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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I step in and talk to my Aunt

132 replies

sassysuspenders · 15/02/2021 13:47

Okay, this has left me reeling and I'm still uncomfortable. But I'll try and make it make sense.

My Aunt is the youngest of my Dad's siblings, she's in her forties and she has three lovely daughters aged between 8 and 17. She recently met a guy well into his sixties and they all came around yesterday to see me (My Aunt is in my social bubble because my parents are too far away)

My youngest cousin asked if she could go to the bathroom, I said she could - She knows where everything is and off she went, but when she came back my Aunt's partner asked her to sit in his lap. The poor girl said no four times and each time my Aunt said "Dont be silly, sit in his lap and have a cuddle" My cousins are not cuddly girls. At all, they give brief hugs but they like their own independence

I pulled my Aunt's partner aside and said "I dont like how you're so insistent on having my cousin in your lap. Please stop" and he got huffy, he said he was their Dad (He's not, their Dad divorced their Mum a few years back and he sadly passed away a year ago after a battle with Cancer) and that he could do what he wanted, I mentioned how he was old enough to be their Granddad and he got offended

Alarm bells went off in my head with how he was acting and now Im scared for those girls. Especially my youngest cousin

WIBU to talk to my Aunt, or just tell my parents what's going on. My Aunt is more likely to tell my Dad if something is wrong. I can't shake the feeling I have, it's probably because I myself was abused as a child by a friend of the family. I have an uncomfortable feeling in my gut and its making me sad - That and pregnancy hormones combined I'm honestly a wreck

OP posts:
Servalan · 15/02/2021 16:06

I'm in my late 40s and I was always brought up to think that refusing physical contact with "family friends" was rude and hurt their feelings. I think a lot of girls my age were brought up with this message, and maybe that's the conditioning your aunt had.

I am fortunate that the creepy hugs I was forced to endure never escalated beyond the point of just feeling very uncomfortable. I know not everyone was so lucky Sad

I have seen people my age say stuff to their kids like "don't be silly, give your granddad a kiss", which makes me cringe. There's lots of conditioning in this attitude unfortunately.

Your cousins are very fortunate to have you in their lives looking out for them

gettingfedupagain · 15/02/2021 16:07

@giletrouge

What everyone else said plus where is the children's father, can he be alerted? Don't do nothing, you're right to be upset about this.
Read the OP!!
Standrewsschool · 15/02/2021 16:10

Yuk. Firstly for new partner asking cousin to sit on his lap, and secondly for not respecting her when she said no.

Sorry, can’t give you advice on how to go forward but your spidery senses are warning you for a reason.

AlternativePerspective · 15/02/2021 16:23

I agree with PP that it could be that the aunt has been conditioned to believe this behaviour is ok because of the time she was born in. That doesn’t make it ok but it could explain her response, and might not have anything what so ever to do with her enabling his abuse etc.

IMO it’s also possible that she is so desperate for her children to accept this man that she is putting undue pressure on to them.

And he is desperate to assert his place in the children’s lives because the closer he is to the children the more he can state his place as “their dad.”

I would speak to your dad assuming you have a decent relationship with him and he is likely to listen.

I would also speak to SS, although if he isn’t on the SOR there is sadly unlikely to be much they can do about it.

He sounds like a creep, and maybe your dad can make your aunt appreciate that this isn’t ok.

zafferana · 15/02/2021 16:26

Agreed it's completely inappropriate and creepy and the fact that he doesn't know this and doesn't understand how this behaviour (if innocent), could be misconstrued suggests he doesn't pay much attention to changing social norms and attitudes.

Does he live with them? How long has he been your Aunt's DP? Do the DC treat him like he's their dad? I think I'd sound out the DC first, if I were you, but I definitely wouldn't shy away from talking to your Aunt as well and good for you for talking to the DP straight away.

zafferana · 15/02/2021 16:30

I agree with PP that it could be that the aunt has been conditioned to believe this behaviour is ok because of the time she was born in

I'm in my 40s and the Aunt should DEFINITELY know that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable - even back in the mists of the 1980s and 1990s there was widespread knowledge of what were often called 'dirty old men'.

Parvathi · 15/02/2021 16:31

Keep them away. protect them and yeah that is inappropriate no matter how innocent it seems or how old they are and yes use your gut instinct.

girlwhowearsglasses · 15/02/2021 16:31

Oh this makes me feel a bit sick.!

The more I hear stories like this the more I remember the male relatives in 1980s social circle tickling little girls and having them on their laps. The more I think about it the more I HATE the tickling thing. I have young DSs and thy don't like tickling - but if I had DDs I think I'd feel even more strongly. I know this isn't tickling so I don't want to derail but I think you've had great advice in the 'offer non-specific support to the kids' and ringing NSPCC. You want to remain in the confidence of the aunt.

Levirandal · 15/02/2021 16:37

I really don’t like the sound of the bloke. Significantly older, pushing that he is their dad when he’s not and then the forcing of sitting on laps. No. Just no. I ask my kids to say goodbye to their grandparents but they don’t have to hug or kiss if they don’t want to. Their body, their choice. Could you talk to the 17 year old? I’d also talk to your dad as well. Your aunt will probably minimise the behaviour and brush it off.

GloGirl · 15/02/2021 16:38

As I'm reading this it feels like your instinct is telling you the children are not safe - and when you try to minimise those thoughts, you draw on your background to explain how and why you see that behaviour as more sinister than others.

I can't help but feel that your first thoughts are right, your instinct was spot on and his behaviour afterwards showed that he wasn't having an appropriate response.

I agree with the above comments to speak to your parents, not to your Aunt and to keep communication open with your nieces. A Friday night girls night sounds like a great excuse about now for a bit of space. Remind them that they can always talk to you.

Unsure about police or social services but if you have his information they can always give it a cursory check - any history of sexual violence should flag further involvement.

You mention abuse by a family member, was your Aunt at risk? Is she vulnerable now because of that too I wonder?

GloGirl · 15/02/2021 16:39

PS - good on you for advocating for them so forcefully. I probably couldn't have done the same but you were a great voice for them.

user234987653 · 15/02/2021 16:40

This is 2021. Anyone in their 60's currently is well aware of the creepy connotations of "come and sit on my lap little girl/boy". So is anybody in their 40's so what the hell is your aunt thinking and seeing here. No individual is going to be like this for fear of looking like a pervert. For heaven's sake, there have been so many cases of good decent people who will not even approach a clearly lost child to provide assistance for fear of being accused of trying to sexually exploit the child, let alone demanding an unrelated child sit on their lap.

Too damned creepy for words.

The "I'll do what I want" is extremely concerning too.

Parvathi · 15/02/2021 16:41

So true,

user234987653 · 15/02/2021 16:47

it could be that the aunt has been conditioned to believe this behaviour is ok because of the time she was born in.

Erm, what?

The aunt is nearly the same age as me and I was certainly educated about perverts and what we now call "overstepping boundaries". I was never told to sit on men's laps nor give into any other physical demands, the exact opposite actually.

So, sorry, don't know where that idea is coming from.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/02/2021 16:47

As others have said, get advice, report. Say nothing more to the family or your parents. And Sarah’s law request. Poor girls. Even if he isn’t actually a child abuser, he has no respect for them.

Folklore9074 · 15/02/2021 16:50

Good for you on calling him out on his odd behaviour. Yes speak to your parents. Don’t accuse him of anything but just state what happened and that you are concerned. And stay vigilant.

Coconutfatfeast · 15/02/2021 16:50

You need to report this to social care. Your aunt isn’t a protective factor, she is minimising the potential risk to her children.

Nanuki · 15/02/2021 16:51

Don't speak to anyone and report it.

Discussing it may give him a heads up (more of one than he already has) to conjure up cover stories.

whatsleep · 15/02/2021 16:52

It’s also possible that he has been grooming your aunt just to get your the children. a very scary situation. Please report quickly as you have already challenged him, he might now become more brazen with his behaviour.

user234987653 · 15/02/2021 16:53

To add to my previous post.

I am late 40's.
I was born in the 1970's not the 1870's.
Raised in the 1980's which was very much about women telling men to shove their misogynistic entitled attitudes up their collective arseholes.

loobylou10 · 15/02/2021 16:59

Wow, I assumed the Covid police would manage to skip a thread about paedophilia but clearly my faith in humanity was misplaced.

Me too! Covid police are getting right on my nerves now. Fuck off

Aaaaaah · 15/02/2021 17:00

Out of interest , where / how did she meet this man ?

MeridianB · 15/02/2021 17:01

This is chilling. This horrible man and your aunt are not putting your niece first.

I wouldn’t hesitate to call NSPCC for advice on how to proceed.

Hollywolly1 · 15/02/2021 17:01

You say your aunt only recently met this man??and he wants them sitting on his lapConfusedConfusedHmmyes you are right alarm bells would be ringing loud and clear

TheCraicDealer · 15/02/2021 17:01

Report, report, report. Do not try to manage this situation yourself, there's a real risk you could just end up making him more careful or threatening the girls if he is up to something sinister.

In the meantime I'd do what I could to foster a relationship with your cousins independently of your DAunt. If you can start texting the older one and meeting up for walks etc that would give her a route to speak up about her concerns if she needs to.