To ask about the funniest sex thing that's ever happened to you

[FuckingFabulous]

It's Valentine's. It's a sexy day (for some). And my husband and I were talking about Valentine's past, before we met each other.

My husband had me in stitches telling me about a teenage romance where they were shagging in secret in the girls room, parents happily gardening and thinking the two teens were innocently studying and chastely exchanging lovely cards.

He was vigorously thrusting mid act, went for a position change and neglected to realise there was a heavy wooden shelf above the bed, so whacked his head across the bottom, knocked everything off the shelf in a deafening crash and knocked himself out in the process. He said he recalled a blinding pain, realised he was standing up totally nude, hearing the footsteps of the parents pounding up the stairs, swaying and groaning and heard himself saying "fuck! No!"

Then he remembers being in A&E with a very, very irate girlfriend's Dad who told DH he ruined his Valentine's evening with his wife and he'd spoken to DH's Dad, who was coming to get him. DH went to his Dad's car after having a few stitches and a leaflet about concussion, only to be greeted by his lovely Dad trying to have a Big Chat with him, telling him he ought not to be embarrassed and he understood the passion of Valentine's himself. Cemented this by telling DH that they had not wanted another child, but the Valentine's mood led them to be less cautious and that's why he was born in November, 6 years after his only sibling.

So I'm asking for your funny sex stories!

(Long term poster, not a journalist, not a troll!)

we sneeked back knowing my parents were out, were in my bedroom undressed when we heard their car down the drive, I had to put on a dressing gown to go downstairs and let them in, at same time boyfriend (now husband) crept downstairs and out front door, to then go down drive to back door to look as if he had just arrived, a neighbour opposite looked very astonished!

@AmandaHoldensLips

He totally wasn't okay and he was balancing a roasting pan with two little sizzling poussins stuffed with lemon. Naked except oven gloves. The crown jewels basted in hot chicken fat. Screaming "aaaarrrggghhh - take the pan! take the pan!" which I couldn't because I was naked too and laughing my arse off.

Grabbed a bag of peas from the freezer, split them open and shoved his rodger into the bag.

We could have sold tickets...

Don’t know what’s funnier, the mental image or the fact he’d taken the trouble to wear oven gloves.

DanniM1986
I was just thinking the same thing. Go read a different post if they ears offend thee

This thread is hilarious!!

My husband once sneezed mid thrust when doing missionary, only to deposit a massive glob of snot right between my boobs. Luckily we both laughed, and still laugh about it 😆🤣

I'm loving reading these but not quite brave enough to put my story on here because there are people here who know me by my Harmonypuss name 😳

Same here this one I will share. I had a very tall boyfriend. We dated for months but sex was awkward and sometimes painful. I had to visit doctors so mentioned the discomfort. Apparently I'm a small woman and he's a large man so was hitting my bowel through my foo. Doctor just said to experiment positions. I was mortified and couldnt get out fast enough

Nicknamed him vlad after that

I once had a boyfriend who owned a (very shabby) yacht that he was refitting. We used to spend weekends at the marina renovating it.
One afternoon, we got sidetracked and had a shag on one of the bunks.

When I got up and bent over to put my knickers back on, he started laughing.

I had a piece of marine ply approx 2" square stuck to my arse. It had been left sticky side up on the bunk waiting for the glue to get "tacky".

It was more than fucking tacky, it was stuck solid. We ended up going to Gillingham hospital to get it removed, and the doctor and nurse that sorted it out were plainly struggling to contain their guffaws.

I have never been so embarrassed in my life. Whatever they used to dissolve the glue stung like fuck too, and the red mark on my arse was still visible a year later.

Bumped into a male friend on night out,much drink later ended up taking him home to my single bed (still living at home) next morning my mum walks in totally oblivious to the fact I'm not alone in the bed,starts picking up random clothes,gets to jeans and starts shouting at me for starting smoking again.I have to quickly mutter that they are not my Jeans and could she please leave as male friend pops his head up and says hello.
To make matters worse the male friend then goes back to his family home (did I mention he's my brother in laws brother,in my defence I met him first)and tells my sister he's just had a lovely breakfast at ours 😳.
Same friend on another occasion, I fell asleep mid blow job 😊

ddot and his no is?

my now DH and I still students - squeezing into my single bed in my shared student house. Far too much vodka - I fell out of bed and whacked my eye on the corner of my bedside cupboard - very very luckily for me I only ended up badly cutting around my eye socket where I still have a scar. Had to go to A&E. I got taken to one side and asked if my boyf (now DH) was beating me as 6 weeks before I had been in with a broken ankle (I was still in my cast but like a walking boot) that was after a bad fall down some stairs after too much vodka again.

I’m loving these . I have tears rolling down my cheeks . Absolutely hilarious

I've had to come into the kitchen to read this thread as dh was trying to watch the news & I'm ugly laughing! 😂 😂 😂

@Pliu

FWB = Friend With Benefits

Banjo String = Slang for the frenulum, or in other words the little strip of skin that connects the foreskin to the head.

Glad to be of service
(I also wondered about the Poussins)

I’d been out drinking, met up with a few friends and a guy that I’d seen around was there, we hit it off straight away, I ended up back at his house (not realising he lived with his parents) did the deed, fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later with the urgent need for a wee, walked out to the bathroom in just his t-shirt to find his mum my old English teacher coming out the bathroom...

@cricketmum84

Fell asleep whilst ex bf was giving oral. He really wasn't very good at it.

Fell asleep during sex too , I was so tired had a few drinks, I woke up and guy was still going for it!

@StormcloakNord

DH tried his hand at dirty talking once and got completely mixed up.

He said to me "Stick your dick in my mouth" obviously meaning the reverse.

I looked down, noted the absence of a penis, and we burst out laughing. Killed the mood completely

I'm trying so hard not to wake a sleeping baby but my god this one got me hard 😩😂😂😂

Oh ffs I don't mean it got me hard 😳😂😂😂😂 I meant got me LAUGHING hard 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

@DogDmur

I once snapped and farted

Dying

Tied up my husband and was giving him head, glanced up at him and there was the mother of all spiders on his belly 😱
So naturally I screamed and jumped up and he broke the ties trying to slap his belly and kill it 😂
Never seen someone lose an erection that quickly.
But my god-I nearly had a heart attack when I saw that spider right in front of my face 🕷😂

*My period started and when he withdrew his todger looked like a skinned rabbit.

He was gagging, sweating and heaving...

I was very embarrassed.*

It's only blood FFS

When me and DH first got together I needed some time as my exh had been an abusive arsehole. My very lovely DH waited patiently for a LONG time. Ifinally felt comfortable enough to DTD. Set the scene, candles, wine, new underwear, the works. When he walked in i draped myself across him and purred i was ready, fully expecting him to rip what little clothing I had off and give me the sorting of my life. I looks up and he looks mortified. Really worried now I ask whats wrong. In his words" I had a wank just before i left the house to make sure I didnt pester you, and now I couldnt get up with scaffolding !!" We howled with laughter and had a cuddle instead( then did it later lol !)

I met this super cool Italian bloke in a squat in Rome. He usually lived in Germany, but was back visiting, and staying with his parents, who were super religious. One weekend he told me, with some excitement, that they'd gone away to attend a two day prayer meeting somewhere in the countryside. So, I went over there, and we got it on (in the living room, which was where he was sleeping).

Of course his dad popped back to pick some things up mid- shag. I never met him, I just heard his voice from the other side of the door. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE??? GET HER OUT NOW, OR I'LL THROW HER OUT IN THE STREET IN HER KNICKERS!!" My fun partner reverted to a scared little boy and started apologising and apologising.

Luckily, there were two exits to the flat, so I didn't have to face this terrible ogre. Once we got out into the street I started laughing and laughing, but my gentleman friend was mortified.

Me and my first boyfriend were 17 and it was difficult to get the chance to have relations as we both lived at home with our parents/families.
One night after a few sherberts, the bf was walking me to the bus stop to get the last bus home, we were snogging every few yards, you know young love and friskiness the need was urgent so needed a place for a quicky, we jumped over a wall into a public garden type of area that was closed of an evening, we hadn't undressed just dropped our jeans and was having a very enjoyable time, when we heard people in the garden we obviously freaked out and pulled our jeans up and was running out of there as fast as we could, he cleared the wall that we'd climbed over on the way in, I tried but could not get over the wall! Panic stricken at this point thinking I am going to get caught I dived head first over the wall landing on my boyfriend in a heap on the floor. It appears in my rush to pull my jeans up and escape the people I hadn't managed to pull my knickers up with my jeans meaning my knickers were still stuck somewhere around my knees restricting my wall scaling abilities!
To add insult to injury all of this happened in front the night bus service (double decker) that was full of people! Whilst wondering if the bus people has seen it all! Then to top it all off I still couldn't access said knickers to pull them from around my knees and had to waddle to the bus as that was my bus home!