To not want to go on friends 2nd wedding hen do

[grinchyvalentine]

I never post on AIBU but I have the right hump anyway so prepared to be flamed.

My friend recently got engaged after being divorced for three years. I'm over the moon for her and wish her all the happiness.

Here is my AIBU- we did the big extravagant hen for her 6 years ago. I was involved in the organisation despite not being a bridesmaid and the whole thing while fun cost a fortune. No problem, it's a one off. Only now it isn't as she's talking about her hen again, going abroad the full works.

My situation has changed. I'm now married with two kids, we were all child free on her first hen and living in pandemic land the last thing I can get excited about is a hen trip. We were chatting on the phone and she got really upset with me for saying I might not be able to make the trip (planning for next year) she said it was like I wasn't taking her new marriage seriously (?!) that's not the case at all.

This is so massively outing but I actually don't mind if she sees it and if I get my arse handed to me I'll take it on the chin.

YABU - she's your friend and she's excited you should be excited too

YANBU - she's had her turn and should be happy with either something low key or accept not everyone will go

YANBU

The mum guilt is unreal just thinking about the prospect. The cost, time away from the kids. Even when you deserve it you can't shake it.

If you have a hen do abroad be prepared for your friends to turn down the invitation. The world doesn't revolve around the bride. 1st 2nd or whatever time around.

[quote Marinaloves]@Beseigedbykillersquirrels
Yes I think expensive abroad hen dos are ridiculous
Though I had one friend who had a U.K. one. It cost me £400
If she got divorced, and she wanted another expensive hen do. Of course I would go unless I couldn’t afford it
I certainly wouldn’t use my smug “married worth children” status to shove it in her face that she might be a failure in my eyes.[/quote]
Wow

What a twisted take on this situation .

Are you the OP's friend ?

Tell your friend you can’t afford to go to this hen do but you hope to attend her next one!

I once refused to go to an engagement party somebody was having. They'd already been married twice. If you don't want to go don't. Third marriage also ended in divorce. If it was a low key thing I'd probably go but a big expensive do abroad then no if you'd rather not.

Tell her to take her head out of her ass. It’s for reasons to do with your life you won’t be attending, not hers.

You sound really judgemental and not very supportive.

How dare she want to treat this new marriage as of it were as special as the last. She's a divorcee, she should get married in red and not tell anyone!!

If you can't afford to go / don't want to leave the kids that's fine and she shout respect that. But I wonder if she's picking up on your general judgmentalness and that's why she's being Ng prickly.

YANBU. I hate all hen dos though and have never enjoyed one.

I wasn't taking her new marriage seriously

I think this is more her projecting her own insecurities onto you to be honest. I wouldnt go if I were you. Just cite that you now have a family and dont want to leave them or pay for a hen do during a pandemic. Maybe suggest a meal in your town for the people who dont go.

My DF was remarrying (2nd time, marrying OW) and his DB replied to the RSVP saying "We will just catch the next one" and didn't go as he thought it was hypocritical to get married twice because you cheated on your first wife and broke the vows. Oddly didn't cause a rift and DF laughed it off . DF is about to get married for the 3rd time and I'm wondering if his DB will make good on his promise to catch this one.

YANBU

But you should have enabled the voting thingy ;)

I would write her a really nice card, saying you're really happy for her and you're looking forward to the wedding, but your family circumstances make joining the hen impossible.

Yanbu. I was chief bridesmaid for my cousin, 6 years ago. I planned her hen and spent loads of time helping her with the wedding. Her mum passed away as a child and I was the only female from her side in the wedding party so I was determined to make it super special. She was my chief bridesmaid two years later but was on maternity leave at the time. She didn't commit to planning the hen and couldn't give as much time because she had to look after ds. Things change and this friend cannot expect you to put her second wedding before your kids.

Like some others here I’m quite glad I got married over 20 years ago when expensive hen dos requiring travel and leave from work weren’t really a thing. I’d hate to put my friends under pressure to spend like that. I think it’s bad mannered and demanding of her to expect people to manage it and try and guilt them in to it regardless of it being a first or second marriage. It’s seems especially tone deaf these days when a lot of people are going to still be trying to recover financially well into the next few years.

Perhaps she’s touchy because you’re not the first one who isn’t keen.

I thought the first responses were all too reasonable for AIBU! Still though, lots of good advice which I appreciate.

To clear some things up.

I am happy for her, I couldn't give a shiny shit whether it was her 2nd or 10th marriage.

I am happy for her to have the most extravagant hen in the history of mankind if that's what she wants. What I object to is her being arsey when I tentatively said I couldn't commit.

I accept that this may be partly down to lifestyle now and changes in circumstances. If I didn't have my dc maybe I wouldn't blink an eye at doing it all again but i am older, poorer and maybe less fun(!)

Probably I'm also being slightly more miserable about it in the backdrop of lockdown.

I'd like to thank even the slightly bitter comments, it's helped me see a different perspective.

YANBU - she's had her turn and should be happy with either something low key or accept not everyone will go yeah @grinchyvalentine you TOTALLY sound like you're happy for her and happy for her having another big hen / wedding. Not.

@SleepingStandingUp Sure ok, I'm lying to a bunch of internet strangers for kicks

If I wasn't happy for her this is an anonymous forum. I could merrily let rip. As it happens I am happy for her to be getting married again. I'm not happy at being guilted into shelling out 100's to prove it.

YANBU. At all. She’s being an entitled drama Queen. Anyone who demands you spend ££££ in order to adhere to their whims and desires is being a knob.

She probably wants to make this one - wedding and hen - even bigger and better to prove something to herself/her family/her friends/her fiancé/her ex. But that’s not your responsibility.

Send a lovely card and suggest you get together when you can to celebrate.

[quote grinchyvalentine]@SleepingStandingUp Sure ok, I'm lying to a bunch of internet strangers for kicks

If I wasn't happy for her this is an anonymous forum. I could merrily let rip. As it happens I am happy for her to be getting married again. I'm not happy at being guilted into shelling out 100's to prove it.[/quote]
I'm merely pointing out your own words. So maybe you are happy for her but it's not coming across to her, and maybe some of the answers you're getting here are based on the fact you declared she'd had her turn and should be happy not having a big hen do. Not that most of her friends have kids / it's a worldwide pandemic and therefore she should understand people not going.

Some people have an very odd take on this.

What is “Smug Married” about being upfront about your circumstances having changed and not being able to justify an expensive trip for only one member of the household?

If DH or I where invited to a Hen/Stag like the one op outlines, it would have to be a flat no as it would eat into our family holiday budget and would mean that the other partner and kids wouldn’t get away that year.

Regardless of whether it’s your 1st wedding or 20th, it’s really classless to disregard your nearest and dearests’ circumstances in preference for your wants.

What is “Smug Married” I suspect the whole "she had her chance (and it's not our problem she had to do it again) rather than the lots of kids, no cash, no AL, worldwide pandemic thing

Quite right OP. Since when is a hen do proof of marriage approval. The bride's hen is for HER, what SHE wants. It not required. It's not the law. It will have no bearing on the success (fingers crossed) of her marriage. Throwing a tantrum and sulking because friends are reluctant to drop more £££ on another foreign holiday of her choice is self indulgent. I cannot believe people are calling you an unsupportive friend.

@SleepingStandingUp I agree my yanbu summary is a bit shit and doesn't convey what I tried to say in my longer post.

I think there are lots of factors at play, I'm probably a bit sensitive to the implication of not being a good friend given I have in the past spent way more than most people would probably think reasonable to go on her hen but I should probably separate that out as it's not relevant.

What's relevant is I can't/don't want to go now and it has nothing to do with not being as important as her first and everything to do with my circs have changed and me quite clearly being a grumpy sleep deprived fun sponge

This is an unpopular opinion but I think it's pretty crass to do the whole big white wedding and abroad hen do when you've already done it once before not so long ago. Then again i think it's kind of rude to plan these huge hens and expect people to just come along. Last time I went abroad for a friend's 3 day hen we had a fantastic time but I figured I spent about £1,500 on her hen and wedding after paying for the trip, spending money, a night in a hotel for the wedding, a present, outfit, drinks at the actual wedding etc. I'd be pissed off if I was asked to do the same again.

You, and probably some of her other friends, are just in a different stage of life compared to when you were free to drop everything and run off overseas. Happens for a lot of people in their late 30s / early 40s. Its not just kids, it's often career as well. It's a pity that it means she doesn't get the hen's she wants, but that's how it is.

"she said it was like I wasn't taking her new marriage seriously (?!)"

I might respond - if you're going to do it every six years it's more like you don't take your marriage seriously. But only if I wanted the relationship over.

I'm not against multiple weddings, I think it's probably more realistic. But I am kind of against big, expensive weddings unless you really do think it's for life (even then, tbh, it seems like the focus is on the wrong thing).

YANBU

And it’s a bit self-involved of her to think people who don’t fancy spending hundreds of pounds on a hen do aren’t taking her marriage seriously. FFS, it’s not an exercise in validation.