Mum saying she’s going to live with me

[Serialcatmum]

So when I was a child I honestly believed I would always just stay home/ live with my mum and be happy.

Things changed, I grew up, moved out and got married.

My mum is constantly saying “well you’ve always said I can live with you” whenever she mentions getting old, having operations etc. This comes up pretty regularly, maybe once a month.

I have had serious conversations with her and told her I was a child when I said she could move in with me, I work full time and if she needed care it would need to be carers and I cannot pay my mortgage and be a full time carer. I’ve also told her my husband wouldn’t want that as neither would our young family. I’m not trying to be mean, but each time she says it it makes me feel sick with guilt and anxiety. Just been on FaceTime with her and she said “Darling, that room has got everything stored in there. Where will you put it all when I need that bedroom? Maybe the loft?”

Honestly, I can’t stand it. AIBU .to respond each time with “i love you, sorry you cannot live here but I will of course ensure you had care if needed”

FYI my mum is very young and healthy (she had my young end my brother even younger!!) and lives with my dad. She isn’t ill, disabled or in need of a carer currently.

Thanks for the responses. Quite varied but the consensus is that I’m NOT being a terrible person for not wanting my mum to move into my home..

Just to answer a few questions:
My mums is in her late 50s, so is my dad. I don’t have a great relationship with my dad and consider his lack of care for my mum after her op very shocking. It’s opened my eyes.
In my mums head she’d move in if my dad passed away. He has been a smoker since he was 16 and she presumes (as does he to be honest!) he’d pass away first. 🤭
My mum isn’t joking.
A few people have said she sounds toxic, she’s not. She’s a fabulous lady, hard worker, caring and generous. She’s also very anxious and relies on my heavily to be her emotional support network.

As I said earlier, I’m going to have a serious chat with her and consider her possible future options. Moving in with me won’t be one of the options, but me continuing to visit regularly, helping out and loving her will definitely be on offer 👍🏻

@SuperHighway

I really don't recognise the nightmarish descriptions of care homes in the UK being trotted out here. I've had a couple of relatives (not parents) in care homes and they've been excellent. DH's aunt has been in one for about 3 years now and is very happy. I don't expect my children to sacrifice their lives for me when I'm older and have told them so. Funny how it's always the females in the family who are expected to take on caring responsibilities.

Neither do I. My mother was in one temporarily due to needing round the clock care at that particular time. She was very happy and said that witnessing how the people with dementia were treated, with their dignity always a top priority, really eased her fears about care homes. She would be quite happy now to live in a care home if necessary.

Some of them are poor and some people have been treated appallingly. But hopefully this is rare. But good ones are fantastic, and the people living in them are happy there.

@fuzzyduck1

She spent the first part of your life looking after you it’s only right you look after her in the end part of hers. Or are you expecting social care to do that?

Really? So because her mother cared for the baby she chose to have op has to spend untold years providing possible intimate care to her mother indefinitely? And she has said she will provide support, she just doesn't want her living with her. As her husband is not happy about it.

Would you expect your children to look after you, in their own home if it causes huge personal sacrifice and problems in their marriage? Or is that not good enough for your own children but it is good enough for op?

It’s not a choice between a care home and you anyway. And she’s really young! I’m planning to make sure my accommodation is suitable for any mobility issues etc, as I age so thinking along those lines might be better for her.

@fuzzyduck1 so fucking what. It'S our parents' choice to bring us into the world we don't owe them anything. And FYI no one gets cookies for not abandoning their child. I certainly won't be looking after my mother in her old age.

My mum says this. She then laughs and says shes joking but I know shes semi serious. I just say I'm unlikely to have a big enough home but hope that she will be able to live nearby in a retirement flat or similar. Just shut it down op whilst being clear that you love and care and always will.

@fuzzyduck1

She spent the first part of your life looking after you it’s only right you look after her in the end part of hers. Or are you expecting social care to do that?

Do you actually believe that daughters should be compelled to live near their parents? Never to move away for a job opportunity or to marry someone who lives elsewhere?

That's thoroughly depressing. (And I do live near my mother and provide care for her.)

I think send her a link to a really nice retirement community near you with hands on care when she passes comment

My mum was in a nursing home for 3 months at the end of her life and spent long chunks of time there (just pre Covid), including overnight. It really was very good indeed. It was expensive though, but if I couldn’t live independently, I’d prefer a good nursing home to having my daughter run ragged.
I’ve read that people often change their minds on this in old age, so when we redo our wills, which we need to do soon, I’m going to append a letter a that is very clear what my wishes are and that if they are different when the time comes, not to feel conflicted in doing the right thing, which is to help me settle into an outstanding nursing home.

We are lucky in that we will probably have enough assets in old age to fund good care, it’s something people really should plan for if they can. It is expensive but surely worth it.

@Serialcatmum

Thanks for the responses. Quite varied but the consensus is that I’m NOT being a terrible person for not wanting my mum to move into my home..

Just to answer a few questions:
My mums is in her late 50s, so is my dad. I don’t have a great relationship with my dad and consider his lack of care for my mum after her op very shocking. It’s opened my eyes.
In my mums head she’d move in if my dad passed away. He has been a smoker since he was 16 and she presumes (as does he to be honest!) he’d pass away first. 🤭
My mum isn’t joking.
A few people have said she sounds toxic, she’s not. She’s a fabulous lady, hard worker, caring and generous. She’s also very anxious and relies on my heavily to be her emotional support network.

As I said earlier, I’m going to have a serious chat with her and consider her possible future options. Moving in with me won’t be one of the options, but me continuing to visit regularly, helping out and loving her will definitely be on offer 👍🏻

I know a few people like this through work. Some of them moved into "sheltered" type accommodation very young (cut off is usually 55 but most residents are 80+) and found it hugely beneficial. The sense of community and has given them support and they've either found others to care for or they've had other residents provide them with emotional support if that's what they need.

I think kind but firm when she next brings it up. Make sure she realises moving in with you is not an option. You need to protect your nuclear family.

consider her possible future options.

And if she wants to stay with your dad, and if he doesn't want to move or do whatever your mum decides, you can always fall back on "well it's clear you can't cope as you are because you wouldn't vacuum when mum was recovering or help her at all..."

@fuzzyduck1

She spent the first part of your life looking after you it’s only right you look after her in the end part of hers. Or are you expecting social care to do that?

Well my mum is effed then. Both of her kids live in a different country. Her attitude is 'I am an adult. I will sort myself out'. She says this as a person who works in a care home.

Do you think all kids should just plan their lives around looking after their parents when they are 80?

I wouldn’t give it any thought. She’s married and in good health and actually young. So just ignore these comments. I have the opposite, my mother has dementia but insists on living in her own home. Wouldn’t dream of living with us. So we have to coordinate carers full time and basically run her house for her.
Your kids may have long fled the nest by the time your mother would need any help but regardless she’s getting ahead of herself.

Tell her to stop saying that.

Saying, as a child, that you wanted to live with them is nothing like saying that they could live with you. Obviously.

You need to have a proper chat with both parents, pointing out that they need to be saving for their retirement and old age care, like everyone else. You will not be available to care for them (either of them).

Talk to your brother about it and involve him equally. Present it as a joint position. 'We are both too busy working to support our children and will be for many years to come.'

God there are some right martyrs on this thread. Life is not some test you have to suffer through. You do not have a responsibility to the people that chose to have you. Providing for your child is the most basic of parenting, it doesn’t create an obligation. OP my Mum is a similar age to yours, a bit younger. I love her dearly, we speak on the phone several times a week. She came to stay with me for a week last year and I was nearly broken by the end of it. She expected to be waited on hand and foot whilst doing the whole don’t mind me, I’m no trouble act. I am not prepared to do that for years on end with more and more increasing health needs. I have a young child and a husband and a career, I’m the main earner, we live comfortably but are not well off by any means. My mother has made some very poor financial decisions in her life (I.e quitting her job aged 50 because she didn’t like the new person and not trying very hard to look for another, turning down the right to buy when she had the money and instead spending it all). She has no savings, I often have to send her money. There will be no money for her care when the time comes but I still do not feel responsible for caring for her or “fixing” her poor choices. I am in my 30s and already expect that my house will have to be sold to pay for my care. I do not expect my child to it.

I also do not recognise the description of care homes from Sunshine’s post, as part of my previous job I saw the inner workings of a few care homes and they were really nice. One in particular I have already earmarked for 50 years time.

@TheSunshines

You obviously didn't... if you did you wouldnt be speaking utter drivel about my post. Your reply to it makes no sense. I haven't posted about my children once looking after me my daughter has a condition that she probably won't move out so I'll be looking after her. Think before you speak.

You sound incredibly bitter in most of your replies. Just because you're stuck in a difficult situation doesn't mean everyone else should be.

@Kaia20

Just throw her in a nursing home. Just like she threw you in a children’s home when you were little. Who needs moms when we’re grown up now anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

You take her in then if you're all bleeding heart.

OP in all seriousness you need to have this conversation with your DM as soon as possible.
My DM never talked about me caring for her but they did have my GM living with them for company for a few years before she died. My DM became very ill very suddenly. After a few weeks in hospital she was discharged home and it became apparent that both her and my DF expected me to care for her. My DF still works and she couldn't/wouldn't get out of bed, go to the toilet or wash without help. They saw her care as being my responsibility, planning that my DF would 'help' when he was available. Sadly these are permanent changes and I also have a job and young children. What they were asking was impossible. I ended up having to upset them both by refusing when she was ill and vulnerable. I know they were wrong to expect it but I still felt awful.
Set her expectations now, while she is well. It's much kinder.

I think it's frightening that someone who is only in their late 50s would talk like this ... my DM is late 80s and always makes it very clear that she would never want to live with any of her adult DC.

Your DM sounds very young to even be having these thoughts/conversations - is she very unhappy with her DH ... perhaps she is needing advice on deciding whether to separate and live independently?

I find some of the attitudes here a bit bizarre. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and decisions, of course. But I find it odd that people are saying you don't have a responsibility to the people who chose to have you. It's not about that.

Have you seen the state of nursing homes? Do you know how awful they are?

So desperate for staff they'll employ anyone. Even those who don't really care about caring. Residents left in their own pads for hours on end, sat in their own piss and shit. Most homes wouldn't pass CQC inspection if they saw the real day-to-day running of the homes.

My DM has worked in many, she's spent her life caring for others. I visited a fair few when my GPs were in them. It was awful.
I couldn't visit my GF in a home... I just couldn't see him there. I couldn't do it.
I would rather kill myself than go in one of those.

And I'll be damned if I put my parents in one. I will look after them. I'll get home care if needed for them but they dedicated a huge part of their lives to bringing me up. They are decent and loving people. And I will NOT have them humiliated and degraded like that. I will care for them because I love them.

However OP, your mum assuming she will come and live with you is totally different. I wouldn't be prepared for my DM to live with me 😳

You would be entirely reasonable to say quite clearly "You won't be living with me". When the time comes you can work the finer details out but I feel its quite important you say this early on before she does require help. It's a bit rude to assume she will be living with you because of something you said when you were a child 😳

Next time it comes I would shut it down saying 'mum I actually don't know if you're joking or not, but either way this conversation is making me feel very uncomfortable. We have discussed that you moving into my home with my young family is not going to work. Of course I will look after you in other ways, but you need to stop bringing this up as it's unfair and I don't want it to cause any ill feeling between us'.

@Ragwort

I think it's frightening that someone who is only in their late 50s would talk like this ... my DM is late 80s and always makes it very clear that she would never want to live with any of her adult DC.

Your DM sounds very young to even be having these thoughts/conversations - is she very unhappy with her DH ... perhaps she is needing advice on deciding whether to separate and live independently?

My MIL is late 50s and does this. I think she is living for a time where she is a core part of DHs life again. She regularly tells me how I 'stole' him from her. She says DH is her 'baby'. She wants to be the centre of his world TBH. She is asserting authority. I find its common in women who maybe struggle to find purpose or focus in their lives after their kids fly the nest.

Sounds like she's realised she can't rely on her DH and believes she can't rely on herself, so she's turning to you.

Encouraging her to become more self-reliant, personally and financially, would be a good idea.

I agree a frank conversation is needed now. I can understand why if your DF is useless/uncaring your DM feels scared, but very very few people are capable of providing full care for an elderly relative.

My Mum cared for both her parents for years, going back and forth from East Kids to Yorkshire and it really took its toll on her. Eventually they moved into a care home that was lovely, not fancy but genuine staff who looked after them.

I'm disabled myself so it wouldn't be possible for me to care for my parents. Doesn't mean I don't love them.