If both your parents worked long hours...

[Spry]

When you were growing up, did both your parents work long hours? Or did you live with a single parent who worked long hours?

If so, how did you find it? And what has it meant for you in the years since then?

How much did you actually see of your parents?

Who looked after you when your parents were working late at night or if they were away overnight on work trips? What about the school holidays?

Sorry about all the questions... I'm just trying to get an honest sense of how it actually works to be the child of parents who both give a lot to their jobs.

Before we had children, my partner and I both worked v long hours (80+ a week would not be unusual) in different fields, and earned similar amounts. Since having children, he's continued working in that way and I now just work sporadically, always v part-time, to be around to look after the children (primary aged).

I feel I'm wasting my skills and all the incredibly hard work I did in building up a career and I'm obviously not earning anything like as much as I used to.

However, I just don't think it would be fair on the children to have us both working such long hours, and I would miss them.

My partner doesn't think he can cut his hours down at all. No one with any responsibility in my industry works 9-5: crazy hours are the norm.

I suspect the answer is for me to find fulfilling work in a profession with more reasonable working hours, but I'm yet to work out what that is.

I sometimes wonder though if I'm just being feeble and that I underestimate our children's capacity to manage with seeing me substantially less than at present. Other families seem to manage where both parents hold down demanding, full-time, professional jobs - I've just no idea how!

For this reason, I'd love to hear the honest thoughts of anyone who grew up in a household like this - where you didn't have a parent on hand for much of the time.

I absolutely craved love and attention from my parents. I missed them so much and I always felt that other things were more important than me and my sibling. It definitely affected me going into my teenage and adult years. Sorry that's probably not what you wanted to hear.

Both my parents worked crazy hours, to the point that I would just always see them once in a day usually when going to sleep. I learned pretty much how to be by myself growing up, I didn't hate it but I absolutely have no connection with my parents. And I have never talked about feelings or opened up my problems to them, it's really awkward sometimes having dinner with them now or visiting them as usually there is nothing to talk about.

But this doesn't mean that you're the only one who should do something about it if you want to spend more time with your kids, it has to be both of you.

Thank you very much everyone for these very helpful and thought-provoking insights.

Also I have to say I think it’s really misogynistic to say that to be a good female role model you have to have a good career. I know many amazing women who are brave, clever, strong and incredibly driven who don’t/didn’t have high earning jobs, if you judge people worthy by their ability to earn money then you are a poor judge indeed.

Apologies for the derail I know that wasn’t what the thread was about.

@TriflePudding

Also I have to say I think it’s really misogynistic to say that to be a good female role model you have to have a good career. I know many amazing women who are brave, clever, strong and incredibly driven who don’t/didn’t have high earning jobs, if you judge people worthy by their ability to earn money then you are a poor judge indeed.

Apologies for the derail I know that wasn’t what the thread was about.

Completely agree with this.

My mum wasn't a high earner but she worked long hours as a single mum. She was my everything until I got to my teens and felt more like a burden. She forcefully encouraged my independence when I really wanted a mum who was available (not necessarily all the time, but at least on her days off- her social life was extremely busy outside of work and seldom involved us). As a result, my grandma became the person I see as my mother. My mum and I have a strained relationship because she thinks I'm too independent and don't care enough about her. But I just don't have that sort of bond with her. We're trying.

I work FT, but I am going to be available for my kids until they decide to create distance and seek independence. It's healthier this way.

@TriflePudding

Also I have to say I think it’s really misogynistic to say that to be a good female role model you have to have a good career. I know many amazing women who are brave, clever, strong and incredibly driven who don’t/didn’t have high earning jobs, if you judge people worthy by their ability to earn money then you are a poor judge indeed.

Apologies for the derail I know that wasn’t what the thread was about.

I agree with this. I can't work due to care responsibilities and I'd like to think that I could still be a good role model to my children without it being completely career focused. Being a good role model can mean many things.

I feel that was directed at my post... with the specifics to my situation, if I explained what my mother did for a living it would be very outing, but as well as being well paid the philanthropic benefit was also huge. I’ve met complete strangers who’ve heard of her through her work.
I’m allowed to be proud to be related to someone who’s achievements I think are genuinely remarkable and is leaving the world a better place without being misogynistic.

Both my parents work very long hours I spent a lot of time at my grandparents which has fostered a really close relationship and also had a childminder whose own daughter I am still good friends with 30 years later.

I’m very close to both my parents and seeing what strong work ethic they had, such great role models, combined with having the income to allow a privileged childhood makes me eternally grateful.

Neither myself or my sister ever felt neglected or anything less that the luckiest children in the world.

I am relieved the new working flexibility means I will be working from home several days a week forever now so can not use before school care those days and when dc are high school be home when they come home - I might be working but can come out and say hi, and make sure they are doing homework by 5!
My mum didn’t work, but I’m pretty comfortable working. Our kids probably don’t learn enough tidying up as we are always doing that when they are in bed rather than trying to fit it into dinner bath story bed, but we do parks on the weekend, bake, games, running around and lots of free play time.

My father died when I was 4. My mum worked 3 jobs to allow us to survive. She worked 4 and a half days in one job and 1 Day in the other 2 jobs.

I saw her every evening after 5.30pm and weekends from Saturday lunchtime and all day Sundays. She worked her arse off for us and my gran and and aunt helped her out with watching us.

Weekends were precious and we always had family time.

I think good parents do what they have to for their family.

My parents both worked long hours. Both worked sunday morning, full day and regularly out in the evenings. My mother made sure to be home and available suppertime everyday. Saturday was family only time, as was sunday afternoon. My mother was a teacher and therefore school holidays were not a problem. However, my memories of childhood are not filled with the fact that they were not there - rather I remember all the fun things we did together, the outings, games and meals. My parents made sure that we had all we needed and knew that they were always available if we needed them.
As they were so busy we had a cleaner/nanny every day after school and on a sunday morning. This was so that we were supervised and all the housework was done.
Also my mother did reduce her working hours drastically when we were very little.

My mum worked nights as a nurse and my dad 6 days a week as well as running a karate school. As long as I had one of them around I didn't mind. For other times we had a childminder, we just used to watch films and colour but I quite liked her. Then my mum did a degree full time, a PGCE etc. I was always really proud.

I went very part time/freelance for a few years when the kids were born and went back 3 days when my youngest was 4/eldest 6 and now am full time again a year later. I got really fed up of being 'the part timer'

It sounds a bit like your idea of professional fulfilment is a high salary and the status of working hours. Our combined salary is around £100k a year and neither of us work more than 40 hours a week. We could if we wanted but we refuse and I refuse to work somewhere that expects me to. If we worked twice as much and earned twice as much wouldn't be at all worth it.

My husband was going to drop some hours then covid happened so it's pretty easy in a lot of ways both working full time although not at all when the schools are closed. Wasn't any easier when I was part time though.

A bit difference for us is the equality. It drove me mad at the start of lockdown that I was doing all the domestic and kids stuff while he could sit in a room upstairs and work. Now we both work and it's better balance for us and I get so much out of a job I enjoy.

Bit if your husband works 80 hours a week that's just insane, you may as well be a single parent so would be better off asking how full time single parents manage it.

My cousin is a cardiologist and married to a neurosurgeon. They have the kinds of jobs where if they’re needed in surgeries at the same time it’s possible for them both to need to stay overnight at very short notice. They worked together to mitigate the impact to kids as much as possible - if one was on a night shift, for example, the other would change to a day shift. Planned surgeries would be booked around each other. They took a lot of holiday, paid and unpaid, to spend time with the kids. But even then things weren’t perfect - I would often get a calls from my 6 yo neice’s teacher or 3 yo nephew’s nursery that they still hadn’t been picked up and it invariably turned out they were both at surgeries at the same time I took them home with me. The kids didn’t really know better and they are older now and hero worship their parents.

So I think it can be done but you really need to work together. It seems like he isn’t even willing to try because I would have thought his reducing his hours (or finding a job that allows it) would be the first step.

My parents worked long hours. We had a nanny. I don't recall feeling deprived of my parents' attention, we had plenty of time at weekends, family holidays etc.
My mum eventually ended up kicking my dad out for abusive behaviour, so thank goodness she held onto her career, otherwise she would never have been in a position to leave or to support my sisters and I. (None of us wanted to live with my dad after his behaviour during their divorce).

My parents both worked long hours and had strong careers, I really respected this as a child and it’s why I would want the same for me on life, to set this example to my children. I didn’t feel that I missed out on anything from them, I was quite independent and felt able to learn from their examples. I don’t think my emotional needs were met in any way differently to my friends who had SAHM tbh, in fact in many cases I think my parents were actually more involved.

One thing I would consider is that as an only child, if I felt my parents lived purely for me I think I would have collapsed under the pressure. I don’t want to be the entirety of their life and feel like it is up to me to provide them with content.

My parents both worked very long hours and used to bring work home to do on evenings and weekends as well. From the age of about 10 my DB would have been 12 we let ourselves in after school got ourselves something to eat, my DB would sexually abuse me (until I took to keeping a kitchen knife with me at all times) then my parents would get in at some point. Even though my two kids could come in from school and be ok by themselves until I got in from a 9 to 5 job I still work part time so I can be here for them getting in from school. I dont want them to have the same childhood as mine.

lastqueenofscotland

To be fair yes my post was directed at you,

I’m allowed to be proud to be related to someone who’s achievements I think are genuinely remarkable and is leaving the world a better place without being misogynistic

You absolutely should be proud of your mum and what she achieved in her work, but your original post read like you were saying that women have to have a successful career in order to be good role models, which I disagree with.

My parents divorced and both worked long hours.

Long days at school with after school homework club. Home alone during holidays and when home sick.

I've tried to do better with my kids, but I still work long hours, and find in order to maintain my career that I have missed out on some times with my children that I would have liked.

The advice I give to others is get great childcare, and try to get at least one school pick up per week to make sure you help build relationships with school mums and enable play dates.

But ultimately my mums working life taught me to be hard working and to enjoy my work.

One son says when he marries he wants to earn enough that his wife can stay home if they want children.

My other son says he would like to meet someone that also works hard so they can both earn good salaries.

They would both have preferred to come straight home from school and were envious of children who were able to.

My dad worked long hours and we didn’t see him much. My mum was a sahm for most of our childhood but while she was present she didn’t do much with us, it was mostly just the cooking and cleaning and getting us through school. It was more about her duty in raising us than any enjoyment in being a parent or doing fun things together. Although they did do nice things for us from time to time, there wasn’t the regular engagement that we expect these days - eg I don’t remember either of my parents reading to me. My mum regretted having us young and not being able to explore her own career, it was clearly something that saddened her. I don’t feel especially close to either of my parents now.

For myself both me and DH work full time and long hours at times but we spend a few hours every working day with the kids before bedtime, we read to them or tell stories etc. We do a lot together at the weekend. I worked very long hours when my eldest was young - at times it was 80 hours for weeks on end and while it was brutal for me, I don’t feel there was any impact on DS - DH stepped in during the periods I couldn’t manage a proper break. I still spent some time together with DS every day.

DC are still young (under 10) but we have a very close bond and enjoy each other’s company. The hours I put in during the earlier years mean I’m in a position to work less now and still have great job satisfaction and be highly paid.

I went to breakfast club and after school club. Bit shit really but weekends were nice. I also had to go to kids club at like a chain day care place and I still remember the smell of the tomato and cheese pasta they used to wheel out every day, as well as 'paste' sandwiches I still shudder when I drive past the local chain. I hated it. I was there from 7.30 -5 and it was horrible.

My dad worked long hours and regularly worked away from home. My mum was a SAHM. I'm not going to go into the full details, but it is not what I would have wanted if I had the choice.

The problem is your children won't really know any different other than the childhood they have. It won't be until they're older they will see they could have had something different, but by then it's too late really.

There is a huge difference between two parents working full time, and two parents both working 70 hours a week (which is really two people doing the work of four ). Two parents working 40 hours a week each is OK, I don't think both parents doing such long hours is a good idea in the long run.

My parents both worked long hours for a time. We had a child minder and my aunt/grandmother would be pulled in when needed. I do remember wanting more attention from my mum but there was three of us so I may have wanted more attention regardless?

I don't think it's had any major impact long term as I'm extremely close to my mum and we have a wonderful relationship. My dad - not so much - but that had nothing to do with work.

Following along as I'm in the same boat somewhat and have started applying for full time work but getting cold feet for the same reasons as you OP. Plus we don't have family help so I'm not sure how it's even possible?!

Me and my husband both work long hours, non standard hours and i do overseas trips also.

We have excellent live in childcare.
We make the most of holidays and weekends.
We don’t mind going solo, eg if husband cannot get away from work I would take children on holiday or away for a weekend and vice versa.

It works - we’re happy; they’re happy. If you back yourself and believe in the plan everyone will be fine. If you are full of resentment, guilt and worry, it wont (but you dont need to be). Good luck!

I am a single mum who works 12/13 hour shifts, my kids are use to it.