To ask about the funniest sex thing that's ever happened to you

[FuckingFabulous]

It's Valentine's. It's a sexy day (for some). And my husband and I were talking about Valentine's past, before we met each other.

My husband had me in stitches telling me about a teenage romance where they were shagging in secret in the girls room, parents happily gardening and thinking the two teens were innocently studying and chastely exchanging lovely cards.

He was vigorously thrusting mid act, went for a position change and neglected to realise there was a heavy wooden shelf above the bed, so whacked his head across the bottom, knocked everything off the shelf in a deafening crash and knocked himself out in the process. He said he recalled a blinding pain, realised he was standing up totally nude, hearing the footsteps of the parents pounding up the stairs, swaying and groaning and heard himself saying "fuck! No!"

Then he remembers being in A&E with a very, very irate girlfriend's Dad who told DH he ruined his Valentine's evening with his wife and he'd spoken to DH's Dad, who was coming to get him. DH went to his Dad's car after having a few stitches and a leaflet about concussion, only to be greeted by his lovely Dad trying to have a Big Chat with him, telling him he ought not to be embarrassed and he understood the passion of Valentine's himself. Cemented this by telling DH that they had not wanted another child, but the Valentine's mood led them to be less cautious and that's why he was born in November, 6 years after his only sibling.

So I'm asking for your funny sex stories!

(Long term poster, not a journalist, not a troll!)

Me riding him like the clappers on top.. gripped hold of the long planked wooden headboard behind him. The top plank came off in my hands and I just awkwardly held up this massive cheap length of wood aloft for another few minutes until he finished. I'm quite strong but must have looked ridiculous.

Same guy met me in a hotel room in Berlin and we jumped straight on the bed for a shag. It wasn't until afterwards we realised that 2 small Ritter Sport chocolate bars had been left on the pillows and we'd squashed them into the bedding, melted chocolate smeared everywhere. We had to leave a very apologetic note for the housekeeping staff, although I reckon that must have happened a lot.

@Neverspeakofthisagain

NC'd for this one as I've told this story to a couple of friends.

Was with an ex boyfriend. We had spent a lazy, hot afternoon eating a picnic and drinking champagne in a huge park, but in a sort of enclosed, planted area with lots of bushes and tiny bridges and hidden grassy spaces. So although it was reasonably busy, where we were was very secluded. Much later in the afternoon when it was even quieter we started having tipsy sex on a blanket. We were both feeling quite bold and he asked me to pee on him. At first I said no - hadn't done that before - but he asked again and we were having a laugh so i said ok. So I sat across him and at first I couldn't go - like when you can't wee in a public loo - but then I managed to get a bit of wee out onto his chest and it was making me laugh, and he was laughing and it was a bit sexy because it was dirty and whatever.... Anyway, a bit of wee splashed his face and he didn't seem to mind, so I started to relax into it.

Then out of nowhere a fucking Yorkshire terrier appears yapping and snapping at my back and the next thing I know, some middle aged bloke comes crashing through the bushes shouting for 'Reggie' and my boyfriend starts laughing, but then Reggie's owner appears and is rooted to the spot just staring at us, and can I stop weeing? Can I fuck. We'd had two bottles of champagnes, the floodgates are open, and it's gushing out - and because I'm sat astride my boyfriend, he is completely trapped and he is laughing so wee is going in his mouth. So now he is half laughing/half spluttering and the bloke with the dog is incandescent with rage and shouting at us for being disgusting in a Royal Park, and his rage makes my boyfriend laugh more, and still the wee is coming and still the dog is yapping, until finally I stop. And then do the little extra end trickle bit and for some reason, I turn my head and say 'Sorry about that. How old is your dog?' And to this day, I have no idea why I said that, but he clipped the dog onto the lead and stormed out through the bushes threatening to call the police. We laughed till we cried and I have never done wee-sex again.

Actually laughing on my own at this, so funny!

An ex-boyfriend and I were having sex on his office desk. When we finished I realised that I'd shagged my hair into a pile of papers and blu-tack. He had to help me cut the mess out and we left this chunk of my hair in the bin! I had to get a hairdresser to fix the problem later. I was also on my period at the time, it was a total mess.

Not directly sex-related but with the same guy - I also managed to set fire to my hair on a date, by leaning over a candle. It made a god-awful smell and the bartender came over to ask what was wrong.

Dtd at ex house. Jizzed all over the wooden headboard.
His mum let herself in, we legged it downstairs. She said "I'll start upstairs" and before she could be stopped she was in the bedroom stripping sheets. Fucking toe curling. I was 17... He was 30....his mum did his cleaning...

@AmandaHoldensLips

Valentine's day. Spontaneous kitchen sex. In the afterglow, he checks the low-level oven, slides out the roasting tin and his tackle dangles into the roasting tin.

It made the most awful hissing sound just before his blood-curdling scream...

This is horrifying but I can't stop laughing. I think it's the hissing sound description of sizzling sausage.

Many years ago I had a partner who was very well-endowed and at the time I had a coil inserted. Every time we got amorous he would come out with scratches on the end of his member.
I spoke to my gp saying that I thought the extraction thread was too long because it was causing my partner damage.
On inspecting the thread my gp looked up from between my legs and said 'aren't you a lucky girl, there's only about a cm in this side of your cervix, a lot of people, both genders, would give anything for an 11 inch penis! '
I still asked him to trim the thread though.

Was visiting my mate and her bloke and all of a sudden her chihuahua came trotting through with a condom hanging out of its mouth that had a knot tied in it to keep it secure after use

Howling at some of these.

Mine are not as funny but here goes.
Many years ago me and DH has a rate night in the house child free (only 4 kids then) anyway we decided to have some fun with baby oil but I didn't want it in the bedroom so we decided to get a large plastic dust sheet and tape it to the lounge floor.
We are slipping and sliding everywhere and decided we obviously used too much oil so we ended up naked breakdancing with me on my back grabbing my ankles while he spins me round.
It was a great night with no sex and me trying to wash baby oil out of my hair for the next few days but my skin is still soft from it.

Got my nipple piercing stuck in the leg of a fishnet bodysuit

Had sex with a guy after a uni ball. It was my friends brother. Few months later and we are all having a conversation about virginity and I say I've never slept with a virgin
Friend "you did. My brother"
Oops

@morninglive

Had a dress up shag in the old stockings and suspenders thing. I was on top and about to sit on his penis, when I decided to slip it into the stocking top. Thought it was sexy lol!

DH says, what do you want my dick to do? Rob a bank?

You should have replied that you wanted it to slip into your vault.

Before we were married, DH and I always had separate bedrooms if we stayed at his parents.

On one occasion DH crept into my room for a little night-time visit and we were going at it fairly discreetly (with him holding the headboard still etc) when we both paused, listened and realised his parents (in their 60s at this point) were doing the same in the room adjoining mine. Unmistakeable sounds.

Poor DH rolled off me, muttered “Fgs, I can’t do this with that going on, sorry” and went back to his own room, horrified and...rather frustrated. I thought it was very funny.

@6demandingchildren

Howling at some of these.

Mine are not as funny but here goes.
Many years ago me and DH has a rate night in the house child free (only 4 kids then) anyway we decided to have some fun with baby oil but I didn't want it in the bedroom so we decided to get a large plastic dust sheet and tape it to the lounge floor.
We are slipping and sliding everywhere and decided we obviously used too much oil so we ended up naked breakdancing with me on my back grabbing my ankles while he spins me round.
It was a great night with no sex and me trying to wash baby oil out of my hair for the next few days but my skin is still soft from it.

You know what, that actually sounds like a brilliantly fun night!

I must admit that having been celibate for years now, most of these posts just make me feel glad I don’t have to deal with the messy, smelly, embarrassing aspects of sex any more. This, though... for some reason, I turn my head and say 'Sorry about that. How old is your dog?' made me cry laughing, so thanks for that @Neverspeakofthisagain.

Oh and all the posters who are just here to to pass judgement with their ‘vile’ and ‘grim’ pearl-clutching and troll-hunting... why bother reading a thread like this if you’re just going to shame people? Or is that the point for you?

[quote Neverspeakofthisagain]@KiteAir

There's always one. You decide to share something on an anonymous forum, because someone asked... and get accused of trolling.

I pee'd
My BF laughed
The dog barked
The man shouted

It was in the Isabella Plantation section of Richmond Park in around 2001, so now any of my friends who are aware of this tale, will know it's me.

And yes I name changed to this name specifically for this thread, hence happy to share details.[/quote]
@Neverspeakofthisagain I read your post and thought ‘that sounds exactly the Isabella Plantation; the bit down the bottom by the smaller pond’ - and I was right.

When living in the Middle East, my OH had a day off work and during the morning we got down to it.
Midway, for some reason, his nose started absolutely gushing blood.
It was all over my face, the bed, him, everywhere.
Just as we were dashing to the bathroom to clean up, our maid walked in. She dropped the laundry in shock and started wailing in Arabic before dashing back out and returning with a policeman.
She thought my OH was trying to murder me 😂

@6demandingchildren

Howling at some of these.

Mine are not as funny but here goes.
Many years ago me and DH has a rate night in the house child free (only 4 kids then) anyway we decided to have some fun with baby oil but I didn't want it in the bedroom so we decided to get a large plastic dust sheet and tape it to the lounge floor.
We are slipping and sliding everywhere and decided we obviously used too much oil so we ended up naked breakdancing with me on my back grabbing my ankles while he spins me round.
It was a great night with no sex and me trying to wash baby oil out of my hair for the next few days but my skin is still soft from it.

I am howling at this 🤣🤣🤣

@Happygogoat

Have posted this story on a funny dating thread before but...

Was dating a guy, he lived at home so one time we went back to his (parents) place - I hadn’t been before and didn’t think they were home anyway. Things got amorous, and after the deed I asked him where the loo was. He pointed me to the door. I waltz across the landing starkers and in to the bathroom.

But oh no. It was not the bathroom. It was his parents bedroom!

AND THE DAD WAS GOING DOWN ON THE MUM.

Cue us all gasping/shouting in horror and legging it about the place naked.

Hahahahah!!! 🤣

@ClaudiasWinkleMan
@NoAuthorityAtAll

Good spot on the location. @NoAuthority - yes, near the small pond is EXACTLY where it was. In one of those tiny grassy clearings in amongst the hydrangeas and bushes.

I still walk in there sometimes and think of it every time whilst I'm chatting to a fellow mum/dog Walker about recipes and GCSEs.

@Deargreenplace

Me riding him like the clappers on top.. gripped hold of the long planked wooden headboard behind him. The top plank came off in my hands and I just awkwardly held up this massive cheap length of wood aloft for another few minutes until he finished. I'm quite strong but must have looked ridiculous.

Same guy met me in a hotel room in Berlin and we jumped straight on the bed for a shag. It wasn't until afterwards we realised that 2 small Ritter Sport chocolate bars had been left on the pillows and we'd squashed them into the bedding, melted chocolate smeared everywhere. We had to leave a very apologetic note for the housekeeping staff, although I reckon that must have happened a lot.

This made me think of...

This is the most brilliant thread. Thank you so much for cheering up my week!

My funniest story doesn't seem as funny as yours any more. But I was young and having enthusiastic sex with my first proper boyfriend. I was on top. I have no idea how we did it, but my chin connected with his nose, there was an audible crack and he howled in pain! Not the sexy time we had planned

The very funniest sex was with another ex, though. We were enjoying being with each other for the first time in a few weeks and ended up role playing that we were losing our virginity to each other. At the end the whole concept just seemed so hilarious to both of us simultaneously that somehow that we both got the giggles and I laughed so much I was in tears.

This thread is amazing! I don’t really have much in the way of stories, i was a very late bloomer so not really had much sex but it has reminded me of a time with my ex - about a month after we’d lost our virginity to each other, i was awkwardly getting on top which was funny anyway as being plus sized and uncoordinated made it a very unsexy undertaking. Just as I’m trying to lower myself on (usually took us a few tries) my left wrist gave way and I collapsed on top of him! As I looked at him in shock he said “on the plus side...I’m in!” 😅

Not the funniest but I wanted to join in...I’ll try and think of any more. Oh there is the fact that almost every time he fingered me, I farted. Not a fanny fart, just a fart! I don’t think they were real farts as they never smelled and were v short, think it was more the movement and pressure of what was going on in my vagina but still kind of embarrassing. The first couple of times it happened we stopped to laugh, after a while we managed to ignore it but it did annoy me! Happened with the first (only) person I slept with after we split as well but I don’t think he noticed!

I haven't laughed out loud so much in ages

@NoAuthorityAtAll 😂 love Alan

@StormcloakNord

That reminds me of the time that my ex tried dirty talking with me. He said very seriously ‘come and sit on my fanny’...

Oh how I have absolutely howled with laughter at pizza vagina and knob robber 😂😂

I too have snapped a banjo string. An ex of mine, we were both rather drunk. I was going down on him and he said hold on what’s that (light was off he just noticed something wasn’t right) I turned the light on and the blood was everywhere. Then his pain kicked in!

We phoned a taxi and went to a&e. Unknown to me I sat in the waiting room like a vampire, with the blood all around my mouth. He came out in almost a nappy.

We didn’t last long but were still friendly when we met out. He always said remember that time you broke me 😂

I actually think of him a lot, nobody as ever made me laugh like he did. We’re not in contact now but I hope he’s doing well.