If both your parents worked long hours...

[Spry]

When you were growing up, did both your parents work long hours? Or did you live with a single parent who worked long hours?

If so, how did you find it? And what has it meant for you in the years since then?

How much did you actually see of your parents?

Who looked after you when your parents were working late at night or if they were away overnight on work trips? What about the school holidays?

Sorry about all the questions... I'm just trying to get an honest sense of how it actually works to be the child of parents who both give a lot to their jobs.

Before we had children, my partner and I both worked v long hours (80+ a week would not be unusual) in different fields, and earned similar amounts. Since having children, he's continued working in that way and I now just work sporadically, always v part-time, to be around to look after the children (primary aged).

I feel I'm wasting my skills and all the incredibly hard work I did in building up a career and I'm obviously not earning anything like as much as I used to.

However, I just don't think it would be fair on the children to have us both working such long hours, and I would miss them.

My partner doesn't think he can cut his hours down at all. No one with any responsibility in my industry works 9-5: crazy hours are the norm.

I suspect the answer is for me to find fulfilling work in a profession with more reasonable working hours, but I'm yet to work out what that is.

I sometimes wonder though if I'm just being feeble and that I underestimate our children's capacity to manage with seeing me substantially less than at present. Other families seem to manage where both parents hold down demanding, full-time, professional jobs - I've just no idea how!

For this reason, I'd love to hear the honest thoughts of anyone who grew up in a household like this - where you didn't have a parent on hand for much of the time.

My Dp's were divorced, my DM married again but they didn't have shared finances so DM had a commute and never got home before 6.30 and was always very tired and stressed. It very strongly made me want to be a SAHM (which I was for a decade). I never felt like my DM was a role model growing up, but obviously now that I'm older I can really appreciate how hard she worked.

I work full time in a professional role but I’m very strict on my hours, and my employer respects that.

I often do pick ups often and never miss an assembly etc. Although I don’t help out in school.

You don’t need to do 70+ hours to be successful. I do my hours and a few more and am on a six figure salary in a male dominated industry.

Being professional doesn’t equate to long hours! Things have changed quite dramatically in a few years.

If you can’t say no to work / set parameters then I wouldn’t go back - it’s not fair on your kids.

Name changed as this is outing.

I was raised by a single parent. She had a long commute in a professional job which meant travel and long hours.

Although by long hours I mean 40-50 and not regularly much more than that.

We aren't close now but I don't think that's due to her job.

For what it's worth, I think it's not whether you have a job which makes the difference.

Firstly if you both work 80+ hours per week then the kids are barely going to see either parent, even at weekends. So I think that will probably have a detrimental impact on your relationship with your children.

Secondly, think carefully about childcare. We initially had a childminder which treated me differently than my sibling and I hated it there. We had a pre and post school nanny who was great.

I think being in our home after school made a big difference as we could relax, but that's obviously more expensive.

In 2021 post Covid, there seems to be much more flexibility in working. There are lots of jobs where you can work at home some of the time and work flexibly.

That means you aren't leaving home at the crack of dawn for work and getting home late. You can get to class assemblies and parents evenings etc.

Even being able to pick up from school once or twice a week makes a difference to children.

Being a SAHM requires a specific skill set and is not the right option for many people, so there has to be a middle ground.

For us, we've moved internationally so that my husband could take a job with limited work travel and lots of annual leave. He goes to work early so he can leave on time and gets to see the kids before bed.

I am not a good SAHM. I don't have the skill set. Unfortunately I have a chronic disease and having multiple children in quick succession and trying to work has caused a relapse. I couldn't cope with work which involved long hours and a decent commute.

However, my kids are all at school, which makes it easier, and I work 100% from home and flexibly on a contracting basis. It gives me enough headspace to make me a better parent when the kids come home and doesn't overwhelm me.

If your partner works 80+ hours every week he must have a very limited relationship with his kids. When does he even sleep?!

Of course it's possible to have a career and a good relationship with your kids, but it needs to be chosen carefully.

My parents were working class and had to work long hours (not raised in UK) so while I did miss them, it never occurred to me that it could be any different.

Had a father who worked long hours and a mum who gave up her career to raise us. I’m really grateful that we had her home. We all hated even being left with a babysitter for a short amount of time. We had some good friends who had a single mum at the very top of her industry, she was barely around and lots of nannies/boarding schools eventually. The two youngest had big problems with anxiety. They hated not seeing their mum, would scream on the phone, threaten to kill themselves if she didn’t come home, you get the picture. Both have ongoing problems as adults. Of course she provided the most fantastic lifestyle for them but what they really lacked was face to face emotional support and love. I vowed to never have children unless I could mostly be at home with them after seeing their distress.

From the other perspective my mum was a stay at home mum and was obviously bored by it all. The drudgery! I wish she had worked!

My mom always stayed home with us and tbh I took her for granted. It wasn't until she got a job when I was 8 or 9 and we started having to go to a neighbours house after school to be babysat that I realised how much I wanted my mom around. I HATED going to the babysitters!!! I'm a SAHM now too bc I saw how miserable my children having to be dragged to childcare in the mornings. Life is SO much easier and simpler now but I will 100% be going back to work and trying to build my career back up once they are older. My mom's mistake was that she never had a true career and has been stuck in low paying jobs since us kids were teenagers. She is mid-60's now without a decent pension and stuck in a physically demanding job for low pay :(

Both my parents worked. I’m not sure if you’d say ‘incredibly’ long hours but I was acutely aware that my mother had disappeared and from six my older sibling was supposed to look after me but instead resented me intensely and made that abundantly clear. So I was miserable.

Conversely I am a SAHM and am there for everything. Make of that what you will.

I think it is partly not so much what you do but how you do it. I know of older people who worked long hours and their dc have struggled academically, and they are confused because they and their partners were very competent both academically and socially and they sent them to good nurseries and schools - but I think the children didn't have the emotional support they needed. If you can work long hours and still provide the emotional support then that would make a difference.

Both my parents worked long hours, I remember walking home from primary school (about an hours walk) arriving home to nobody and making my own tea and just waiting until someone got home. It was horrible! I got dropped off at school at least an hour before it opened and I just sat on a bench waiting, I can remember it clearly. I became a SAHM because I didn’t want this for my children.

My parents both worked very long hours. Saturday we would spend with my grandmother so they could have good time together and Sundays were spent with them working on the house. When mum was home she was always cleaning. They didn't do parents evenings or watch school plays. They never came to the concerts I performed in. I met my husband when I was 14. He was at every concert to support me.

When we became parents, he started work as a postman. I did the nursery drop off and he was there to pick up at Lunchtime. I would get home just after 5.

I had a career change as the children have got older moving from civil service to working in claims. This has come with longer hours. My husband left 2 years ago. I ensure that any visits I have to make were around school pick ups or drop offs. I would listen to their days in the car on the way home and when we get through the door. I am on hand to give the children support.

They know that if they need anything they come first. It's not always easy but the three of us get along well.

Both my mum and step dad worked long hours, my brothers would walk me to school/child minders in the AM and they would get home until 2 hours after chook, we would have tea and then and hour or two and bed. Sometimes they may need to do work late at night as well.

It taught me independence, made me closer to my siblings and to appreciate how hard they worked.

Down sides were mainly how much trouble I could get up to without them knowing!

I don't resent them or feel I missed out, but I would say they made the most of times they were free. We always had a big Sunday roast and played games on the weekend

"That is exactly how I am too. Nobody gets to hear anything I need help with, I do it all myself"
But surely isn't that part if being an adult? You are capable of making your own decisions and self sufficient?
My dad was in the forces so my mum did a lot of the parenting when we were small. She worked as a lolly pop lady and then returned to work full time when we went to senior school. I think that struck the right balance - I think she was home about 4 so not stupidly long hours.
I worked part time when I had my son and my partner sometimes worked silly hours but I think we have a good balance and I am now increasing my hours by changing job but still around in the holidays..son is now a teenager so I want to be the taxi driver to know where he is!

I think some times it is easy to forget the teenagers may need you just as much as little ones and if you both work long hours you may miss subtle signs you are needed.

"That is exactly how I am too. Nobody gets to hear anything I need help with, I do it all myself"

But surely isn't that part if being an adult? You are capable of making your own decisions and self sufficient?

It depends on how much you think you should be self sufficient. Nobody knows about a very serious issue I am dealing with at the moment and nobody knows if I am struggling with anything as I never involve anybody else. My parents would be the last people I told.

I don't mean the every day stuff like paying bills and doing the housework, I mean the big, life changing stuff.

Not 80 hours a week like you but my parents both worked FT.
Dad as a director in a building firm left the house at 7am and usually only home about 7pm.
Mum left 8am home 6pm at a bank.

While it was just me they carried that on and I went to nursery and a childminder as wraparound care (the nursery finished at 5 back then, 90s), then when my sister arrived when I was 3, mum went down to 9-3. Then when we went to school she gave up work altogether.

Dad worked his way up to CEO doing 12 hour days. Mum looked after us and became quite bitter.

Now in their 50s, dad had remarried someone my age and earns £500k a year.
Mum is on furlough from a part-time bank job and makes £8k a year.

Don't give up work, please try and find an equal way of doing it.

My DF worked long hours but managed to juggle his time so I still saw him.

My DM did not work apart from short lived part time jobs that always ended because she couldnt get on with anyone. She was never around though. When she was she wasnt interested.

So I had the worse combination. Much less money than my friends with two working parents and less attention than those with a SAHM.

I've worked long hours and juggled things as a single parent because I had to. I know my DS would have preferred me at home when he was younger but I couldnt manage without working full time.

I was a latch key kid
DB and I had to do quite a lot of housework including cleaning out laying and lighting fire (showing my age)
Cooking for ourselves and when older having a meal prepared for parents
Ironing and other chores
I was a lone parent from DC being 4 and 5 but worked part time topped up by extra work running own business once they were in bed
Went full time plus some once they were at high school
I never really felt I had any other options there weren’t things like free nursery hours or before or after school clubs in those days and my parents weren’t around to help either

Latch key kid. Parents worked long hours and shifts. TBH that wasn't so much the issue as much as home life not being very stable, chaotic, lack of routine/flow - stress over child minder finding when we were younger etc. Knackered parents who when they were around after school were laid up on the sofa. Holidays were the times when we'd see them and home life wasn't great in general. So I think if you can still be engaged and provide a stable, warm homely home it can be done.

For context my parents separated at an early age and had shared custody

My Dad worked almost all hours he was awake to some extent or another but it was a home business so he was there and we always had dinner at the table together every night and stories while I was younger. But he didn’t input into my schooling or well much really and didn’t notice thing like needing new socks or whatever, and I spent a lot of time watching tv or trying not to be in the way tbh. Though I did get more space and freedom to play on my own or with my friends who were always welcome.

My Mum was the opposite she didn’t work until I was 12 and was very very focussed on me. I would have been on the special table (doubt they still call it that now) due to my dyslexia and dyscalculia instead she taught me to read, write and basic maths herself. She also inspired my love of art teaching me to draw and paint, taking me to endless galleries and my seaman, and history. All things that I’ve enjoyed well into adulthood. But it could be a bit much and never felt like I could be alone with her, it also got tricky as I got older and she wanted me to be at home with her all weekend and I wanted to be with my friends.

OP this is not answering the question you asked but I thought I'd tell you what I've found from DH and I both working long hours with a small child ie for me 70hr weeks were standard and 80+ hours happened quite often and for him about 50 hours was the norm. Apart from the fact that it is extremely difficult and you will need at least one full time housekeeper/nanny (more than one if kids are not at school or daycare and/or you have no regular family help), I think it has affected our bond with our older child. She is just more distant and self reliant - there are upsides to this but I feel sad for her that she's not closely bonded to us and has had to be so self reliant. When she was 10 and the younger child was 4, I started my own firm (lawyer) which is really a specialist consulting practice. I work very flexibly now (about 25 hours a week, max but still earn quite good money) and have a much closer bond with the younger child. My husband works flexibly too although he's still doing about 40 hours, he just has more flexibility about when he does it. Your mileage may vary, of course, just putting our experience into the mix.

If it is of interest - both me and my husband have always had demanding jobs and had nannies and au pairs for many years. We always made available whatever time was available for family. Kids now late teens and seem very well adjusted m, we have a great relationship and they do well at school / sport etc. Maybe I am speaking too soon? But we seem to have worked it out so far.

@ScissorsBike

My parents both worked long hours, and I never felt starved for attention at all! I was really proud of them, and it was great growing up in a house with such good role models. I still have excellent relationships with them both.

This basically.

They were present when with me.
My father had a manual job my mother's was office based. Any take home work was done once we were asleep.

Although as I got older I realised my dad was in fact an arsehole nothing to do with his hours though. My mum's job had more flex by the time I was 15 or so meaning she was about more.

I always found it insane at uni that every bloke I met whose mother was a stay at home was obsessed that it was the best and they wanted this and only this! for their kids

Mum was a teacher so holidays were fine but term time was hectic. Dad worked long hours and sometimes away on weekdays, only back for weekends.

We had a childminder but I really disliked her and was quite resentful. I used to be so jealous of the children whose Mums were there on the school run. A couple of times, Mum did it as she was home from school for whatever reason and I remember feeling so proud that MY MUMMY was here with me.

I swore I would stay home once I had my children so they wouldn't have to go into childcare. As an adult, I discovered I enjoy work and my financial independence so I have chosen not to have any DC.

I have a good relationship with my parents as an adult but I was quite an unhappy child at least until I was about 14/15 and was old enough to do my own thing without anyone fussing.

I have both positives and negatives to share:
Positives
-Amazing bond with grandparents who took on the childcare
-Got to visit different countries and experience different cultures
-Time with both parents was super special

Negatives
-I remember my dad being tired and I thought putting all your energy into work in this way way normal. I experienced burn out myself in my late 20s and adjusted my views.
-I feel that I grew up valuing exotic holidays, material things and big house. I found that as I got older these things don't actually make me happy. My partner and I live happily on a joint income of £1800 and I work part time as we have few outgoings and a simple life.

Good luck finding the right balance for your family X