This is sleep related .... I've no perspective

[sleepyshiftworker]

Apologies in advance - I need some outside perspective but I'll try and keep this brief and pertinent.

Back story. Second relationship. Both have children from previous. 18 month old with each other. Our older DC are with their other parents atm due to half term.

He works normal office hours, senior management, due to COVID he's WFH 8am-5 with breaks. When he has to go in it's an hours drive each way. EOW he leaves work on Friday at 2 to collect his older DC.

I'm a paramedic. I work shifts. I have an hours drive to work and same home. I cut my hours when I went back after the baby to 24 a week as I went back just as COVID hit last year and I couldn't find child care that worked for the DC (especially the baby) and it's draining and always over time if I want to do it which is more flexible for me than being contracted full time.

We have a mortgage, joint finances, joint account which we both pay into. He earns more than me but contributes more than I.

Here's the AIBU.
I'm absolutely exhausted. Homeschooling, all that jazz with a whirlwind toddler and working and doing everything else.

For example last week I worked Tuesday 1400-0200 so I cooked dinner in slow cooker before I left, enabled him to just get on with work and not worry. My older dc are self sufficient and don't require too much input - He wFH with my DC and the baby here which is rare as I've been relying on my sister having them when I work during the day, then all he does is pick them up circa 1930 and put them to bed.

The baby was up on and off teething with temperature Friday night. I had about 2 hours sleep. Apparently he felt too unwell to help even though I asked him to, and he went and slept in one of the older DC empty beds.

Then I worked Saturday 1000-2200 getting home at 0000.

Saturday night after work I got up with the baby in the night then up for the day at 6 on Sunday- He slept in yesterday til 0900.

Classic. I'm on nights tonight and tomorrow night. I asked last night if he would take over the baby so I could get a decent sleep last night as I now won't sleep til mid morning Tuesday when I've dropped the baby off at my sisters. He said yes, but didn't. Then this morning baby awake at 5.15 I asked him to get up with him and he just laid there and didn't move.

I've had enough. I am tired. It isn't safe to do this. The baby doesn't sleep through but isn't hard, he just needs a cuddle / quick shhhh and given his milk which he then drinks himself. Now DH is using the "he doesn't want me, he wants his mum". I'm just raging but I don't know. AIBU? I neee him to actually engage and help without being nagged like a teenager. He soon pipes up the "he's my son" if I suggest plans he doesn't like - but doesn't actually help.

@sleepyshiftworker sexual penetration without consent is rape.

He is disgusting

I'm so sorry OP.

@sleepyshiftworker

Report that you were raped in your sleep to the police. If not PLEASE report it to your GP. Make sure there is a contemporaneous record of it.

If you don't have the strength to leave him now, but find in a few years you do, then you may want this evidence in a custody dispute. You don't want his lawyer to be able to accuse you of making it up to help your own settlement. You need to create evidence now even if you're not ready to act on it

YANBU

I would rather be single - you are practically a single parent anyway!

He can want to take your son all he wants. It's not up to him and it doesn't work like that. He will have some rights obviously but he can't take him.

He's selfish and he's abusing you.

How about telling your dad something else happened also but you feel too awkward to tell him but you are considering reporting it to the police

You can tell your father sexual assault without the details.

Your father doesn't need to know the details.

All he needs to know is "Dad, he is sexually assaulting me too".

Send a text.
Ring him.
Just give him the full facts so he can make the decision to help you.

OP, please help yourself and your children.

Tell your father.

Then tell your GP.

Please help yourself.
You deserve better.

He is scum of the earth.

@Devlesko

This is what he would have been like with his ex, when his kids were little. They are someones ex with kids for a reason. Looks like you've found yours.

'Tis the case 99.9% of the time, isn't it? But people still take up with such men and have more kids with them. It's so sad.

I'm so sorry OP, it just gets worse. Can you at least hint to your dad, give him the gist? Or if you really can't face telling him, how do you imagine he would respond if you did tell him? I assume he would be saying the same as the rest of us, that you need to leave and this man is abusing you.

Your dad sounds supportive and pragmatic.

Why did you not tell him? Is it because he would have hit the roof or been terribly upset? Or because of your embarrassment, upset or not wanting to be seen differently by your parents?

The unfortunate outcome is that you have protected your husband and cut off your chance of effective support.

Is this the first time your husband has had his hands in you? Is this behaviour escalating?

Please let your dad know and report your husband.

He sounds unbearable. A lazy callous man. Does his job outside the home, and that's it, you facilitate all else. You've 1 life to live. Long term you're best off getting out - after you've sorted childcare arrangements so that your sister isn't always stepping up to help out. You need another back-up.

& As for his ex wife "didn't allow" him to do stuff - his family are only telling you what he told them. I bet she was glad to be rid of him, with his attitude to family life.

He doesn't care about your health, and the dangers of no sleep. He's quite happy to watch you being a workhorse. If he loved and respected you, this wouldn't be the case.

OP I am so sorry you have him in your life - and home and bed.

Tomorrow buy a lock. It goes on your bedroom door and he can sleep with the kids. You are not safe in your own bed.

Tell your sister what he's done. And to be clear, it sexual assault by penetration (in England). That is as bad as rape legally, it's just a different name because rape is penis only. In a personal level, which is not cold hard legality, whether it's his fingers, penis or a foreign object makes no different: he's violating you.

I would also love you to go to the police and report what he's done. Not because I think you should take him to court, but because it needs to be on record.

Go to your GP too and tell them everything. You're on antidepressants, sleep deprived and being sexually assaulted in your sleep.

And in all of this, a) you deserve none of it and b) you have nothing at all in any way to be ashamed of. He's not fathering. He's not being a partner. He's doing the sexual assault.

One final thing. You spend your working hours helping people who are at their most vulnerable and/or at one if the worst times in their lives. You see it again and again, every call, every shift over years. I am wondering if somehow this plays into your mind when you judge how bad what's going on with your partner is. Are you in some way thinking it's bad, really bad even, but could be worse because you regularly see dramatically "worse"? Maybe not. If that does in any way factor in though, it's a false equivalency and what's going on in your home is horrific. It may not need an ambulance but not every awful situation does.

Again, if you can't tell your dad (and personally I think you should - you'd want to know if it was your child so you could support them), then tell your sister what he's doing to you in your sleep. Let her tell your dad if that would be easier and she wants.

Op, I've skipped through just reading your posts.

And I actually snorted when you said he'd take your son if you ask him to leave.

Do you honestly believe that? He might threaten it, but it sounds like he's never even solo cared for him for a day....

That’s sexual abuse OP. It’s disgusting. He’s disgusting. Can you stay at your parents until you’ve caught up on sleep? Just go. You’re a keyworker. This country needs you right now. We need you to be safe, happy and well rested. You are important. He isn’t. Go. Take your son. If he wants to look after him. Great! Well done mate. First time for everything. Let him crack on. Ask him how he’s going to look after him while he’s at work.

@fixyourgardengate well, he has once for a day as I did a day shift at a weekend a couple of weeks ago - literally that's it. Your post made me smile!

@Mummyoflittledragon I don't think it's escalating- he's done it before, I think he's always done it, but previously I may have been receptive. This time, and a few recent occasions I certainly said to him to not wake me, to not touch me, that I did not want sex etc before I went to sleep.

I don't think it's escalating- he's done it before, I think he's always done it, but previously I may have been receptive. This time, and a few recent occasions I certainly said to him to not wake me, to not touch me, that I did not want sex etc before I went to sleep.

If he did this before and you were receptive, ie he started when you were asleep, you woke up and were receptive, he still started NOT KNOWING if you wanted him to do it then. That's not ok.

It means, however, this is actually an escalation, because now being told no, he is doing it.

He's a horrible man op.

I started off this thread thinking “they need counselling” now im thinking YOU need counselling, op I am BEGGING you to go for counselling, they will help you get things clear in your mind and help you formulate a plan to suit you for the future, it may even be worthwhile doing some joint counselling sessions with your husband to formulate a plan going forward but it seems unlikely that plan would include staying together, he is abusing you, the children are witnessing this. It may not be the clearly visible old fashioned abuse but it is the more nuanced mental and emotional abuse. I’ve never read a post where someone’s spirit is so clearly crushed. This is no life. Run. Get help, I think your employee will have an employee assistance programme for counselling? Access it, I beg you. And good luck!

Don't want to read and run, you sound like my ex's future wife this is what he'll do to the next one. I'm sorry you're going through this sleep deprivation sent me close to the edge literally

Please get some sleep and make a plan

He is disgusting.

@sleepyshiftworker

Not overly, no.

Sorry not been on all day I took my DC to my parents. Sorry lock down I've had enough. Talked things through with my dad, minus the sex bits. He's very pragmatic and thinks I need to sit him down when kids aren't here and absolutely spell out how I'm feeling one last and final time. Then see how he responds with actions not words.

Did you tell him what you’ve told us, though?

I have clearly spelt it out. I have, to his face - told him I am exhausted and need him to get up with the baby and let me sleep. He has ignored me. I've sat on our bed at 5am abs said please take him down stairs so I can get another hour and he's just rolled over.

I've said the same over and over again, pointed out the disparity, called him out on it multiple times and have even resorted to writing it all put and sending it to him (to which I get no reply).

He doesn't listen / doesn't change.

You can tell your dad (or you mum?) that he pesters you for sex even when you have told him no, that you need to sleep - that he wakes you up in order to try it on. I know you won’t want to say the details (and waking from sleep with his fingers penetrating you is sexual assault and it doesn’t matter if in the past you might have decided to respond, on this occasion he was clearly and unequivocally told No Sex - Do Not Wake Me) but you can help them understand it’s not just the “lazy with the kids” aspect.

I’m so sorry, sleepy. But he’s not listening, has made no effort to change or suggest how he can improve things for you, he’s sexually assaulting you (even after saying he ‘wouldn’t ever initiate sex again’ so it’s not confusion on his part) and he stonewalls you. He prioritises his DC from his first marriage in some ways, whilst leaving their actual care and supervision up to you. He’s not engaged with your toddler. He’s never even visited the toddler’s childminder, FFS.

You have children from a previous marriage to support and one DC with him. You have a job (a great job) and a supportive extended family.

You deserve better.

I don't think this man is going to change is he? He sound horrific .

You said you had a miscarriage in January - please tell me you are now using contraception???

He went to bed at 2110 last night without a word, just went to bed. This morning He's come down and asked me if this is now how it's always going to be, me not talking to him. I've given him the same shit he gives me when he's ignoring me, got nothing to say / not chatty etc.

I've told him
I'm fed up of his shit. That he's too concerned about everything looking right that he's not ever bothered about what's going on underneath or behind it all. That he's uncaring and a cunt to me, that I don't think he loves me, or can respect me if he's happy for me to feel like this and he just behaves serving himself, that him fingering me while I'm asleep is assault, he said he thought I was awake, I questioned that it was 1am and I was definitely asleep and I didn't respond - and that I had previously told him I didn't want to have sex so why the fuck did he think acceptable, he muttered some apology. Then basically has said nothing. He's not actually interested in talking or sorting any thing out. Only me being what he needs which is subservient smile and childcare with the occasional fuck.

@Chamomileteaplease I was always using contraception. I had COVID in November, ended up being fairly unwell so think I may have not taken them properly. Any way. Is what it is. Found out Christmas Eve. Miscarriage started on January 3rd. I didn't tell him I was pregnant, or that I had lost it until a week after.

I’m glad you’ve said it again loudly and clearly. It’s up to him now, isn’t it. It’s not up to you to provide a solution to him about how to treat you. It’s up to him to absorb the information, change his behaviour and problem-solve any practical issues.

That you took a week to let him know about the pregnancy/miscarriage is very telling.

Well done.
He needs to hear that you believe he has sexually assaulted you.

Please tell your father.

OP, his last wife undoubtedly got rid of him.

He is using you for these years for childcare.
Have NO doubt about that.

This marriage is not going to last.
The sooner you start figuring out your life away from him the better.

Talk to your father and friends.
Stop accommodating minding his children.

Stop allowing yourself to be used.

If you report him for sexually assaulting you, it will help you to get rid of him.

Please ring Women's Aid to get good solid advice on how you can protect yourself.