Mum saying she’s going to live with me

[Serialcatmum]

So when I was a child I honestly believed I would always just stay home/ live with my mum and be happy.

Things changed, I grew up, moved out and got married.

My mum is constantly saying “well you’ve always said I can live with you” whenever she mentions getting old, having operations etc. This comes up pretty regularly, maybe once a month.

I have had serious conversations with her and told her I was a child when I said she could move in with me, I work full time and if she needed care it would need to be carers and I cannot pay my mortgage and be a full time carer. I’ve also told her my husband wouldn’t want that as neither would our young family. I’m not trying to be mean, but each time she says it it makes me feel sick with guilt and anxiety. Just been on FaceTime with her and she said “Darling, that room has got everything stored in there. Where will you put it all when I need that bedroom? Maybe the loft?”

Honestly, I can’t stand it. AIBU .to respond each time with “i love you, sorry you cannot live here but I will of course ensure you had care if needed”

FYI my mum is very young and healthy (she had my young end my brother even younger!!) and lives with my dad. She isn’t ill, disabled or in need of a carer currently.

@TitusPullo income is irrelevant , you care for your parents as they did for you as a child. It may be a struggle financially but you prepare as much as you can. Obviously a parent would financially contribute themselves as much as they were able. It’s not the states responsibility to bridge the gap between the money needed for care once any money from a sale of property has run out.
In my culture we would never put our elderly in a home.

In my culture we would never put our elderly in a home
You come from a traditional culture where it is possible to care for the elderly at home, but you cannot transplant traditional ways into a modern liberal democracy

People also think “I don’t want to sit around listening to Kenny Rogers!” But it’ll be Radiohead and Pulp when it’s my turn I reckon

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@TitusPullo income is irrelevant , you care for your parents as they did for you as a child. It may be a struggle financially but you prepare as much as you can. Obviously a parent would financially contribute themselves as much as they were able. It’s not the states responsibility to bridge the gap between the money needed for care once any money from a sale of property has run out.
In my culture we would never put our elderly in a home.[/quote]
There are many different cultures all around the world. They all do things differently. Undoubtedly there will be some aspects of your culture that other cultures find morally indefensible.

You seem to regard your cultural norms as moral abso!utes. This is not helpful.

@MyDcAreMarvel

How does she fund her own retirement if she gives up her ability to earn? From the remaining 3/4 of the family income. Her part time wage and her husbands full time wage. And the many decades of full time earning apart from the few short years putting someone else ie her mum before herself.

😂😂😂

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@TitusPullo income is irrelevant , you care for your parents as they did for you as a child. It may be a struggle financially but you prepare as much as you can. Obviously a parent would financially contribute themselves as much as they were able. It’s not the states responsibility to bridge the gap between the money needed for care once any money from a sale of property has run out.
In my culture we would never put our elderly in a home.[/quote]
Great. This is Britain and British culture. If you want to live back in the middle ages with Wifey doing all the donkey work in life, knock yourself out.

OP, you need to get your h to make it very clear to her, too, that she will not be moving in with you.

@MyDcAreMarvel oooh I didn’t realise my income was irrelevant, when I can’t pay my mortgage I’ll be sure to tell the bank, don’t worry about it, my income is irrelevant.

There is no home to sell for my mother, she literally has no assets, so the state will have to provide for her as otherwise they state will be providing for my family instead when I quit my job to care for her. As another poster said your cultural norms are not absolutes. People are no less than you for not following your cultural norm of sacrificing everything to care for your parents. I’m of the opinion having a child is a selfish act, I had my child because I wanted one. They bring me great joy, the responsibility of bringing them up is the consequences of my choice. My child has no obligation to me at all.

20 years raising your own children + 20-years caring for your own parents =a few short years putting someone else before herself
Hahahaha🤦🏼‍♀️🙄

The way some of you are talking it's like people only have 1 parent between a couple. There are 4 adults for each couple. Should I have both of my parents and both of DHs parents living with me when they are 80 til they are 100 or more? Should I be showering my FIL when he is 92 and I am in 60? Life expectancy for someone in the 50s now could be easily 90+. It may not be a 'few short years'. I would never expect my children to do that. Do people really have kids expecting a free live in carer who puts them before everyone else when they are old? To me, that is selfish. That's not why I had kids.

TitusPullo
Simples! You will have to live in a shack and all share the same bed like they did in Charlie and the chocolate factory, you know you want to!

@lookmeintheeye only if I get the chocolate factory at the end

[quote TitusPullo]@lookmeintheeye only if I get the chocolate factory at the end [/quote]
No you have to give that to your mum.

Surely she must be joking or winding you up.

One of our DC is a nurse and it's a standing joke within our family that DH and myself will move in with him when we are old. We often ask if he has started work on a granny annex yet.
God, I'd be mortified if I thought he actually believed us.

@MyDcAreMarvel

How does she fund her own retirement if she gives up her ability to earn? From the remaining 3/4 of the family income. Her part time wage and her husbands full time wage. And the many decades of full time earning apart from the few short years putting someone else ie her mum before herself.

And her pension contributions when she goes down to working part time? Where do they come from? And what if she is the main earner and her husband earns half as much as she does? And who looks after her mother whilst she is out working at this part time job?

I am someone who has sacrificed my financial security to look after elderly parents. And I can tell you, I wake in a cold sweat at night worrying about my own future, and that is with a decent supportive husband by my side. I can only imagine the financial dire straits that some women end up in out of a sense of duty.

Eh? @MyDcAreMarvel if I went part time we’d lose our home, where would all our elderly parents sleep then? I’m sure a care home is warmer than a cardboard box! My father needed 24 hour care not someone going to work even part time as that meant he had to stay in bed soiling himself and not even having a sip of water till after 1pm when my mum got gone from her part time role. She had to take early retirement. She luckily could due to my dads pension being final salary etc but they struggled massively on less than half of what they had before.

Mine is of the opinion that I'll only do it if I want to.
I was quite neglected in my teens. I'll make that decision when it happens.
Unlikely though.

@JesusInTheCabbageVan - in that case the Oompa Loompas can look after her!

I looked after both of my parents it's part of our culture, we never allow them to go into homes as they looked after us when we couldn't fend for ourselves.
The family all care together though, it's never left to one person.

Maybe joke with her about equality and your brother being in a better position than yourself.
Talk to your Dad too, I can't believe he wouldn't hoover or wash her hair, what a waste of space he is.

What I dont understand is, why arent adults, who have been adults for 60 years or so, deemed incapable of planning for their own retirement over that time? I have always assumed it's my responsibility to look after myself, or it's the state if my assets dont cover it. It's one of the reasons I broke my back to buy a house with DH, so I have assets. Is that not why I pay taxes now, so others can be cared for? It's what society is. I would be horrifically embarrassed if, as a grown woman, I forced my children to be miserable, looking after me like I am a child. I wont be a child. It's my responsibility to manage my own life. Why is the attitude that an 85 year old didnt foresee becoming 85?

I think you have to make it more lighthearted. Stand up for yourself but be assertive and not aggressive and keep it jokey.
Mum, I know I said this when I was 8, but I wasnt expecting it to be brought up weekly for the rest of my life. Tell her youd consider a granny annexe but no way would you have her in the house without poisoning her tea after the first week

I don't think I have the physical stature to care for my dps, I'm in my 50s and work. My siblings live abroad or in another part of the country

OPs dm is only a few years' older than me and I wouldn't do that to my own dc, sounds like emotional blackmail

As she is only in her 50's and healthy, you need to point out that you'll address the issue of her needing care, if and when it presents itself. After all, what if DH's parents need care? Maybe you'll have moved to a smaller house?

@lookmeintheeye

In my culture we would never put our elderly in a home You come from a traditional culture where it is possible to care for the elderly at home, but you cannot transplant traditional ways into a modern liberal democracy

Any culture can look after their elderly, it's not reserved for certain races And as we are not talking historically you can transplant tradional ways into a modern liberal democracy, what rubbish. We are doing it daily, the same as anyone could who wanted to. That's not to say the OP should feel obliged to.

@TheSunshines

'Admittedly I don't live in the UK, but the care homes in my town all have good reputations, and seem to do a great job.'

Good for you and I hope you never have to experience a relative being stole from beaten and raped and left in a piss soaked bed. I suggest you Google some articles about care homes in the UK seen as you don't live here.
One woman just before Christmas was extremely ill and you could tell just by looking at her and they wouldnt phone the doctor until Monday and closed the blinds on the relative and walked off it was extremely upsetting to watch.

There are good and bad care homes everywhere. Googling terrible examples will only give a very biased picture. I've known a number professionally, would be happy to live in some, would avoid others like the plague.

@TwirpingBird
AMEN