To not want to go on friends 2nd wedding hen do

[grinchyvalentine]

I never post on AIBU but I have the right hump anyway so prepared to be flamed.

My friend recently got engaged after being divorced for three years. I'm over the moon for her and wish her all the happiness.

Here is my AIBU- we did the big extravagant hen for her 6 years ago. I was involved in the organisation despite not being a bridesmaid and the whole thing while fun cost a fortune. No problem, it's a one off. Only now it isn't as she's talking about her hen again, going abroad the full works.

My situation has changed. I'm now married with two kids, we were all child free on her first hen and living in pandemic land the last thing I can get excited about is a hen trip. We were chatting on the phone and she got really upset with me for saying I might not be able to make the trip (planning for next year) she said it was like I wasn't taking her new marriage seriously (?!) that's not the case at all.

This is so massively outing but I actually don't mind if she sees it and if I get my arse handed to me I'll take it on the chin.

YABU - she's your friend and she's excited you should be excited too

YANBU - she's had her turn and should be happy with either something low key or accept not everyone will go

I don’t agree with either scenario you wrote above

Everyone bride could well decide to have a hen party.

If you cannot go because of cost/child care/time off work, or if you just don’t want to go because you’re no longer into this type of thing, then you tell her so. But don’t think she shouldn’t have a he because she had one already.

I don't object to her having one at all! It is purely down to my circumstances I wouldn't go so why is it ok to guilt trip me about not taking her wedding seriously?

If she had said no worries I understand let's wait and see what happens I wouldn't be giving it a second thought

Your friend is being ridiculous. At her age she should know the world doesn't revolve around her. If you don't want to go, don't go. Never give in to emotional terrorism.

For full disclosure I do think it's cringey to ask all the same people to shell out so much again and I wouldn't do it. I get that part of me is judgemental but that's not my AIBU

Yanbu. That’s a one time thing.

A local meal/night out/house party would be lovely but you can’t ask all your friends to fork out on flights 6 years after your first ‘once in a lifetime’ hen.

If she wants to have it that’s fine. If you don’t want to go that’s fine.

Tell her to invite other friends this time. You don't want to be seen as monopolising her hen trips. 😉

Yanbu. I mean yeah...it’s not to devalue her second marriage or their commitment at all...but I know what you mean. It’s a lot of money and time to ask of others when you’ve already had the big hen do abroad for the first.

Do you think she’d shell out for two hen dos for you?

I got flamed on here once (under a different name) for saying that I don't really feel I need to make as much effort for a second wedding if I made effort for the first. Especially if my outfit hasn't had time to go out of fashion.

I wouldn't be going to a hen do abroad when I organised the first 6 years ago. You have sown the seed now - wait for it to germinate. You will not be the only one. Offer to go to or host dinner/drinks when she gets back Wish her well - tell her you can't wait for here all about it but you are in a different place now and have different priorities.

I can see both sides, but she doesn’t seem to understand circumstances have changed. When she sees the cost ( and I wouldn’t be going abroad for any hen do, 1st or 2nd) she may change her mind, or May do so when others can’t attend

Just leave it for now and when it’s calmed down just explain why you wouldn’t go abroad, but are happy to do a lunch or something

I think it’s cringey too, especially so close to the last one. There’s something about demanding so much time, money and energy from people that I don’t think you get multiple passes for.

Of course it is her choice, but she is unreasonable to assume others will want to go and she certainly shouldn’t be expecting you to. Personally I’d be embarrassed to ask people to do such a big spend twice in such a short space of time.

there was no vote

I think it’s totally reasonable to leave it for now, see how things go

I honestly find the whole idea of expensive hen do's absolutely appalling.

I can't imagine ever being friends with anyone so completely selfish and un self aware to actually expect their friends to spend a ludicrous amount of money because they chose to get married.

My hen do was cheap, cheerful & I wouldn't have had it any other way. I just can't imagine what goes through someone's head to think it's acceptable to expect people to spend £300/£400 on a hen do. Unbelievable!!

@pictish that's a good question. At the moment because she's child-free I think she would and maybe that's why she's upset with me. I appreciate that perspective.

I'll let the dust settle and try and explain I'm not making any judgments about her getting married again. I'm really happy for her, her future DH is made for her, I just can't justify the cost right now and offer to attend a home celebration.

Best I can do at the moment. In all honesty this would be my feeling at the moment even if it was her 1st marriage

It’s nothing to do with it being her second wedding is it? You wouldn’t be prioritising time and money for a big first hen do for a friend either from the sounds of things now your life is different.

I think when the first one was only 6 years ago it’s a lot to expect people to pay the money to go on a trip with what is often a bunch of people you barely know or don’t know at all.
If she was suggesting a meal and a night out then great but it seems a bit much.

YANBU

I dont agree with either of the options because I think she is free to do the hen do etc again if she wants (and you are being a bit judgemental about that) but also it's totally understandable that you cant attend and her reaction is pretty poor. You could suggest a second mini hen do to happen locally for those like yourself who cant make it

I think that's a fair assessment @HangOnToYourself

I 100% get where you are coming from...
A friend has been married twice (not a problem) however she did three events the first time (abroad, city break and home meal)... And two (City break and meal) for the second...

I worked out in total I have spent over £1000 on events and presents....

Everyone is different however I went opposite extreme and had one night away in a city close to home, with no planned activities and people had the option of stay/go home and spend as little or much as they wanted...

As I've got older I'm getting better at saying no - or attending one event rather then three ha ha

@AnneLovesGilbert hit the nail on the head. It's just unfortunate she's associating my response with it being her 2nd

I’d personally not be comfortable about being in a different country to DS (although I know lots of people do it- it’s just how I feel). Your friend has to accept that circumstances change, and you have less time and resources now, and different priorities. Not attending the hen doesn’t mean that your aren’t happy for her/ supportive of her marriage.

@BakewellGin1 I did the exact same as you for mine. Even then I agonised over people needing to spend money despite it being a fraction of what I paid to attend others. No right or wrongs I suppose just personal preference.