To ask about the funniest sex thing that's ever happened to you

[FuckingFabulous]

It's Valentine's. It's a sexy day (for some). And my husband and I were talking about Valentine's past, before we met each other.

My husband had me in stitches telling me about a teenage romance where they were shagging in secret in the girls room, parents happily gardening and thinking the two teens were innocently studying and chastely exchanging lovely cards.

He was vigorously thrusting mid act, went for a position change and neglected to realise there was a heavy wooden shelf above the bed, so whacked his head across the bottom, knocked everything off the shelf in a deafening crash and knocked himself out in the process. He said he recalled a blinding pain, realised he was standing up totally nude, hearing the footsteps of the parents pounding up the stairs, swaying and groaning and heard himself saying "fuck! No!"

Then he remembers being in A&E with a very, very irate girlfriend's Dad who told DH he ruined his Valentine's evening with his wife and he'd spoken to DH's Dad, who was coming to get him. DH went to his Dad's car after having a few stitches and a leaflet about concussion, only to be greeted by his lovely Dad trying to have a Big Chat with him, telling him he ought not to be embarrassed and he understood the passion of Valentine's himself. Cemented this by telling DH that they had not wanted another child, but the Valentine's mood led them to be less cautious and that's why he was born in November, 6 years after his only sibling.

So I'm asking for your funny sex stories!

(Long term poster, not a journalist, not a troll!)

ONS at uni. It was very very hot, and my nose starting bleeding as I was giving him a BJ...he was off his tits and kept looking at his knob going "did you bite me? Did you bite me?" so cringe. He lived with some friends as well so I kept bumping into him after!

@Neverspeakofthisagain

NC'd for this one as I've told this story to a couple of friends.

Was with an ex boyfriend. We had spent a lazy, hot afternoon eating a picnic and drinking champagne in a huge park, but in a sort of enclosed, planted area with lots of bushes and tiny bridges and hidden grassy spaces. So although it was reasonably busy, where we were was very secluded. Much later in the afternoon when it was even quieter we started having tipsy sex on a blanket. We were both feeling quite bold and he asked me to pee on him. At first I said no - hadn't done that before - but he asked again and we were having a laugh so i said ok. So I sat across him and at first I couldn't go - like when you can't wee in a public loo - but then I managed to get a bit of wee out onto his chest and it was making me laugh, and he was laughing and it was a bit sexy because it was dirty and whatever.... Anyway, a bit of wee splashed his face and he didn't seem to mind, so I started to relax into it.

Then out of nowhere a fucking Yorkshire terrier appears yapping and snapping at my back and the next thing I know, some middle aged bloke comes crashing through the bushes shouting for 'Reggie' and my boyfriend starts laughing, but then Reggie's owner appears and is rooted to the spot just staring at us, and can I stop weeing? Can I fuck. We'd had two bottles of champagnes, the floodgates are open, and it's gushing out - and because I'm sat astride my boyfriend, he is completely trapped and he is laughing so wee is going in his mouth. So now he is half laughing/half spluttering and the bloke with the dog is incandescent with rage and shouting at us for being disgusting in a Royal Park, and his rage makes my boyfriend laugh more, and still the wee is coming and still the dog is yapping, until finally I stop. And then do the little extra end trickle bit and for some reason, I turn my head and say 'Sorry about that. How old is your dog?' And to this day, I have no idea why I said that, but he clipped the dog onto the lead and stormed out through the bushes threatening to call the police. We laughed till we cried and I have never done wee-sex again.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Also once DH and I woke up before the kids and got a bit of morning sex in....at some point our DD2 walks in very quietly and stands there for god knows how long before saying very loudly "Mummy, I'm hungry!" never seen my DH move so fast to the point he fell out the other side of the bed and landed on the floor with a thump!

Propercrimboselecta I'm pretty uninhibited but no, I've never done that

Stayed over at boyfriend's place, on a summer's weekend. His mum, dad and brothers go out for the day so we stay in bed and have several rounds of youthful, enthusiastic, joyous, rampant, noisy sex. Then we hear a strange snipsnip sound. Boyfriend peeks through the curtains, and there is the gardener, up a ladder, trimming ivy right next to the open window, with a great big grin on his face.

Fell asleep whilst ex bf was giving oral. He really wasn't very good at it.

@oakleaffy

Oh and with same BF My period started and when he withdrew his todger looked like a skinned rabbit.

He was gagging, sweating and heaving...

I was very embarrassed.

How old is he?

@gokartdillydilly

Stayed over at boyfriend's place, on a summer's weekend. His mum, dad and brothers go out for the day so we stay in bed and have several rounds of youthful, enthusiastic, joyous, rampant, noisy sex. Then we hear a strange snipsnip sound. Boyfriend peeks through the curtains, and there is the gardener, up a ladder, trimming ivy right next to the open window, with a great big grin on his face.

Oh, Lordy!! I was sunbathing in my garden a few years ago and DH came over and started getting frisky. Kids were at school, so we almost went through with it, but also heard a snip snip. Looked up to see neighbour's adult son watching us intently as he pruned his Dad's honeysuckle.

This needs to be in classics

My DH was 6foot 6 and I am 5 foot5 so the only way we could do it standing up was in the shower of our holiday apartment. At the crucial moment I accidentally turned on the cold tap with my bum and brought the proceedings to a sudden halt!

My very territorial ginger tomcat leaping on DH and clawing him mid-thrust!

In bed with DH, getting frisky under the duvet, my hand went on DH penis. Then our cat who had wandered into our room at some point, seeing movement, pounced on DH balls, claws out. I struggled not to piss myself while DH howled! Kind of killed the mood but the cat was clearly feeling playful. She seems to have a sixth sense for sex and often barges in on us. She can push our bedroom door open. We wedge it now.

I posted it on another thread but whatever. During the first lockdown, being home together all the time got to me and DH. So we put the kids to bed early one night and had loud, passionate sex on the lounge floor. It was one of our top shags, but I remebered halfway through the window was open. Figured it was fine, cos no one was out. They were all hone staying safe and all that.

That is, until we finish and the entire world fucking erupts into applause. We're laying there, sweaty and panting wondering how the fuck we were so loud that the entire street not only heard, but felt it appropriate to applaud our efforts. We're halfway between laughing and freaking out. Turned out it was the first Thursday Key worker clap. We'd lost track of days and completely forgotten about it.

Someone was excited to use their PeePee story.

Weren't they just. Grim.

@NotQuiteUsual

I posted it on another thread but whatever. During the first lockdown, being home together all the time got to me and DH. So we put the kids to bed early one night and had loud, passionate sex on the lounge floor. It was one of our top shags, but I remebered halfway through the window was open. Figured it was fine, cos no one was out. They were all hone staying safe and all that.

That is, until we finish and the entire world fucking erupts into applause. We're laying there, sweaty and panting wondering how the fuck we were so loud that the entire street not only heard, but felt it appropriate to applaud our efforts. We're halfway between laughing and freaking out. Turned out it was the first Thursday Key worker clap. We'd lost track of days and completely forgotten about it.

There are some hilarious stories here, but this is brilliant! I would have almost wet myself laughing had this been me and all I heard was clapping and cheering when dh and I finished 😂

I've been waiting for a thread like this so I could share the following

Me and DH traveling around the outback. Miles and miles and miles of driving each day where you see about one other car per hour. No houses, towns, nothing.

One morning we have brekkie on the road, and after we pulled over for a sneaky mutual self-help (no other cars but also no cover so didn't want to get naked and DTD in case someone did happen to drive by). All good fun. Clean up and started back driving again and DP starts to say "wow that was so intense, I can almost still feel it!" then starts looking a bit uncomfortable, then alarmed, then downright panicky.

He finally figured out he'd had a cheese and jalapeno toastie for breakfast and the chili from his hand was burning his lad.

If that weren't funny enough, the way he phrased it was: "oh god, it was the toastie!! I'VE GOT JALAPENIS!".

I thought I'd rupture something I was laughing so hard.

Had a BF once who in the heat of the action always wanted me on top, fine, that's what he liked for the best moment, but to get me there he'd say "wanna jump up and go for a ride?". Well wtaf?
After a few times I hinted that he could try and vary this, nicely, so the next time he said "uh..uh...uuuuuh...get up in the saddle and move it...now!" and rolled over for me. So I got dressed and left.

NotQuiteUsual
I posted it on another thread but whatever. During the first lockdown, being home together all the time got to me and DH. So we put the kids to bed early one night and had loud, passionate sex on the lounge floor. It was one of our top shags, but I remebered halfway through the window was open. Figured it was fine, cos no one was out. They were all hone staying safe and all that.

That is, until we finish and the entire world fucking erupts into applause. We're laying there, sweaty and panting wondering how the fuck we were so loud that the entire street not only heard, but felt it appropriate to applaud our efforts. We're halfway between laughing and freaking out. Turned out it was the first Thursday Key worker clap. We'd lost track of days and completely forgotten about it.

Surely your dcs heard?

Whilst I was at university, one particular lucky guy had to stop and leave the room mid-shag to go and be sick. Happy days.

My first proper boyfriend had a huge house - like, ridiculously big. For our first sexual encounter he'd gone to the trouble of setting up one of the massive reception rooms downstairs so that the fireplace was lit, the whole place was filled with candles, and he'd artfully put a mattress right in the middle of the room. As he led me in, he also seductively informed me that he'd chosen that particular room in order to be as far away from his parents as possible. Literally five seconds after he'd said that, we both heard the unmistakable sound of his dad climaxing upstairs. You literally couldn't have made it up.

Didn't put us off though...

We were staying in a fancy glamping site. We had both had a bit to drink, and feeling perticularly adventurous had a very long sex session, lots of trying different positions.
We had tried to be careful noise wise, so we're feeling pretty pleased with ourselves as we walked to get washed etc after. Opposite our tent was a large group sitting out side with drinks, who made a bit of an odd "helllloooo" sort of comment but laughed it off

On the way back we realised that our tent light was on, and you could see the silhouette of everything in the tent. We had unintentionally given a whole range of people an erotic shadow puppet show

We left very early in the morning, and have never left our latern on since

This thread is absolutely hilarious!!!

Why do some people feel the need to come on and make snooty comments! This is a funny sex thread I’d be disappointed if it didn’t involve pizza and piss!

@billycat321

My DH was 6foot 6 and I am 5 foot5 so the only way we could do it standing up was in the shower of our holiday apartment. At the crucial moment I accidentally turned on the cold tap with my bum and brought the proceedings to a sudden halt!

I can just imagine the expression on your fave changing!! 😂

@FlemCandango

In bed with DH, getting frisky under the duvet, my hand went on DH penis. Then our cat who had wandered into our room at some point, seeing movement, pounced on DH balls, claws out. I struggled not to piss myself while DH howled! Kind of killed the mood but the cat was clearly feeling playful. She seems to have a sixth sense for sex and often barges in on us. She can push our bedroom door open. We wedge it now.

This gets some kind of trophy. This should be in some sort of comedy show!

@XPuppetry

We were staying in a fancy glamping site. We had both had a bit to drink, and feeling perticularly adventurous had a very long sex session, lots of trying different positions. We had tried to be careful noise wise, so we're feeling pretty pleased with ourselves as we walked to get washed etc after. Opposite our tent was a large group sitting out side with drinks, who made a bit of an odd "helllloooo" sort of comment but laughed it off

On the way back we realised that our tent light was on, and you could see the silhouette of everything in the tent. We had unintentionally given a whole range of people an erotic shadow puppet show

We left very early in the morning, and have never left our latern on since

😂😂😂😂😂

Oh goodness. Laughing at these and it reminded me of an awful head hanging in shame experience.

When I first my DH we were a bit too embarrassed to go into the chemist and buy condoms. So we used to get them from those vending machines you get in public toilets. Anyway I went to get some and they were sold out of every one except the pack the extra thick durex that came with lube. Usually used for anal sex. I got them anyway. They’d do In an emergency. Better safe than sorry right?

Anyway managed to get some normal ones the next day. Stuffed the lube ones in my bag and forgot about them.

Fast forward a few weeks when DH and I go over to his parents to erm “hang out” and me being rather clumsy drop my bag down the stairs. His mum and dad seen me do it and laughed at how clumsy I was and helped me pick up my stuff.

Next day DH and I meet up and he tells me about the god awful cringy chat he had with his dad. Turns out the bloody pack of bloomin lube and condoms has somehow fallen out my bag and missed when I was picking everything up. Ha ha ha ha his dad handed him the pack back and asked him not to have sex in the house. Oh my days .

Needless to say I didn’t go back for a while.