To not want to go on friends 2nd wedding hen do

[grinchyvalentine]

I never post on AIBU but I have the right hump anyway so prepared to be flamed.

My friend recently got engaged after being divorced for three years. I'm over the moon for her and wish her all the happiness.

Here is my AIBU- we did the big extravagant hen for her 6 years ago. I was involved in the organisation despite not being a bridesmaid and the whole thing while fun cost a fortune. No problem, it's a one off. Only now it isn't as she's talking about her hen again, going abroad the full works.

My situation has changed. I'm now married with two kids, we were all child free on her first hen and living in pandemic land the last thing I can get excited about is a hen trip. We were chatting on the phone and she got really upset with me for saying I might not be able to make the trip (planning for next year) she said it was like I wasn't taking her new marriage seriously (?!) that's not the case at all.

This is so massively outing but I actually don't mind if she sees it and if I get my arse handed to me I'll take it on the chin.

YABU - she's your friend and she's excited you should be excited too

YANBU - she's had her turn and should be happy with either something low key or accept not everyone will go

I think travel is going to be a lot more expensive when it does finally start up again and maybe that is no bad thing when you consider the effect of cheap flights on the environment. There has been too much of the wrong kind of tourism attracting the wrong kind of people.

Thinking of all the (potentially expensive) events I have politely excused myself from over the years by wishing the other person well but explaining that I am not a party animal.

Meh! Just say 'of course I'm absolutely thrilled for you! If you decide on an informal meal/night out for those of us unable to go abroad then I'm really looking forward to attend! However, due to current finances/childcare/work commitments I cannot travel abroad/or stay away for a weekend for a hen do'. And stick to the above. I'd imagine she'll get plenty of no's from those in a similar situation as yourself.

Why would she expect you to spend so much money again? Not fair of her to put you in that situation

What's relevant is I can't/don't want to go now and it has nothing to do with not being as important as her first and everything to do with my circs have changed and me quite clearly being a grumpy sleep deprived fun sponge grin lead with that when you talk to her 😁

[quote Marinaloves]@Beseigedbykillersquirrels
Yes I think expensive abroad hen dos are ridiculous
Though I had one friend who had a U.K. one. It cost me £400
If she got divorced, and she wanted another expensive hen do. Of course I would go unless I couldn’t afford it
I certainly wouldn’t use my smug “married worth children” status to shove it in her face that she might be a failure in my eyes.[/quote]
Erm, where has OP said that that's how she feels or what she's doing? Having a family means you have other people to consider and you can't necessarily just up and away for an expensive holiday on your own. That's why it's relevant, not because OP feels superior.

Personally I wouldn't go... 2nd time getting married nope I wouldn't go purely for that reason but luckily I'm a loner so don't have to make decisions like that She's obviously self conscious about it being yet another wedding.

TBH if she can’t understand that six years on, with dcs, you now have other priorities for things to spend precious time and a lot of money on, then she sounds spoilt and entitled.

If she’s a true friend, she’ll eventually understand and come round. If OTOH everything is all about her, and being the centre of attention (sounds like it tbh) then maybe she won’t, but you can do without ‘friends’ like that anyway.

I'd just keep quiet and see what happens. Don't get it involved in organising it. See what plans pan out.

I personally wouldn't go abroad for somebody's Hen. A night out or a night away could be fun though

She is unreasonable to expect all her friends to shell out for an expensive hen. I bet other people will be reluctant too

Yanbu.

Personally i think that all these kind of extravagant hen/stag do’s are completely OTT. There was a time when it was called a hen night with people maybe going to a club etc, now people are expected to shell out the equivalent of a family holiday for a weekend in a country which most people will never remember having gone to because they will spend the majority of it pissed out of their minds.

But for a second do I think that’s even worse.

And tbh I think the same of big extravagant second weddings. Let’s be honest, the extravagant bit is generally for show, all the “until death us do part” bit is all very well, but once you’re divorced it’s a bit much to expect people to pay £££ to attend an event where you make the same promises a couple of years later to a different person because those promises didn’t work out the first time.

And yes, I am divorced.

I don’t judge people for getting married more than once. But that doesn’t mean I don’t find the extravagant parties OTT a second/third/fourth time around....

But then my opinion is that the pandemic is the perfect time to get married. Quick registry office do, no pressure to invite all and sundry you haven’t seen for years and won’t see for years to come, no falling out over the guest lists. And just think of the money you could save....

[quote grinchyvalentine]@AnneLovesGilbert hit the nail on the head. It's just unfortunate she's associating my response with it being her 2nd[/quote]
Well it may be coming across that way to her, it kind of is on here, for example it is in the thread title and you have made something of a point of it.

I think it is fine for her to have the big hen do again if she wants, but equally your life is different now and it is perfectly reasonable that you cannot attend.

As much as people are saying that OP is in the wrong for saying she may not be able to afford to go on her friends hen do, the friend seems to be more interested in having a party then actually getting married.

Things change in six years with people lives, both in jobs/financial standing and with family/children.

She sounds quite high maintenance.

One of my best friends was in a very similar situation.
We went all out for the first wedding. Due to kids, money and logistics, I didn't attend the 2nd hen or wedding.

We are close enough to laugh about it and I did promise to attend every other wedding she has from now on.

She made sure I had a lot of the photos from the day, some cake and gave me a full blown account of everything that I had missed afterwards.

Because that's what friends do...

You say you are happy for her but that isn't really coming across here, so it probably isn't coming across IRL either. More specifically its coming across like you are happy that she's getting married, but think it should be without much fuss or celebration, certainly without a hens party or anything. "She's had her turn" as you said.

If you can't go, don't go. No need to be rude about it.

@Catflapkitkat

I got flamed on here once (under a different name) for saying that I don't really feel I need to make as much effort for a second wedding if I made effort for the first. Especially if my outfit hasn't had time to go out of fashion.

I wouldn't be going to a hen do abroad when I organised the first 6 years ago. You have sown the seed now - wait for it to germinate. You will not be the only one. Offer to go to or host dinner/drinks when she gets back Wish her well - tell her you can't wait for here all about it but you are in a different place now and have different priorities.

This wins the thread based on the outfit not having time to go out of fashion...

I don't think you are being unreasonable not wanting to go as your circumstances have changed but I think its weird you have decided she has had her go and can't get another one! Its got nothing to do with this being her second wedding - of course she is offended. If it was her first wedding you would still be a mum to two children existing in a Covid world.