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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum saying she’s going to live with me

251 replies

Serialcatmum · 14/02/2021 22:52

So when I was a child I honestly believed I would always just stay home/ live with my mum and be happy.

Things changed, I grew up, moved out and got married.

My mum is constantly saying “well you’ve always said I can live with you” whenever she mentions getting old, having operations etc. This comes up pretty regularly, maybe once a month.

I have had serious conversations with her and told her I was a child when I said she could move in with me, I work full time and if she needed care it would need to be carers and I cannot pay my mortgage and be a full time carer. I’ve also told her my husband wouldn’t want that as neither would our young family. I’m not trying to be mean, but each time she says it it makes me feel sick with guilt and anxiety. Just been on FaceTime with her and she said “Darling, that room has got everything stored in there. Where will you put it all when I need that bedroom? Maybe the loft?”

Honestly, I can’t stand it. AIBU .to respond each time with “i love you, sorry you cannot live here but I will of course ensure you had care if needed”

FYI my mum is very young and healthy (she had my young end my brother even younger!!) and lives with my dad. She isn’t ill, disabled or in need of a carer currently.

OP posts:
Gilead · 15/02/2021 10:56

I’ve told mine to put me in a home if necessary. I chose to have children, they owe me nothing.

MyDcAreMarvel · 15/02/2021 11:06

@BashfulClam So how is she meant to care for her mother when they work full time? by reducing her hours significantly. The ops mum is in her 50’s she has many years to prepare.

bellropes · 15/02/2021 11:26

Please don't do this. You could end up stuck with her for 20+ years and it will destroy you, your relationships, everything. We looked after MIL for over 10 years and she wasn't living with us, but the burden was intolerable and dh ended up with clinical depression. It was awful.

ElizaLaLa · 15/02/2021 12:08

@Kaia20

Just throw her in a nursing home. Just like she threw you in a children’s home when you were little. Who needs moms when we’re grown up now anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️
This.
Haenow · 15/02/2021 12:13

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]**@BashfulClam* So how is she meant to care for her mother when they work full time?* by reducing her hours significantly. The ops mum is in her 50’s she has many years to prepare.[/quote]
@MyDcAreMarvel

Umm how is he going to pay her bills?! My household income is not low but it’s not enough to save up so I can go part time to care for my parents. Confused

Haenow · 15/02/2021 12:16

I hope people like @Kaia20 and @MyDcAreMarvel don’t find themselves in the position where more than one parent needs care.
3 of my 4 grandparents required significant amounts of care. Were my parents meant to run a mini care home to accommodate this despite being in their 40s and 50s?!

lookmeintheeye · 15/02/2021 12:18

I know they were wrong to expect it but I still felt awful
I feel there is a kind of brinkmanship going on here ....the parents know they are wrong to expect the daughter to care for them but they belive that if they don't make alternative plans and present you with a situation where they are in need and have no one else to turn to you will have no choice but to do what suits them
Very calculating and manipulative, essentially they set out to trap you 🤬

B33Fr33 · 15/02/2021 12:23

She's being hugely entitled! Who doesn't make plans for their own old age? @kaia20

B33Fr33 · 15/02/2021 12:24

*she = the mother

CounsellorTroi · 15/02/2021 12:27

My late MIL flatly refused any alternative other than staying in her own home. We offered her to come and live with us or in sheltered accommodation close to us where we could see her every day. She lived 200 miles from us and couldn’t manage even with carers. It put my DH under extreme pressure. I was at that time coping with my own mother who had dementia. She spent her last six months in hospital. It needn’t have been that way.

Cherrysoup · 15/02/2021 12:51

Guaranteed she’s worried your dad won’t look after her if she needs it. Wouldn’t hoover or wash her hair after an op? Git.

There is no way I’d have an elderly parent move in. As it is, I’ve been bollocked by my aunt for ‘abandoning my mother like a dog’ since my dad died. I live 5 hours away. I asked what she wants me to do: leave my job and my DH to come and live with my alcoholic mother? My only sibling emigrated years ago.

I look at my mil’s situation and she was a danger to herself, couldn’t be
left, had dementia. One of us would have had to give up work to look after her then how would we have afforded to live? Those of you saying how terrible the OP are fucking clueless.

TitusPullo · 15/02/2021 12:52

@MyDcAreMarvel - are you for real? OP should reduce her work hours to care for her mother?! Then when OP is old and has no money for her own care as she took a massive paycut in her 50s, I suppose in your world her closest female relative will be expected to take a pay cut and do the same for OP. Bloody ridiculous

gamerchick · 15/02/2021 12:55

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]**@BashfulClam* So how is she meant to care for her mother when they work full time?* by reducing her hours significantly. The ops mum is in her 50’s she has many years to prepare.[/quote]
You're expecting your kids to take you in when you're elderly aren't you?

The OPs mother has many years to prepare for her own old age. You don't foist yourself on your kids.

AIMD · 15/02/2021 13:05

@Ragwort

I think it's frightening that someone who is only in their late 50s would talk like this ... my DM is late 80s and always makes it very clear that she would never want to live with any of her adult DC.

Your DM sounds very young to even be having these thoughts/conversations - is she very unhappy with her DH ... perhaps she is needing advice on deciding whether to separate and live independently?

I agree with this. My mum was similar in her 50s. She is now in her late 60s but is more similar to someone in their 80s (in terms of mobility/attitude). Part of it is down to disability affecting her cognition and mobility but part is also down to attitude. Even when I was young and she was in her 40s she didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything and generally lived liked an older person.

Sounds like she doesn’t just want someone to care for her in old age. She wants someone to help manage her life/be her life rather than getting out there and doing things for herself. Part of this might be because she doesn’t have a loving partner who she might want to do these things with:

lookmeintheeye · 15/02/2021 13:07

Taking on full-time care for an elderly relative tends to mean you Sabotage your own mental and physical health not to mention your financial prospects
When my parents reach their late 50s they retired and had a wonderful time indulging themselves in hobbies and holidays, their parents passed away in their early 70s quite quickly and having required no care
If they think I'm going to sabotage my golden years to prop them up, no way Jose I want to enjoy my life like they enjoyed theirs. I doubt they would have rolled over and accepted it if their parents had tried to land on them.
Furthermore I am an only child, they had an easier time as parents because of that but it means I have no one to share the burden with 😳

lookmeintheeye · 15/02/2021 13:10

She has many years to prepare
As horrifying as it sounds there will be many people who assumed their adult children will be making plans and they don't have to do anything
The adults children will assume that their parents have made their own plans.....

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/02/2021 13:12

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]**@BashfulClam* So how is she meant to care for her mother when they work full time?* by reducing her hours significantly. The ops mum is in her 50’s she has many years to prepare.[/quote]
Oh OF COURSE!!

Just take the expense of an extra person to pay for whilst also significantly reducing your income. Duh, why didn't I think of that. Just nip to that money tree in your garden OP, it'll be grand

wellthatsunusual · 15/02/2021 13:19

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]**@BashfulClam* So how is she meant to care for her mother when they work full time?* by reducing her hours significantly. The ops mum is in her 50’s she has many years to prepare.[/quote]
How does she fund her own retirement if she gives up her ability to earn?

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/02/2021 13:23

People like @MyDcAreMarvel ALWAYS speak from the position of someone whose mum is young, healthy and probably their best mate. This should be utterly ignored.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/02/2021 13:25

Why are people so against nursing homes BTW? My grandad is in a home and loves it - people his age to socialise with, cooked meals, lovely staff and something new every night.

MyDcAreMarvel · 15/02/2021 13:26

How does she fund her own retirement if she gives up her ability to earn?
From the remaining 3/4 of the family income. Her part time wage and her husbands full time wage. And the many decades of full time earning apart from the few short years putting someone else ie her mum before herself.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 15/02/2021 13:27

The people trying to lay a guilt trip on the OP are being ridiculous. I can only assume they're inflicting the same manipulative, self-serving crap on their own poor DC - or are planning to. I cannot get my head round people who view their DC as a lifelong meal ticket.

MyDcAreMarvel · 15/02/2021 13:27

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows my mum is her 80’s frail and in very poor health.

TitusPullo · 15/02/2021 13:31

@MyDcAreMarvel - you are actually talking out of your arse now. I don’t know many people whose income could take a 25% hit easily. What happens when the OP’s parents in law need care? Is that another 25% hit. Stop projecting your own situation on others, what is possible for you is unobtainable for many people even if they wanted to take that drop in lifestyle to care for a parent who hasn’t bothered to make their own plans for care.

iklboo · 15/02/2021 13:34

From the remaining 3/4 of the family income. Her part time wage and her husbands full time wage. And the many decades of full time earning apart from the few short years putting someone else ie her mum before herself.

What colour is the sky on your planet? And can I please borrow your crystal ball which has the magic ability to both predict the future and see what OP's financial situation is and will be?

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