If both your parents worked long hours...

[Spry]

When you were growing up, did both your parents work long hours? Or did you live with a single parent who worked long hours?

If so, how did you find it? And what has it meant for you in the years since then?

How much did you actually see of your parents?

Who looked after you when your parents were working late at night or if they were away overnight on work trips? What about the school holidays?

Sorry about all the questions... I'm just trying to get an honest sense of how it actually works to be the child of parents who both give a lot to their jobs.

Before we had children, my partner and I both worked v long hours (80+ a week would not be unusual) in different fields, and earned similar amounts. Since having children, he's continued working in that way and I now just work sporadically, always v part-time, to be around to look after the children (primary aged).

I feel I'm wasting my skills and all the incredibly hard work I did in building up a career and I'm obviously not earning anything like as much as I used to.

However, I just don't think it would be fair on the children to have us both working such long hours, and I would miss them.

My partner doesn't think he can cut his hours down at all. No one with any responsibility in my industry works 9-5: crazy hours are the norm.

I suspect the answer is for me to find fulfilling work in a profession with more reasonable working hours, but I'm yet to work out what that is.

I sometimes wonder though if I'm just being feeble and that I underestimate our children's capacity to manage with seeing me substantially less than at present. Other families seem to manage where both parents hold down demanding, full-time, professional jobs - I've just no idea how!

For this reason, I'd love to hear the honest thoughts of anyone who grew up in a household like this - where you didn't have a parent on hand for much of the time.

It's only my personal experience but I craved time and attention from my parents, although I can appreciate now that they needed to work to pay for e.g. the mortgage and holidays abroad.

I work part time now that I have a two year old DS. I do have a career and could easily go back to full time in the future. But for me, I want to give my son my time over and above any kind of expensive item or holiday. I have found a happy balance but it wouldn't work for everyone.

My parents both worked long hours - we had an absolutely incredible childminder who even now, I still think of as a second mum! Despite their long hours though, I never felt like I was lacking in affection/attention from my parents

We had a nanny. It wasn't great. She was quite young and inexperienced. My brother had SEN and took a lot of attention. My parents made up for this by sending me to a private school with smaller classes so I would get the attention there.

I have chosen to work part time and term time only.

My parents both worked long hours, and I never felt starved for attention at all! I was really proud of them, and it was great growing up in a house with such good role models. I still have excellent relationships with them both.

If you're not married I think you're putting yourself in a precarious position by facilitating his career growth whilst yours stalls... but that wasn't the question!

My parents were not in FT professional roles but had a 24/7 vocation and were always on call. Yes we missed out on things or rather they did when they were needed but as PP says, they put a roof over our heads and we didn't go without. They've made good choices and now provide a huge amount of practical and emotional support to us as adults which they couldn't have done without the sacrifices they made when we were younger. I don't think I fully appreciated it until I had kids however. Now, DH and I both FT in professional roles and he's a bit ahead in grade and package but we are a team and work hard together which benefits the children hugely. If God forbid the worst happened to my DH (a relative recently died young leaving a SAHM), from the example my parents set and from balancing the DC and career I could support them alone and that gives me a huge amount of comfort. Hopefully one day they will realise we choose to do the jobs we do to give them a secure life.

On the flip side, my mother gave up work when I was born (having worked while my much older siblings were young - she had me in a second marriage and my father didn't want her to work). The frustration and lack of independence made her a very resentful and unpleasant person. I think an unhappy parent is a very difficult thing for a child to cope with. If you want to work and feel unfulfilled right now, this is something to address.

Mine did - but my dad was self employed so worked long hours but could choose when. He did school pickups, after-school activities etc with us, cooked. Mum (head teacher) got home for dinner and then took over for after dinner, bath, bed while he went to his office in a shed in the garden and worked until 10pm. She would do an hour or two once we were in bed.

Both did a few hours of work at weekends but again in a shift system.

School holidays pretty straightforward since Mum was a teacher but we did normally have to go into her school for a day or two at the end of summer and entertain ourselves quietly while she did prep for the new term.

We had a nanny when we were pre-school age but they had flexibility enough given dad was ed employed to manage without once we were at school - some after school activities and lift sharing with other families etc. We did have a weekly cleaner.

Both partners need to be committed to it - not many dads did 50pc of the child care in the 80s as mine did! He was usually the only dad at school and did his share of helping with school trips/clubs. It was very unusual.

They were also fairly strict - or rather very clear on expectations - which was that when required, we needed to entertain ourselves quietly and not be annoying. Being independent was encouraged.

It was quite normal really - most middle class families where I grew up in London had two working parents. Teachers, academics, doctors, architects etc - often the mum had cut back a bit but not entirely stepped away from her career. No one seems particularly scarred by it and are mostly now married with kids in dual career families as well.

They worked very hard - not much time for their own hobbies and interests though.

To give the opposite perspective, my mum was a sahm and whilst it was great until I was 8/9, beyond that I was acutely aware of having to share a room / lack of holidays and if anything she was ‘too’ around in that she had no hobbies or interests outside of us.

It’s such a difficult balance but wanted to give an insight into the opposite :)

We had nannies (live in) and long hours in school from a young age.

I never felt it was a problem, but my family was problematic in many ways so my standards were probably quite low.

I was the only child of a single parent who worked full time. She used some a couple of lovely childminders for me and a couple of ones that I wasn’t so keen on. I missed the fact that I was never collected from school by my mum (I have a bittersweet day of the joy of seeing her there at pick up one day only to find out my grandad had died) and she often wouldn’t come to plays/sports days. It all sounds very sad but actually we were/are extremely close, had loads of fun times and I was very loved and secure. Like many kids childhoods, swings and roundabouts I guess.

My parents worked long days and one if them worked overseas a lot. They worked at night and weekends so I hardly saw them, they were in the house but working and weren't to be disturbed. I changed jobs when my eldest son was a toddler so I didn't do the same to him. I've never been close to either of my parents.

Mine worked long hours - my dad did a huge number unpaid. My mum WFH but spent a huge amount of time in her home office. Although she was around for school assemblies and such like.

I do not work long hours, and I chose a husband who would put family before work.

It wasn’t a coincidence.

@cabbagevan

My parents worked long days and one if them worked overseas a lot. They worked at night and weekends so I hardly saw them, they were in the house but working and weren't to be disturbed. I changed jobs when my eldest son was a toddler so I didn't do the same to him. I've never been close to either of my parents.

That's not clear sorry, they worked normal weekday hours plus evenings and weekends.

I know lots of parents who both work full
time.
But full time can be 38-50hrs a week.. 70hrs is loads. And if that is all out of the house then that means not seeing your kids faces at all 5 days a week..
that’s a different proposition to having two parents who juggle full time and may go in early/come out early and alternate so they do 5.30-6pm onwards every night.

Both my parents worked serious long hours and a lot of overseas travel.
I loved my childhood.
We had a nanny who is still part of the family pretty much and we are in regular touch even now I’m in my 30s
I never felt starved of attention, my DF has sadly died, but me and my mum are super close.

My mum working and being so successful meant that when my DF died we didn’t have a big change in lifestyle at all.

Materialistically it also led to us having such a nice lifestyle, several abroad holidays a year, I had ponies/horses, never wanted for anything!

Also I am so so grateful to have such a brilliant female role model as my mum. What’s she’s achieved in her working life is so impressive. She is literally the most inspiring, brave, hardworking, strong woman I’ve ever met and genuinely the most remarkable person I know and I get to say she’s my mum.

I was lonely and I missed my mum. I got home about 4pm, mum was never home before 7.30 and once I got to secondary school age I was on my own till she got in.

I had a single parent back in the days before tax credits and help for child care had even been thought about.
By the time I was in middle school my mum was working in London and we lived in the suburbs. She walked to the station at the same time as I left to walk to school. had a front door key on a bit of string tied around my neck to let myself in when I got home at 4. Mum would be home around 6. I would have started the tea so we could eat when mum got in.
I am sure if that was happening now someone would be ringing social services but it was common in the 70,s and we survived and I have always been quite self sufficient as that’s how I was bought up.

I had a nanny. I was closer to her than my parents and lots of people assumed she was my mum.
I’ve never had a great relationship with my parents, I do think this was partly to blame.

Now I’ve got my own DC I’ve decided to cut my hours down so I have a couple of days off a week. I want a better relationship with my DC then I had with my parents, even if that means not getting as far in my career as I could have.

My parents both worked in City jobs. We had a series of live in nannies. One, who luckily stayed for 5 years, was lovely. Others were less good, eg my sister was badly burned in the care of one of them (baby sat under ironing board, pulled on the flex...) and another had her boyfriend over in secret.

One parent would still see us every evening. I used to stay up late to wait for them, then would want a long conversation/cuddle. God knows what time it was when they eventually got their own dinner and bed. They didn’t have any hobbies or much of a social life. My dad fell asleep every Saturday afternoon without fail.

Financially their work gave me a great education and a lovely house in a nice area, plus a bump up the housing ladder as an adult, all of which I definitely appreciate.

My mum stopped work (made redundant) when I was about 12. She was miserable at home especially as my dad was then doing even longer hours.

Honestly I would say the best model is neither two super flat out professional parents, nor a SAHM and a full on working parent, but two parents who work but have chosen to limit their hours so they get to see their kids.

However for this model to work your DP has to be on board and it doesn’t sound like he is willing to compromise his career at all.

Are you married? If not, be very careful about sacrificing your career and earnings when he won’t do the same.

I missed my mum when I was in primary school and she gave up her job. Apparently I would cry a lot and beg her not to go and missed her a lot after school especially.

But when I reached secondary around year 9 she went back to work and I loved it. I was a latch door key kid and enjoyed the few hours before my parents came home. Also the extra money meant holidays and nicer clothes and our standard of living went up which as a teenager I was grateful for.

However the down side was I had no emotional support as a teenager and the long term impact is that whilst I am very close to my parents, I don't share anything negative with them or go to them for help with anything as I learnt to just manage and cope with my issues. I have found that hard to change.

But then as an adult I have always been happiest in my own company and lived alone for years out of choice.

Mine did long hours. I remember being at the childminder and dying to just be home on my own sofa, and later spooked and bored in the house on my own, but neither a big deal. What has driven a rift is that my parents weren’t ‘present’ even when they were present. They seemed to take no enjoyment at all from our company nor enjoy life in general. They also took no great interest in our school life. If they had enjoyed what they did, or even the life it allowed them (which wasn’t fancy but did e.g. allow them to own their own home), we’d be much closer.

Families come in all sorts of packages, and I think the key is trying to strike the right balance for you and your family.
There are benefits to having a SAHP, there are also benefits to financial security, and there are benefits to having 2 parents who are happy and fulfilled (don’t underestimate this one !)

I stopped work when my first was born, and returned to work part time once my second was in year 1, because of our family situation my DH and I organise our finances- mortgage, outgoings etc -based on 1 income, so i only work for to keep my hand in if that makes sense which gives an incredible sense of freedom !

However the down side was I had no emotional support as a teenager and the long term impact is that whilst I am very close to my parents, I don't share anything negative with them or go to them for help with anything as I learnt to just manage and cope with my issues. I have found that hard to change.

That is exactly how I am too. Nobody gets to hear anything I need help with, I do it all myself.

When I was growing up in the 50s/60s my Dad worked 3 jobs, 6 days a week 18 hours a day, I was 8 when I realised the reason why dad drove us to my nan and grandads for our holiday in Suffolk late at night and then straight back, it was because he only lost 8 working hours, my mum was nursing our other nan at home at the time so didn't work, but as soon as she could she got a job when dad was at home in bed so we were not alone in the house, I have the greatest respect for my parents my dad worked from age 14 to age 84. I am not on any benefits but I am glad families to day have some support so they don't have to work such long hours.

My dad worked really long hours - nights and weekends too.

My mum worked full time and some weekends.

They left us home alone a lot once we were in secondary school. Looking back it was pretty miserable.

We made our own dinner at eleven and rarely got help with school work. I remember being incredibly bored in the summer