Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Should I step in and talk to my Aunt

132 replies

sassysuspenders · 15/02/2021 13:47

Okay, this has left me reeling and I'm still uncomfortable. But I'll try and make it make sense.

My Aunt is the youngest of my Dad's siblings, she's in her forties and she has three lovely daughters aged between 8 and 17. She recently met a guy well into his sixties and they all came around yesterday to see me (My Aunt is in my social bubble because my parents are too far away)

My youngest cousin asked if she could go to the bathroom, I said she could - She knows where everything is and off she went, but when she came back my Aunt's partner asked her to sit in his lap. The poor girl said no four times and each time my Aunt said "Dont be silly, sit in his lap and have a cuddle" My cousins are not cuddly girls. At all, they give brief hugs but they like their own independence

I pulled my Aunt's partner aside and said "I dont like how you're so insistent on having my cousin in your lap. Please stop" and he got huffy, he said he was their Dad (He's not, their Dad divorced their Mum a few years back and he sadly passed away a year ago after a battle with Cancer) and that he could do what he wanted, I mentioned how he was old enough to be their Granddad and he got offended

Alarm bells went off in my head with how he was acting and now Im scared for those girls. Especially my youngest cousin

WIBU to talk to my Aunt, or just tell my parents what's going on. My Aunt is more likely to tell my Dad if something is wrong. I can't shake the feeling I have, it's probably because I myself was abused as a child by a friend of the family. I have an uncomfortable feeling in my gut and its making me sad - That and pregnancy hormones combined I'm honestly a wreck

OP posts:

AlternativePerspective · 15/02/2021 17:05

Wow, I assumed the Covid police would manage to skip a thread about paedophilia but clearly my faith in humanity was misplaced. And if the COVID police had actually bothered to look at OP’s previous posts, they would have seen that she is single and has written about her ex. So is entirely permitted to have a bubble.

GCmiddle · 15/02/2021 17:06

If this is how he is behaving in front of other people, imagine what he is like when there is no one looking! It is very worrying indeed.

BeautifulStar · 15/02/2021 17:06

YANBU he sounds like a creep. Your aunt has a responsibility to stick up for her daughters, not facilitate his creepy behaviour - even if it is “innocent”. The “I’m her dad” comment is just wildly inappropriate and weird.

Have you spoken to the oldest dd about what she thinks of him?

partyofsixteen · 15/02/2021 17:09

That would definitely make my spider senses tingle. This is very suspicious behaviour from him. Your auntie sounds completely oblivious to any risk. If you’re concerned I would report this to the police and children’s social care. They can do checks on this guy. Obviously they won’t tell you the results, but if there there is already info there about him of concern, they will do something about it. I would also try and have a chat with your cousin and make sure she knows she can come to you if she needs to. I would be very worried too if I were you.

christmasathomeagain · 15/02/2021 17:26

Talk to your cousins, reaffirm their right to say no to any request that makes them uncomfortable and that they can also discuss anything with you and you will always be on their side and believe them.

I would mention to your aunt that his repeatedly asked for physical contact with a child who clearly wasn't comfortable and saying no was inappropriate and set alarm bells ringing. Remind her we all have a right for body autonomy and there should always be consent to physical contact and it is her job to ensure her daughters no this.

CheesyWeez · 15/02/2021 17:28

I think we need to give children phrases they can use in uncomfortable situations.

Children need to know that if anyone touches them it is okay to jump up and say very loudly "No!"

We practised this with the children when I was doing some childminder training. It helps prevent the freeze response.

We sang a song that went something like "My body is my body. Your body is your body. You don't touch mine".

I wish someone had taught me this when I was a child/teenager.

CatNoBag · 15/02/2021 17:34

Even if he does consider himself 'her dad', it's wrong to be telling a girl to do something physical like sit on your lap when she's already said no once, let alone four times. What happens when she's being pestered for a hand hold, or a kiss, or something else by a boy in a few years. She needs to be confident that she's allowed to say no, and that having said it once it's not negotiable. Her body, her decisions, she knows her own mind.

Londonmummy66 · 15/02/2021 17:37

I would definitely have a conversation with NSPCC or Childline and take their advice. Also, if you know where the youngest DN goes to school you could ring and speak to the safeguarding officer and just explain what happened and give a heads up in case she mentions anything at school - just so that they know to think twice about anything unusual that she might say or any behavioural changes - given she is presumably not in school at the moment she is probably a lot more vulnerable to this man.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 15/02/2021 17:37

I would be very direct with your aunt and say that it is not normal for a man to insist on an 8 year old sitting on his lap, and that even if the request is innocent it is not good practice from a safeguarding pov to EVER encourage a child to do more than they feel comfortable with when an adult asks them for physical contact.

And it isn't normal for a man to say he is their Dad in a recent relationship.

And yes, speak with your Dad.

How close are you to the 17 year old?

I would call the NSPCC helpline for advice.

Somersetlady · 15/02/2021 17:42

Yes step in and talk to your aunt.

Calmly and kindly explain how what you saw worries you.
Point out you are not accusing anyone of any wrong doing other than asking the child to sit on a knee when she does mot want to.

I went through a terrible abuse situation last year with my own children and a family member.

Mumsnet was brilliant and I am forever grateful to those who advised and supported me.

Like you i was worried about even asking the question. I am so glad I did as i took my children away from harm.
Please do the same for your cousins.

PinkyParrot · 15/02/2021 17:47

What is his relationship with his own family - does he have children, is he close to them. Does he have siblings, nieces nephews?

What is his job?

Standrewsschool · 15/02/2021 17:48

The aunt is in her 40s, not 80s. Jimmy Saville et al - she should know it’s wrong. You can’t excuse her actions by her age.

I’m guessing she’s enjoying his attention after being a single mum, so wants to placate him (a pure guess).

mumwon · 15/02/2021 17:51

If he does this & acts like this in public what the heck is he like in private? What else might he do?
I am rather older than 40 but there is no way in hell I would force a child to sit on adults lap if they didn't want too
(Father Christmas? but that is so public etc)

TheCrowening · 15/02/2021 17:54

I am a social worker OP. Massive red flags here. Please do report this to your local multi-agency safeguarding hub. Speaking to your aunt won’t resolve it as she is colluding in his weird behaviour and is unlikely to see anything more sinister going on.

Blindstupid · 15/02/2021 18:02

I watched a documentary and a trait was to do minor things in public (knee sitting etc) as it shows the child it’s normal, then further down the line the child thinks they won’t be believed as the adults all saw the ‘normal’ behaviour and were ok with it.

Not sure I’ve explained properly but hopefully you’ll get what I mean.

Those saying don’t tell aunt etc ... makes sense, I’d not even thought of it that way.

Definitely report officially, worst that can happen is all is ok and you’ll feel a bit awkward for a while.

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 15/02/2021 18:02

Could you call him out in a semi-subtle way - something along the lines of while there maybe nothing sinister going on, she needs to be teaching the girls that if they say no, anyone and everyone needs to respect that. And perhaps this guy might not be aware of that due to him being a slightly (ahem) older generation?

PinkyParrot · 15/02/2021 19:06

The fact the 8 year old stood up against the pestering suggests that this wasn't the first time

ktp100 · 15/02/2021 19:33

I'd have to have a word with Aunt, I think.

I'd go from the angle of if they mention it at school they could end up with SS on the doorstep and that really she should be teaching the girls that they are allowed to say no to any and all physical contact they don't want.

That would really creep me out too.

Amberleaf12 · 15/02/2021 19:37

Call SS and just let them know what’s going on and how you feel and how the girl reacted (saying no 4 times) and what the mother said.

Just have it logged . Give the girls the opportunity to be protected . Please.

Keep in touch with the girls and make sure they’re okay.

I know someone who called SS just to notify them due to a bad feeling they had with no actual evidence.
The kids are now in foster care.

Just follow your gut please.

TheSoapyFrog · 15/02/2021 19:51

Don't bother speaking to your aunt. She doesn't see anything wrong with his (and her own) behaviour. If you speak to your dad, he'll probably want to speak to her and they'll be on alert and come up with cover up stories and maybe even threaten the girls into silence.
I would just call NSPCC or social services and let them deal with it. I don't like the sound of this at all .

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/02/2021 20:08

I worked in child protection for years.

This bloke's behaviour has red flags all over it. If he hasn't assaulted them, he's probably building up to it.

I wouldn't speak to your aunt... Not at the moment... She's too keen to shoe horn this dodgy bloke into their lives.

Please ring social services first thing. Id also ask for a Sarah's law disclosure from the police.

Also please remember, even if he is not known DOES NOT MEAN HE Is NOT DODGY... Just that he has been clever enough not to be caught.

You're doing the right thjng and protecting your little cousins.

MollysMummy2010 · 15/02/2021 20:58

I came on to agree with @mumwon to say if he is prepared to do this in front of you what will do in private? You have to do something, hope that you are wrong but in case you aren't you have to. I can't believe your aunt is so desperate for a relationship that she would overlook this behaviour.

Squiffany · 16/02/2021 10:02

@TheSoapyFrog

Don't bother speaking to your aunt. She doesn't see anything wrong with his (and her own) behaviour. If you speak to your dad, he'll probably want to speak to her and they'll be on alert and come up with cover up stories and maybe even threaten the girls into silence. I would just call NSPCC or social services and let them deal with it. I don't like the sound of this at all .

I agree with this poster.

custardbear · 17/02/2021 05:20

Any update OP?

amoobaa · 18/02/2021 09:40

@sassysuspenders Just checking in to see if there’s an update... have you reported this OP? Hope you’re ok. This thread hasn’t left my mind.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6