Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I step in and talk to my Aunt

132 replies

sassysuspenders · 15/02/2021 13:47

Okay, this has left me reeling and I'm still uncomfortable. But I'll try and make it make sense.

My Aunt is the youngest of my Dad's siblings, she's in her forties and she has three lovely daughters aged between 8 and 17. She recently met a guy well into his sixties and they all came around yesterday to see me (My Aunt is in my social bubble because my parents are too far away)

My youngest cousin asked if she could go to the bathroom, I said she could - She knows where everything is and off she went, but when she came back my Aunt's partner asked her to sit in his lap. The poor girl said no four times and each time my Aunt said "Dont be silly, sit in his lap and have a cuddle" My cousins are not cuddly girls. At all, they give brief hugs but they like their own independence

I pulled my Aunt's partner aside and said "I dont like how you're so insistent on having my cousin in your lap. Please stop" and he got huffy, he said he was their Dad (He's not, their Dad divorced their Mum a few years back and he sadly passed away a year ago after a battle with Cancer) and that he could do what he wanted, I mentioned how he was old enough to be their Granddad and he got offended

Alarm bells went off in my head with how he was acting and now Im scared for those girls. Especially my youngest cousin

WIBU to talk to my Aunt, or just tell my parents what's going on. My Aunt is more likely to tell my Dad if something is wrong. I can't shake the feeling I have, it's probably because I myself was abused as a child by a friend of the family. I have an uncomfortable feeling in my gut and its making me sad - That and pregnancy hormones combined I'm honestly a wreck

OP posts:
yvanka · 15/02/2021 15:05

Wow, I assumed the Covid police would manage to skip a thread about paedophilia but clearly my faith in humanity was misplaced.

ginnybag · 15/02/2021 15:10

No, you're alarm bells are ringing for a reason.

It wouldn't be okay for him to insist on the girl sitting on his knee like this if he was her dad. Children have a right to boundaries and to say who does and does not get to touch them - including their own parents.

Given he's not..... very iffy.

Talk to your dad, consider reporting it. If there's nothing, then you can apologise, but if there is, you'd be saving these girls a world of pain.

custardbear · 15/02/2021 15:13

This is very grim - seek advice before you speak to your aunt, childline maybe or social services perhaps better

Aaaaaah · 15/02/2021 15:18

Ring SS, NSPCC or childlike. Get professional advice. Don't try and question the children.
He has crossed the line
I get so cross when children aren't listened it in these situations. It takes courage for a child to say no to an adult
They are lucky to have you in their life

CookieClub · 15/02/2021 15:19

Aunt said "Dont be silly, sit in his lap and have a cuddle"

Your Aunt is part of the problem here. She needs to realise she can't insist her children do anything they are uncomfortable with, they have every right to decline what they do and don't participate in. Shock

CookieClub · 15/02/2021 15:21

@Aaaaaah

Ring SS, NSPCC or childlike. Get professional advice. Don't try and question the children. He has crossed the line I get so cross when children aren't listened it in these situations. It takes courage for a child to say no to an adult They are lucky to have you in their life
Absolutely. When I was little we had a step-uncle who was very much into tickling us...I hated it then, it made me uncomfortable and still hate being tickled to this day. And we still refer to him as a nonce [behind his back, obviously] Children know when they're not comfortable with someone and that needs to be respected.
shufflestep · 15/02/2021 15:26

Report to social services immediately. Do not talk to family members about it, other than possibly making sure your cousins know that you will always have time to listen to them. But no leading questions, no discussion with your aunt - that way things can get hidden and covered up. Report.

WhySoSensitive · 15/02/2021 15:31

Your aunt is enabling?
I never make my children sit/kiss/hug anyone they don’t want to abs equally I’d never force nieces/nephews to hug or kiss me if they didn’t want to. A parent making them is cruel!

I remember as a child being forced to and it’s incredibly uncomfortable.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/02/2021 15:32

Yeah that has alarm bells ringing all over, we shouldn't ignore or instincts in things like this

TheCatThatGotTheCream · 15/02/2021 15:33

I would maybe contact the NSPCC to discuss how best to deal with this situation. They can help you formulate a conversation to have with the kids ie how to broach the subject etc. Your aunt is also the problem, encouraging the girls to forfeit their bodily autonomy.

seashells11 · 15/02/2021 15:34

Your aunt is a huge cause of concern here. Encouraging her 8 year old daughter to go sit on a man's knee, putting him first above her daughters safety. Appalling and very concerning.

Coughsyrupsucks · 15/02/2021 15:38

She’s a woman in her 40s and doesn’t realise how inappropriate his behaviour is?. Really?? No woman I know in her 40s would encourage/berate her child to sit on someone’s lap and ‘cuddle’. It sounds like she’s a massive part of the problem. Most of us that age had the creepy ‘uncle’ who’d do this shit and for some of us it ended very badly.

I suspect if you confront her she’s going to minimise it, and cut you out of seeing your cousins. Phone the NSPCC for advice, Talk to your parents, make sure your cousins can contact you and keep the lines of communication open with them. They are going to need you.

Ellie56 · 15/02/2021 15:39

when she came back my Aunt's partner asked her to sit in his lap. Shock Shock

The minute I read this the alarm bells sounded.

Don't speak to the children or anyone in the family. You could muddy the waters. If you are in the UK contact the NSPCC asap.

www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/spotting-signs-child-abuse/

Snowwaiting · 15/02/2021 15:40

I would report and seek professional help rather than speaking to family about it at this point . My mother had a friend that I was very uncomfortable about - she didn’t listen to me

Theworldisfullofgs · 15/02/2021 15:44

I think this is v concerning, particularly his response. At best it's controlling at worst its something more sinister. I echo other's advice to get professional input.

C152 · 15/02/2021 15:45

You should definitely say something; that is totally inappropriate behaviour on the part of the your Aunt's boyfriend.

I don't think there's any excuse but, even if he came from a 'cuddly' family, once a child says no once, you don't badger them. And your aunt is either being wilfully blind or just doesn't realise that what her boyfriend is doing is totally wrong and potentially child abuse.

WolfHunter · 15/02/2021 15:51

I'd contact the NSPCC too. It's fucking weird and quite rightly your alarm bells are ringing.

Your poor nieces. He is a new partner and acting highly inappropriate. Who would want to sit on the lap of a creepy old man that lets face it you have no relation to yet. He is a new partner and not their dad or been around long enough to be seen a fatherly figure. He is in a relationship with their mother. Their dad has pass away not really that long ago. How confusing and scary for them.

They are very fortunate to have you looking out for them.

TheyIsMyFamily · 15/02/2021 15:53

It's very worrying and you need to flag it up.

Contact the police as others have said, Sarah's law.

The safeguarding team at their school might also be a way to go.

Mrsbrownsgargoyle · 15/02/2021 15:54

"I can do what I want" is pretty much what Saville said.

Servalan · 15/02/2021 15:56

I agree with those saying NSPCC first - then possibly social services depending on what they say - or let them report to social services.

If your aunt lacks the awareness of how creepy her partner's behaviour is, I can't imagine talking to her will give her a lightbulb moment. People generally don't enjoy unsolicited parenting advice, so you may find her getting defensive and distancing you.

Thank goodness you've spotted these red flags and are in a position to get agencies to look into it.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 15/02/2021 15:57

Red flags. I remember my skin crawling at creepy men finding excuses to touch me when I was a child. She said No four times, ffs! Affection is fine, but this goes way beyond.

BUT BUT BUT - I was usually too embarrassed or ashamed to stand up for myself. I also tried to convince myself it was innocent, when it wasn’t. This caused me long-lasting psychological problems around boundaries and entitlement. Please, please don’t let that happen to her.

saraclara · 15/02/2021 15:58

Another one suggesting you call a helpline before saying anything to your aunt or the children. Ask what you should do, and work from there.

If the relationship is recent, him calling himself the children's dad is making me squirm.

diddl · 15/02/2021 15:58

He's their dad & can do what he wants??

And your Aunt is so deperate to be with him that she'll willingly offer them up?

I hope at least that he hasn't moved in yet.

She also sounds as if she wouldn't believe her daughters if they did tell her anything.

AThousandStarlings · 15/02/2021 16:01

Get advice. Use the NSPCC or another charity that works in this area - they can help guide you, explain behaviours and patterns you need to look out for etc - it can be anonymous.

AliceMcK · 15/02/2021 16:03

Report it, to your parents and nspcc, social services, police, don’t ignore your guy instinct. If your wrong your wrong but it’s better to be wrong than right. You can get over being wrong but would never forgive yourself if your right.

Your aunt forcing her daughter to sit on his lap is not a good sign, I would not even approach her as behaviour is also very inappropriate.

Swipe left for the next trending thread