To ask about the funniest sex thing that's ever happened to you

[FuckingFabulous]

It's Valentine's. It's a sexy day (for some). And my husband and I were talking about Valentine's past, before we met each other.

My husband had me in stitches telling me about a teenage romance where they were shagging in secret in the girls room, parents happily gardening and thinking the two teens were innocently studying and chastely exchanging lovely cards.

He was vigorously thrusting mid act, went for a position change and neglected to realise there was a heavy wooden shelf above the bed, so whacked his head across the bottom, knocked everything off the shelf in a deafening crash and knocked himself out in the process. He said he recalled a blinding pain, realised he was standing up totally nude, hearing the footsteps of the parents pounding up the stairs, swaying and groaning and heard himself saying "fuck! No!"

Then he remembers being in A&E with a very, very irate girlfriend's Dad who told DH he ruined his Valentine's evening with his wife and he'd spoken to DH's Dad, who was coming to get him. DH went to his Dad's car after having a few stitches and a leaflet about concussion, only to be greeted by his lovely Dad trying to have a Big Chat with him, telling him he ought not to be embarrassed and he understood the passion of Valentine's himself. Cemented this by telling DH that they had not wanted another child, but the Valentine's mood led them to be less cautious and that's why he was born in November, 6 years after his only sibling.

So I'm asking for your funny sex stories!

(Long term poster, not a journalist, not a troll!)

@Neverspeakofthisagain I thought it sounded like the Isabella Plantation from the description.

I went out on a hot date the guy was really handsome. On the way home to drop me off he “accidentally” went down the wrong road where other cars were parked up. I thought it odd as all the windows were steamy, he said to me “would you like to get in the back?” I said no thanks I’d rather stay in the front with you. He drove me straight home and funnily never saw him again.

Holiday cottage in Cornwall, very secluded with no neighbours overlooking. We decided to have a few drinks in the garden one afternoon, one thing led to another safe in the knowledge that we weren't overlooked. Things progressed and we were DTD when we both became aware of an engine sound and nearly died when we saw one of those little minature trains full of families, slowly meandering through the bottom of our garden.
I mean kids were waving.

Farted! Wasn’t my fault, i had an egg and onion sandwich earlier that day. I must make clear i brushed my teeth and used mouthwash so at least my breath was fresh even if the other end wasn’t 😂

One that comes to mind is when much younger and very, very drunk getting frisky with ex-bf in a deserted alleyway on our way home from clubbing very late at night. We were getting into it when suddenly an old guy (possibly a tramp!) comes staggering down the alley. I looked over bf’s shoulder only to see him kind of “come to” and look at us in shock.
He then grinned and said “sorry love - eh, you carry on son!” and staggered off.
I was too drunk to be embarrassed at the time but I cringe now even years later!

Me and my ex boyfriend having sex in my bedroom-
We were both 18 yrs old.
We just finished and he was sitting naked on the bed, about to pull his undies up.

Suddenly unexpectedly my mum opened the door and walked in
( she came home early from work).
He shoot up - his willy still half way outside, hastily pulled the jeans up sayin: good evening Mrs H. How are you today?

@Serin

Holiday cottage in Cornwall, very secluded with no neighbours overlooking. We decided to have a few drinks in the garden one afternoon, one thing led to another safe in the knowledge that we weren't overlooked. Things progressed and we were DTD when we both became aware of an engine sound and nearly died when we saw one of those little minature trains full of families, slowly meandering through the bottom of our garden. I mean kids were waving.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

My first boyfriend, we were teenagers, my parents went out and we seized the opportunity on the living room floor.

Anyway, he broke his frenulum and didn't notice, so when we'd finished he pulled out to a fair bit of blood, says 'are you bleeding?'

I said 'no, that's you', he promptly fainted at the sight of his own blood. Passed out on my parents living room floor.

Thankfully, I managed to bring him round and clean him up before they got back.

First time doing anal and obviously didn't do the 'right prep'. He pulled out and had excrement on the end of his penis Looked like a wizards hat We are still together over a decade later and laugh like mad about it now but FS it was embarrassing at the time!

When DH I first got together we were having a nice afternoon session and I was giving him a BJ but I had really bad hay fever, I felt a sneeze coming on so I leant back to sneeze and he came and it shot right up my nostril. It was very grim but very funny (and an amazing shot!)

As a teen my then bf had torn my thong off in the throws of passion. Next morning I'm hanging over the side of the bed trying to tie a knot in them so I can put them back on 😂 bf goes to loo and no sooner was he gone his mother pops her head round his door, looks at me, tits on show, ruined underwear in hand, and she says 'errrr, do you err... want....errr...a bacon butty? And...erm...I'll see if I can find you a spare pair of...erm... pants!" Omg. Mortified.
Awkward breakfast that.
Most awkward bacon butty of my life.
And to make it worse it was fucking MICROWAVED BACON. who the fuck does that. Ewww.
I'd have got over it if the bacon was crispy 🤣

Threw myself lustily onto the bed and, er, bounced.....landed on the floor. Not entirely the look I was going for! 🤣 Think it killed the mood for the chap concerned especially as I couldn’t stop laughing.

My hubby bought me a teddy suit when i was in my early 20's and it was black and red with lace. was quite nice looking.

few weeks later my MIL (who was late 40s back then), always one for for showing off her bargains bought the exact same one from her avon lady.
I never wore it again after that lol.

Had a dress up shag in the old stockings and suspenders thing. I was on top and about to sit on his penis, when I decided to slip it into the stocking top. Thought it was sexy lol!

DH says, what do you want my dick to do? Rob a bank?

I have so many embarrassing stories

I bumped in to a friend I had really fancied in school on a night out. We had known each other since primary school and we're friends during high school but I never admitted that I'd liked him.

We had a few drinks and both admitted to liking each other in school. Few more drinks and we start kissing. Few more drinks and he invited me back to his. We both lived with our parents but he had a bigger house than me so we agreed to go back to his. I'd been there loads of times before. Few more drinks in his bedroom and things get a bit heated. He ripped my top off, like literally ripped it off so that the front was gone apart from my right sleeve and then picked me up and put me on his dresser thing and we carried on. Then after a while he picked me up again and span round to throw me on the bed then jumped on top of me.

We'd both had a lot to drink and the lifting, spinning, throwing and jumping made my head spin and seemingly made his too. The room started to spin and I told him to stop. He did then stood up far too quickly and then slurred "Gonna be sick." before running off to throw up next door. Very loudly.

I sat on the bed with just the sleeve of my top on and one boob hanging out the bra. His mum had heard the commotion and came to check what was going on. She walked in the room and switched the light on. We locked eyes ans then I just closed my eyes. I had no idea what to do so I decided to just stay very, very still. In my drunk head I think I thought she was a T. rex or something and she wouldn't see me if I didn't move.

So I just sat there with my eyes closed for what seemed like 20 minutes. It was maybe about 20 seconds and I heard her say "Char? Is that you?" I opened one eye a tiny bit to see her pick up part of my top from the floor, walk over to the bed and put it there. She then went to his wardrobe and pulled out a T-shirt and left it there before switching the light off and closing the door.

He came back in a short while later to find me passed out in his tshirt. The next morning he called me a taxi and as I tried to sneak out his mum happened to be coming back from the shop with milk. She apparently laughed as I got in the taxi and said to friend "I'm glad she's regained the ability to move."

NCed cos people know about them...

Outdoors in a public (but really secluded and in the early hours of the morning - it was pretty dark) place, obviously drunk guy comes over to check I'm not dead because he can initially only see me laying on the ground.

Then the time we were spooning and chatting about something really mundane and kind of absent-mindedly started having sex while still chatting about something really mundane. It was a while before we decided to focus exclusively on the sex, after getting the giggles. It was funny to us...

I was very heavily pregnant and with my ex, we were on the sofa and started getting frisky, I sat on his lap and the sofa collapsed and snapped- I was mortified but also laughed a lot. 😂

@blissfulllife

Rather a lot of drink involved. He asked me to sit on his face, I slipped, broke his nose. Was in A&E holding a tissue to his nose at 2am feeling very guilty

Oh no I assume you made up the “real” story of what happened

Both asleep one night. Whilst still asleep he starts to make moves. Me, also still asleep, automatically responds.

We wake up to find ourselves mid sex and really confused about what was happening!

this threads great

Thankfully not me...but I was told by an ex that he had previously been mid "top-n-tail" with a girl and she gagged and farted in his face 😱 what's worse is I knew the girl! 🙈

@Propercrimboselecta

Also several years ago I returned home in an absolute drunken state with a pizza, trying to convince him to have sex with me and rubbed a slice of pizza all over my vagina

Dear god

I was the poster on a previous, similar thread who accidentally farted in DH's face at the point of orgasm when he was...well, orally pleasuring me. He lifted his head from between my thighs and said, "Blimey love, you just gave me a centre parting."

I was on top and about to sit on his penis, when I decided to slip it into the stocking top
DH says, what do you want my dick to do? Rob a bank?

My own, too many years ago now, involved a shag alongside an utterly deserted riverside path
Deserted, that is, apart from the path on the other side which we didn't even know was there, along which sauntered a rambling group

This would have been bad enough, but one old guy had brought his binoculars along - and he was using them

Mine's in the same region as @User583 - went to a co-ed boarding school at 16 and got it on with my bf just before the girls had to go back to their own boarding houses at night. Finished to find the bed and his nether regions covered in blood, and me with blood coming out downstairs. Had to go back to my boarding house convinced I was going to bleed to death, only for him to turn up later, having had to get special permission to come over after lights-out, to let me know that he'd just discovered a tiny scratch on his tackle. I think I'd caught him with my fingernail. Had no idea that a cut that small could produce that much blood!!