To ask about the funniest sex thing that's ever happened to you

[FuckingFabulous]

It's Valentine's. It's a sexy day (for some). And my husband and I were talking about Valentine's past, before we met each other.

My husband had me in stitches telling me about a teenage romance where they were shagging in secret in the girls room, parents happily gardening and thinking the two teens were innocently studying and chastely exchanging lovely cards.

He was vigorously thrusting mid act, went for a position change and neglected to realise there was a heavy wooden shelf above the bed, so whacked his head across the bottom, knocked everything off the shelf in a deafening crash and knocked himself out in the process. He said he recalled a blinding pain, realised he was standing up totally nude, hearing the footsteps of the parents pounding up the stairs, swaying and groaning and heard himself saying "fuck! No!"

Then he remembers being in A&E with a very, very irate girlfriend's Dad who told DH he ruined his Valentine's evening with his wife and he'd spoken to DH's Dad, who was coming to get him. DH went to his Dad's car after having a few stitches and a leaflet about concussion, only to be greeted by his lovely Dad trying to have a Big Chat with him, telling him he ought not to be embarrassed and he understood the passion of Valentine's himself. Cemented this by telling DH that they had not wanted another child, but the Valentine's mood led them to be less cautious and that's why he was born in November, 6 years after his only sibling.

So I'm asking for your funny sex stories!

(Long term poster, not a journalist, not a troll!)

@KiteAir

There's always one. You decide to share something on an anonymous forum, because someone asked... and get accused of trolling.

I pee'd
My BF laughed
The dog barked
The man shouted

It was in the Isabella Plantation section of Richmond Park in around 2001, so now any of my friends who are aware of this tale, will know it's me.

And yes I name changed to this name specifically for this thread, hence happy to share details.

@DogDmur

I once snapped and farted

I’ve just had giggles at remembering that thread, I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much 😂😂

Threw up whilst giving a blow job. All over his underwear, penis and trousers.

I just can’t do them . I didn’t feel horrified or embarrassed either.

Dh's very strictly religious parents and sister were babysitting for us while we went to a friend's one summer. At the time DS was very into dressing up and he had a blanket box in his room with dressing up clothes that we rotated with other clothes in a box under our bed. He insisted on showing MIL, FIL and SIL who all came upstairs to see DS drag out a box from under our bed and lift the lid with a flourish. Only the box he'd dragged out was the one full of our bondage gear and toys. I've yet to look any of them in the eyes since then...

There was the time the kids were all away and so we decided to have some rather noisy daytime sex in our bedroom. Immediatly afterwards we realised our bedroom window was open, because we heard someone say " I guess the show's over now" and walk off. I've always wondered if it was a random passer by or a neighbour.

When were were first married, we were having sex one night in a rainstorm, and just at the critical moment, the house, which was on a hill, was hit by lightening. It was absolutely ear-splitting, and it exploded our television and made a black spot on the wall behind it that we never managed to wash off.

@XPuppetry

We were staying in a fancy glamping site. We had both had a bit to drink, and feeling perticularly adventurous had a very long sex session, lots of trying different positions. We had tried to be careful noise wise, so we're feeling pretty pleased with ourselves as we walked to get washed etc after. Opposite our tent was a large group sitting out side with drinks, who made a bit of an odd "helllloooo" sort of comment but laughed it off

On the way back we realised that our tent light was on, and you could see the silhouette of everything in the tent. We had unintentionally given a whole range of people an erotic shadow puppet show

We left very early in the morning, and have never left our latern on since

A place we stayed in Italy had one way glass in the door, you could see out but not in. A few days later, after many a happy night, I had walked over to the car and realised on the way back, that at night, if the inside light was on, the door was just normal glass.

Back in the 1980s, I decided that it was a good idea to give my BF a blow job whilst he was driving up the M1. (Obviously not recommended from a safety point of view!) What we hadn't realised was that a lorry driver had seen what I was doing through the sunroof. And he then obviously let all the other lorry drivers know via their CB radios. We had every lorry driver for many miles hooting and flashing their lights at us...

On a camping holiday, we spent an evening sitting around the fire drinking all of the wine and watching the stars. We decided to sneak into the next field which was full of wildflowers and get frisky, thinking it would be terribly romantic in the moonlight.

After much drunken stumbling and shushing we picked a promising spot, set to doggy style and promptly fell in a heap. He lost his erection, I fell on a slug and felt it pop. We were trapped prone in a cold dark damp field with our trousers round our ankles, and laughing too much to move.
Just as I’d given the whole thing up as a bad job, he asked me to marry him. And I did I’ve never be able to tell this story IRL so we had to invent a whole other proposal

@BeastOfBODMAS

On a camping holiday, we spent an evening sitting around the fire drinking all of the wine and watching the stars. We decided to sneak into the next field which was full of wildflowers and get frisky, thinking it would be terribly romantic in the moonlight. After much drunken stumbling and shushing we picked a promising spot, set to doggy style and promptly fell in a heap. He lost his erection, I fell on a slug and felt it pop. We were trapped prone in a cold dark damp field with our trousers round our ankles, and laughing too much to move. Just as I’d given the whole thing up as a bad job, he asked me to marry him. And I did I’ve never be able to tell this story IRL so we had to invent a whole other proposal

Awww, how oddly romantic!

@BeastOfBODMAS

On a camping holiday, we spent an evening sitting around the fire drinking all of the wine and watching the stars. We decided to sneak into the next field which was full of wildflowers and get frisky, thinking it would be terribly romantic in the moonlight. After much drunken stumbling and shushing we picked a promising spot, set to doggy style and promptly fell in a heap. He lost his erection, I fell on a slug and felt it pop. We were trapped prone in a cold dark damp field with our trousers round our ankles, and laughing too much to move. Just as I’d given the whole thing up as a bad job, he asked me to marry him. And I did I’ve never be able to tell this story IRL so we had to invent a whole other proposal

My husband and I have to tell a bit of a story too. We tell people we met for coffee after talking online for months. We did, genuinely. But the coffee was at my house and it went cold in the kitchen as we were pretty much instantly shagging. And it wasn't even meant to be that! Genuinely were going to meet in person finally, have a coffee and a proper vocal chat. He kissed me on the cheek, turned for the lips and there was something about it that made me think "yep, getting naked is the only thing to do now." Couldn't tell that story on our wedding day, but DH said "there was something really special about those first few hours we spent together that made me want to come again." I knew what he meant. He knew what he meant. Everyone else had "awwwww" faces at him.

Ha had completely forgotten about this until I started reading these stories.

DP and I had been out one night, come back rather shitfaced and started having sex. We always get a bit more wild when we’re drunk. We were doing it doggy but for some reason we were horizontal on the bed so my head was hanging over the side, DP thrusted a bit too hard and I fell headfirst of the bed, friction burning my lip and bursting my nose. Awkward trying to cover that up on Monday morning for work ... oh it’s a coldsore

Haha excellent @FuckingFabulous , I guess when you know, you know, and there’s no point hanging about!

@ThatsnotmyBorishishairistoneat

NotQuiteUsual I posted it on another thread but whatever. During the first lockdown, being home together all the time got to me and DH. So we put the kids to bed early one night and had loud, passionate sex on the lounge floor. It was one of our top shags, but I remebered halfway through the window was open. Figured it was fine, cos no one was out. They were all hone staying safe and all that.

That is, until we finish and the entire world fucking erupts into applause. We're laying there, sweaty and panting wondering how the fuck we were so loud that the entire street not only heard, but felt it appropriate to applaud our efforts. We're halfway between laughing and freaking out. Turned out it was the first Thursday Key worker clap. We'd lost track of days and completely forgotten about it.

Surely your dcs heard?

That's exactly why we were in the lounge. As far away from the kids room as possible, when the doors are shut noise doesn't travel from the lounge to their room(which is how they got away with some god awful messes up there) plus they'd been asleep an hour by that point and sleep like the dead, much to our young neighbours delight who could party prelockdown guilt free. Believe it or not, but we're quite capable of taking precautions to protect our dcs well being while maintaining a good sex life

Another cat one. We had recently got our new kitten. I thought she was safely in her cage that we used at the time ( because she wanted to sleep in our bed with us and we were worried about crushing her) - obviously didn’t shut it properly . Mid flow DH stops . The kitten was apparently delicately playing with his dangling balls. 🤣

meant to say that there was a convenient step in the shower!

Massive fanny fart, that luckily we both found hilarious, but to add more hilarity farted more the harder I laughed, in time with the laughter!

Few weeks ago my lockdown lover was over one afternoon for a session whilst the kids were at school. We were hard at it in the upstairs bedroom when I hear a squeaking at the window. Yes harder! I was shouting at the boyf, in the throes of passion ...it was the bloody window cleaner with his long pole, giving my window a wash at that precise moment... I'm sure he heard the whole thing .....

Hubby and I had a rather energetic horny session, everything got a bit ‘wet’ at the end, when I got off him his Willy bounced back up and splashed him in his face 🤣🤣 trying not to laugh and wake the kids made it even funnier!

With an ex who tbh was not just a bit crap, but he was really very horrid, he didn’t have any redeeming features. My self-esteem was non-existent after splitting up with XH, so I was not just putting up with him, I was ‘trying’ 🙄 I’d lit candles in the bedroom & to the rhythm of his own selfish thrusts, he said “there’s. A. Fire. There’s. A. Fire.” I’m thinking ‘well there might be for you sunshine but I can’t wait until this is over’ then I saw the flames out of the corner of my eye! He just carried on in his own world, while I’m trying to extract myself. He didn’t even help once he’d finished! One bedside table lamp gone & no happy ending for me. Funny nonetheless.

am not sure how rest of you all go bout ir..our jeans were tangled on floor-as ever my phone chrgs on pillow-he was kinda busy behind me n i moved my foot ...my phone starts ringing..his name blazes on screen...he actually md moment stopped..said "thats sick babe..like beyond wrong...who would do that-am gony answer it"...i thonk i said,something like fine.when you realise one of us is crushing your dial button we can start again...properly this time.......i think if i was sneaky that would be ultimate decoy.im just not tho....

being silly in bed ,accidentally scratching him.Then him yelling arrgg me nips.Then both of us pausing realising the stupidly of it and breaking down laughing for a good few mins.He said the next day at work it randomly popped into his head and he couldn't stop laughing =p

I suppose I'm an innocent but I don't know what an FWB is or a 'banjo string' however, when AmandaHL mentioned two little sizzling poussins I jumped to completely the wrong conclusion. Until I read they were stuffed with lemons.

Three years ago at Uni and it seemed a good idea after a bottle of white. Hot guy, Everything set up, Hit the play on the remote before as I ran through the door. (Sia Chandelier) Into the candle lit room with a nice pirouette in a powder puff tutu. (Skirt nothing else) into my intendeds arms. Only it was my roomies new BF who then dropped the take away. I kind of lost my appetite anyway. x

Theres been a few embarrassing moments, unfortunately! Some funny but this one was pretty mortifying at the time!

My husband and I were having abit of fun at his parents house (this is going back 12 years ago when we first started going out) we were being really quiet when all of a sudden, his mum knocks on the door but doesn't actually wait for an answer and just comes in (she used to do this from time to time!) DP had just popped his head up from 'down there' but I was the one facing her. Luckily I had my top still on so I just grabbed a cushion and put it over my legs but it was obvious what we had been doing...I can't even remember what she asked but I do remember not being able to look her in the eye!

It was a usual day, we had both been preparing dinner together, while it was cooking we decided to come to the bedroom...not even five minutes into it , I could feel a tingling sensation and I thought ohhh this is different but seconds later my vagina was on fire 🔥 , I asked him what on earth he had put on me, I went to the bathroom and I had to have a look down there, fuck me it was ugly, red and swollen , while I started splashing it with the cold tap water he started flapping around like a fish out of water😅 it wasn't until we ate our dinner that we realised we had been chopping up scotch bonnet pepper!!