To not want to go on friends 2nd wedding hen do

[grinchyvalentine]

I never post on AIBU but I have the right hump anyway so prepared to be flamed.

My friend recently got engaged after being divorced for three years. I'm over the moon for her and wish her all the happiness.

Here is my AIBU- we did the big extravagant hen for her 6 years ago. I was involved in the organisation despite not being a bridesmaid and the whole thing while fun cost a fortune. No problem, it's a one off. Only now it isn't as she's talking about her hen again, going abroad the full works.

My situation has changed. I'm now married with two kids, we were all child free on her first hen and living in pandemic land the last thing I can get excited about is a hen trip. We were chatting on the phone and she got really upset with me for saying I might not be able to make the trip (planning for next year) she said it was like I wasn't taking her new marriage seriously (?!) that's not the case at all.

This is so massively outing but I actually don't mind if she sees it and if I get my arse handed to me I'll take it on the chin.

YABU - she's your friend and she's excited you should be excited too

YANBU - she's had her turn and should be happy with either something low key or accept not everyone will go

I think it is so selfish to expect people to fork out for an expensive hen do once let alone twice.

YANBU.

Couples who plan destination hen parties or weddings usually expect some people to decline and guests sometimes need to send a gift and their best wishes for the couple and leave it at that.
It’s surprising your friend isn’t more accommodating of others situations

I'm a completely different generation (I assume) to you - I'm mid 50s. We just went for a drink in a local pub with the brid- to-be the week before her wedding, if we did anything at all.

I am utterly bemused at the idea of 'hen' dos abroad, and have been since they started. I think expecting to people to pay to go on holiday to your choice of destination, to celebrate something for you is ridiculous. I wouldn't do that for any friend - or member of my family, frankly.

And it lacks both grace and manners to get huffy when someone says, Hope you have a good time. I can't afford to join you, I'm afraid.

Nothing at all wrong with not being able to go/justify the cost, but with the judgement I think she's probably better off you not being there.

I've only been married the once (still happily married) but have friends on second marriages and I've been just as happy for them, if not more so having supported them through the pain of a divorce, and equally likely to attend their hen dos.

However, I have a £150 budget for all hen dos so won't go away for more than a night or abroad whoever/wherever it is.

@grinchyvalentine

For full disclosure I do think it's cringey to ask all the same people to shell out so much again and I wouldn't do it. I get that part of me is judgemental but that's not my AIBU

Given what you've said here and the fact you've emohasised it's her second hen in the title of your post, suggests to me that your friend is spot on. You have a problem with this being her second hen do, which is therefore upsetting her as it's a judgement that this marriage isn't worth the same investment as her last.

You sound really catty. Fair enough if you can't afford or don't want to go. But there's no need for you to judge her having a second. She's entitled to want the full works and of course she'll invite the same people if they're still her friends.

If she reads this, then she may not want you going anyway. I wouldn't want a friend who judges me for wanting a hen do.

I would grudge using annual leave and money on a hen do abroad, when I could use both on family holidays. Regardless of which number of wedding it was.

[quote grinchyvalentine]@AnneLovesGilbert hit the nail on the head. It's just unfortunate she's associating my response with it being her 2nd[/quote]
😂 yeah ok. Then why mention it's her second if it's irrelevant?

YANBU

Anyone who chooses to get married or have a hen or stag weekend away needs to accept not everyone will be able to go, either for financial reasons, childcare or whatever.

If she wants everyone to come, she needs to be more realistic, and maybe go for a pizza/nightclub/whatever.

I think your friend is being self-centred and needy. Don’t pander to her.

@NovemberR

I'm a completely different generation (I assume) to you - I'm mid 50s. We just went for a drink in a local pub with the brid- to-be the week before her wedding, if we did anything at all.

I am utterly bemused at the idea of 'hen' dos abroad, and have been since they started. I think expecting to people to pay to go on holiday to your choice of destination, to celebrate something for you is ridiculous. I wouldn't do that for any friend - or member of my family, frankly.

And it lacks both grace and manners to get huffy when someone says, Hope you have a good time. I can't afford to join you, I'm afraid.

You and me both. I got married mid90s. My hen night was a pub crawl in Camden Town.

Doing it over again after 20 years, probably - no chance after 6. It's not like a birthday.

YANBU - I think you just need to speak to her again and make sure she understands it has nothing to do with being judgemental and that you are really happy for her. Maybe it came across the wrong way or she is just very defensive about it.

As an aside I don’t quite understand why hen do’s are often so elaborate and expensive nowadays. In non pandemic times of course, whatever happened to a game of bingo, fish and chips and drinks and dancing in a cheesy nightclub? Maybe I’m just a cheapskate 🤷🏽‍♀️

You don’t sound like much of a friend
Personally I don’t have friends who have ridiculous hen dos- because we are similar people and none of us did.
But how is it your friends fault her first marriage failed
And you sound smug and superior

. I'm really happy for her, her future DH is made for her, I just can't justify the cost right now and offer to attend a home celebration.

I'd text her this, tell her how happy you are for her, her future DH is great but you simply can't afford it.

YANBU
Had my hen do in 2018. We had lunch at my favourite restaurant, did a hobby class, then went to the pub. It was fabulous and the girls must have spent £50 max a head.
Can’t stand people who demand others shell out hundreds to indulge them. Utterly selfish to do it once, let alone twice.

@Playnoh

Yabu- just because you’re now married and have kids it doesn’t mean you can’t have fun anymore! Your reason for not going is really thin and I’d be hurt if I was your friend.

Who has said the OP can't have fun ?

The OP has said she is now married and has two dc. So big amounts of cash to throw at a party weekend are therefore very unlikely to be available - she will either be paying out for childcare or the family will only now have one wage coming in. Either way, it means money is tight.

As an aside, why do you think that people can only have fun by spending hundreds going on a hen do holiday abroad ?

@HighSpecWhistle - you're missing the point. OP's friend is entirely allowed to want whichever hen do she pleases. What is not on is expecting everybody she invites to be happy to pay mega bucks and leave their kids for multiple nights to go to a destination not of their choosing and then get huffy and manipulative when they say they can't afford it/can't do it.

[quote grinchyvalentine]@pictish that's a good question. At the moment because she's child-free I think she would and maybe that's why she's upset with me. I appreciate that perspective.

I'll let the dust settle and try and explain I'm not making any judgments about her getting married again. I'm really happy for her, her future DH is made for her, I just can't justify the cost right now and offer to attend a home celebration.

Best I can do at the moment. In all honesty this would be my feeling at the moment even if it was her 1st marriage[/quote]
What has it got to do with her having kids? She sounds like she is being selfish and thoughtless but understanding that people may not be able to afford a hen do isnt anything to do with whether they have kids or not. I think the whole hen do thing is out of control anyway, it is adding way too much to the costs of weddings.

@Marinaloves

You don’t sound like much of a friend Personally I don’t have friends who have ridiculous hen dos- because we are similar people and none of us did. But how is it your friends fault her first marriage failed And you sound smug and superior

Actually, it is you who sounds 'smug and superior'. As none of your friendship group has organised a 'ridiculous' hen do, who are you to judge the OP for not wanting to/being able to afford to attend this one?

Hen weekends are ridiculous in my opinion, fair enough invite your mates to the pub, but this tradition of being expected to spend unreasonable amounts of money to celebrate someone else's life choices is quite narcissistic. I have friends for whom I have attended engagement parties, hen dos abroad, the wedding, multiple baby showers, christenings, children's parties, all of which have an implication that you are a bad or unsupportive friend if you don't go. I can't imagine asking much less expecting friends to spend that much money on me to celebrate my choices. When I was younger I felt obligated to attend everything, but less so now. OP I would advise against going if you will feel uncomfortable or if it will put you in a difficult financial position. Maybe your friend will realise that your life doesn't revolve around her life events!

I'm not a big fan of all these OTT when dos anyway . self-control load of bollocks really.. But in these time especially, when money is tight for so many and we have a recession looming its downright outrageous!
Your friend is being totally ridiculous to say you aren't taking her second marriage seriously because you dont want to go on the hen do (and with good reason). I'd probably be prepared to fall out with her if she thinks like that.
Is she insecure? Or just a drama queen?
I'm amused by PPs who think you're judgemental because of this. Nonsense.

@Beseigedbykillersquirrels
Yes I think expensive abroad hen dos are ridiculous
Though I had one friend who had a U.K. one. It cost me £400
If she got divorced, and she wanted another expensive hen do. Of course I would go unless I couldn’t afford it
I certainly wouldn’t use my smug “married worth children” status to shove it in her face that she might be a failure in my eyes.

@Msfoxy17

I'm not a big fan of all these OTT when dos anyway . self-control load of bollocks really.. But in these time especially, when money is tight for so many and we have a recession looming its downright outrageous! Your friend is being totally ridiculous to say you aren't taking her second marriage seriously because you dont want to go on the hen do (and with good reason). I'd probably be prepared to fall out with her if she thinks like that. Is she insecure? Or just a drama queen? I'm amused by PPs who think you're judgemental because of this. Nonsense.

Hen dos dammit!

YANBU - your circumstances have changed. Your friend is not BU for wanting another hen do but she is BU for not accepting your reasons for declining.

I've been on so many big, expensive hen do's and I loved them....in my 20s when I was young, free and single.

Now I'm old and withered (38 🤣) and have 2 young DC and to be honest they now aren't for me. I literally hate being away from my kids for longer than 1 night, I work full time and my weekends are so precious that I really dislike going away.

Plus I now really hate drinking heavily and the hangover that follows.

I think your friend should understand that your circumstances have changed.