To ask about the funniest sex thing that's ever happened to you

[FuckingFabulous]

It's Valentine's. It's a sexy day (for some). And my husband and I were talking about Valentine's past, before we met each other.

My husband had me in stitches telling me about a teenage romance where they were shagging in secret in the girls room, parents happily gardening and thinking the two teens were innocently studying and chastely exchanging lovely cards.

He was vigorously thrusting mid act, went for a position change and neglected to realise there was a heavy wooden shelf above the bed, so whacked his head across the bottom, knocked everything off the shelf in a deafening crash and knocked himself out in the process. He said he recalled a blinding pain, realised he was standing up totally nude, hearing the footsteps of the parents pounding up the stairs, swaying and groaning and heard himself saying "fuck! No!"

Then he remembers being in A&E with a very, very irate girlfriend's Dad who told DH he ruined his Valentine's evening with his wife and he'd spoken to DH's Dad, who was coming to get him. DH went to his Dad's car after having a few stitches and a leaflet about concussion, only to be greeted by his lovely Dad trying to have a Big Chat with him, telling him he ought not to be embarrassed and he understood the passion of Valentine's himself. Cemented this by telling DH that they had not wanted another child, but the Valentine's mood led them to be less cautious and that's why he was born in November, 6 years after his only sibling.

So I'm asking for your funny sex stories!

(Long term poster, not a journalist, not a troll!)

Oh God I dont have sex any more but the neighbours must be wondering while I'm laughing hysterically. I am a mother in law now and I'm sure I'd go completely blind if I walked in on any of that!!!!!

@AmandaHoldensLips

Valentine's day. Spontaneous kitchen sex. In the afterglow, he checks the low-level oven, slides out the roasting tin and his tackle dangles into the roasting tin.

It made the most awful hissing sound just before his blood-curdling scream...

Gasped loudly reading this. My husband asked me what's wrong. I couldn't tell him as he is the most squeamish person I've ever met.

This is graphic so sorry but the funniest thing that's ever happened.

He had finished, I had not. As he went south to finish me off....I queefed stuff all over him. I was laughing and apologised and said it wouldn't happen again. It happened 2 MORE TIMES.

@Propercrimboselecta

This is graphic so sorry but the funniest thing that's ever happened.

He had finished, I had not. As he went south to finish me off....I queefed stuff all over him. I was laughing and apologised and said it wouldn't happen again. It happened 2 MORE TIMES.

Also several years ago I returned home in an absolute drunken state with a pizza, trying to convince him to have sex with me and rubbed a slice of pizza all over my vagina

Not me but a mate - was in the throes of a passionate session with his new wife. Was leaning over her on the bed when their kitten saw his bobbing, erect penis and jumped on it digging all its claws in and hanging on. The pain must been excruciating but even now, nearly 30 years later, the thought of my friend running round the bedroom with a kitten attached to his todger makes me cry with laughter.

A queef the first time I did doggy was...a surprise! To the both of us. I was mortified. Nowadays with DH we’re used to it

Was pretty embarrassing when first boyfriends dad caught me riding him pretty enthusiastically.

When I was about 19 I started snogging my housemate one night after we’d been in my room watching a film and drinking. We wanted to take it further but didn’t have a condom and it was pretty late. Luckily there was a pub down the road and he was confident that there was a condom machine in the men’s toilets. He came back 10 minutes or so later and opened the slightly larger than normal condom packet to discover it was some kind of novelty one with lumps and bumps and about the same thickness as your average rubber glove. It was also completely unlubricated. We didn’t let this put us off and he got some cooking oil from the kitchen to moisten it up. It was still really unflexible though and he eventually got it over the end of his dick only for it to ping on it like an elastic band causing him to start actually sobbing in pain.

We decided to give up and never mentioned it or attempted anything other than basic formalities after that until he moved out a few months later.

I pissed the bed! I had dated a boy when about 15 and it never went further than kissing. We bumped into each other at about 22 and I went back to his, after doing the deed I really needed a wee but wanted to wait for him to fall asleep first because I felt really gassy from all the cider. I dropped off and woke myself up with a fart (and him but I laid still and I’m hoping he didn’t know what it was). By this point I was really desperate so waited for him to fall back asleep and again fell asleep myself. He woke me up by cuddling me and noticed the bed was wet, in a panic I pretended that the condom must’ve split and leaked.

I felt awful because I was really hungover and he made me a really nice breakfast, took me for the morning after pill and paid for it because he felt responsible. I was gutted because I ended up getting thrush from the pill that I didn’t even need to take. We are still friends but we’ve never mentioned we got back in touch by sleeping together so he still doesn’t know.

@StormcloakNord

DH tried his hand at dirty talking once and got completely mixed up.

He said to me "Stick your dick in my mouth" obviously meaning the reverse.

I looked down, noted the absence of a penis, and we burst out laughing. Killed the mood completely

This made me laugh so much I woke my baby up !!!!!

My ex GF farted in my face. It stank as well.

The Churchill dog!

Ohhhhh yessss!

LOVE IT

@Confusedandshaken this is so funny I'm snorting with laughter

When I was about 18 I was invited to my boyfriends house for a fancy dinner cooked by his parents. I’d been feeling odd for a few days, no appetite at all and feeling exhausted so didn’t manage to eat much dinner.

After dinner we went upstairs, had sex and fell asleep naked with him spooning me. I woke myself up with the most almighty fart in the middle of the night, except it wasn’t a fart, I’d shit myself all over his naked body, willy and bed I had to wake him up and let him know what had happened.

Luckily he was very understanding as I was clearly quite unwell and couldn’t leave the toilet for the rest of the night and the next day but I was still absolutely mortified!

These are all fabulous, especially the roast todger, the neon willy, the pizza and the ones with the cats

My dear little dog - RIP - used to get very jealous if I was ahem entertaining a man, and more than once he jumped onto the bed and started licking the bollocks of the person who currently inside me.

It never went down well.

@iklboo

Queef is passing wind from your vagina (fanny fart).

Ex p. He wanted to wear a luminous condominium and try The Wheelbarrow position. Halfway through he got cramp in his thighs, pulled out and was hopping round the room trying to loosen it. All I could see was a neon willy bouncing round the bedroom and totally lost it. He was not amused.

I may have to steal this one in future, pretend it happened to me and not give any credit. Sorry.

Ouch to the poor guy who got burned. I actually don't find that one funny. I hope he didn't need hospital treatment. Burns are serious.

@DogDmur I've been laughing like fucking Muttley, needed it - cheers!

Have posted this story on a funny dating thread before but...

Was dating a guy, he lived at home so one time we went back to his (parents) place - I hadn’t been before and didn’t think they were home anyway. Things got amorous, and after the deed I asked him where the loo was. He pointed me to the door. I waltz across the landing starkers and in to the bathroom.

But oh no. It was not the bathroom. It was his parents bedroom!

AND THE DAD WAS GOING DOWN ON THE MUM.

Cue us all gasping/shouting in horror and legging it about the place naked.

Went back to his place after first date. Wasn’t expecting to, so hadn’t fully prepared for a night of passion as I thought we’d be having a few drinks then i’d get my train home.
We were on his couch snogging and then went into the bedroom when I realised i’d not shaved my legs,
For some reason this became important to me (why, it was dark, we were drunk!); so I excused myself and wobbled to his bathroom in search of a razor.
Dry shaved my shins with a Gillette I found in a cabinet, leaving bloody trails.
Did the deed, woke up some hours later and not only had my shins streaked his bed linen, but I had also come on in the night, and we woke to a scene of bloody carnage.
Folks, 25 years later, I’m still married to him after that gory first night.

I get horrendous fanny farts when DH ‘exits’ when we’re doing it from behind or I get off from being on top. Not sure why. I do pelvic floor exercises although they used to happen before DC as well. It used to really embarrass me but now it completely cracks me up. DH is used to it now but used to be very .

We hadn’t done the doggy position for a while until last night and it was like someone had let off one of those screamer fireworks in the bedroom! It actually made DH jump. We were in stitches for ages afterwards.

I’d just had porridge for breakfast when things got a bit fruity! Let’s just say he hit my gag reflex and we both saw the porridge for the 2nd time !!!

I went down on my bf and then spit the semen into a cup that happened to be by my bed.

The next morning he took a drink out of it and looked at me in confusion, saying, "was there something wrong with that water?"

I laughed uncontrollably but he was less amused.

With an ex boyfriend, first time we had sex, I was holding in a fart the whole time and when I orgasmed, I accidentally farted on his balls 😂🙈

My OH has been on new medication and has been complaining about lack of sex drive and head aches. I decided to spice things ups bit and tempt him with by offering some anal sex which he never says no to on his birthday/Christmas.

We were going at it and he was really enjoying it, first time in ages. It really got me going , seeing him getting his mojo back. Builds up and we both climax at the same time. One of the reasons I don't do anal more often is because my pelvic floor contracts so tight it's borderline painful.... but after having no sex for weeks it was jaw clenching , screwed up eyes painful and my first thought was "oh god , I think I've crimped his dick off".

After a few seconds I noticed he is perfectly still on top of me, frozen . I open my eyes and his teeth are bared, eyes screwed tight and I asked if he was ok. He replies , through gritted teeth "I think my heads fell off" . I burst out crying in a panic thinking OMG I'VE ACTUALLY SNAPPED HIS DICK OFF!! Five apologies later and his face eases and he explains through much laughter that his new pills seem to cause a splitting head ache at the point of orgasm and I have not performed a"bobbit by bottom" .

I'm never going to live this one down