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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I step in and talk to my Aunt

132 replies

sassysuspenders · 15/02/2021 13:47

Okay, this has left me reeling and I'm still uncomfortable. But I'll try and make it make sense.

My Aunt is the youngest of my Dad's siblings, she's in her forties and she has three lovely daughters aged between 8 and 17. She recently met a guy well into his sixties and they all came around yesterday to see me (My Aunt is in my social bubble because my parents are too far away)

My youngest cousin asked if she could go to the bathroom, I said she could - She knows where everything is and off she went, but when she came back my Aunt's partner asked her to sit in his lap. The poor girl said no four times and each time my Aunt said "Dont be silly, sit in his lap and have a cuddle" My cousins are not cuddly girls. At all, they give brief hugs but they like their own independence

I pulled my Aunt's partner aside and said "I dont like how you're so insistent on having my cousin in your lap. Please stop" and he got huffy, he said he was their Dad (He's not, their Dad divorced their Mum a few years back and he sadly passed away a year ago after a battle with Cancer) and that he could do what he wanted, I mentioned how he was old enough to be their Granddad and he got offended

Alarm bells went off in my head with how he was acting and now Im scared for those girls. Especially my youngest cousin

WIBU to talk to my Aunt, or just tell my parents what's going on. My Aunt is more likely to tell my Dad if something is wrong. I can't shake the feeling I have, it's probably because I myself was abused as a child by a friend of the family. I have an uncomfortable feeling in my gut and its making me sad - That and pregnancy hormones combined I'm honestly a wreck

OP posts:
Snowymcsnowsony · 15/02/2021 14:31

Do you know his full name op? Google him.
Some years ago I had a ddog needing a one (not my ddog).. A respectable seeming man was in contact for several weeks. Seemed a good fit for ddog.
Until I Googled him. Let's just say I blocked him immediately..
Failing that I would give what info you have to social services..

dani3 · 15/02/2021 14:32

I don't like the way he asked her 4 times, she clearly didn't want to. I also don't like the way he said he could do what he liked when challenged. If you give him the benefit of the doubt, if you'd said that to him and he was genuine he would surely be horrified and embarrassed that someone jnterpreted his actions that way? I think definitely raise with your parents and speak to your aunt

Footle · 15/02/2021 14:32

OP, don't try to question any of the children. The eldest may feel her loyalty is put under strain. The youngest should only be questioned by someone trained in supporting children - otherwise you risk SS or police thinking you may have put ideas into her head, which could jeopardise the whole thing.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 15/02/2021 14:37

Oh Lord, do these bloody dinosaurs still really exist?

If the man is dodgy the child is getting terrible mixed messages - by that I mean standard opinion is that you don't allow an adult access to you if it makes you uncomfortable and you should be able to confide in others to help safeguard you. Both things are being utterly over-ridden to appease adults who should know better.

His comfort is being regarded as more important than the child's by her mother, which is also a sign of how the general dynamics might progress if this man becomes a permanent fixture.

I have no problem with step parents by the way, have been one myself and been involved in parenting a totally non- related teen, and the first rule of being a step parent is to appreciate you are there by invitation, not by right. This is not about allowing children to run roughshod over someone they don't like for a myriad of reasons not necessarily the fault of the step parent.

When I was about 12, after a bout of food poisoning while staying with my aunt and her second husband, I had to take a Dettol filled bath supervised by said "uncle". My aunt briskly dismissed my discomfort because he had older teenage daughters of his own, and I vividly remember the embarrassment and shame I felt, not because I thought he was dodgy at all, but because I felt a total loss of autonomy and that my feelings were utterly unimportant. This was in the early 80s, and even then we knew about boundaries to a degree. But my Aunt had a strong authoritarian streak and it was more important to obey and not cause a fuss than anything else. Actu6writing that down has made me feel a bit queasy.

A discussion is definitely needed here, especially given his attitude.

Good luck to you and yours OP.

Seedandyarn · 15/02/2021 14:38

Do NOT speak to the aunt all child protection training I have had advised against it. The child can then be groomed to give certain answers, they whole family can lie making you the lier, they get sneaker.

One thing to be aware of he could be giving your aunt a false name that is why reporting the situation to SS is best. A false name might not come up on a Google search or even a database search. If SS decided to investigate would have to prove his identity.

giletrouge · 15/02/2021 14:42

What everyone else said plus where is the children's father, can he be alerted?
Don't do nothing, you're right to be upset about this.

Tubs11 · 15/02/2021 14:44

please speak to your parents and be a confidant to your niece

you say there is a 17 yr old, can you get them to keep a close eye to see if there is anything in it?

if a kid says no to sitting on someones lap 4 days its either because they don't want to or are not comfortable doing so, either is acceptable and should be respected

MistressoftheDarkSide · 15/02/2021 14:46

Also agree with the divided loyalty thing and keep this an adult / authorities exercise.

From experience a child may feel protective of a parent even if they feel part of the problem, and not feel able to express other concerns....have seen it happen and it meant something that could have been nipped in the bud went on longer and escalated.

oakleaffy · 15/02/2021 14:49

That sounds vile.
As a child I was made to “ cuddle” men I didn’t want to out of politeness.. but nowadays NOT ON AT ALL.
He isn’t her dad, and even if he was, NO means NO!

oakleaffy · 15/02/2021 14:51

@giletrouge

What everyone else said plus where is the children's father, can he be alerted? Don't do nothing, you're right to be upset about this.
Child’s father died of cancer. In the ops post
Playnoh · 15/02/2021 14:53

Speak out now.

giletrouge · 15/02/2021 14:53

oakleaffy and OP. so sorry, I missed that. Really sorry.

rawalpindithelabrador · 15/02/2021 14:54

I'd not hesitate to report her to Social Services.

Wigglegiggle0520 · 15/02/2021 14:55

Are a Sarah’s law request to the police. They won’t disclose to you but will disclose to your aunt and the relevant agencies will be involved.
I’d consider speaking to her school to make them aware.
Talk to her yourself if you can and make sure she knows she can confide in you should she need to.

Wigglegiggle0520 · 15/02/2021 14:55

Ask for a Sarah’s law request from police that should say.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 15/02/2021 14:56

Report to social services immediately. Don't wait and don't hesitate.

CorianderBee · 15/02/2021 14:58

I'd speak to the 17 yo and other girls if possible. Ask eldest to keep an eye and hopefully others will tell her if anything odds happening. Make sure they have your number and you'll listen to them.

Sarah's Law.

Viviennemary · 15/02/2021 14:59

He sounds very creepy. I'd phone Social Services.

Cadent · 15/02/2021 15:00

@TestingTestingWonTooFree

Good for you for calling him out on this wildly inappropriate behaviour.

Unless he’s moved in with her, surely she can’t bubble with you now?

You are assuming OP is in the UK! Tedious.
Blindstupid · 15/02/2021 15:02

I’d speak to your dad and your aunt ... the more the better. Second Sarah’s law. It sounds VERY unusual.

Velvian · 15/02/2021 15:03

I also think you need to speak to social services ASAP. Do not muddy the waters by speaking to other family members, you will be encouraged to keep an eye on it and see how it goes.

I would feel the in the scenario you have described.

PinkyParrot · 15/02/2021 15:03

8 is too old for cuddles on knee of someone who has not previously been in your life

someonelockthefridgealready · 15/02/2021 15:04

I would try to talk to a child abuse helpline/charity to talk about how best to proceed. If you feel able to say in what country you're in, posters might have some specific recommendations.

Cadent · 15/02/2021 15:05

It's not appropriate for him to ever ask your niece to sit on his lap, let alone 4 times.

You don't say whether this man lives with your aunt, so I assume he doesn't. He isn't a parent figure and I agree his behaviour is disturbing.

Annonymiss123 · 15/02/2021 15:05

@Love51

I would spend as much time with them as possible, so that the girls know they can talk to you if they need to. If there is no previous abuse history then the 17 year olds senses will be tingling if something untoward is going on, but she may not know what to do about it. She may not expect to be believed. You know them best so decide a way to say "I will believe you and I will protect you".
^^ I agree.

I also think it's wise to talk to your Dad.

@sassysuspenders You said She recently met a guy well into his sixties - how recent? Makes it even creepier that he's referring to himself as their Dad.