To not want to go on friends 2nd wedding hen do

[grinchyvalentine]

I never post on AIBU but I have the right hump anyway so prepared to be flamed.

My friend recently got engaged after being divorced for three years. I'm over the moon for her and wish her all the happiness.

Here is my AIBU- we did the big extravagant hen for her 6 years ago. I was involved in the organisation despite not being a bridesmaid and the whole thing while fun cost a fortune. No problem, it's a one off. Only now it isn't as she's talking about her hen again, going abroad the full works.

My situation has changed. I'm now married with two kids, we were all child free on her first hen and living in pandemic land the last thing I can get excited about is a hen trip. We were chatting on the phone and she got really upset with me for saying I might not be able to make the trip (planning for next year) she said it was like I wasn't taking her new marriage seriously (?!) that's not the case at all.

This is so massively outing but I actually don't mind if she sees it and if I get my arse handed to me I'll take it on the chin.

YABU - she's your friend and she's excited you should be excited too

YANBU - she's had her turn and should be happy with either something low key or accept not everyone will go

YANBU OP. If she wants the full circus again then that's up to her, but nobody should expect friends to pay £100s to join them on a hen trip abroad be it for the 1st or 4th time. It's the wedding that's important for the people you love to attend, not the hen.

(And personally, while I wouldn't judge others for doing it, having been married and divorced myself I would never want to do the big hen party thing again were I to marry again. Just doesn't feel right for me).

@SaltyTootsieToes

I don’t agree with either scenario you wrote above

Everyone bride could well decide to have a hen party.

If you cannot go because of cost/child care/time off work, or if you just don’t want to go because you’re no longer into this type of thing, then you tell her so. But don’t think she shouldn’t have a he because she had one already.

Spot on.

1. Be kind to yourself.

You are not able to attend this function without unnecessary financial and emotional stress. This does not make you a bad friend.

1. Be kind to your friend.

She just wants to have fun with people she cares about.

Being angry with her for wanting to do this twice in her lifetime is making YOU unhappy and possibly poisoning the friendship.

1. Be kind to yourself some more.

Drop this from your mind and do something that makes you happy.

When you can think about this without it causing you strong emotions, have a calm discussion with your friend. If she really is a friend who cares about your well-being, she will understand why you can't come along this time.

Crikey. DPs mate married 6 years ago. The whole thing cost us 1.5k.

If he suddenly announced we were doing it all over again I'd not be partaking

YANBU in the slightest
She sounds selfish, entitled & immature.

Urgh, I've been there, OP. Huge fuss and expense for first hen do abroad. Big fancy wedding with specific dress code, expensive wedding gift list (which I chose to ignore). Sadly the marriage ended and we were all absolutely over the moon when friend met someone else and got engaged, I actually wept tears of joy for her as her first husband was an abusive twat and this new guy is just wonderful. However, then came talk of going abroad for her hen do. Only this time it was to be more up-market as we were all older, married, mothers. She was actually expecting us all to be willing and able to take the Friday and Monday off work and pay nearly £700 for what she had dreamt up. I was the first to say straight away that I couldn't go and then seven out of the remaining eight also said the same. She sulked and sulked but reluctantly let her bridesmaid plan a different do. Still £350 for a night in a fairly local town though. I don't know when or why being friends with someone getting married started costing so much! When I got married my wonderful bridesmaids planned a surprise hen do, I knew nothing about it but the date. My non-negotiables were that it was cheap and local so that everybody I wanted there could come, and it was perfect. It's so self indulgent to believe that everybody really wants to pay hundreds of pounds to go on a holiday not of their choosing, often with people they don't even know that we'll, just because you're getting married.

She needs to accept that everyone's lives have moved on, not just hers. She is getting married again and you are happy for her, but within the confines of your life situation.

Let the dust settle then explain that your really happy for her but that you now have a family and you can't justify the cost of attending a trip away but you will happily go out for her at an alternative date for a afternoon tea and catch up.

To be honest she's being a bit silly to think that all rules around travel are magically going to be relaxed anyway!

Even if it was her first wedding, she needs to accept that not everyone can or wants to spend so much money on a hen party. I hate the idea of anyone feeling pressured to spend money because of me so I just don’t understand someone being upset that a mom of two young children isn’t prepared to go abroad to spend a week partying.

I agree with HangOnToYourself on P1, and then others.

Neither your YABU or YANBU sit quite right with me.
I mean, I've never been a fan of massive, extravagant hen-dos (or stag dos) that people feel pressured into going to. If people choose to get together before the wedding to go on a girls' holiday, then that's fine, but trying to convince people who don't want to spend their money on that sort of thing by whining "It's my hen do" is always wrong.

I have no truck with someone choosing to do another girls holiday just because it is a 2nd wedding.
However, as all your "circle" get a few years older, it is likely that more and more will have other commitments and fewer of them will be able to go with you.
She needs to understand that.

Here to watch the comments for advice as I have a similar problem, though it is a 1st hen do and I’ve already said yes

Yabu- just because you’re now married and have kids it doesn’t mean you can’t have fun anymore! Your reason for not going is really thin and I’d be hurt if I was your friend.

She's having notions. Just say no. Best not to encourage it. She's probably watching too much TV.

@Playnoh

Yabu- just because you’re now married and have kids it doesn’t mean you can’t have fun anymore! Your reason for not going is really thin and I’d be hurt if I was your friend.

You can of course have fun when you have children. Spending loads of money when you have childcare costs nope! It's hard to justify spending £400+ on a hen do when you have children! That was me being cheap as well as a £400 budget for a weekend in Europe if staying in a hostel!

YANBU if it doesn't suit your pocket, say no from now. I think for second weddings things should be a bit toned down, you should be grateful if people go all out just as they did on your first.

YANBU, I wouldn’t be going either and I think it’s very cheeky to expect people to pay out for a second hen do, second wedding attendance and even more so if they expect gifts again.

She needs to grow up and stop with the tantrums.
You probably aren’t the only one who will decline. It’s costly for starters and will her mates still be in jobs then?
How many will want to get a visa to attend someone else’s hen do?

YANBU

I personally think it’s really selfish for people to have hen parties/weddings abroad and then expect everyone to come.

If someone wants to do that then fair enough but they need to be prepared that some people won’t come. I wouldn’t go if I was you OP.

I'll let the dust settle and try and explain I'm not making any judgments about her getting married again. I'm really happy for her, her future DH is made for her, I just can't justify the cost right now and offer to attend a home celebration

You don’t need to excuse or explain , just say
Thanks for the invitation, sadly I am unable to attend

When and why did Hen Dos get so over the top and expensive !

I don't really see what being married and having kids means to not wanting to attend your friends hen do, it's not like they're just for single child free friends to attend.
If you don't want to go just say no, be honest 'sorry I spent so much money on your first one and the marriage failed, I don't see the point in spending it again'

Yanbu. I see a wedding invite as a €500 invoice awful I know but we don't have fancy nights weekends away often
I begrudge spending it.
Dsis had a 5star wedding in Spain it cost us €5000 to attend her wedding and hens we haven't had a trip abroad since.

I think hen parties are a bit cringe gull stop, other people being expected to shell out to celebrate things that make me happy and are personal to me...but I understand that everyone doesnt think like that, and I attend other people's when I can (though sometimes I've not been able to attend every activity due to circumstances so I might have skipped a day activity and attended in the evening for example).

But some people want other people to celebrate every part of their life. Every birthday, engagement, hen, marriage, baby shower, gender reveal, their kids birthdays etc...and if everyone did this there would be no time for anything else!

In your case though I dont think you've got celebration fatigue, I think if you dont have the funds or time or can't go for any practical reasons then you can't. You dont have to pay out a shitload of money to go abroad just to prove you're happy for someone else

@peboh

I don't really see what being married and having kids means to not wanting to attend your friends hen do, it's not like they're just for single child free friends to attend. If you don't want to go just say no, be honest 'sorry I spent so much money on your first one and the marriage failed, I don't see the point in spending it again'

As I’m sure you know, a lot of people have far less disposable cash when they have children.

OP has tried to say no, not because she’s snippy about it being a second wedding, or because she’s forked out for a hen for this woman before. But, she’s said, she no longer has the budget or free time for this sort of celebration. Sadly, her friend didn’t accept what she said graciously and chose to get huffy and offended.

So if you don’t wish to take time off work and pay for travel, accomodation, meals, etc and join in the forced fun you aren’t talking her marriage seriously? Surely she understands adults need to consider themselves and their own family when making decisions YANBU

I'd tell her you are still paying off your credit card/loan from her last hen do and wedding. As are probably most of her other friends and relations.