To ask you ...how would you feel if someone you lived with (who was family) lied about having cancer?

[thewealthyplatypus]

Would you ignore it, mind your own business or would you call them out? I’m finding it increasingly difficult to live with them because of this and DH says IABVU m. Hard hat ready

Have read and noted the experiences of ppl up thread who have said she may be telling the truth. Just wanted to share my experience.
I had a MiL who lied about cancer (no longer with her son).
The first time she said she had breast cancer. SiL even did race for life before she was miraculously cured with no treatment. Turns out she had a lump and “panicked” telling everyone it was cancer when in fact it was benign. She only “realised her error” when her children started asking about treatment and appointments which never materialised.
The second time she said she had liver cancer. Transpired the actual diagnosis was a fatty liver and the treatment was modification to diet and lifestyle. When challenged about telling everyone it was cancer again she claimed that she was “confused” by the doctor.
After the second time it came to light she had previously lied about a different form of cancer before I met her son - right when he was due to go to Uni (her never went to support her at home).
So it does happen.

@thewealthyplatypus

I assumed she was lying because she lied previously about having cervical cancer. Many years ago she told me she also had a terminal brain tumour which my DH told me wasn’t true but we never mentioned it. I just find it hard to believe that she’s seen zero oncologist in this entire journey. It was all done through a private gynaecologist.

Tbh from what you said it doesn't sound like she actively lied about having cervical cancer. It sounds like she heard "pre-cancerous cells" and panicked thinking that she had cancer enough to go and have a major operation.

@thewealthyplatypus

I don’t know why they have lied. Most likely reason is attention. It is my fairly young and health MiL. She had a smear, they found precancerous cells and referred her for a colposcopy which she refused to attend. However told everyone around her that they had found cancer and she was going to die. Instead she booked in privately to get a hysterectomy. After the hysterectomy she came to me and told me that when they did the Op they found ovarian cancer which they managed to completely remove and she needs no further treatment - not even to see an oncologist. Not even for check ups. No blood tests, scans etc to determine if it had spread. It’s just a 100% cured. So although there’s a chance she’s not lying, I find it so hard to believe especially as she has lied previously.

So you don’t know she’s lied. She’s had a hysterectomy and says she’s been told her ovaries had been cancerous. Unless you’ve seen her medical records, or you’re some kind of cancer expert, I’d stay out of her business. It’s nothing to do with you and you would look like a right bitch if you were to be found out to be mistakenly wrong.

I had a friend who had precancerous cells treated after a smear found them. She told people she had cancer. I just let her get on with it. I didn’t have the medical knowledge or the will to contradict her.

Why the ? This is the least situation I can imagine.

I'm sure it happens, but in this instance, it's really not clear she lied. Perhaps she felt a colonoscopy wasn't enough, and presumably a private doctor would have seen those test results and agreed to do a hysterectomy on that basis. I mean no-one has a hysterectomy for the funsies and I'm pretty sure the dr wouldn't do one for no reason. I don't think you are in a position to know whether she had 'cancer' or not from the outside.

Just on a note, many doctors now refer to proliferating abnormal cells as 'cancer' because there isn't always a big dividing line when that turns 'cancerous', for example, 'benign' brain tumours are often not very benign at all and can contain more active patches (what we would traditionally think of as cancer). Other 'cancers' are very slow growing and so fairly benign in their outcomes. 'Cancer' is a very crude word for a process in the body and it can be hard to divide between cancer/not-cancer, people may not know they have cancer as well if the condition is called something else, like rodent ulcers.

I think some people are medical attention seeking drama llamas. My Mum is one and a seasoned liar as well.

She sold her routine mammogram to my brother very dramatically as 'oh they are sending me for tests for cancer', which he obviously showed concern for. Then was on the phone to me telling me how worried DB was. He wasn't as he knows her well

She has such form for over egging everything that we just nod and smile.

She actually flew to her home country (In the Middle East) so have the procedure done so haven’t actually seen her in person yet.

I’d be encouraging her to extend her stay.

Also. why on earth is she not contributing financially when she’s living with you?

That's bullshit.my mil had cervical cancer and yes she had a hysterectomy but needed check ups etc.Its shocking of her to lie about that.

@thewealthyplatypus

I don’t know why they have lied. Most likely reason is attention. It is my fairly young and health MiL. She had a smear, they found precancerous cells and referred her for a colposcopy which she refused to attend. However told everyone around her that they had found cancer and she was going to die. Instead she booked in privately to get a hysterectomy. After the hysterectomy she came to me and told me that when they did the Op they found ovarian cancer which they managed to completely remove and she needs no further treatment - not even to see an oncologist. Not even for check ups. No blood tests, scans etc to determine if it had spread. It’s just a 100% cured. So although there’s a chance she’s not lying, I find it so hard to believe especially as she has lied previously.

I would be furious.

Some people need medical conditions to make themselves feel validated. They take a tiny shread of a conversation with a doctor and create a terminal disease. It's not malicious, it's a psychological thing. Your MiL might have had an easily treatable condition (potentially cancer) and blew it out of proportion in her own mind.

My exMiL had a broken neck and 'special' blood for years. We just nodded and smiled.
Go easy on her. Take care

I think it's perfectly believable that she panicked at the smear result and found a doctor willing to give her a hysterectomy. I also think it's completely believable that they found ovarian cancer and fully removed it.

Her history of lying about a brain tumour would make me suspicious though. And separately I'd be furious if she's not contributing to the household in the way she promised.

Basically, there's plenty of reasons to dislike her, so don't choose the one with a ring of truth to it.

They don't offer hysterectomies lightly, even privately. It's major surgery.

I have a relative with a blood condition. It's not regarded as a cancer but the relative clings to journals that argue for it to be classed as such. The medication for the condition is a tablet with low dose oral chemotherapy. There are no hospital visits, no devastating side effects, no shortening of life. Thank god, but anyone reading their facebook page is given the impression of an ongoing battle with cancer - profile picture with cancer charity slogans over it, references to chemo. It's very misleading and designed to create drama and has become central to their identity. I feel ashamed for them.

I know someone who lied about having cancer to their entire family (and partner) for a year. I despise them.

@thewealthyplatypus

I don’t know what I would hope for. I lost my grandmother to cervical cancer within two weeks of the diagnosis so it’s really hard for me not to take it personally. I worry about the impact on my children if it is one big lie. I worry about getting to the end of every month because we are absolutely broke but MIL can drop $$$ on private surgery whilst offering zero contribution to the household (when it was agreed that she would). But I can see the majority believe that I am being unreasonable so I shall keep my mouth closed!

Maybe she did lie but you can’t prove it and it’s not worth trying to. You do need to address why she lives with you but doesn’t contribute though

Ilove I don't doubt it does happen, your MIL she did say she panicked and didn't have cancer, so she was not lying per se. Having cancer investigations of any kind is extremely stressful, and maybe some choose to exaggerate to get some support or panic and can not hear what is being said. However exaggerating shows a lack of support around that person in my view. I would always show support to anyone facing cancer investigations and scans, nodding along and not caring is not very nice and says more about them than anything else! Hopefully when it happens to them they will be happy to be treated in the same way.

If someone is actively lying about a life limiting disease by default they must be unwell. Mentally very unwell. It does not mean they are drama llamas or anything else, it usually means their particular anxiety presents itself in this way, and deserves sympathy and understanding and not hostility.

Functioning normal adults do not walk around telling people they have cancer, they need professional help.

I would just let it go. It's not a total lie. She may have had it, but instead of going through with it, she had everything removed. She is not claiming she has a cancer and going through the treatment etc, she just thinks she had it but being cured. No harm done for you.

It’s like the boy who cried wolf though isn’t it?

She lied before about having a terminal brain tumour which in itself is despicable. But having done that, it’s very difficult to have any credibility when you talk about having another illness, because people are likely not to believe you.

people probably already have the measure of her if they’ve already been there with the brain tumour lie, so a lot of people probably are just nodding and smiling and giving out mock sympathy while at the same time thinking that it’s probably not true anyway behind her back.

In her case I would refuse to discuss it any more. After all, she’s cured now, so it doesn’t need talking about.

And then I would put my foot down re financial contribution or tell her she needs to move out.

If I found out that someone was actively lying to friends and family about having cancer I would out them to the people they were lying to.

As for saying you’d do nothing because they “must be unwell,” this is the get-out for all despicable behaviour these days. Even if someone is mentally ill, that doesn’t give them the right to do whatever they want without challenge or consequence.

When I was 16 I lied that I was dying. I posted recently about it under a different name
My dm was absolutely furious with me barely spoke to me for 3 weeks because of the shame. My college had called my parents about it. My dm was abusive so it gave her more to use against me.
My siblings were younger so just confused
I was so ashamed

Why does she need consequences or challenging? Who are you to decide that she doesn't/hasn't had cancer? And secondly regardless why would matter? Other people's health has absolutely nothing to do with you alternative

The attitude of being 'furious' is unfathomable to me.
Unless you have personally paid for medical operations that were not needed, ran thousands of miles to raise money for her or spent hours and hours devoted to helping her - why the fuck would you care?!

You either deeply care for that person and are genuinely upset and worried for them, in that case surely the first feeling would be one of relief surely? Or you don't care in that case what difference does it make if she is ill or not ill. I find this faux fury is not helpful in either scenario.

I've been on the receiving end of the opposite, where I had cancer (quite advanced actually) but people didn't believe me...

I was really young at the time, and had a cancer that usually affects older people, so my case was very very rare. By the time it was found it had spread so I needed long stays in hospital and intense chemotherapy. But because I never lost my hair, and I would only see people looking my best, I actually had whispers behind my back that I was faking it.

It was horrific to be going through something like that and have people doubting you. Still hurts to this day.

Be sure before you accuse. Just because someone doesn't look like a cliché cancer patient, doesn't mean they aren't.

My mum pretended to have cancer for 20 yrs

@thewealthyplatypus

I don’t know what I would hope for. I lost my grandmother to cervical cancer within two weeks of the diagnosis so it’s really hard for me not to take it personally. I worry about the impact on my children if it is one big lie. I worry about getting to the end of every month because we are absolutely broke but MIL can drop $$$ on private surgery whilst offering zero contribution to the household (when it was agreed that she would). But I can see the majority believe that I am being unreasonable so I shall keep my mouth closed!

So it’s really about the money, you are cross that she’s not contributing as agreed despite having the funds?

Think you need to tackle this rather than getting upset about her ‘lying’.

i think you need to talk to your dh about her contributions sounds like shes taking the piss

could also be a compulsive liar but who knows

I know two people who had bowel cancer who were operated on and the tumors removed. They need no further treatment though I think they did have follow up check ups. Would she not have had a scan to make sure that the cancer had not spread. I have known people to have been diagnosed with cancer but when biopsied it was secondary cancer and they never found the primary.