To ask about the funniest sex thing that's ever happened to you

[FuckingFabulous]

It's Valentine's. It's a sexy day (for some). And my husband and I were talking about Valentine's past, before we met each other.

My husband had me in stitches telling me about a teenage romance where they were shagging in secret in the girls room, parents happily gardening and thinking the two teens were innocently studying and chastely exchanging lovely cards.

He was vigorously thrusting mid act, went for a position change and neglected to realise there was a heavy wooden shelf above the bed, so whacked his head across the bottom, knocked everything off the shelf in a deafening crash and knocked himself out in the process. He said he recalled a blinding pain, realised he was standing up totally nude, hearing the footsteps of the parents pounding up the stairs, swaying and groaning and heard himself saying "fuck! No!"

Then he remembers being in A&E with a very, very irate girlfriend's Dad who told DH he ruined his Valentine's evening with his wife and he'd spoken to DH's Dad, who was coming to get him. DH went to his Dad's car after having a few stitches and a leaflet about concussion, only to be greeted by his lovely Dad trying to have a Big Chat with him, telling him he ought not to be embarrassed and he understood the passion of Valentine's himself. Cemented this by telling DH that they had not wanted another child, but the Valentine's mood led them to be less cautious and that's why he was born in November, 6 years after his only sibling.

So I'm asking for your funny sex stories!

(Long term poster, not a journalist, not a troll!)

FFS Indeed @JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows that's hilarious!! I think you and my DH are twins. :)

Neverspeakofthisagain wins!!

Actually sort of classy!

It's a sex day?! Fuck! I wish someone had told me that before I put on sweats and my hair didn't smell of "haven't washed it since Thursday"!

This doesn't directly involve me but years ago I went on holiday to France with my now DH and three of his friends.

Every night, without fail, one friend would wake us up shouting the name of his GF's best friend, sometimes three times a night.

We never told. Sadly they're now divorced (and said friend is blissfully ignorant).

@Confrontayshunme

Once I full on snogged my husband's nose in the near darkness. To be fair, I was drunk, but he has never let me forget it.

Oh god, this one had me cackling like a witch! Hilarious!

but then I managed to get a bit of wee out onto his chest and it was making me laugh, and he was laughing and it was a bit sexy because it was dirty and whatever.... Anyway, a bit of wee splashed his face and he didn't seem to mind, so I started to relax into it.....can I stop weeing? Can I fuck. We'd had two bottles of champagnes, the floodgates are open, and it's gushing out - and because I'm sat astride my boyfriend, he is completely trapped and he is laughing so wee is going in his mouth.

Well this thread took an unexpected turn.

@Neverspeakofthisagain

NC'd for this one as I've told this story to a couple of friends.

Was with an ex boyfriend. We had spent a lazy, hot afternoon eating a picnic and drinking champagne in a huge park, but in a sort of enclosed, planted area with lots of bushes and tiny bridges and hidden grassy spaces. So although it was reasonably busy, where we were was very secluded. Much later in the afternoon when it was even quieter we started having tipsy sex on a blanket. We were both feeling quite bold and he asked me to pee on him. At first I said no - hadn't done that before - but he asked again and we were having a laugh so i said ok. So I sat across him and at first I couldn't go - like when you can't wee in a public loo - but then I managed to get a bit of wee out onto his chest and it was making me laugh, and he was laughing and it was a bit sexy because it was dirty and whatever.... Anyway, a bit of wee splashed his face and he didn't seem to mind, so I started to relax into it.

Then out of nowhere a fucking Yorkshire terrier appears yapping and snapping at my back and the next thing I know, some middle aged bloke comes crashing through the bushes shouting for 'Reggie' and my boyfriend starts laughing, but then Reggie's owner appears and is rooted to the spot just staring at us, and can I stop weeing? Can I fuck. We'd had two bottles of champagnes, the floodgates are open, and it's gushing out - and because I'm sat astride my boyfriend, he is completely trapped and he is laughing so wee is going in his mouth. So now he is half laughing/half spluttering and the bloke with the dog is incandescent with rage and shouting at us for being disgusting in a Royal Park, and his rage makes my boyfriend laugh more, and still the wee is coming and still the dog is yapping, until finally I stop. And then do the little extra end trickle bit and for some reason, I turn my head and say 'Sorry about that. How old is your dog?' And to this day, I have no idea why I said that, but he clipped the dog onto the lead and stormed out through the bushes threatening to call the police. We laughed till we cried and I have never done wee-sex again.

Someone was excited to use their PeePee story.

To be fair, I hate it too when I'm urinating on my partner and a dog walker oh so unexpectedly interrupts proceedings.

Imagine if this is your actual life.

This might be a bit TMI, but dh (then dp) was complaining that I was a little bit too tight and his banjo string was sore.

We left it for a few days and decided to try and have sex one day.

He pushed in and suddenly paused. And then all serious just said “it broke”.

I laughed thinking he was kidding but he pulled out and loads of blood followed by him saying seriously “no babe, look it’s broke”

I panicked and ran to my mum ( I was living at home at the time) and told her what had happened and she laughed at me saying don’t be stupid you can’t break a penis.

Then dh shuffled in blood passing everywhere and she suddenly paled.

So yeah... we laugh about that now

2 stories - it was dark as my partner reached into the bedside drawers and lifted out the tube of lube and squeezed it liberally along his knob. Reader, it wasn't lube. It was capisum (chilli) cream which I used for killing nerve pain, he spent the rest of the night with his bits in a big bowl of milk.

Another night we were getting busy and didn't notice my cat coming into the room and we continued our fun, he let a massive yell and jumped back. Cat had obviously seen his balls hanging and me being "attacked" so stuck his claws in to protect me, when partner jumped back, he fell off the bed and bumped his head while the cat was purring in my face and checking I was OK.

In the early days, DH and I tried our hand at dirty talking. I started telling a role play story but the plot got so convoluted and when DH said ‘Who am I supposed to be again?’ I got a fit of giggles, couldn’t control it and killed any mood there still might have been (which wasn’t much by that point!).
This one had me in hysterics :D

Eeeh so funny!!

Yes the leaky boobs were quite a shock during sexy time after ds1!

Not funny at the time but I laugh now...randomly came on in the middle of shagging.. poor bloke had pure white bedding! I snuck it home and washed it all-! I'll never forget his face, it genuinely looked like a murder scene!! I did see him a few more times after!

Can't get over the pissing story..in his mouth!! That is so grim!!! Mind the dog Walker watching and ranting...

Please tell me the poor man who cooked his genitals sought medical attention That's made me very queasy indeed.

New boyfriend. On his duvet in the living room, some finger action... I came so hard I accidentally weed(!) and had to pretend to him I’d ‘squirted’. Had to nod along as he said how that was meant to be really pleasurable for women.
Readers... he then attempted to go down on me two minutes later... (didn’t last long!) and I had to cover it up by pushing him down for a blow job instead...!

Neverspeakofthisagain

Apt username!

JanuaryJonez

Believe me, rubbing pizza on myself to attempt to seduce is not a general part of my reportoire. Have you never been so drunk you've acted like a nutter?

Giving my partner oral and and using a bloody huge sex toy at the same time. Managed to get my hair all tangled around the balls, sat up with a giant penis dangling by my face. Took both of us to get it out. I was obviously very enthusiastic 🙈

Doing the deed after he'd eaten a doner. Don't do it. My fanny was on fire.

@NancyPickford

You can have sex in more than one position, I much prefer missionary if we are going to do that.

First time I slept with an ex we were mortal drunk and he fell off the bed and carpet burned his forehead.

When I first got together with my now husband we were shagging and a jar of Biscoff fell off the headboard and onto my head. We could not stop laughing,. Don't even ask about the Biscoff lol, I used to eat loads of it and always had a jar in my bedroom to snack on.

Oh and first time time we slept together his foreskin ripped. It was an absolute bloodbath. He actually kept on going though! (we were drunk) He ended up needing antibiotics but luckily it did heal.

@lilyboleyn

New boyfriend. On his duvet in the living room, some finger action... I came so hard I accidentally weed(!) and had to pretend to him I’d ‘squirted’. Had to nod along as he said how that was meant to be really pleasurable for women. Readers... he then attempted to go down on me two minutes later... (didn’t last long!) and I had to cover it up by pushing him down for a blow job instead...!

Omg this happened to me too with an ex. He then became obsessed with trying to make me 'squirt' again for the remainder of our 4 year relationship.

When dh and I bought our house we just "had" to do it everywhere.

We have only done it on the stairs once dear reader, why I hear you asking... we fell down the stairs, I couldn't tell you how as he was sat on the stairs and I was on his lap, but we both arse over titted it down from about half way up. Had some interesting bruises to explain away after that 😂

DP went down on me and had to pause to remove a couple of bits of toilet paper that were stuck to my nethers. In my defence, I was drunk and had forgotten to do my usual pre-shag 'freshen up'.

He was really nice about it and it is now a standing joke!

I put on some stockings and suspenders and knickers, but in the wrong order.
So BF couldn’t get them off.
He said
“
You ain’t a proper girl!
When I laughed.

Silly sod😂

Oh and with same BF
My period started and when he withdrew his todger looked like a skinned rabbit.

He was gagging, sweating and heaving...

I was very embarrassed.

I lost it at 'sorry about that. How old is your dog?'