If both your parents worked long hours...

[Spry]

When you were growing up, did both your parents work long hours? Or did you live with a single parent who worked long hours?

If so, how did you find it? And what has it meant for you in the years since then?

How much did you actually see of your parents?

Who looked after you when your parents were working late at night or if they were away overnight on work trips? What about the school holidays?

Sorry about all the questions... I'm just trying to get an honest sense of how it actually works to be the child of parents who both give a lot to their jobs.

Before we had children, my partner and I both worked v long hours (80+ a week would not be unusual) in different fields, and earned similar amounts. Since having children, he's continued working in that way and I now just work sporadically, always v part-time, to be around to look after the children (primary aged).

I feel I'm wasting my skills and all the incredibly hard work I did in building up a career and I'm obviously not earning anything like as much as I used to.

However, I just don't think it would be fair on the children to have us both working such long hours, and I would miss them.

My partner doesn't think he can cut his hours down at all. No one with any responsibility in my industry works 9-5: crazy hours are the norm.

I suspect the answer is for me to find fulfilling work in a profession with more reasonable working hours, but I'm yet to work out what that is.

I sometimes wonder though if I'm just being feeble and that I underestimate our children's capacity to manage with seeing me substantially less than at present. Other families seem to manage where both parents hold down demanding, full-time, professional jobs - I've just no idea how!

For this reason, I'd love to hear the honest thoughts of anyone who grew up in a household like this - where you didn't have a parent on hand for much of the time.

My only perspective on this really is that my mum gave up and incredible career to be a SAHM (she worked part time much later) but she bitterly resented never getting her career back.

She was a good mum and loved us to bits but we were acutely aware of how much she missed working and how she felt her life had been hollowed out by it.

I do sometimes feel guilty about the amount I work (I'm a single mother so not much choice in the matter but guilt isn't rational). But that always stops me feeling too bad about it.

I also know that being at home full time wouldn't have suited me and would ultimately have made me very unhappy and long-term I don't think that's great for her.

I just wish it wasn't such a feast or famine thing. In an ideal world I'd love to have been in a marriage to someone who was prepared to give me a degree of support to step back but to allow me to keep working to some degree: it didn't work out like that and I just don't have the energy to feel guilty about it.

I grew up with just my mum. She was a nurse so worked long, unsociable hours. As that wage never covered everything she also worked in a care home. I remember she was never there. We had babysitters when she worked nights but if she started early we got ourselves up, washed, fed, dressed and to school on our own even from a really young age. We mostly came home to an empty house too. There were lots of christmases and birthdays when she was working. Sounds horrible but it definitely made me very independent and to be fair nearly every child I knew was in a similar boat living on an estate with mostly single mums. Loads of my friends had mums who worked 2 or 3 jobs. We sometimes went to neighbours for our tea.

Definitely not a bad childhood x

Decisions about your time with children don't just have to be about the child. I chose a career where it was possible to cut right back to half time when children were small because I wanted to spend more time with them. I'm not sure they cared who changed their nappies but the time when they were preschool aged and we played in the garden and trucks and playdoh were times that I enjoyed at the time and cherish now. I think those times gave me strength to work with my obstreperous 7 year old and may be the reason my 9 year old bounces back from adversity so easily - not because those times changed the children but because those times changed me as a mother. Basically don't feel guilty for turning down earning potential to do something frivolous like spending time with your child!
Don't feel bad if you choose to work all the hours and have a stellar career either, just make sure you have really good childcare in place!

My parents were both consultant doctors when I was a child and worked full time. They rarely had to work nights but it wouldn’t be unusual for one or other of them to have to go in at the weekend or at least be on call from home. During the week they left early and came home late at night like usually 8 or 9pm. I was the eldest of 3 siblings and we had a nanny/childminder/housekeeper type person who came every day to look after us.

I don’t think it affected how emotionally close I am with my parents and I still have a really good relationship with them both now. My parents made sure we had lots of family fun at weekends and on holidays, and would make time for me when they did come home eventually. I have a lot of happy childhood family memories.

I don’t think it bothered me much as a primary school aged child that my parents were at work a lot, but when I was a teenager I do remember really wishing that my mum was around more in the afternoons after school or even early evenings like 5 or 6pm rather than 8 or 9pm. I was bullied and was a bit miserable in that phase of my life and although I told my parents what was going on, I don’t think they ever quite realised quite how unhappy I was as I’d stopped crying by the time they got home from work IYSWIM. I remember being quite jealous of my cousins who had a stay at home mother.

As an adult I understand why my mum worked the way she did. She was one of the first top female doctors and that was an important role when it comes to making things better for my generation of women, and there were not the same options to work part time etc in that day and age as there would be now. So I don’t hold it against her. But honestly I could have done with her being around more when I was a teenager. I still struggle a bit with depression and low self esteem and I do sometimes wonder if part of it is that subconsciously as a child I perceived that I wasn’t important enough for my mum to stay home for (in a time where most other people’s mums were not going to work). And I think if I was growing up now I might view my mum’s choice to work full time more negatively given the different setting as there aren’t the same points to be proved for feminism etc. I’m aware that in a totally sexist manner I’m not judging my dad in the same way as my mum for working full time! I think that’s partly as it was more unusual and partly because my mum was who I really missed the most being around.

80 hours is a lot in my opinion and I personally think that there is only really room for one person in a couple to have a full on career like that if there are also children involved. It’s tricky if your career doesn’t allow for job sharing or part time working and I have no easy solutions!

I grew up in the 70s and 80s. My parents were from very poor backgrounds and had both left school by 13. We were pretty penniless during the 70s, I know they were in a single bed and I shared a cot with my brother until I was 3! Eventually my dad got a good job on the buses, and once my brother and I were in school mum started working more hours. We were latch key kids from about 9 or 10 years old. We would come home, I would make dinner for us, and mum would usually be home by 7. Dad worked shifts, I always enjoyed coming home to find him there.

The reason I mention the poor background is that my parents wanted more for us. They wanted us to have holidays, TVs in our room, and all the things they never had themselves. They weren’t high earners so they worked their arses off. Mum would take overtime, finish at 2am and sleep in the staff room as she would start again at 7am. All of this gave me a great appreciation for how hard they worked and the sacrifices they made. I knew we were loved. It also fostered a very strong work ethic and independence. We’ve always been very close, so as much as I would have liked them around more it hasn’t affected our relationship.

Working long hours doesn’t need to mean a poor experience for a child, as long as there is a strong bond and good quality time when you are together. And honestly I quite enjoyed being at home and doing my own thing! I do think it depends on the child though and whether you think they will adapt. I was quite sensible and understood what was going on, my brother was useless!

My parents took it in turns when we were young ( primary school). Either my Dad worked and my Mum stayed home, or Dad was home and studying and Mum worked. When we were at secondary school they both worked but were back by 4-5 and around a lot, and my dad often worked from home. I was very career focussed pre kids, more so than DH, but after they were born I desperately wanted to spend more time with them and so DH stepped up. We both work but I went part time after ds2 ( full time was too emotionally draining) and DH became much more ambitious and has more than made up for my drop in income. I can now be around before and after school and work in between. Working from home during Covid has added a silver lining in that the fact DH is no longer commuting means he is able to pitch in more at home too. It's teamwork. It has to be what works for you both though, and your kids. I really wanted to work part time and do the drop offs/ pick ups/ after school times etc. My Dd would probably love after school club. My Ds would prefer to be home but would be fine. I would hate it. If you want to get back to work for stimulation then you should do that. There are lots of options. Talk to your DH and see what you can figure out.

Parents worked very long unsocial hours. I never remember eating together, doing any sort of 'family' stuff and on the rare occasions we did, it was horrific because we didn't know each other.
I took many years off when I had children and now work part-time (school hours only).

Growing up my DM left the house at 7am and came back 6pm. DSF left the house 6am and returned 6pm.

In the mornings I would be woken around 6.30am and told to get my own breakfast as my mum was busy preparing for work. 99% of the time I didnt get anything so wouldnt eat until lunchtime.

I had a child minder for a few years. Lovely woman with children my age but I always felt awful being in her house. She was such a "mum" to her children and I was so jealous of her children having their mum give them breakfast and have a leisurely morning before we went off to school together. Same after school, they got home and could relax and have their mum fuss over them. I had to sit in their house for 2hrs and wait for my mum before I could go home.. Stand out memory is watching them have breakfast when I hadnt eaten and they always had the fire on. It was then even more of a sadness when we got home (to a house that had been empty for 12 hours) and it was freezing and dark. It was very long days and I swore I wouldn't use wraparound childcare for my children, and have not.

We moved to a much larger and further away house when I was 9 and it wasnt viable to use the same childminder. The house was my parents big wish and they thought we were so lucky to have it. To them it was worth all the long days and no nice treats. I hated it and missed my friends. So my mum would drop me 30mins walk from school (where our journey split between my school and her work), at 7.30am. I would get to school around 8 and hang around the playground. When I got older I would walk towards friends houses, timing it for when they left and walk together. After school my older DS would get the bus from her college and come pick me up. Most evenings she had friends with her and we would then loiter around the town centre or go to one of their houses. She knew she had until 6pm before my DM would be home.

Once we got home DM had more work to do until about 8pm. So either DS would cook our dinner (nuggets and chips etc) or I would make my own.

School holidays we would go to grandparents for the entire time. I preferred it to being at DMs though and would cry when I had to go home.

I was with a childminder from 6 weeks old, 10 hours a day, and in before and after school club every day at school. Now very independent and not very close to my parents, although I do like them. I will be taking full maternity and going part time when I have kids, as I want a stronger relationship with them than I have with my mum.

80 hours is very long, is this like a city law firm? I'd only do it if i truly enjoy the work and got compensated very richly for it. Work to live, not live to work.

I had a nanny preschool and then my grandmother for after school companionship. My siblings were much older. I had a lonely childhood and don't speak to my parents much now.

Although, i now work 50-60 hour weeks but so far seem to have a better relationship with kids. I'd love to not work but it's not feasible in my case. I think there's a lot of dual working parents these days, at least in cities anyway.

We had a nanny who we loved dearly and our parents became distant. When they split-up my mother went back to her native France and took us with her. Her parenting skills were awful and she was too quick with the back of her hand. Luckily , at the age of 14 I went to live with my grandparents on their Dorset farm. Farming is long hours and hard work but I was old enough to help them and enjoyed an outdoor life. I also had freedom and would go straight to the beach from school with my friends. My grandparents taught me so much : that success comes from hard work , you are what you eat, the beauty of the very early morning , responsibility and discipline and the love and joy if a shared life. I miss them, more than I can possibly say. I have t seen or spoken to my mother in years. I speak to my father regularly but he lives in New York so I only see him once/twice a year. I went back to work as soon as I could and there was only one nanny I wanted. She was and is still part of our family. Far more than my parents ever were.

Both parents worked full time with commutes & occasional long hours. My dad in particular took jobs where he could flex hours, rather than going for the most aggressive career option (he started at 6:30am) for years so he could be home for us relatively soon after school. We had an amazing nanny for close to 10 years. My parents also prioritized family over all else outside of work. I honestly think the thing that made it all work was that and that they had a super balanced relationship, my mums field was much lower earning, even at the peak (journalism) but that never factored into the equation, they both did what they wanted for the big parts (career choice, working full time) and made choices that allowed more flexibility even if that meant they weren’t making the most aggressive career choice, and they BOTH made that choice.

Dh’s parents worked in the City, one law, one finance, both full time, also had an amazing nanny for years & all the kids went to boarding schools, which at least two of them seemed to love.

Both of us are very close to our families (see multiple times a week, go on holiday together etc) and siblings are also close to parents. Both parents did and still prioritize family as the most important thing. Then again, all my friends mums also worked full time in professional jobs so stay at home mums seemed kind of weird growing up. I never felt like I missed my parents or they were too busy.

When I was young my father worked out of the country nine months a year, and my mum was a nurse on shift work. When I was little she tried me in a very highly recommended nursery, which I hated - too many kids, too much noise, no one who you really trusted. So I went to various childminders. This was better for me, though I still always felt that I was not quite in a secure place.

My mum was very loving in some ways but I always had a strong sense that I shouldn't bother her - there was too much to do.

My parents didn't work long hours, just normal ones (9-5) but we still had a childminder/went to friends houses after school. I hated it and just wanted to come home to my own house.

My parents both worked full time and for about 4 years when we moved away from all family. I who at the time was maybe 9 would then need to look after my brother (5 years younger ) during school holidays. Get him up and ready for school in the morning get myself up and ready for school in the morning the walk to school when I was older and went to secondary school I would walk him half way to school then go back home for my lift.

I always remember being the only kid without people there at special assembly's and sports days because they were working.

That being said it's given me a good worth ethic my parent acknowledge that they should have never put that pressure on me from a young age and when we moved back home and we were in a better circumstances they were around a hell of a lot more especially for my brother when his was younger which was good.

I have always said to my partner until our kids are in secondary school I'm happy to work 3 days a week. But I probably wouldn't work more than that x

Both my parents worked full time and I loved it. They were civil sevrants though so both worked 40 hours on the dot. I had childminders but my mother always made the days she was home special and I think that made our relationship even better. I loved my childhood and wouldn’t change it at all. My mum would have been miserable at home and I would have hated it too as she wouldn’t have been happy.

I'll tell you the flip side. I gave up everything to be with my son 24/7.

He's now an 18 year old who couldn't give less of a shit and I'm 41 with nothing to show for it.

If I could turn back time, I would have liked a life for myself, too. (I now have younger kids inc a baby so no chance).

When I say I give up everything , that's dramatic. I was doing shitty temp work in admin. I didn't have qualifications or a career.

Single mother worked full time and sometimes more. I became very independent because there wasn't extra childcare after I was about 12 (had younger brother). Emotionally not much connection but not necessarily because of just that.

My own DP works away half the week and more regular hours the other half. Most childcare falls to me. I'm also studying part time uni and another subject too. It's really hard and I feel bad because my kids almost never get the best of me because I'm exhausted. It'll change but with covid it's hard.

To be honest, I'd love to see a post on here with a father saying "I work really long hours and I need to reduce them because my work is at the expense of my DP's career and I'm not able to do my share of the child raising". more chance of seeing Peppa fly across the horizon though.

Both of mine worked full time, long hours.

I spent most of my childhood stuck in childcare. Breakfast club from 8am, after school club until 6pm everyday, the same during the school holidays.

I hated it and was really resentful of my friends who got to evenings and holidays at home with family or their parents.

I would never do the same to my child.

A very interesting thread OP thank you.

My parents both worked full time in professional careers, a teacher and accountant, but certain not some of the hours you see here. They both went out 7.30ish, dropping me at breakfast club on their way, until I was old enough to get the bus to school for secondary. Dad used to get home at 7,8 ish, mum would be home at 5ish but would often have dinner with us then go and teach am evening class.
I would come home from school and do my homework, get the dinner ready (nothing complicated) during secondary school, then dad would be home in time to look after us for the evening, or sometimes in time for dinner. As a primary school child, I went to a childminder who was wonderful, and gave us idyllic childhood experiences.
I never felt hard done by, there was always someone at our evening performances/parents evening/open days etc, or grandparents at day time events in primary school - assemblies, sports day, that kind of thing.
Both of them working gave us luxuries as well as family security - holidays, scouts, sport and have continued to help us into adulthood, e.g. wanting to pay for the carpets in our renovation, a chunk off the mortgage etc. This also means we can give our own children the life we had as children. DHs parents were very similar.
I'm on maternity leave at the moment, but will be going back full time as it's the best thing for our family, but this is tempered by the fact that I can WFH more than half the week even in normal times, DH working shifts and wonderful grandparental support.

If you don't need to work long hours then don't. They are only kids once and for a short time. If you have to then you must. They will understand

Oh, I should add that when we were all at home, our parents doted on us. We were never short of any attention or unconditional love.