To ask about the funniest sex thing that's ever happened to you

[FuckingFabulous]

It's Valentine's. It's a sexy day (for some). And my husband and I were talking about Valentine's past, before we met each other.

My husband had me in stitches telling me about a teenage romance where they were shagging in secret in the girls room, parents happily gardening and thinking the two teens were innocently studying and chastely exchanging lovely cards.

He was vigorously thrusting mid act, went for a position change and neglected to realise there was a heavy wooden shelf above the bed, so whacked his head across the bottom, knocked everything off the shelf in a deafening crash and knocked himself out in the process. He said he recalled a blinding pain, realised he was standing up totally nude, hearing the footsteps of the parents pounding up the stairs, swaying and groaning and heard himself saying "fuck! No!"

Then he remembers being in A&E with a very, very irate girlfriend's Dad who told DH he ruined his Valentine's evening with his wife and he'd spoken to DH's Dad, who was coming to get him. DH went to his Dad's car after having a few stitches and a leaflet about concussion, only to be greeted by his lovely Dad trying to have a Big Chat with him, telling him he ought not to be embarrassed and he understood the passion of Valentine's himself. Cemented this by telling DH that they had not wanted another child, but the Valentine's mood led them to be less cautious and that's why he was born in November, 6 years after his only sibling.

So I'm asking for your funny sex stories!

(Long term poster, not a journalist, not a troll!)

@Emeraldshamrock 😂😂 seriously I've never gone as rampant on top since incase it happens again. I've always feared he might bag more than a malteaser surprise next time!!! 😳

Happily bouncing away, me on top, and my nose tickles. I'm trying to fend it off, but on a downstroke I let loose the most enormous sneeze - and open my eyes to a scene of absolute carnage. Blood everywhere, he looked like an Aztec human sacrifice by heart removal.

Somehow my nose has decided that was the perfect moment to bleed, for no apparent reason. And did it big style. DP says that an absolutely solid column of blood shot out of me driven by the sneeze and hit dead centre on his chest, splashing everywhere! My nose was barely dripping afterward, one wipe and nothing more. He was covered from sternum to crotch, I was heavily spattered from the bounceback. The explosion pattern on the sheet was something else, wish there had been phone cameras back then! Total crime scene.

After making sure I was actually okay "It's just a little blood, won't put me off" he says and we carried on and both got off, then both got off and carried on to the shower :) We had to spend quite a while scrubbing it off each other, chest hairs and pubes being what they are, and the sheet never recovered.

@MrsW150917 Brilliant 🤣

It's awful when you finish DTD and find the cat on the end of the bed silently judging you. Like they're going to give you marks out of 10 for style & performance.

Name Change for this as told a few the story and it is identifying.

Mid 90's, first serious boyfriend, hot sunny day and we were older teens in love. His parents had gone out so cue us getting frisky and eventually heading up to his bedroom. He has me on my knees from behind, upper body splayed flat against the bedroom door when he suddenly announces 'what was that sound?'
We jump up in panic and he gets his boxers on and goes to check. I hear him shout from the bathroom (window overlooking the drive) 'Shit the cars in the drive, is home.' He runs in, we both fumble to find out clothes but I can't find my top so he heads downstairs while im still getting dressed.
He walks in the sitting room to find his step-mum sat on the sofa with a brew in one hand and half a cig in the other. Apparently she looked at him totally straight faced and I heard her say in the scariest ever MUM voice 'YES I am in.' Followed up with something along the lines of 'At least all the neighbours known your a stud, i could hear iFeedDucks as i turned into the driveway.' Never in all my life have i been so mortified and ashamed as I was in that moment (and i once pissed on sheep when i was drunk but thats another story) having to go downstairs and face the telling off I knew was coming. Then sit through the phone call to his dad, then the one to my parents and them all turning up and reading us the riot act.
I look back and laugh now though, can see how the humour in it and it makes for a real good story when theres a bunch of us together sharing stories when were drunk - obviously pre covid.
Hope it gave some chuckles to all reading.

@BrownFootStool

I was saying 'oh yes oh yes' but realised I was saying it just like that dog Churchill on the advert, and for some reason I couldnt stop saying it like that. Luckily the guy I was with wasnt from the UK so at least he wouldnt have got the reference.

This wins

My story is nothing short of a nightmare.

I had been seeing this lovely lovely guy and we had been on a few dates prior to this and it was going really well.

He picked me up and decided to take me to this gorgeous Mongolian restaurant and the food was just exquisite. We left after dinner and proceeded onto a few bars and we were chatting and having a good time and I nipped off to the toilet and I found I had an upset stomach.

So, after a few toilet trips, I assumed I had emptied my bowels fully. Fast forward and we went back to his house to do the deed for the first time.

Again things were going well and both seemed to be enjoying ourselves. I’ll just add here he was temporarily living at his mums.

So we are doing the deed and we switch position and I get on top and as I sat down, gravity must of pushed my already loose bowel movement to the opening and then the inserting of said member, forced it out of me!!

In the throws of passion, a WHITE pillow had fallen on the floor and was conveniently positioned more or less in the line of fire.

When it first happened I didn’t realise immediately. I thought it was just maybe a little queef or I’d trumped, until I felt warmth and I could smell something. And so could he.

He said ‘have you trumped?’ And I looked behind me to see a mess and oh my days I was so embarrassed.

He said go clean yourself up in the toilet. So I did and I came back and he was smirking. Oh the shame. The pillow case was splattered, he had some on his balls and I was in need of a wash.

He was very nice about it and tried to reassure me and said don’t worry these things happen kind of thing but o was so embarrassed I just wanted to go home.

He stripped the bed and in the morning his mum asked why the covers were in the wash and he said I had been sick. Is he came in and said oh did you have a little too much to drink and was sick? I though, yeah been sick out of my arse!

Needless to say our romantic relationship didn’t last too much longer after that 🤣

@Serin

Holiday cottage in Cornwall, very secluded with no neighbours overlooking. We decided to have a few drinks in the garden one afternoon, one thing led to another safe in the knowledge that we weren't overlooked. Things progressed and we were DTD when we both became aware of an engine sound and nearly died when we saw one of those little minature trains full of families, slowly meandering through the bottom of our garden. I mean kids were waving.

Oh my god. 😂😂😂😂😂

@Appleofmyeye05

My story is nothing short of a nightmare.

I had been seeing this lovely lovely guy and we had been on a few dates prior to this and it was going really well.

He picked me up and decided to take me to this gorgeous Mongolian restaurant and the food was just exquisite. We left after dinner and proceeded onto a few bars and we were chatting and having a good time and I nipped off to the toilet and I found I had an upset stomach.

So, after a few toilet trips, I assumed I had emptied my bowels fully. Fast forward and we went back to his house to do the deed for the first time.

Again things were going well and both seemed to be enjoying ourselves. I’ll just add here he was temporarily living at his mums.

So we are doing the deed and we switch position and I get on top and as I sat down, gravity must of pushed my already loose bowel movement to the opening and then the inserting of said member, forced it out of me!!

In the throws of passion, a WHITE pillow had fallen on the floor and was conveniently positioned more or less in the line of fire.

When it first happened I didn’t realise immediately. I thought it was just maybe a little queef or I’d trumped, until I felt warmth and I could smell something. And so could he.

He said ‘have you trumped?’ And I looked behind me to see a mess and oh my days I was so embarrassed.

He said go clean yourself up in the toilet. So I did and I came back and he was smirking. Oh the shame. The pillow case was splattered, he had some on his balls and I was in need of a wash.

He was very nice about it and tried to reassure me and said don’t worry these things happen kind of thing but o was so embarrassed I just wanted to go home.

He stripped the bed and in the morning his mum asked why the covers were in the wash and he said I had been sick. Is he came in and said oh did you have a little too much to drink and was sick? I though, yeah been sick out of my arse!

Needless to say our romantic relationship didn’t last too much longer after that 🤣

This is the kind of thing that would pop into my head every time I felt satisfied with my life or proud of an achievement. My spiteful brain would whisper, "oh yes, this is all very lovely, but do you remember when you fired poo out of your arse like a super soaker water gun when you were having sex at that lovely man's house?"

Once I full on snogged my husband's nose in the near darkness. To be fair, I was drunk, but he has never let me forget it

This did make me laugh. A lot.

@Turnedouttoes

When I was about 18 I was invited to my boyfriends house for a fancy dinner cooked by his parents. I’d been feeling odd for a few days, no appetite at all and feeling exhausted so didn’t manage to eat much dinner.

After dinner we went upstairs, had sex and fell asleep naked with him spooning me. I woke myself up with the most almighty fart in the middle of the night, except it wasn’t a fart, I’d shit myself all over his naked body, willy and bed I had to wake him up and let him know what had happened.

Luckily he was very understanding as I was clearly quite unwell and couldn’t leave the toilet for the rest of the night and the next day but I was still absolutely mortified!

This is horrific! Poor you!!

@AmmarettoSours

Finished dtd stand up talking to him when it all came running out and landed in his shoe 😳 Read this one out to DP and he said "well I know not to leave my shoes near the bed now"

Funniest iv had pales in comparison to these but, when I was pregnant with DD my DP thought it would be hilarious to shout "omg it's got me" in the middle of dtd 🤣😂 we couldn't carry on we laughed so much

@AmmarettoSours deffo doesn't pale in comparison, that's hilarious 😂

I'm claiming the win on this one!
Armchair in a bay window, getting frisky from behind on a sunny Saturday afternoon. Curtains closed on the first floor, at the pivotal moment I pulled the curtains out of the wall to be greeted by around 30,000 football fans walking to the local, premier League football ground. Some of whom knew me from my job. Still get comments 15 years later.

I think
mine is when my bedroom caught fire. I was in a relationship with a woman then.. we were both about 22. I'd go into town to pick her up from a night out. She was a little bit drunk.
Got home, went to the bedroom, put some candles on. Was getting abit fruity on the bed, I was on top of her. I was just wearing these lycra girl boxers.. so anyway I suddenly hear this roar of fire and a bright orange glow. The obvious had happened and the candles caught my curtains on fire.
I've jump up and yanked the curtains down, a few bits firey curtain splatted on my arms, leg and my pants. My pants started burning so I ripped off my pants.
So here I am fully naked trying to put a fire out that's now burning the carpet, a pair of joggers that were on the floor all while my Mrs was just drunkenly laughing. A quick look around my room for something to put fire out.. First thing to hand was a 2 litre bottle of lime cordial!!
I nakedly put a fire out in my room with a bottle of lime cordial!! 🙈

[quote NancyPickford]**@FraggleShingleBellRock if you were having anal sex, how come you could see his face when you opened your eyes?[/quote]
oh dear someone has a lot to learn lol

I didn't have anything to add to this until last night. Not the funniest compared to some on this thread but DH threw me passionately onto the bed for me to land on an Upsy Daisy toy that then started singing "Upsy Daisy,here I come. I'm the only upsy one!" 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

@Neverspeakofthisagain

You win the thread by a cuntry mile!

@IdblowJonSnow. - I think I'm on the podium, but @elf1985 might have taken the Gold....

I had a strip eyelash which magically made its way to my back once when we were doing it from behind 😂😂

I asked why on earth he didn’t mention it he just said he ‘didn’t notice’