To ask about the funniest sex thing that's ever happened to you

[FuckingFabulous]

It's Valentine's. It's a sexy day (for some). And my husband and I were talking about Valentine's past, before we met each other.

My husband had me in stitches telling me about a teenage romance where they were shagging in secret in the girls room, parents happily gardening and thinking the two teens were innocently studying and chastely exchanging lovely cards.

He was vigorously thrusting mid act, went for a position change and neglected to realise there was a heavy wooden shelf above the bed, so whacked his head across the bottom, knocked everything off the shelf in a deafening crash and knocked himself out in the process. He said he recalled a blinding pain, realised he was standing up totally nude, hearing the footsteps of the parents pounding up the stairs, swaying and groaning and heard himself saying "fuck! No!"

Then he remembers being in A&E with a very, very irate girlfriend's Dad who told DH he ruined his Valentine's evening with his wife and he'd spoken to DH's Dad, who was coming to get him. DH went to his Dad's car after having a few stitches and a leaflet about concussion, only to be greeted by his lovely Dad trying to have a Big Chat with him, telling him he ought not to be embarrassed and he understood the passion of Valentine's himself. Cemented this by telling DH that they had not wanted another child, but the Valentine's mood led them to be less cautious and that's why he was born in November, 6 years after his only sibling.

So I'm asking for your funny sex stories!

(Long term poster, not a journalist, not a troll!)

@QueefyQueenie

I get horrendous fanny farts when DH ‘exits’ when we’re doing it from behind or I get off from being on top. Not sure why. I do pelvic floor exercises although they used to happen before DC as well. It used to really embarrass me but now it completely cracks me up. DH is used to it now but used to be very .

We hadn’t done the doggy position for a while until last night and it was like someone had let off one of those screamer fireworks in the bedroom! It actually made DH jump. We were in stitches for ages afterwards.

Omg. I just woke my husband up laughing at this!

My boyfriend at uni had a shared room in halls. His roommate was very religious and he didn't like any girls to be in his room. He went away for the weekend and we had plans to take full advantage of the fact he wasn't going to be around. We said goodbye to him and then ran up to the room for a quickie. My boyfriend pretty much ripped all my clothes off, but he was still wearing most of his. His roommate came back and walked in on us mid act. I was lying down half on the bed and my BF was standing up. He pulled out, and I fell off the bed. My BF quickly covered himself up. I lay on the floor totally naked laughing hysterically. Many seconds too late I pulled a duvet over myself and pretended I wasn't there, while his roommate calmly collected his bag from the corner of the room. He never mentioned it to either of us afterwards.

Not that funny but a guy I was seeing for a while used to say "that's my girl" over and over during sex. So cringy and off putting.

@Thankyounot I got off with a bloke once who yelled 'Who's the daddy! Who's the daddy!.'

*@FraggleShingleBellRock * if you were having anal sex, how come you could see his face when you opened your eyes?

Some of these are brilliant

[quote NancyPickford]**@FraggleShingleBellRock if you were having anal sex, how come you could see his face when you opened your eyes?[/quote]
You can have anal sex in missionary position

Was at my boyfriends house. We had been together a few years, he was 22, still lived at home with his mum. He was an only child and she was ridiculously overbearing (would hint for ages then sulk if we went to the cinema without her for instance).

One day, house to ourselves, she was at work and we were in his bedroom. Going at it like troopers, heard the front door go. She walked in, having come home from work early. She then proceeded to sit on the stairs (blocking the exit route) and sob. He had to go and comfort her.

One of the reasons I don't do anal more often is because my pelvic floor contracts so tight it's borderline painful

Fucking hell, so why would you do it??? I'm guessing your 'darling' husband is a porn watcher.

Sex is allowed to be pleasruable to you without hurting. Would your husband perform a sex act to tittilate you if it hurt him? I doubt it.

For the record wasnt funny at the time, was horrific! But my friends loved the story in the pub afterwards

First time having ssx after DC was born. We are just getting into it and DH squeezes my boob... resulting in my breastmilk shooting straight into his eye. Causing me to curl up in hysterics while he, partially blinded, falls off the bed.

@iklboo

Queef is passing wind from your vagina (fanny fart).

Ex p. He wanted to wear a luminous condominium and try The Wheelbarrow position. Halfway through he got cramp in his thighs, pulled out and was hopping round the room trying to loosen it. All I could see was a neon willy bouncing round the bedroom and totally lost it. He was not amused.

A condominium??

So you have to wear some sort of residence to do The Wheelbarrow??

I thought I was quite worldly about sex until I started reading this thread...😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

In my raving days, if you were there, you'll remember, shiny tights under shorts were a thing.

Went back to a lads house one night, had a shag, but my shiny tights that I'd been raving in all night, well I took them off and they landed in a glass of water.

I wake up to the lad glugging mouthfuls of my tight juice.

Also turned out I worked with his mum and once the penny dropped I got out of his mums house sharpish.

She knew tho and she nicknamed me 'I feel ashamed', as that's what she heard me saying as I snook out the house 🤣🤣

NC'd for this one as I've told this story to a couple of friends.

Was with an ex boyfriend. We had spent a lazy, hot afternoon eating a picnic and drinking champagne in a huge park, but in a sort of enclosed, planted area with lots of bushes and tiny bridges and hidden grassy spaces. So although it was reasonably busy, where we were was very secluded. Much later in the afternoon when it was even quieter we started having tipsy sex on a blanket. We were both feeling quite bold and he asked me to pee on him. At first I said no - hadn't done that before - but he asked again and we were having a laugh so i said ok. So I sat across him and at first I couldn't go - like when you can't wee in a public loo - but then I managed to get a bit of wee out onto his chest and it was making me laugh, and he was laughing and it was a bit sexy because it was dirty and whatever.... Anyway, a bit of wee splashed his face and he didn't seem to mind, so I started to relax into it.

Then out of nowhere a fucking Yorkshire terrier appears yapping and snapping at my back and the next thing I know, some middle aged bloke comes crashing through the bushes shouting for 'Reggie' and my boyfriend starts laughing, but then Reggie's owner appears and is rooted to the spot just staring at us, and can I stop weeing? Can I fuck. We'd had two bottles of champagnes, the floodgates are open, and it's gushing out - and because I'm sat astride my boyfriend, he is completely trapped and he is laughing so wee is going in his mouth. So now he is half laughing/half spluttering and the bloke with the dog is incandescent with rage and shouting at us for being disgusting in a Royal Park, and his rage makes my boyfriend laugh more, and still the wee is coming and still the dog is yapping, until finally I stop. And then do the little extra end trickle bit and for some reason, I turn my head and say 'Sorry about that. How old is your dog?' And to this day, I have no idea why I said that, but he clipped the dog onto the lead and stormed out through the bushes threatening to call the police. We laughed till we cried and I have never done wee-sex again.

36 weeks pregnant, I’m on top and I did the loudest fart imaginable. I couldn’t stop laughing. Dp was laughing. The tears were running down my face. I farted another two times after that but they were only little aftershocks. I kept laughing on and off the whole way through, every time I thought of it 😂😂

I goggled at “condominium” too @ScienceSensibility!

Great stories, feeling like I’ve led a sheltered life!

😯😯😯 blimey @Neverspeakofthisagain

Long time ago, missionary position, but knees up on his hips, he’s 6’4” me 5’3, and I feel a massive sneeze coming on, can’t stop it, I sneeze and my legs kick him straight off the bed onto the wooden rocking chair, he’s sat looking dazed and confused as to what the actual fuck happened!! I’m laughing hysterically at the look in his face!

Knees up - feet on his hips

Dp and I have been together for a long time, so have lots of funny sex moments. The 2 that come to mind are the first time we had sex after ds1 was born. I told DP my boobs were off limits and he promised not to touch them, but he asked if I would take my bra off. Was enjoying it and very relieved that everything seemed to be in working order still then DP said to stop, when I asked why he said he was worried he was about to drown. We turned the lights on and my boobs had leaked about 5ozs of milk all over him. We had to stop and get towels to mop up, I got worried that ds1 would wake up and there would be no milk for his feed (!). And then neither of us were in the mood to carry on.

The other one was when I farted during sex. tbf it was the action of sex that forced it out. DP was on top and had to stop because he got the giggles so much. He said he felt it part the hairs on his balls.

Propercrimboselecta You sound like a real prize

@icelollycraving

My boyfriend was in hospital for some time. Had a frame holding his pelvis in tact after a v bad motorbike accident. Didn’t stop us getting frisky. I was giving him a hand job but with the action was hitting the nurse button furiously. His friendly male nurse rushed in, pulled the curtain back, made a low shriek and whooshed out again. We got teased a lot afterwards

Gross. Other people on your ward, you wanking the boyfriend and wasting nurses time. I'd have kicked you out.

I've had a fair few but i'd say one would be where we were at it and my little brother and his friends barged into my room to look for something (they were only 9) we were under the covers and I just told them they had to be quiet as my BF was sleeping 🙈
2nd to that was when we had done it and my bfs dog picked up my g string off the floor, took it downstairs and dropped at his mum's feet. What a grass

Not me, but a friend (it actually really was a friend before anyone starts ) had a VERY drunk ONS, was apparently going hammer and tongs doggy style and as he thrust she vomited all over his bed.

He put her in his PJ's, fed her water and put her in the spare bed but never saw her after that. When she told me I couldn't stop laughing (yes I'm a bad friend)

This isn't about sex but this has reminded me of when we were on holiday at a hotel in the caribbean that was full of really cool, sexy-looking people. We are not remotely cool people.

A conversation over drinks at the bar went something like this as cool dude offered my DH a joint (can't recall the exact preamble but that's irrelevant):
Cool dude to DP:
Hey man, d'ya wanna a buzz?
DP: No thanks, we'll get a taxi.

@thisgardenlife that's so funny!!

I once got offered cocaine in Magaluf, but the guy asking did this sort of "you want" and then run his hand across his nose as he sniffed. I never did drugs so didn't understand the secret codes, and so I thought he had a sniffle and offered him a tissue he looked at me weirdly and said "no do you want cocaine?!". It threw me a bit and I did what I do in awkward situations when I don't know what to say...I went terribly British. "no thank you but it's ever so nice of you to ask". FFS.