lying, I find it so hard to believe especially as she has lied previously.

FWIW my gran had a hysterectomy 20 years ago as she was still bleeding regularly at the age of 60, but not to the pattern of periods. They also found early ovarian cancer when they opened her up. Because they were satisfied that it hadn't spread and was indeed quite early (the bleeding wasn't caused by the cancer) she didn't have any further treatment or appointments either, other than a checkup after her hysterectomy.

I'm not saying she's not lying in your case, just that it's not necessarily a lie, as it can happen like she said.

Also, if it IS a lie I think she still needs some compassion, as you have to be really, really messed up to lie about having cancer.

Goodness OP I can see exactly why you are finding this so difficult.

I'm afraid I think you just have to be the 'grown up' and let it pass, for the sake of your own sanity.

@thewealthyplatypus

I don’t know why they have lied. Most likely reason is attention. It is my fairly young and health MiL. She had a smear, they found precancerous cells and referred her for a colposcopy which she refused to attend. However told everyone around her that they had found cancer and she was going to die. Instead she booked in privately to get a hysterectomy. After the hysterectomy she came to me and told me that when they did the Op they found ovarian cancer which they managed to completely remove and she needs no further treatment - not even to see an oncologist. Not even for check ups. No blood tests, scans etc to determine if it had spread. It’s just a 100% cured. So although there’s a chance she’s not lying, I find it so hard to believe especially as she has lied previously.

This doesn’t mean she’s lying. I know someone who has exactly the same thing. She may even get cancer in a year or two.

Sounds like you don’t like her to come to this conclusion.

If she only had the hysterectomy weeks ago, all that has to be completely healed and recovered from before any further cancer investigations or treatments would be started.

Further more, its entirely possible for cancer to be removed entirely by surgery and the patient to survive decades in full remission. Without any chemo, radiotherapy etc.

I am kind of flabbergasted at the number of people with compulsive liars in their families! I know of no one ever that lied and said they had cancer, and don't expect to.

I have known friends and family with cancer (diagnosed by oncologist, worst news given in my presence) who were in such shock and fear they were totally unable to take in, believe or remember a word of what they were told; and even "hear" the exact opposite of what their oncologists actually said. It's a stress reaction.
I advise anyone in that situation, to take a friend to their oncology /biopsy results appointment, and have the friend make written notes.Ideally, also write down any questions you want to ask (and the answers, of course).

I can't imagine a doctor would perform a hysterectomy just because she wanted one. It would be unethical. There must have been a very good musical reason for it.

Medical

I really hope this is a half-term thread.

Thing is, OP has lied about having cancer before when she said she had a terminal brain tumour.

So while it’s possible she might have (had) cancer, it’s also entirely plausible that she could be lying. Which is why lying is never a good idea because it makes you untrustworthy.

@FuckingFabulous same here. My mother pretended to have cancer to get out of supporting me through the birth of my first child (we live in different countries). Just awful. We are NC now.
Sad to hear you’ve had similar.

I’m a touch taken aback by posters urging compassion on cancer fakers. It’s cruelty of the highest order cos the trick only works on kind people. With or without a chequebook.

You’ll never know OP, the only thing you can do is change the subject brightly when it comes up 15 times an hour.

Anyhow, MIL will get cancer again in another body part shortly. You might be able to check the next diagnosis.

The MIL has lied previously about cancer diagnosis' so I can see why the OP is sceptical I think I would be too.

@Toddlerteaplease

I can't imagine a doctor would perform a hysterectomy just because she wanted one. It would be unethical. There must have been a very good musical reason for it.

Music aside The mil went to a country where things may be very different to our good old NHS and some doctors may carry out procedures that arent absolutely necessary if paid enough.

@FuckingFabulous

I have a parent that has lied about cancer diagnoses or suspicions many times, either because they feel they aren't getting enough attention or because they don't like the way a conversation is going.

It sucks. Makes you feel totally played.

My father did this I stopped listening/caring

Lady no, people don't get cancer as 'karma' what a revolting idea.

Well this is awkward. MiL now saying it wasn’t ovarian cancer but was told by the gynaecologist that it could have become cancer in the next 12 months.

She 100% told me that it was ovarian cancer and that the same gynaecologist told her she would have been dead in 6 months had she not gone through with the hysterectomy. Not too sure what to think about all of this as I am left scratching my head wondering if I’m imagining all these conversations or if I have somehow got the wrong end of the stick. I mean ultimately all that matters is she’s ok in the end. I can’t help but feel paranoid that I’ve somehow made this up in my head!

@thewealthyplatypus That does tie in with her saying pre-cancerous cells.

Could the uncertainty be a language barrier? Where is she originally from?

I often get told my relatives have had various illnesses, some severe, and as you dig it's not what they say it is in English - not because they're deceitful but it's the translation from their language to English.